Chapter 12

Summer has a knack for making everything seem more difficult. Even in the moments when she's actually being helpful, she can't stop herself from side comments and challenging me. Pardon me for wanting to protect her from getting swept up in a tornado or stranded in flooded water. Is it that hard for her to accept my help now?

Wow, if that's not the pot calling the kettle black.

I'm not surprised at the liking CeCe has taken to having Summer around more, though. She loved being around my sister all the time and Summer is just like another version of that, only with even less rules probably. When she wanted her to stop in her bedroom before bed, I knew she was probably going to give her a stuffed animal to sleep with. What I didn't expect was for Summer to come out of the room and compliment me—or my parenting. It's not that I've never been told I'm doing a good job and it's not like I need to hear it around the clock, but every time I do, I have to allow myself to believe it. I have to take a minute and let it sink in. Because for so long, so fucking long , I didn't know if I was doing a good job or if I was screwing her up.

I give Summer a lot of shit—in some ways, it's just how our dynamic has always worked. She bothers me, I complain she's annoying me, rinse and repeat. But I can't help but wonder if in some really twisted way, Liam isn't completely off base. Maybe I do enjoy it.

It startled me when she walked out of my bedroom wearing my t-shirt and shorts. Not because I forgot she was here, but because seeing Summer lately has been throwing my normal annoyance with her for a loop. I've never looked twice at Summer and I've never thought about her after she's left a room.

Am I just lonely? Is it because she's been spending so much time around lately and being so helpful with CeCe that it's forcing me to see her as more than the kid with a crush?

Her face was bare of any make up and the way she seemed to just float across the room like she belonged there made the hair on my arms stand up. Seeing her watch the documentary was thrilling, somehow. She smiled when they talked about baby birds and covered her eyes when an inevitable circle of life moment came on and one bird wasn't so lucky against a bigger animal. Alarm bells were ringing in my ears, telling me to get a fucking grip and not let my mind wander, but for some reason in the last week, Summer's gotten under my skin and not in the way she usually does.

Hearing her and Dr. Know-It-All broke up was actually a relief. And that's simply because the guy thought he knew more about the game of football than anyone else and would constantly comment on what he'd change about our team. A passionate fan is one thing, but I wouldn't even call him a fan, more like a giant pain in the ass who just liked to hear himself talk.

"Do you want a drink?" I ask, instantly wondering if I'm stepping into dangerous territory here.

"Um… just water, thanks." Her voice goes up as she looks up from her phone.

I get up from the couch and walk into the kitchen to grab two water bottles, handing her one before sitting back down. The moment I do, there's more thunder and another earth-shattering crack of lightning, causing the lights to flicker and power to go out immediately. I see the moment it happens downtown as the lights in buildings across from me all disappear at the same moment.

"I'll be right back," I say, walking down the hall to check on CeCe.

When I peek my head into CeCe's room, she's still fast asleep. The power loss made her sound machine turn off, but at least it somehow didn't wake her up. Her stuffed animal is still tightly tucked under her arm when I briefly flash the light on my phone into her room to get a better look. I quietly close the door and walk back over to the living room. I don't see Summer when I walk down the hall and it has me wondering if maybe she decided to call it a night. I guess I wouldn't blame her.

But then I hear a faint noise in the kitchen followed by "shit" and figure I've found her.

"What are you doing?"

"I was looking for candles and a lighter." She reaches down, fixing the t-shirt that's riding up. "I just can't reach up there so I'm not sure if there's anything we can use."

"Let me," I say, moving to where she is.

Her breath snags as I stand with my chest to hers, involuntarily pinning her against the counter, and her palms press against the countertop.

My ears suddenly become in tune with hearing Summer's breathing, as if the storm outside is no longer there and I can hear her taking slow, steady breaths. I can hear her heart pounding as we both stand here in the darkness.

When I back away from her I watch her exhale a deep breath, and her shoulders slowly fall and relax.

"Is CeCe okay?"

"Still out like a light." I pull a glass candle down from the top cabinet. Who knows how long this has been up there, but it'll do in a pinch like this.

"Can I ask you a question now? It's kind of personal, but I'm just curious," Summer says once she lights the candle and we settle back into the living room. She brings her legs up, crossing them at her ankles and propping a pillow behind her head.

"All right."

"Do you hate Kristen?"

Her question stuns me. I wouldn't have expected Summer to bring her up. I know she was never her biggest fan.

"Where'd that come from?" I ask, pulling one arm behind my head as I lean back.

In the darkness it's hard to see much with just the candle, but her eyes light up. It's almost as if the flame itself ignites them even brighter.

"It's just something I've wondered about. If you don't want to talk about it I respect that, though. Just say the word and I'll—" She runs her finger across her lips like she's zipping them up.

"No." My answer comes without hesitation, nearly cutting her off.

How could I hate the woman who gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for? I may not like her a lot of the time, we may be at odds and she has definitely done things that I can't even begin to understand, but do I hate her? No. I can't.

"I was mad at her at first. I didn't understand. I couldn't wrap my head around her decision. I spent months thinking of every vile thing I could say to her if she ever responded to any of my messages or showed up again. All that time and energy… I can't get those months back. The moments I sat idly in this living room staring at the wall with rage, letting CeCe play on the floor in front of me or the moments she would be screaming at night, crying herself to sleep. I did what I could to console her. I tried fucking everything I could think of. I called my mom and my sister for help. Shit, I know everyone tried to help. I missed practices and meetings. I let myself be angry with Kristen for a long time, too long." I sigh, letting that time race through my mind. It's foggy, yet I can see it like it was yesterday. I can't explain it.

"Now, I'm disappointed in her more than anything. God, what a fucking dad thing to say, huh?" Summer softly smiles. "I still tell her when we're doing parties for CeCe. I've told her to stop by. But she never even replies."

I shrug, looking everywhere but at Summer. I know her expression will show pity, sadness, all things I don't want to be faced with because I've moved on from those feelings.

"I don't hate her. I don't think I even dislike her. I just feel indifferent about her. She's still the mother of my child, I'll never belittle her, especially not in front of CeCe. I just wish she would've stuck around for her."

"You're a better man than most." Her voice is just a whisper.

I scoff, shaking my head. "Am I? Because there are days where I feel like I should hate her. Even though I can't bring myself to it. There are days where I'm watching CeCe play or I'm watching as she's learning something new and in those small instances, I want to hate her for missing it. I want to track her down and bring her back here to see this amazing kid she left."

"CeCe is amazing because of you," Summer says quietly, and my head jerks in her direction, noticing a small piece of blonde hair falling into her face. "You have handled every single tough day you've had. Was it always pretty? Of course not, but CeCe looks at you and she sees a superhero. Her superhero. That's what you are to her. You've dealt with emotions and demons that we probably have no idea about, Chase. I honestly can't even imagine how you were feeling when everything was so fresh. I know you weren't in love with Kristen, but she still broke your heart."

I'm not sure what prompted Summer to ask about Kristen tonight, but there's a small part of me that's glad she did. I think most people just assume I hate her. It's refreshing to see that Summer isn't most people.

"Well, you saw me in the days after… I was a fucking disaster. Didn't know up from down, could barely console my own child. It was chaos. It's why… I don't know, I guess it's why now I make everything as routine as I can." Summer and I both laugh as I remember life three years ago.

"Yeah, you're definitely very particular. But look at you now." She smiles. "It's nice, you know? Despite all of the things you were dealing with back then, you turned that pain into growth. You healed so you could be everything you are for CeCe. You did that for her. She's amazing because of you."

I have to give credit where it's due and sometimes Summer surprises me.

"So, I guess you're not all sarcasm and jokes… you can be serious too."

A low rumble fills my chest as I look at her.

She nods slowly. "I'm often serious, but you just… I don't know, believe it or not, you make me nervous sometimes, Chase."

"I make you nervous? I can't picture you being nervous about anything, Kincaid."

She tilts her head with a smile. "Oh, so you picture me?"

"It's a new development." My tongue swipes my bottom lip and her eyes dart nervously back and forth between my mouth and my eyes.

I wasn't expecting to give into the small urge to let my guard down tonight, but this side of me has been slowly trying to seep out all evening.

After trying to hide it, her lips finally give out and curve into a smirk. "I've been casually flirting with you for a decade, are you telling me… Is Chase actually flirting back? Someone must alert the press."

"Kincaid," I warn, sitting myself up with my elbows planted on my knees to lean forward.

She matches my body language, moving her legs off of the couch and in front of her. The curve of her thighs peeking out as the side of the shorts ride up just a little.

"Yeah, boss?" Her head tilts to the side as her fingers interlock in front of her.

She's testing me. She knows it, too.

I never expected to welcome flirtatious conversation with Summer, but I just feel tired of keeping my walls so high all the time. Tired in general.

And Summer is making me feel a little carefree tonight.