Chapter 1

"Shit!"

There's a loud crack outside of the training facility that makes my body coil together. I've been able to hear the rain for hours, but the addition of booming thunder is new and jolts me out of my daze as I'm taking a knee on the sidelines.

Practicing indoors is never something I enjoy, I always prefer our outdoor field since it helps prepare me for the most realistic conditions during an actual game. But with the way the rain has been coming down all day, there was really no other option but to bring it inside.

The thunder cracks again as I pick my helmet up from the ground and stand. My knees ache with each step I take. Some days, my body makes me think I'm getting too old for this game, but my mind swiftly tells the achy joints to suck it up.

I feel lucky that in all my years playing football—college and high school included—I've never had an injury so bad that it took me out for multiple games. Sure, I've experienced bumps and bruises, a pulled muscle or two. Hell, if you're not getting beat up on the field, you're probably not doing your job. And doing our job is the one thing that Coach Aarons drills into us each day. In the last couple of years—he's become less tolerant of bullshit and a lot more business-minded. I get it, at the end of the day this is a business, it's just a shift from previous years where he seemed to be more lenient.

A quiet groan leaves my chest when I look ahead, noticing two of the interns at the double doors that lead out of the indoor facility and into the main building. They both stand there, eagerly waiting for each of us to walk by, holding their tiny microphone right outside the doors. Another day, another ridiculous question they poll us on for the Knights social media page.

I understand a social media presence is important for a team, but the media side is the one thing about this life I can't fucking stand. I'm not showy and I have zero interest in making myself into some internet click bait story. It's nothing against the girls who make the posts, I'm sure they're all nice enough, it's merely a me thing. Sometimes, I can skirt by them and get in unnoticed. When we're outside it's so much easier, but these doors are the only way in and way out.

"What have you got for us today?" Liam Evans, our quarterback, asks, smiling at the two wide eyed interns, and they blush at the sound of his voice.

One of the girls clears her throat before she speaks, but her voice cracks a bit and she giggles before starting over. It takes everything in me not to roll my eyes.

Women are constantly tongue-tied around Liam Evans. He's a handsome guy, tall and a great athlete, so I suppose I get it. He's the kind of guy who likes to take up space, he enjoys being the one people talk about. Going out and being in the spotlight is something he thrives off of, the exact opposite of myself. He doesn't even have to say much; his game can speak for itself, honestly. It amazes me sometimes that we're actually friends—good friends—because half the time when he talks I want to knock his teeth in. He reminds me of the little brother I never had.

"Who on the team would you let date your sister?" the short redhead asks when she regains her composure. She then points the microphone at me and Liam awaiting our reply. My head shakes back and forth just as Ford, my brother-in-law and teammate, walks up behind me.

"Yeah, Hunt, who on the team would you let date your sister?" Ford gives me a shove before he walks by, able to bypass the question himself.

"I have no sisters, but if I did, there's not a guy on this team I'd let near her," Liam says, cocking an eyebrow.

"My sister is married to Anderson, so I'd have to go with him. Although, let is kind of a loose term. I mostly tolerate it." I nod my head toward the doors Ford just walked through, giving him an amused smirk.

When I found out my sister was seeing Ford, I definitely could have reacted better. It was a combination of shock and anger that came out in giving both of them the cold shoulder for weeks. I was pissed Abby would go behind my back and I was pissed Ford was hooking up with my little sister. It wasn't my finest moment, but I see now what they have. What they've had for years. He protects her, he loves her, and he's completely committed to her. She's happy and that's all that I can ask for.

Both girls gawk at me as if I've just given them the juiciest news they've heard all day. It's no secret my sister is married to my teammate, but clearly it still carries a shock factor. I nod at the girls and pivot past them. I can hear their voices whispering as I open the doors, but I can't make out their words. Not that I have any interest in what they're saying anyway.

"You just gave them something to talk about for the rest of the day," Liam says with a husky whisper as we walk down the hall.

The walls on the way to the locker room are filled with newspaper articles and photos of all our team's success over the last couple of years. A constant reminder of the greatness that we should be seeing this season, only we aren't. This season has been tough. We haven't been playing our best, making bullshit mistakes and too many guys are getting hurt, causing backups to fill in who are inexperienced when it comes to live game play.

The Halloween decorations that were up just a week ago are coming down to make room for the Christmas ones that will take their place. It's hard to believe it's already the first week of November and that only adds pressure to the season, knowing it's almost over and we're not in a position we want to be in. We're nowhere near the position we should be in. Aside from guys getting hurt—which, in most cases, is beyond our control—it's all things we can work on. We all have shit we're dealing with outside of the field. We all have a home life and personal things that are important, but we're on this team to do a job and some days it feels like no one wants to do it.

Once I'm showered and changed from practice, I immediately feel ready to get home. My knees are still giving me trouble and I'm fucking gassed from a tough day of practice.

"Can I convince you to come to the hockey game tonight? Dunn gave us these." Nate Campbell—one of my closest friends and our running back on the team—waves four tickets in my face. He puts them back into his jeans pocket before pulling his hair back with a blue scrunchie, no doubt belonging to his wife, tying it in a low bun. In all the years I've known Nate, he's had short hair, so this is a new look for him.

"Can't." I brace for the follow up questions that are sure to come.

"We haven't been to a hockey game in years, come on," Nate urges.

I shake my head at Nate and quickly finish putting my clothes in my bag before he can say anything else to try and sway me.

"Not going to happen." My mouth forms a firm line and I grab my duffel bag, hauling it on my shoulder.

"I'm afraid you're going to forget what it feels like to be around a woman other than your sister and this guy's wife." Liam jerks his thumb in Nate's direction. "We can even go to a bar afterward."

"Funny," I answer flatly, tossing a towel into the laundry bin nearby.

"Hey." Liam walks up closer to me just as I'm about to leave, practically cornering me. "I'm just fucking with you, but it wouldn't hurt to make some time for yourself, man. I know I don't know the first thing about being a dad. All we're saying is, we know it's been a while since you've let yourself have some fun."

My definition of fun has drastically changed in the last few years. Fun for me now is defined by early bedtimes and documentaries. It's finding out that my three-year-old did not, in fact, eat the last Fudgsicle and I can enjoy it while learning about different whale species on a Saturday night.

"You guys go have fun," I say as I walk out, not acknowledging the first half of Liam's comment.

It's more of a hassle than anything to even attempt a night out anyway. I'm not interested in trying to make extra arrangements for someone to watch CeCe when I'm already away from her all day long, just for me to have beers and watch hockey. I can do that on my couch after I've tucked my daughter into bed.

My friends understand my situation, but it doesn't stop them from trying to get me to go out with them whenever the occasion arises. They knew me "pre-dad" and have seen it all unfold over the last few years. From the moment I found out I was going to be a dad, to now, and everything in between. It isn't that I don't want to go out and have some time to myself, I just can't. The guilt creeps in any time I even think about doing something.

I'm the only parent CeCe has around, and I refuse to spend extra time away from her for things that aren't important. When Kristen left shortly after CeCe was born three years ago, I made a promise to myself. A vow to keep my vision on track and keep my family at the forefront of what's important. CeCe would never have to wonder about me or my priorities because she is my priority. I know my friends understand that.

I may be a single man, but I don't have the luxury of a single life anymore. My responsibilities are all waiting for me at home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the company of a woman at times, but I don't even allow my mind to wander long enough to those thoughts to let them have any control over me. I'm a different man now. Some people choose to use words like uptight or overprotective, I've even been told I'm downright rude once or twice. But I had to grow up. I had to take on the role of two parents for my child and I'm doing it the best way I know how.

Adding responsibilities to my plate isn't something new to me—I became the man of my house when my father died years ago, constantly making sure my mother and sister were taken care of. And once I had CeCe, my role as a provider only intensified.

I choose to be direct and upfront with people about what's important in my life. I look at CeCe and there hasn't been a single moment that I regret anything, not a single moment that I haven't wanted exactly this. CeCe is the very best part of me.

I won't be another person who fails her.

I never expected to be doing this parenting thing on my own. None of this is how I expected it to be. I always assumed one day I'd get married and children would follow, not a casual hookup buddy turned into a half ass relationship, followed by becoming a single dad. In the end, Kristen didn't want to be with me and that's fine. But the fact that she doesn't want her ? It's a cruel reality I'll never understand.

When I get home, before the door is even closed behind me, I can hear the pitter patter of little feet running toward me. The screams of excitement and the happy laughter get closer, a warning that CeCe is about to barrel right into me. Just as I put my bag down, the sight of a blue princess dress comes into view.

"Daddy!"

"Hey, Peanut," I say as she flies into my leg, gripping it tightly. I bend down to pick her up, kissing her head before pulling back and smiling. She smells like cinnamon, a clear indication that she's been doing something in the kitchen with my sister. CeCe's honey colored hair sticks to my beard and I wipe some kind of batter off of her cheek.

"What's going on here?" I ask Abby as I walk us both into the kitchen.

"We made snickerdoodle cookies." My sister smiles, wiping her hands with a dish towel. "Well, I made them, CeCe was more of a… taste tester, if you will." She laughs and places the towel on the counter.

It ended up being a blessing in disguise that my sister moved here a few years ago. And an added blessing that she has so much flexibility in her schedule to help me with CeCe as often as she does. She recently stopped teaching kindergarten to focus more on the downtown Recreation Center that she and Ford invest so much of their time and funds into. Our mom doesn't live nearby so Abby has really stepped into the role of being my primary helper for CeCe. I've had a few teammates suggest hiring a nanny, but I've heard fucking horror stories about stolen items, them not showing up, and even the occasional one who tries to make a move on an unsuspecting single dad. No fucking thank you. Those are all things I'm not interested in dealing with. Abby's been a lifesaver and CeCe loves spending time with her.

CeCe wiggles out of my arms and runs down the hallway toward her bedroom, closing her door only to whip it open not a minute later and come running back with a piece of paper in her hand.

"For you," she says sweetly, giving me the smile that's had me wrapped around her finger since the moment she was born. One little dimple and squinty eyes as she beams up at me.

"Wow. What is this right here?" I ask, pointing to a giant blob of pink, purple and sparkly blue crayon.

"It's a unicorn!" CeCe shouts, as if it's obvious.

"Oh, right, okay, I see it now. Great job! But hey, we need to leave for gymnastics soon, go get your leotard out. I'll be right there to help you."

"Yeah, Chase, that's a unicorn," Abby teases, pointing at the drawing.

I smile at my sister and lean against the counter while she cleans up.

"Thanks for today." I finally let an exhausted yawn leave my chest.

"No problem. Also, she mentioned her ear hurt. No fever or anything, I checked. She's acting totally normal."

I always feel a rush of panic whenever CeCe says something hurts or she doesn't feel good. It makes me question everything we did the previous day, things she ate, who she saw. All trying to jog my brain and figure out what could be wrong.

"Okay, I'll keep an eye on it. Thanks. What would we do without you?" I cross my arms over my chest.

"Who knows?" she jokes. "I'm sure one of these days you'll have to figure it out."

The smallest hint of annoyance creeps up my neck thinking of a day where someone other than my sister or mother watches my daughter, but I quickly remind myself Abby has her own life and her own responsibilities. The fact that she's helped me as much as she has already is more than I could have ever expected.

My thoughts are put on hold when I hear myself being summoned from the back bedroom.

"Daddy!"

I move to make my way down the hall only to see CeCe walk out of her room before I get there with her leotard on wearing a proud smile.

"I did it!"

One of the shoulder straps on the pink and orange leotard is slightly falling, but CeCe pulls it back up and gives me a thumbs up. When I smile, she does a twirl and nearly loses her footing but catches herself on the wall before she bursts out in a fit of laughter. She runs past me and back toward Abby, lunging into her arms.

"Should we fix your hair before you leave?" Abby reaches for the small hair tie on the counter and splashes a bit of water on her hand before she smooths out the wild strands of CeCe's hair. All the while, CeCe's brown eyes are focused on the coloring book she swiped from the counter, flipping through the pages to seemingly admire her own work.

The other day, CeCe asked me to braid her hair. A question I should have expected, but was dreading all the same. Another little girl in her class had her hair braided and CeCe couldn't wait to get home and ask me for one. It felt like a punch in the gut when I had to tell her I wasn't sure how to do one and she looked at me with the saddest eyes before telling me, "it's okay." I assured her that I'd learn, though; so every night before I've gone to sleep, tutorial videos have been my best friend. I grabbed one of her dolls to test it out on, but turns out it's just as confusing as I thought it would be. I'll get the hang of it, but fuck, if it isn't one of the more confusing things I've had to learn.

"I'm going to take some of these cookies home for Ford, but there are some already in the blue jar. You can save the rest in the freezer so they don't go bad," Abby says, gathering cookies from the sheet and placing them into a Ziploc bag.

"Okay, thanks. CeCe, what do we say to Aunt Abby before she leaves?"

CeCe thanks my sister and gives her a giant hug and kiss before she goes back in her bedroom to get her shoes and we head out ourselves.

A few months ago, I wanted to get CeCe signed up for some kind of sport or activity since she isn't in school just yet and figured it would be good for her. As I expected, gymnastics is a huge hit. She gets excited to try new things and I love that I can sit and watch her learn. It's mostly the moms there and I know CeCe notices that. For being only three years old, she's incredibly perceptive. Some days, the things her imagination comes up with or the questions her little brain decides to ask, floor me.

As I'm watching her from the window at gymnastics, I see her eyes searching for me from the gym floor. When she finds me, her thumb, index, and pinky finger go up. I bring my fingers up in front of the glass mimicking the gesture for her to see and her face lights up.

It's a relief to me that she's so outgoing. She loves being around people. She loves talking and singing and dancing. She enjoys making friends and being social. A massive contrast from me.

I'll be the first to admit I can be untrusting, even dull at times, but every decision I have made in the last three years has been for the benefit of my daughter. I shed so much of the person I used to be, I don't even recall much about that man. The only thing that matters right now is CeCe.