Chapter 41

41

DES

T he sickness I've been pushing down since The Brass Monkey last night is like a huge wave battering against a dam. And I'm not sure whether it's too much alcohol or the ache in my heart. The news on my phone is all politics and talk of the latest tech bubble, but I can't stop flipping back to Facebook to scroll through the photographs of Alex. I'm furious and devastated all at once. I need to construct a fortress around myself in a way I've never had to before. He bulldozed into my life, oblivious, and took me apart, piece by piece. How am I going to put myself back together? I don't know what's truth and what's lies anymore.

I thought we had an understanding. All those long heart-to-hearts and warm evenings spent pressed into him watching TV. Blinking rapidly, I look away from my phone and press my lips together. I was going to help him navigate all this, navigate coming out. But it was like he took one step outside the prison walls, looked around, didn't like what he saw, and stepped straight back inside. He's called and messaged me, but I don't want to have another of those Alex conversations about how he has to catch his train, or reminding me he's bisexual, or that he met me on Grindr, or any one of another hundred tiny cuts that flail my skin. Nobody told me falling in love would feel this bad, like I'm on the edge of a diving board every day, jumping off time and time again into freezing water. He was the perfect person for me and I can hardly bear it. Goddammit, escaping to Korea is beginning to sound reasonable.

At this early hour, the office is empty apart from Jo, swamped by her chair, stomach huge against her small frame. All over again I'm impressed by what women pull off every damn day. They give birth to children and manage to be on top of everything else as well. I walk around to her side of the three desks in the corner that she, James and I sit in, and lean over to kiss her cheek.

"How are you doing?" I say.

She blinks up at me. "Good thanks." She rests a hand on her stomach. "How are things with you?"

I make a face at her, and she tilts her head.

"You know I was seeing that guy?"

"Ankle guy?"

"Yeah. Alex. Well, it didn't work out."

She purses her lips and makes a sad face. "I'm sorry, Des, that doesn't sound like fun."

Sighing, I run a hand over my head. If she asks me about it, I might spill my sorrows all over the desk, so I change the subject.

"What do you make of James and Jane splitting up?" I say.

"God, I hope he's okay." She chews her cheek. "They were perfect together. People are idiots sometimes. I don't think Jane could find a better man."

I'd like to think I was Alex's better man, but he chose his family over, well, everything. "Tell me about it."

Letting out a deep sigh, she says, "James volunteered to go to Korea, but we need him here really." She spreads her hands out. "I'll be off on maternity leave soon and someone needs to run the business."

Realization hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm an idiot. Why didn't I join the dots on this sooner? I don't even have the option of whether to go to Seoul or not—there's no one else. Some of the team are doing well now, but no one is expert enough or up to speed enough to set up a satellite office.

"I'll go to Korea," I say, dropping a present with bows on into her lap.

"What?" A huge smile breaks across her face. "Just like that?"

"I've been thinking about it since you asked me, and I think I should go."

"Are you sure, Des? You don't need to …"

"No. I like it out there. The client is great. It's a fabulous country, and it might be helpful to escape New York for a while. A change of scene would do me good."

The business needs me out there. Jo needs me out there. Lorna was spot on: I'd be a fool to turn this down. It will catapult my career into the stratosphere, and leaning into the one thing that's going right in my life right now is the sensible course of action. Not to mention what it will do to my shareholding if we grow this company. I like Korea. What difference does it make where I am? Mitzi can come with me.

"It doesn't have to be forever," Jo says. "Depending on what you want to do, and if you set it up well and find some talented people, I'm thinking a couple of years to get things moving and working. It could even be a blueprint for other countries."

"That sounds ideal actually."

The office door clicks, and Jo peers around me as I turn to see James, earbuds in and frowning. Taking them out, he gives us both a wan smile as he arrives at his desk.

"What's up?" he says.

"Des is going to go to Korea."

James fiddles with something on his backpack as he nods, and I don't like the way he's not meeting my eyes.

"Is that okay? I know you volunteered if I didn't go and …"

"It's fine."

I narrow my eyes at him. What is he not saying here?

"Are you and Jane still not …"

Blowing out a long breath, he nods. "We're still split up." His voice catches. "And we're still not talking about it."

He pinches his fingers over the bridge of his nose, and I turn around to grimace at Jo who just widens her eyes at me. Grabbing his arm, I steer him into the boardroom. His head is still down, looking at his shoes, as we come to a stop beside the conference table.

"We've been together ten years," he whispers, swallowing. "Correction, we were together for ten years." He presses the heels of his hands into his eye sockets.

I step into him and pull him into a hug, and his arms come up my back as he hangs on to me.

"What do I do?" His voice breaks next to my ear.

This hollow devastated feeling I have about Alex: How would I feel if we'd been with each other for a decade? My stomach roils.

"What's happened?"

"She's found someone else," he whispers.

"You're kidding me, right?" I lean back to look at him and take him by the shoulders. The way Jane looked at him every damn time I saw them like he was God and Adonis rolled into one.

"We had an argument. I mean that always happens, yeah? Nothing is ever plain sailing and when you've been with somebody a long time … But she went home after it and we weren't really speaking and she reconnected with an old boyfriend, and it's like … She's talking about moving back to Ohio."

"That doesn't sound like the Jane I've met."

"Yeah, she isn't particularly impulsive. That's why we get on so well." His eyes meet mine and fill with tears, so I pull him straight back into me again.

"You know this is a platonic hug, right?" I say into his shoulder. He's so damn tall. "Don't go getting any ideas."

He huffs out a half laugh, and warmth slides through me that I've managed to get that out of him.

"She's definitely back with this guy?" I add, pulling back.

"Yes, she goes to Cleveland every weekend to see him."

"And you know this because you're still in the apartment?" I squeak.

He nods. "What else can I do?"

James and Jane have lived together for the past five years. How is it possible for them to be sharing a space? It must be killing him.

"What have you been doing with yourself at weekends?"

"Contemplating suicide?"

Fuck, I don't like the sound of that. "You can have my place when I go to Korea."

"God. How could I ever move out? Not even seeing her …"

"Maybe she's trying to send you a message about getting married or something?" Who knows how women really think? It's a stunt one of my sisters might try and pull.

"I asked her. I had the ring and everything. Made it all romantic. We went back to our old school in Cleveland: It's as corny as they come, but it's where we met. And I gave her a series of notes with all the things I love about her written on them."

" Whaatttt? That sounds incredible. What happened?"

"She said we were more like brother and sister now, and the magic had gone for her."

"Oh shit, James. That's brutal."

"Tell me about it. This all happened because I asked her."

I shake my head. "No, it didn't."

"She's it for me, Des. What am I going to do now?"

"What about trying to woo her?"

He pulls on his ear which is a sure sign of James thinking, but his shoulders slump. "I've left it too late. It's pointless."

"Come on, when did you ever give up without a fight? Perhaps she needs reminding who's hung her moon and stars for the past ten years."

This gets me a reluctant smile. "Maybe childhood sweethearts aren't meant to be."

No one is better matched than James and Jane. They're both quiet dedicated types and enjoy each other's company like no couple I've ever met. If they can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

"She's an idiot."

"I'm the idiot in this scenario."

"Come on, James, we need a plan of action. Uncle Des is on it now. We have to remind her you are the king of romance."

He starts to laugh. "You're a lunatic, Des. I am not the king of romance."

"You will be when I get my posse onto you."

"I do not want your gay friends interfering in my love life."

"Yes, you do," I say, pulling my phone from my pocket, and all my woes with Alex are forgotten in the heat of a problem that is worse than mine to solve.

Typing SOS into the WhatsApp box, I turn it around to show James as three people instantly start to respond.

"Oh God," he says. "Not George."

I type in another message:

Emergency meeting tonight, no excuses.

George responds:

Is this Alex?

No, James.

Ooo, a new one!

If only I was that fickle.

James from work! He needs help with his girlfriend.

Then Dimitri chimes in:

What do we know about straight relationships?

James is watching over my shoulder, grinning. Another smile—that's progress, right? I type in:

Who cares? It's all hands on deck. Our collective romantic genius is being tested. Put your thinking caps on.

Righteous!

Steve . What has he been smoking? Turning to James, I point my finger in his face.

"Red roses ordered to her office."

"Not a good idea. She hates cut flowers and says it's an affront to the environment."

Oh fuck, she's going to be one of those.