Chapter 40

40

ALEX

O nce I'm past the doorman and up in the elevator, I stick my key in Nana's apartment door and, after a bit of wiggling it around like I always do, it turns.

"Hey, Nana!" I shout as the familiar click of the dogs' claws racing across the floor reaches my ears and Betsy appears, skidding to a halt a couple of feet away and she crouches down, growling.

"Come on, you," I say, laughing, as Ivor waddles around the corner, fat body rolling from side to side.

"Alex!" Nana's wobbly voice and slip-slap of slippers approach down the corridor as I go down on my haunches and give Betsy a full body rub.

"What are you doing here so late?" she says, appearing around the corner and looking at the gold strap on her wrist.

Might as well launch straight into it. "I was wondering if I might stay for a few days."

"Of course you can. But why, what's happened? I thought you were staying with that lovely man of yours, or so my spies tell me."

Betsy jumps up and puts her paws on my leg, tail going hell for leather. Clearly her spies, whoever they are and I suspect Rachel, haven't told her everything that's gone on in the last couple of days.

A lump in my throat threatens to make me mute. Des still hasn't responded to any of my calls or texts from earlier this evening. The last time I saw him we had sex on his couch but he was mad at me. I don't know what to make of the fact he's not answering. How do I even approach him or balance all the things I need to do? Home is this simmering dark cloud. I bend down to Betsy again so I don't have to meet Nana's eyes.

"I'm sorry I haven't been over."

"Ach, I know you were annoyed with me," she says, waving her hand. "And I owe you an apology and an explanation. You're such a good boy."

Straightening, I lean in and kiss her soft cheek, inhaling her scent of powder and violets. I'm not sure anyone thinks I'm a good boy these days: not Des, certainly not my parents.

When I pull back, her eyes are twinkling at me. "Why do you need to stay?" she says.

Ah. "Actually, I've been back at home for a few days."

There's silence for a beat and then she says, "You're not with Des? When did that happen?"

"I went home for Sunday lunch, and everybody was there: Aunt Jessica, Uncle Benny, Mom's sister. A couple of elders from the synagogue. Rabbi Yosef."

" Rabbi Yosef? What was he doing there?" Her tone is flat and annoyed, and I can count the times I've heard Nana sound mad on one hand.

"You know Dad, he wants to bend everyone to his agenda. I think he was trying to stage an intervention."

"Oh, Alex, " she says, pressing her hand to her chest.

And I haven't even got on to Des's unhappiness with me yet. I run my hands over my face, and she takes hold of my elbow. "Come and have a cup of something and talk to your grandma."

She shuffles down the corridor and rings the bell, and Anna appears. "Tea, Anna, please," she says, sinking down into the brocade sofa. I take a seat next to her, glancing at my watch: 10 p.m. How late does Anna work?

"Tell me what's happened."

I bite my lip. "After the meal at home when you …" I tail off as she grimaces. "Your spies were right, I left and went to live with Des." I study my hands. "Then Dad came round to Des's apartment to apologize."

"Your father did that?" Nana huffs as Anna appears and sets out the cups and saucers on the low coffee table between us. "He probably read some book about effective intervention strategies and thought he'd try it out."

Anna hands Nana her tea, and she takes a sip, closing her eyes as I gape at her.

"Your mother must have made him come," she adds, letting out a deep sigh. "So, I presume you didn't decide to go back to live with your parents because your father said he was fine with you being gay?"

"No. I talked to Rachel and she just … Well, things were bad at home, and I needed to take some of the responsibility for that."

"The responsibility rests with no one but your father."

"I get that, but I thought if I went back, maybe I could make it easier. But instead, it got more complicated. They wanted to sweep it all under the carpet."

"No surprises there."

"What do you mean?"

"Your father isn't a pleasant man, Alex, and you were completely right: I spoiled him terribly when he was younger. I've regretted that every day watching the way he treats his family as if they are his personal set of toys to play with." She tuts. "He was never good at sharing."

My jaw drops. She's never said anything like this about Dad.

"He's your son," I say.

"Yes, he is!" she says sharply. "And I understand his flaws better than anyone." Closing her eyes again, she takes a deep breath. "I wanted to help you break free."

Shock burns through me. But she carries on:

"After what happened with Tom, I was pretty sure you were gay, but then you brought Des around and that just confirmed it. I knew you wouldn't confront your father; he's too much of a bully."

"You did it deliberately?" My voice shakes.

She nods, warm, wet eyes roving my face. "And I'm so sorry for that. I've never done something so misguided with my grandchildren. Nate would be furious with me, God rest his soul. But your father … I'm sorry he hit you, Alex." Her eyes water as her mouth turns down, and she sweeps out a shaking hand. "I never thought he would do something like that now."

"His rages have always been terrifying," I say.

Reaching out, she puts a trembling hand on mine, and I curl my fingers around hers. "I'm sorry I didn't call you. I knew you'd gone to live with Des, and I was pleased you were with him and I thought I'd apologize when you were past wanting to murder me." She gives a small smile.

A rush of warmth floods through me. I've never heard her so uncertain. "You're forgiven, Nana. But I still feel dreadful about Tom," I add.

She nods. "So do I, but Tom's family are much worse than yours, which is not your burden."

"Tom blames me. Even though it was him who …"

"Rachel did a good job of persuading your parents that Tom led you astray, but when you talked to me about it, I felt that wasn't quite the full picture."

She lets go of my hand and sips her tea.

"I've known since I was a teenager that I liked men, but I didn't think I was gay—I had girlfriends. I don't know what I thought." I pick at some skin on my hand. "I was trying to fit in, sweeping it all under the rug like my parents." A harsh laugh slips out. "Then I met Des," I say.

"All it takes is the right person," she says. "So." She purses her lips. "Are you going to continue to let them sweep it all under the rug?"

Groaning, I say, "This is not even the whole story. Mom and Dad invited the Silverman family around for dinner, with the obvious intention of lining me up with their eldest daughter, Amalia. They had clearly discussed it with the Silvermans. Then my mom said Amalia would give up her place at Princeton if I was interested, something she's spent years working for. I was so horrified, Nana, I can't tell you. I argued with Mom and left. Then I called Amalia and told her I was gay and she was very nice about it. Going back to Des's wasn't really an option, so I came here."

Nana tuts. "Why couldn't you go back to Des's?"

"He isn't answering my calls. I haven't heard from him in two days. He said my father would never come round."

"Yes, well that's likely true. Your father never compromised, even when he was a boy." A worried frown creases her brow.

"Des must be totally fed up with all my fumbling missteps. You saw him, Nana. A lot of guys like him. He's so gorgeous, I still can't really believe he's interested in me," I say.

She tuts. "That doesn't sound like the Des I met. I met a very emotional young man who looked at my grandson like he adored him."

My whole chest tightens.

"He's probably feeling rejected," she adds.

"Oh, I don't think so, Nana. He seems pretty bulletproof to me."

Nana shakes her head at me, like I have no idea what I'm talking about. "What does that even mean, Alex? How would you feel if you'd rescued some young man from his family and then he went back to them after you'd helped him?"

She's got a point. The expression on his face when I made that stupid comment about Grindr. How he exploded at me a couple of times. How the sex felt two days ago … less bare than it normally does. Like he was holding something back, like I'd lost something precious. What have I done? In the desire to do right by my family, have I damaged the best thing that's ever happened to me?

And I can't believe how Nana views her own son. How long has she kept quiet? Why intervene now?

"You're not going to be able to reconcile it all, Alex. Don't lose something good trying to placate your father," she says. "He's never going to be a happy man."