Chapter 18

Ada helped Max back to his room early, but it was well past dawn. They’d overslept. She wasn’t surprised, considering the excitement of the night before. She helped him get into his own bed and instructed him to go back to sleep to help his shoulder recover.

As she’d kissed him goodbye, she wondered if that would be the last time. Presumably, he’d leave tomorrow. Which meant they had tonight. But should they spend it together knowing they would part in the morning? It was getting more and more difficult.

For her, anyway. She’d no idea how he felt, and she didn’t have the nerve to ask him.

What would he say? That he hated to be apart from her and wanted her to be his wife? There was no way he was ready to do that now—he was still healing. And when he was himself again, or as much himself as he could hope to be, there was no telling what he would do. He’d been clear about his intent to remain unwed and to allow his title to go extinct.

Last night had been full of revelations. She now fully understood the weight of his burden and the depth of his guilt and despair. She also saw that he was healing, despite what had happened at Vauxhall.

It was difficult not to abandon her work in favor of checking on him. Had he already gone to Lady Peterborough’s? Ada was eager to hear how that went. Hopefully, she’d see him tonight on the men’s side of the club. After last night, there was no guarantee he would want to be in a group of people.

But it could be his last night in London. If he didn’t come, she might consider pushing him into it. When he returned to Stonehill, he could go back to being a hermit.

The thought of that tore at her heartstrings.

It occurred to her in that moment that she ought to perhaps push herself. She’d been thinking of what Evie had said in the coach about taking a boat to Vauxhall. It was, mayhap, time to conquer her fear of the water.

She could take a small boat out onto the Serpentine. That would be easy enough. But the Serpentine was hardly the type of water that made her quake. Oh, she’d avoid it most certainly, but if she truly wanted to overcome her terror, she should take a wherry down the Thames.

The idea made her blood turn cold.

Perhaps she could ask Max to come with her. She knew he would. Even so, she couldn’t depend on him—shouldn’t. It would make his eventual departure that much more painful.

Evie or Prudence, or both of them, would go with her. They could make a day of it, perhaps traveling down to Hampton. Well, perhaps not that far.

Before she could relegate it to the back of her mind, Ada gathered her courage and stood from her desk. She made her way down one flight of stairs to Evie’s office.

The door was open, so Ada stepped inside. Evie sat behind her desk writing, the late morning sun streaming from behind her. She looked up and smiled, but a touch of concern marred her normally smooth brow. “Good morning, Ada. I didn’t want to bother you after last night’s excitement. How is Warfield?”

Ada considered prevaricating, but Evie wasn’t stupid. She at least knew that Ada had cared for his wound upon returning to the club. “His injury wasn’t that bad.”

Evie stood and moved around her desk, gesturing to the settee before taking a seat. “And his general demeanor? Is that improved?”

Sitting beside Evie, Ada again decided not to lie. “I think so. The fireworks seem to have put him in a place where he thought he was at war again. Then those men accosted me, and he reacted in a violent manner. He was quite shaken by it all.”

“I could see that. He was also rather angry with Lucien.” She frowned. “Lucien would not explain it to me. I don’t suppose Warfield told you the truth of the matter?”

“That is between him and Lucien.” It was the most diplomatic thing Ada could think to say. She absolutely wouldn’t break Max’s confidence. “I did advise him to speak with Lucien and to mend their breach, if he could.”

“Will he?” Evie clucked her tongue. “I’ve never seen Lucien upset like that.” That was saying something since Evie knew him perhaps better than anyone. She’d been his mistress for some time, and they were still close friends. Ada had asked her once if there was any hope for them in the future. Evie had responded there was not, that she had no romantic feelings for him, nor did he for her.

Ada shrugged. “I can’t say for certain.”

“You and Warfield seem rather close. Dare I hope there is something between you?”

“Why would you, of all people, hope for that?” Ada asked with a laugh. Evie was as against marriage as a person could be. As a former courtesan, she had no desire to be owned by a man ever again. She had no need of their money, and she argued that love could be had without the bondage that marriage required.

“Just because I don’t wish to be a wife doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.” Evie held up her hand before Ada could speak. “I know you prefer to remain unwed, to cling to your independence. But sometimes I think you’re trying to emulate me.”

Ada appreciated Evie’s shrewdness, and she wasn’t wrong. “I did once; however, I am quite content to be Ada Treadway, bookkeeper. For the first time, I feel needed and important, that my loss would be felt. I don’t know that I can trade that for anything.” Emotion tickled her throat, and she coughed gently.

“Hear, hear,” Evie said softly. “I’m so very proud of you. I will be forever glad for the day we met in that tearoom in St. Germans.”

“No more than I.” It was there that Evie had detected Ada’s sorrow. She’d just left her position as governess a few days before and was trying to determine how to make her way as an unwed mother without employment. Evie had taken charge, drying Ada’s tears, and counseling her on how she could reclaim her life.

Buoyed by Evie’s support and instant care for her welfare, Ada had decided not to have the baby. After a short time, Evie and Ada had traveled to western Cornwall. Those months had shown Ada what the life of an independent woman could be—and she wanted that.

Now she had it.

“I came to see if you might help me face my fear of the water.”

A look of distress passed over Evie’s features. She reached over and touched Ada’s forearm. “Is this because of my insensitive comment last night?”

“Yes, but that’s not a bad thing, truly. In helping Max—Lord Warfield—to heal, which requires him to overcome his own fears and challenges, I find I am somewhat of a hypocrite. So I’m going to get on a boat. I’d thought to take a wherry from the Horse Ferry perhaps down to Somerset House.” She shuddered. “Will you come with me? I plan to invite Prudence too.”

“Of course! Though, Prudence may not want to get on a wherry if she feels sick from the babe.”

Prudence was expecting a child, which only a select group of people knew. Ada had talked Prudence through her shock and fear at learning she was pregnant—that was before she’d married Glastonbury. Fortunately, all had worked out well and they’d discovered a mutual love and devotion, but it hadn’t been easy.

“That’s certainly true, though I think she’s felt well for the most part. I’d like to go tomorrow.”

“So quickly?”

“I don’t want to lose my nerve.”

Evie grinned. “Then, let’s do it. I’ll arrange for someone to pick us up at Somerset House.”

Joanna, one of the footwomen appeared in the doorway of the office. She wore a puzzled expression. “Pardon me for interrupting. There’s a gentleman here to see Miss Treadway.” She darted a glance toward Ada. “I told him that we don’t receive gentlemen on this side of the club, but he was most insistent.”

Ada’s first thought was that it was Max, but it wouldn’t be him. He knew the rules of the club and had demonstrated his ability to circumvent them. This sounded like someone who didn’t know what the Phoenix Club was and had arrived here looking for Ada.

“We’ll have to receive him on the men’s side,” Evie said with authority, standing. “Instruct him to go to that door, and I’ll have Sebastian show him up to Lucien’s office.”

Joanna nodded, then left.

Ada rose, wondering who it could be. “Before you ask, no, I don’t know who it is. I’m as perplexed as Joanna.”

“We shall find out soon enough.” Evie preceded her over the threshold, and they made their way to the men’s side, arriving quickly at Lucien’s office.

Seated at his desk reading, Lucien looked up as they entered. “Good morning. Am I in trouble?”

“No, why would you think that?” Evie asked.

“Because you’re both here, and last night was, ah, difficult.”

“You aren’t in trouble,” Ada said, moving into the office to stand near the settee. “We aren’t even here about that.”

“How is Max?” he asked quietly.

“Better than you probably think,” Ada responded. “I’m hopeful that you’ll hear that from him, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter. We’re here because a gentleman has come to see me. Evie thought I could use your office.”

“Actually, I said ‘we’ would receive him,” Evie clarified. “If you think I’m leaving you alone to meet some unknown man, even in the security of the club, you don’t know me very well.”

“Perhaps I should stay too,” Lucien offered, rising from his chair.

Ada exhaled. “While I appreciate you both very much, I am a grown, independent woman.”

Sebastian appeared in the doorway, his blue gaze sweeping the occupants of the office. “Mr. Jonathan Hemmings is here for Miss Treadway.”

Thankfully, the settee was close, for Ada sank onto it, her jaw dropping just before she clapped her shaking hand to her mouth.

Evie sat down beside her. “Oh dear. You can’t want me to leave now.”

“Then I’m staying too,” Lucien said, walking to the far side of the fireplace, where he leaned against the mantel.

Ada wasn’t at all sure she wanted them as an audience for whatever Jonathan was here to say. But she also wasn’t able to form words at the moment. She’d never thought to see him again.

“Show him in,” Evie said, giving Ada’s suddenly frigid hand a squeeze.

Jonathan entered, hat in his hands, his familiar face tugging at something deep inside Ada, something she’d thought forever buried. His brown eyes crinkled at the edges, his mouth splitting into his charming, boyish smile. “Ada, you look well.”

Somehow, she managed to speak. “As do you. I’m shocked to see you, however.”

His focus darted to Evie and then Lucien before settling on Ada once more. She answered his silent question. “Allow me to introduce my employers, Lord Lucien Westbrook and Mrs. Evangeline Renshaw.”

Jonathan bowed. “I’m so pleased to meet the people who’ve given my Ada a haven.”

Ada bristled. His Ada?

Smiling tightly, Jonathan continued, “I wonder if we might have a few minutes alone to speak privately. I’ve some news I wish to share with Ada.”

Ada whispered to Evie, “I’ll be fine. Would you mind waiting outside and taking Lucien with you?”

Evie squeezed her hand again before letting it go. “I’ll be just outside if you need me.” She stood and looked to Lucien, silently indicating he should go with her.

Lucien didn’t seem to want to, but he went, his gaze fixed on Jonathan. “We’ll be right outside.”

The door closed, leaving Ada alone with the man she’d once loved. The man whose child she’d carried and who’d broken her heart. No, she’d served up her heart to be broken by engaging in such a foolish affair in the first place.

Ada hadn’t meant to fall in love with Jonathan, even knowing his wife hadn’t loved him herself. Their marriage had been arranged when they were children, and Letitia had made no secret about not even finding him attractive. Ada sometimes wondered if the things Letitia said had prompted Ada’s tendre for him, that perhaps she’d felt bad for him to be trapped in a marriage in which neither he nor his wife were particularly happy. Like Ada, Jonathan deserved to be loved and appreciated. Though they’d tried to resist their mutual attraction—and had for over a year—their lonely hearts had latched on to each other, and Ada had convinced herself that it was all right, that what they shared was pure and true, even though he was already married to another. She hadn’t thought past her own need for love and intimacy. In many ways, she felt as much guilt for her behavior with Jonathan as she did for her sister’s death.

Jonathan came to perch beside her on the settee, pulling her from her reverie. He angled his body toward her and set his hat down behind him on the cushion. He gazed at her with an expression she’d seen many times—abject longing. Did he still harbor feelings for her? “You look so very well.”

“Thank you. I am well. How did you find me?”

“I hired someone, actually. It took some time to locate you.” He glanced around the office. “What sort of club is this? What is it you do here?”

There was a touch of alarm in his questions, and she wondered what he thought the Phoenix Club was. “It’s a members’ club—for men and women. It’s unlike anything else in London. I am the bookkeeper.” She cocked her head. “What did you think I was?”

Relief relaxed his features. “Honestly, I had no idea. But when I was told the other side was for women only and this side was for men, my imagination ran a bit wild.”

“Did you think I’d become a prostitute?” She’d told him what she’d done that one time, when she’d been at her absolute lowest. “I said I’d never do that again.”

“I know, but life can be difficult.” He reached for her hand. “I would never judge you for it, my darling. I still love you so very much.”

His feelings hadn’t waned. She never expected this. “Why are you here?”

“Letitia died last year giving birth to our fourth child. She’s a girl, which has delighted Rebecca.”

Ada was sad that his wife had died, especially in childbirth. It was one of her greatest fears. Leaving a child motherless and vulnerable was perhaps the primary reason Ada had decided not to have the baby. “I’m so sorry about Letitia.” She patted his hand and then drew hers away, which was awkward since his hand was in her lap.

He took the hint, however, and pulled it back. “It has been difficult, particularly on the children. Rebecca has tried to play mother, which shouldn’t surprise you.”

Rebecca was his eldest daughter, a commanding and inquisitive child whom Ada had adored. She would be ten by now. There were also two boys, daring and playful.

“No, that doesn’t surprise me,” Ada murmured. She did miss his children. And for a long time, she’d missed Jonathan.

“You can probably imagine why I’ve come.” His eyes held an expectant glimmer.

“I can’t, actually.” Did he want to ask her to return as his governess so they could continue their affair? She’d never told him about the child. What would have been the point? She’d simply given her notice, saying she’d found another position.

“I want you to be my wife. To be the mother of my children. They adore you so. They can hardly wait for me to return with you.”

She blinked at him. “You told them you were coming to see me?”

“To fetch you. Honestly, part of the reason I decided to look for you, aside from my own desires and the love I still have for you, was them, Rebecca in particular. Six months after her mother died, she came to see me and said it was time I found a new mother for them. She suggested you, but I must confess I never stopped thinking about you. Our months together were the happiest of my life. I’m ashamed to say that Letitia’s death filled me with hope that we might have a future together. I’m so pleased to find you haven’t wed someone else.”

Ada couldn’t help feeling a rush of happiness that Rebecca wanted to have her for a mother. But then she felt a surge of dread that Jonathan’s feelings hadn’t changed while hers had. She decided to ignore the latter in favor of the former. “I do miss the children. They’re all well?”

“Very, including the babe. Her name is Constance.”

All the air left Ada’s lungs. “Not for me?” She practically squeaked the last word.

“Only I know that, but yes. As I said, you’ve never been far from my mind, Ada. Or my heart. I would have started to search for you sooner, but I thought I should observe a mourning period—for the children.”

This was so strange and unexpected. Ada felt as though she were watching this encounter as a spectator, as if it were happening to someone else. She couldn’t return his sentiments as much as she might want to. Did she want to? This was all she’d wanted for so long—a family to call her own, a place where she was wanted and needed. “I’ve, ah, been so fortunate here at the Phoenix Club. I am quite content.”

“I’m relieved to hear it, but you can’t want to stay here forever? I want you to come back to Cornwall with me. You’ll be mistress of Tidwell and mother to four children who already love you—plus any others we will have together.” His brown eyes shone with love and hope.

Ada couldn’t ignore that it was tempting, especially the part about future children. She’d never even dared to dream that would be possible, that she and Jonathan could live happily as husband and wife with children of their own. To do so would mean she’d wished for his wife to die, and she’d never wanted that.

“This is such a shock,” was all she could manage to say. She was more than happy at the Phoenix Club and with her current life.

A life that, at the moment anyway, included a certain viscount she was, unfortunately and unrequitedly, madly in love with.

“I can imagine,” he said. “I’m sure you need time to think and to adjust to such a big change. You seem to have a good life here, and I presume leaving it might be difficult. I can only hope you’ll want to.” He gave her a warm, encouraging smile, reminding her of his kindness and concern, traits she’d adored, especially after the cold bitterness of her own family.

She would at least do him the courtesy of considering his proposal. It was the sensible thing to do, and if she’d learned to be nothing else, she was sensible. He was offering her a lifetime of security and love. A family. A permanent place. “I presume you’re staying somewhere in town?”

“Yes, with an old friend from my school days—Reginald Huxton.”

“I know Reggie. He and his wife are members here.” Ada had no idea they knew Jonathan, but then why would she?

“I didn’t realize. I wasn’t specific about where I was going today.” He lifted his hand as if he were going to touch her again but then changed his mind and set it back in his lap.

Ada gently exhaled with relief. She wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about seeing Jonathan again, but she knew she wasn’t ready to resume their relationship. She stood, eager to be alone with her thoughts. Or at least not with him.

Jonathan also got to his feet. “When can I see you next?”

“I’m not sure. You’ve given me a great deal to think about. I do have a good life here and I’m very happy.”

“You look happy. There’s an air of joyful calm about you, but then you always possessed such a positive energy.”

“You used to say I was brighter than the sun.” She felt a surge of nostalgia and perhaps a bit of sadness for what she’d lost. But she’d come to terms with that some time ago.

“You still are.” He took her hand and kissed the back. “You know where to find me. Just know that I’ll be back if I don’t hear from you soon.”

She followed him to the door, holding it as he left. Evie and Lucien stood just inside the members’ den. They watched as Jonathan walked from the office, then hastened to join Ada.

“What did he want?” Evie asked.

Ada blinked as if she were coming out of a trance. “His wife died. He asked me to marry him.”

Evie’s eyes rounded, and Lucien wiped a hand over his face.

Evie looked at her expectantly. “What did you say?”

“That I had to think about it.” Ada’s insides roiled—this was so utterly unexpected.

“Are you truly considering it?” Evie sounded as if she were holding her breath.

“I don’t know. I think I’d be foolish not to. There’s a great deal of security in being a gentleman’s wife.” It was as if she were trying to convince herself, which she supposed she was.

“You have security here,” Evie said, sounding irritated. “This is far greater than anything a gentleman can give you. Particularly one who took advantage of his station as your employer.”

Ada wasn’t surprised by Evie’s reaction, nor did it bother her. “I was as much to blame as he was. He didn’t take anything I didn’t freely offer.” She belatedly realized they were having this conversation in front of Lucien. Heat climbed her neck, and she cast a nervous glance toward him.

“I’m afraid I agree with Evie,” he said. “He absolutely took advantage, even if you encouraged him. Gentlemen don’t conduct liaisons with their governess or any of their other employees, for that matter.”

Ada knew she’d been na?ve and forlorn. She’d wanted a connection with anyone, and Jonathan had wanted that too. “But he’s here now declaring his love and proposing marriage. Our behavior in the past was wrong, but I won’t blame him for it when I was an eager participant.”

“Do you still love him?” Evie asked softly. “When I first met you, I wondered if you’d ever get over leaving him. But you haven’t mentioned him in a very long time. Indeed, I’m not sure you spoke of him after we left Cornwall.”

Because Ada had promised herself that she would leave him and the love she’d felt for him there when she’d come to London with Evie. So, she’d never spoken of him.

Evie’s question thundered in her mind: did she still love him?

“No, I don’t love him anymore.” The answer came fast and certain. “I am fond of him, and I always will be. He gave me solace and hope when I had none.”

A shocking thought rose in her mind: perhaps she hadn’t really loved Jonathan at all. Or perhaps it was that her love, or the way she loved, had changed. Because what she felt for Max was wholly different. Max made her feel brighter than the sun.

But Max wasn’t offering marriage nor would he ever.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’ve work to do.” Ada summoned a half-hearted smile and returned to the ladies’ side of the club.