Chapter 20

CHAPTER20

Athan was chatting with the innkeeper again. Elric watched, still warring with the jealousy inside him, but he knew it was unwarranted. The scarring on the inside of his wrists was proof of that. Those were the only visible remains of everything that had transpired, two spots that matched Athan’s fingers perfectly.

Elric didn’t want those scars to ever go away. He pressed down on one, the throb of pain a reminder of everything he’d gone through to get here, a reminder of Athan’s love.

None of that helped him with his actual task, though. The paper in front of him was still blank save for the heading:

Dear Larkin.

Every time Elric attempted to lift the ink pen, his hand shook, and he couldn’t find any adequate words. He had so many emotions, yet no words to convey them.

Was it selfish of him to even consider writing this letter? Larkin was at peace now. He had his kingdom; he had his dragon. Larkin would surely be better off believing Elric to be dead.

Athan walked over, setting a tray of food down on the table between them.

“How goes the letter writing?” Athan asked, pushing one of the plates closer to Elric.

Elric shook his head slightly, not in the least bit hungry. “I don’t know if I should bother, Athan. He hates me, and he should. I want…” He sighed, looking down at the mostly blank parchment again. “I don’t want to trick him into believing I’m dead. He would mourn me, like the fool he is.” But there was no vitriol in his voice when he called his brother a fool. It was simply… a part of Larkin. He was naive, and he was trusting, and those were things that Elric envied.

“He sounds like a good person,” Athan said, smiling encouragingly. “He sounds like he’d want to hear from you.”

“If that dragon is any good for him, he’ll burn the letter before Larkin ever reads it.” Elric rubbed his brow to ease the budding headache. “Larkin is a good person. He always saw the best in me, despite how often I showed him my true colors.”

Athan reached out to cover Elric’s hand with his own. “Then he’ll want to know who you are now, too. He might not forgive you, Elric. If he continues to hate you, there is nothing you can do but respect his decision and stay away. But some people do want closure.”

“He’s the type to want it,” Elric admitted. “I…” He looked up at Athan. “I have a favor to ask of you, something I have no right to ask.”

Athan nodded encouragingly. “You know I’ll help. Well, if I think it’ll help.”

“Bring it to him for me,” Elric said quietly. “Tell him I have no intention of challenging him for the throne. Not now, not ever. I could write it, but…” He sighed, staring down at the inkwell. “I don’t want the dragon to roast the messenger, you understand, and I want Larkin to know that much at least.”

Athan smiled, and it wasn’t fair how bright he was. No wonder everybody knew instantly that he was a phoenix as soon as they looked at him.

“I’d be happy to. It might not be bad to meet your brother and his dragon either.” After a beat, Athan added, “Of course, you have to actually write the letter before I can do that.”

Elric made a face at him. “Yes, yes.” He took a piece of bread, but he was too nauseated to do anything but nibble at the edge of it. He sighed and picked up the quill again. “All right. I’ll make a mess of things, most likely, but I’ll… try.”

He looked back down at the parchment, reading over the two words he’d written. Dear Larkin. Were they too familiar? Should he call him King Larkin?

“Should I call him Your Highness, Athan?” Elric asked quietly. “I don’t… I don’t know that I have the right to even use his given name.”

“How would your brother want to be addressed?” Athan asked, peering at the paper. “You know I don’t care about all this ceremony like you humans do, and I still think claiming dominion over any other living creatures is… not the best idea. But it’s important to you and your brother. So go with whatever feels right for you and for him.”

Elric sighed, then nodded, looking back down at the page.

Larkin, then.

After a long moment, he began to write. The words came painfully at first, a little resentfully even, but as he went on… they became more heartfelt. More honest. Until he finally passed the parchment over to Athan to read.

“This will have to be it,” he said, tears in his eyes. “I can’t write this again.”

Athan quietly read the letter. “You don’t want to tell him about… any of what your mother did?”

Elric slowly shook his head. “It would seem like an excuse,” he said. “And I don’t want him to think I’m making excuses. He doesn’t need to have his illusions spoiled.” He took the quill and added a quick postscript to the message, even though it broke his own heart to write.

This wasn’t about him, though.

This was about Larkin.

Athan folded the letter up and tucked it into his bag. “This is a good start, Elric. I’ll deliver it. And when I return, we’ll see about finding a few more broken people to mend.” He smiled at Elric and took his hand, placing a soft kiss on the knuckles.

“Thank you,” Elric said softly. “I’ll stay out of trouble while you’re gone.”

“Maybe you can even try to make a friend,” Athan joked. “The innkeeper needs somebody to help him with a bit of bookkeeping, in fact. I told him you have some experience with finances.”

Elric stared at him. “Did you tell him I’d… help him for free?”

“No,” Athan said with a straight face. “I told him you’d help for room and board while I was away.”

Elric sighed. “Well. You won’t be gone for long, at least. I know I need to practice being a better person, but it’s so much easier when you’re around. I don’t know what I’d do trying to give up my time for nothing.” He was teasing, a bit, but it was still uncomfortable for him to be entirely without funds other than what someone else gave him. Being alone, without coin, and without Athan…

It was going to hurt.

But it wasn’t going to hurt nearly as much as he’d hurt Larkin.

“Go,” he said after a moment. “Before I make an unseemly display of affection in public.”

Athan stood up, smiling—and leaned over to grip Elric’s chin and kiss him soundly.

“I’ll make the unseemly displays for us.” Athan gave Elric one more kiss before taking his bag and heading toward the door. “I’ll be back soon! Behave yourself!”

His heart ached already, but he smiled at Athan and watched him go.

Safe travels, Athan. I love you.

He didn’t say the words.

He didn’t have to.

Athan knew.

* * *

Dear Larkin,

I hope you and your dragon are doing well. You probably don’t believe that, and I don’t fault you for it.

I’ve heard some tales from Kithage. Congratulations on your wedding. I’ve been told it was a grand event.

I can’t say I would have liked to attend it. But I do wish I were a brother you could have invited.

I wish I had been the brother you thought I was.

I’m sorry I wasn’t him.

I’m sorry I belittled you.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry I never trusted you.

I’m sorry I betrayed you.

There is nothing I can say that will ever be an adequate apology. There are no words I can say that will undo the horror I unleashed upon you. I could give you the reasons for why I did what I did. I could attempt to blame the shade and its dark promises.

But none of them change what I did. None of them change who I was, who I am.

You deserve all the happiness in the world, brother. You deserve to be loved and cherished. I hope the dragon is giving you that. I hope he lifts you up and treasures you. You’ve always been soft-hearted and kind. I thought you were weak.

You aren’t weak, Larkin. You’re strong. You have the strength to trust people and to believe in them, something I lost years ago when our father died. In my grief and loneliness, I shut myself off. I told myself I was better off not caring.

I cannot tell you how to feel about me. If you continue to hate me, that is your right. You should continue to hate me, after all I’ve done to you. I only wish for you to know that I do regret it. I may never be able to make amends with you, but I’m going to attempt to better the world around me. I’ll help others, in the way I should have helped you.

Should you ever wish to meet with me, you may send word by way of the phoenix Athan. I’ve been told that your dragon should be able to find him. If your dragon wishes to eat me, I understand, although I ask that he please not involve Athan in his disputes. Athan has suffered enough simply by being near me.

I hope you and Kithage continue to thrive.

I hope, someday, I’ll be as strong as you’ve always been.

Your brother,

Elric

P.S. Father and Mother would be proud of you.