chapter 31

I 'm a thirty-five-year-old woman and I'm scared of a door . Butterflies filled my stomach as I stared at the threshold to that bathroom. No. Not butterflies. Wolverines. Slashing and ripping at my insides as I attempted to find the courage to step through.

My gaze cut down to the mask in my hand. The one I wore when I walked through it to get here in the first place.

I figured that maybe the reason it hadn't worked before was because of my clothing. But if that were the case, it'd never work. I didn't have my beautiful Michael Kors shoes anymore.

Maybe it was simpler than that. Just the mask. It was why this world existed, right? Or whatever it was. The power of the mask.

Oh my god. That is so stupid.

If it was stupid, then why was I hesitating to put the thing on and step through?

I exhaled nervously as I turned it over and gripped the elastic.

I'm going to throw up.

"Are you ready?" Christine asked.

I nearly jumped out of my skin at her voice. I thought I was still alone.

And then suddenly I was relieved that she found me.

"Why do you have that?" she asked.

I shook my head and shoved it into my bag. "No reason. Yes, I'm ready."

We were meeting with Antoinette for lunch. It had been a minute since I'd seen her. With Christine coming along, I could finally thank her for everything she'd done for me.

"What an absolutely beautiful day," Christine said as the carriage bounced away.

It was beautiful actually. There has been nothing but beauty in my life for the past month. Even with the downs.

It'd been two days since the Masq . Since Erique had come to me, something had shifted between us into something a little deeper, a little more profound.

Yesterday we laid around all day. Writing on and off. Snuggling. Other things.

This sunny day made me wish he was with me. Which always led to other thoughts, like could I ever get him this far?

I could be crazy, and probably was. He's such a complicated, emotional man. I shouldn't think about things like that. A future wasn't possible. I was still obligated to get home.

I mean if I never got home... Even then, it was complicated. Just like him.

Last night, as I watched him sleep, I wished my phone had been charged. I wanted a photo of him. And I missed seeing the faces of the people at home.

And God what I wouldn't give to hear some Evanescence or Ghost. Fuck, I'd even take Justin Bieber.

Ok, no, I wouldn't take Bieber. But that's how much I missed my music.

"I really appreciate you coming with me today. I've been wanting to do this for a while, but we both seem to be really busy these days," I said, scratching my neck. Guilty as charged.

"I know. It's wonderful, isn't it?" she said. "And of course. I am very excited to meet the woman that saved you. I just don't understand why Erique hasn't translated for you?"

I would have loved to have him come with me. But after learning of her fears about him, I didn't try to push it. Ever.

"Yeah, about that," I said, with hesitation in my voice. "Please don't mention him."

Christine's brows wormed together in confusion.

"It's just that Antoinette doesn't like him much. And I don't want to upset her. I want this to be a good meeting."

"How can it be bad? I've seen how he loves you. And you've said nothing to give doubt of that," she said. "She should know you have found happiness."

"I know. She knew him from a long time ago, and it didn't go as one would hope. Just please don't say anything."

Just more deceiving on Erique's behalf. The only thing I felt bad about anymore.

She sighed in defeat. "Promise. But I think you should tell her how happy you are."

"Maybe one day. I'd like that." Or not at all if I was gone. Then I wouldn't have to see the disappointment on her face.

We arrived at the café on time where a very cheery Antoinette stood outside to greet us.

Not long after introductions were made, we were seated inside. Before I knew it, Christine and Antoinette were lost in conversation about her career and Raoul.

I learned things about Antoinette I never knew. When she was younger, before she met Louis, she was a ballet dancer and worked many of the operas. One of the best times in her life, she said.

"I owe you the biggest whatever you want for this," I said to Christine.

"Yes, you do," she said. "She's lovely though. So, thank you for bringing me."

My rabbit and puréed veggies were amazing. Not surprising. It was wonderful to be able to eat food that didn't make you sick immediately. The one thing I did like about this time and place.

Erique had introduced me to different foods just as much as Antoinette. He loved to make sure I was fed. The best part was that I hadn't gained weight from all of the eating. Especially when Erique was in charge of it.

We'd cooked together a few times. The kitchens were kind of weird. Every room had a door, very claustrophobic. He said that would be his next update for me. An open kitchen.

Maybe I could get something on the way home to cook for dinner.

Ew. What am I thinking? Bleh. No.

"Composer and Architect?" Antoinette said. "That is very nice for a nobleman."

My attention left the delicious plate of food and my uncomfortable thoughts, and went to the face that spoke the words that just stopped my heart.

"What? What are you guys talking about?" I asked as my voice squeaked.

"Does she think ‘you know who' is Philippe?" Christine whispered.

I sighed and closed my eyes. "Maybe. I've avoided the topic of my dating life. She doesn't know what you do, remember."

"What do you want me to say? I accidently answered her already."

It was wishful thinking that it wouldn't come up. All wasn't lost just yet though. "It's ok. Just don't answer any more about him. Talk about something else. Like your grandma or something."

"Oh, of course. Alright. But she wants to know if you're happy and if he has a nice…" Christine's face reddened, and her eyes widened. "A nice… um."

My eyes mirrored hers at the realization of what she wanted to know.

Antoinette would ask something like that especially right after I told Christine not to answer anything. I felt so bad for Christine now.

"Oh my God. Uh…" I stumbled.

Antoinette sat smugly, staring. Her brows suggesting I answer because she was in dire need of knowing.

I had actually never seen Erique's dick come to think of it. I've felt it a few times through his pants, which made me shudder like no other. Once inside his pants when he was a bit more sloshed than usual and let me, until he didn't. Such a tease.

I'm a terrible person, I know.

"He makes me feel like I'm the only person in the universe that matters. Supports my decisions. Talks through our problems. Which, what man does that? Or at least comes back to talk about them after one of us stormed out. He's a beautiful soul that makes me feel whole and loved. Forces me out of my comfort zone. He believes in me. Especially when I don't. So yeah. I'm happy. And also, he makes my toes curl and stars burst in my eyes like no man has ever even cared to try."

Like a terrified Chihuahua, Christine relayed my answer.

It was nice to finally get to say something about him. All the good stuff. I smiled a bit bashfully.

"Ah! Yes!" Antoinette sighed. "He is a good man and a magic man."

I laughed until I sighed again at the irony. "Yeah. He's pretty great."

"It has been too long, dear," my older friend said, squeezing my hand. "Thank you."

My cheeks burned and I smiled. This was already getting harder than I thought it'd be.

"I'm sorry. I have been so occupied lately," with the man you hate. "I hope to see you more soon."

Antoinette smiled sweetly, squeezing tighter. "If you are going somewhere with that handsome young man, I completely understand," Christine translated.

I hated lying to her. At least it felt like a lie. I just wished I could tell her everything and she'd be ok with it. But I knew, just like everyone else, he was what he was in their eyes.

I swallowed hard and changed the subject quickly, hoping we wouldn't end up back on the topic.

"I wanted to bring my friend today to tell you something actually," I said.

Antoinette's features softened as she looked back and forth between Christine and I, waiting on whatever it was I wanted to say.

Even though I knew Erique had a hand in her finding me, it didn't change what she did for me. In some way, it made it more important because she helped someone at the word of a man she feared.

It wasn't long into my poorly executed gratitude that the old woman was crying and telling me that I reminded her of the daughter she wished she had. That my friendship with her made her feel useful again and cared for.

Her own declaration made me tear up, especially thinking of my own mother and how I missed the times she was like this.

Antoinette moved closer, resting her fragile hand on mine. Christine continued to translate for her. "It may have been darkness that brought you here, but you are full of light. I see nothing but love in you. You were worth saving and I would do it again. Even if you did smell terrible."

We wiped our tears and laughed the moment away, though it still lingered.

"Yes. You smelled like the bins we found you behind," Christine translated.

"It was so bad. I know," I said.

" J'espère que you ne sentez pas comme ?a avec ce jeune homme? " Antoinette said, laughing.

I glanced at Christine who was also laughing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry. I'm trying to imagine you in trash," she said.

"Oh yeah, I may have forgotten to mention that part. Not my favorite moment of the night." Amongst many others.

"Anyway, she said she hopes you don't smell like that for Erique," Christine said, then covered her mouth as quickly as she said it. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"Erique?" His name on Antoinette's lips was sharp.

My heart stopped immediately when my gaze cut to Antoinette who was staring as if she'd seen the devil in a black cloak himself.

"Erique?" Antoinette said again. Her voice was more guttural this time.

My mouth fell open, trying to find the words to rectify whatever was happening, but I found nothing.

Antoinette began spewing words so fast, her eyes full of worry and terror.

"What is she saying?" I begged Christine.

"She's speaking so fast, I almost can't understand. You've seen him? She says he's dangerous. She told you to come back. And keeps saying dangerous over and over… I'm sorry, she's not making much sense."

Shit shit shit shit shit shit.

I grabbed Antoinette's hands, trying to calm her. "Will you translate for me again?" I asked Christine.

"Yes, not to worry," Christine answered.

"It's ok. It's ok," I said, trying to keep my voice calm. I didn't know if it was for her or me, but the anxiety was running high all around. "He's not what you think. You heard me speak of him already."

"He is the demon," she said, with warning in her eyes. Every word she spoke, she believed.

I shook my head and scrunched my brows, frustrated. "His heart is so kind. He has the gentlest hands. He cares so much for me. It's a little overwhelming sometimes. But there is nothing I would trade for it. He is not the same as you knew him. Or maybe he is. But not bad."

I listened to my own words. The truth in them surprising even me.

Antoinette didn't seem any more convinced. In fact, at the mention of his touch, she almost flew off her seat.

"Even the devil is kind until he's not," Christine translated.

"Are you…" Antoinette looks at my stomach. Fear like I'd never seen before flashed in her eyes. " Es-tu enceinte? "

"She wants to know if you're pregnant," Christine said. "Are you?"

"Oh! No. He hasn't. We haven't. No. And it's impossible." Not just because he hasn't had his cock in me.

"You said he makes you shake!" Christine translated.

"Yes. But he… he uses... It doesn't matter. I can't be pregnant."

Relief replaced fear quickly in my older friend's face. Like that would have somehow been the worst thing to happen. I mean yeah, she was right. I never wanted kids. But damn.

"Christine, can you leave us alone for a few minutes?" I asked.

"I'll go to the powder room," she said, and left us.

I waited until she was out of earshot before finally trying to speak to Antoinette. There were things I couldn't have Christine hear and hope Antoinette understood.

I sighed, gently taking her arms in my hands.

"He is bad, papillon ," she said. Antoinette's hands cupped my face. She was terrified for me. It was written all over.

"I know everything about how you found him. The fire? How you helped him." Her eyes watered, I knew she understood perfectly well. "I know about what he did afterward. And some other things."

"You cannot be safe," she said.

"I trust him. I do. I trust him so much."

"You come back? He stay away."

"He won't. And I don't want him to…" I said. I didn't want him to ever leave me. What was I going to do now?

There was more silence than I cared for. I didn't think either of us knew what to say after that. What could you say? Even without a language barrier.

I was in love with a man everyone deemed dangerous. And he was. And I'm the stupid ass that was ok with it.

Antoinette eventually sighed and squeezed my hand again. " Sweet girl. May God watch over you. "

***

The ride home was quiet. Christine didn't say anything. Neither of us did. I understood where Antoinette was coming from. Erique was who he was. We'd been in such a state of bliss basically, that I kept forgetting that.

I didn't know what else to do.

The fucker had done nothing but earn my trust. My body. My fucking heart.

It seemed everyone was against him. That he wasn't worthy of growth and a second chance.

He wasn't the same person anymore. Right? Or was I just too blinded by orgasms, and loving words, and writing, and singing, and all the stuff to really see that he hadn't changed, only simmered down?

I wondered how long it would take Antoinette before she would see me again. The disappointment and terror in her eyes even as she left us was still etched into my memory.

I hoped Erique was home. I really needed a hug.