Chapter 31 - Victoria

Victoria

L ate Wednesday afternoon, I sat in my office, exhausted in all ways possible.

Life has been hazy since returning from London. If sleepwalking through my existence was a professional sport, I’d be the best in the world at this point. I don’t know how I made it through the home opener, let alone Seattle. My body operated on autopilot.

It had to.

Waking up each day missing Xavier poked fresh needles of pain in my chest. If I let it consume me, I’d never get anything done.

“Victoria.” Hannah’s stern tone sliced through my reverie. “Don’t forget we have our weekly presser with Coach at nine tomorrow morning. And then Noah is scheduled to appear on Jake Kellerman’s nationally televised radio program at ten-thirty.”

“Got it.” I glanced at my calendar. “Is that collaboration with the Knights still happening? The social media thing with the players?”

“Yeah. Tre and Jax are taking center stage on that with Tyler and Matt.”

I laughed. “Kaylee will have her hands full.”

Hannah’s half-hearted smile gave me pause. She hasn’t been herself in weeks. Not that I’ve been much of a shoulder for her to lean on. She looked as miserable as I felt.

“I have a meeting in ten minutes,” I said, “but when I’m done, you and I need to plan a spa day.”

Questioning brown eyes studied me. I leaned forward, resting my chin in my hand.

“Massages. Cucumber water. Fluffy robes. How can you resist?”

“Tempting.”

“Think about it. I’ll stop by your office before I leave.”

Hannah rose to her feet like a queen and walked out not saying a word. I flopped back in my chair, exhaling until my lungs completely emptied. Thick silence saturated my office. I’d closed my eyes for not even a second when the phone rang.

“This is Victoria,” I answered.

“Hello, sweetheart. Did I catch you at a bad time?”

My eyes flew open.

“Dad. No. I was just…no, it’s not a bad time at all.”

His soft chuckle and light British accent soothed some of my tense nerves.

“I’m in Manhattan this week. You sounded pretty adamant in your text that you wanted to know the next time I’d be here. So, here I am. I’d like to see you. Sooner, rather than later.”

The last time my father was in town, he handed over the keys to Briarcliff Cottage. I could only imagine what this visit will bring.

“I’m free tomorrow, if that works for you.” I typed his name into my calendar. “I actually have a few things to talk to you about.”

“Sounds serious. Is it?”

My head spun recalling everything Jordan told me.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’ll find out when I see you.”

After ending the call with my dad, I paced around my office just to shake off the nerves. The last thing I wanted was to appear out of sorts for my meeting. I’d only managed to do a few laps when my phone rang. I told the receptionist I’d be there in a minute.

Smoothing down my skirt, I inhaled slow, letting out a calming breath. This meeting was probably the least stressful part of my day. The closer I got to the main reception area, the better I felt.

A well-dressed brunette stood by one of the display cases, staring at the trophies.

“Shiny, aren’t they?” I asked, approaching her.

She turned, her arms hugging her body just as tight as the black wrap dress she wore. Dark brown eyes examined my cheerful smile. At least, I hoped it was cheerful.

“They are. I’m sure my little brother appreciates seeing them every day.” Noticeable sarcasm tinged her words.

My laughter was hard to stifle. “I’m Victoria,” I said, extending my hand. “You must be Chelsea.”

A genuine smile erupted across her face when she shook it. “Thank you so much for agreeing to see me. I know this was last minute.”

We did the small talk thing on the way to my office. I offered her some water before sitting at my desk.

“So, what can I help you with?”

Chelsea glanced around at my display cases and shelves, her pretty face set in an expression of indifference. “I know Dante said I was looking for something in the sports world but to be honest, I don’t want that.”

“No problem. I have connections just about everywhere if—”

“Actually,” she interrupted, “do you know anyone in the non-profit sector? The one thing I enjoy at the club is planning the charity appearances. I want to focus on work that has meaning. No offense to what you do.”

“None taken.”

I tapped my nails on the desk. Now that Killian started his new job, he hasn’t been able to put much time into the foundation.

“I hope this doesn’t sound too forward, but I just formed a non-profit and need a permanent foundation director.”

Her eyes widened with hopeful optimism. “That’s a big role to fill.”

I smiled. “It sounds more intimidating than it is. I’m looking for someone to handle the marketing strategies and collaborative program development.” I opened one of my desk drawers and pulled out an information packet. “Read through this. It explains pretty much everything.”

“You don’t need an answer right away, do you?” she asked, flipping through the packet. “I’m still under contract with Holwood FC and have to finish out the season.”

“No. It’s not officially launching until next spring. Take it home. Read it at your leisure.”

Her expression softened while she read one of the sections. “This is all for your sister?” She sucked in a breath when she looked at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t. This is my default reaction whenever I talk about her.”

Glossy red lips curved into a warm smile. “I get a good vibe from you. You’re not like the public relations guy at the club. He’s so phony. I swear he’s made of plastic.”

I covered my mouth and tried not to giggle. “Some can be.”

“That’s probably why I need to get away from footballers. All those egos.” She crossed her legs and leaned on an elbow. “Don’t get me started on the guys in the Premier League. They’re a special breed.”

For the second time in as many minutes, I couldn’t hold back my laughter. “I have a feeling we’d spend all night swapping stories about egomaniac athletes.”

“Not Dante, though. He’s a humble little angel.” Her facetious grin and dramatic eye roll cemented my growing admiration.

We chatted for a few more minutes before ending the meeting. Since Chelsea lives in London, we agreed to get together again next month when the Legends play their international game. We exchanged numbers and planned to stay in touch until then.

My heart sped up thinking about returning to London. I glanced at the time. Xavier should be finished training for the day. We haven’t texted much since the weekend. Apparently this game against the Netherlands was a pretty big one. According to all the online chatter, England should qualify for next summer’s tournament with a win or draw.

Me: How’s training?

Mildly Hot: Better than last time

Me: Are you busy?

Mildly Hot: Just relaxing. Still at work?

Me: Yeah. Just wrapped up my final meeting of the day

Mildly Hot: Have a few minutes to talk?

The phone vibrated in my hand before I could type a reply.

“Someone’s impatient,” I answered, staring at his handsome face. “Hi.”

“Don’t think I’ve actually ever seen you at work.” Sapphire eyes scanned the shelves behind me. “Fancy office.”

“Pfft. It’s not.”

An awkward cloud of silence settled over us. We stared at one another, wordless. Aside from social media posts, I haven’t looked at him since I left London. All of our communication has been via text.

His brows furrowed. A hint of frustration passed through his features.

The longer we stayed quiet, the more my anxiety ramped up. I wish I had the right words to convey what I’d been feeling since he unlocked part of his past.

I did have the right words. The problem? I’d spent so many years convincing myself I didn’t deserve the type of affection Xavier provided that I became used to shoving down what I truly felt. Leaving him hovering in a cloud of uncertainty didn’t sit right with me.

I longed for things to be normal between him and I, whatever that is.

I know what it’s not.

It’s not sitting here agonizing over what to say to the man I love. It’s not worrying if I broke him in some way when I left after he shared the most vulnerable parts of himself. It’s not tossing and turning at night wondering if every word that came out of Jordan’s mouth was true.

“Have you been able to go out and see Birmingham at all?” What the hell kind of question is that?

“I’ve been here quite a bit. Pretty much seen it.”

I fidgeted with my necklace. This sucked. Especially since I was the one who suggested we find time for a video chat this week.

Good job, Chase. Way to make this even more uncomfortable than it’s already been.

“So, um, what time is the game on Saturday?”

And the hits just keep on coming.

Uneasiness hissed through me, like a fire desperate to ignite. I couldn’t drag enough oxygen into my lungs. All the cells in my body trembled. Why is this so hard ?

“Seven,” he responded, his tone flat. “Two your time.”

The screw tightened deep in my chest. Invisible waves of needles rolled beneath my skin. I inhaled slow, annoyed with myself. We’d slipped into this unfeeling, disconnected way of speaking so easily it tore me up.

“Christ,” Xavier muttered. “I can’t do the small talk thing with you anymore. It— fuck .”

A lump of emotion clogged my throat, threatening to suffocate me.

“I can’t either.” The words fought their way out. “I miss how we were before.”

“ Before ?” His strained repetition chilled me to the bone. “I see.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “That’s not what I meant.” When I looked at him, his sultry mouth twisted into a frown. “I know I’ve been a little distant lately. It’s like a…I guess you could call it self preservation.”

The frown deepened, draining the light from his eyes. “What aren’t you saying, Tori?”

Struggling to say anything to him in this moment wrecked me. My entire professional career revolves around communication. Stay on message. Be direct. Shape public perception. But when it comes to Xavier, the more I surrender to my feelings for him, the more I falter.

Nothing will ever be broken between us.

“I just…” My lip trembled. A solitary tear rolled down my cheek. “I wish you were here.”

Some of the tension in his shoulders melted. “Me too, love.” He touched his neck, just below his left ear. A hard swallow expanded and contracted in his throat. “Cade says hello.”

A small smile tugged at my mouth. “Tell my favorite striker I miss him.”

“Do you have any big plans this week?”

“I’m having dinner with my dad tomorrow.”

Much to my surprise, curiosity and warmth pushed through the apprehension.

“You must be excited to see him.”

“I’m nervous. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other this much in years. It’s weird. And I have to bring up the whole… thing .”

Our silent stare completed what I left unsaid.

“Want me to be there with you?”

My heart nearly stopped. “You have a game. You can’t—”

“Tori.” His low timbre vibrated through me. “I meant a video call. Although I’m more than willing to fly there right now if you asked.”

I’m not a selfish person, but the temptation to have him abandon his responsibilities with England’s national team and fly here for me was powerful.

“What is it you soccer players say? For club and country? Your team needs you. Besides, I saw the pictures you posted on social media. Playing for your childhood hero looks good on you.”

A pleasant grin slanted his mouth. “You remembered.”

“You still have to introduce him to me.”

“Come to the match and I will.”

“I’d be there in a heartbeat if I could.”

“I know, love.” Xavier cast his eyes down. “I mean it. I’ll fly to you if you want. All this distance is killing me.”

We both know he didn’t mean only the physical distance. Our emotional connection was frayed.

“Me too. Let’s make an effort to talk again. Like this. No more generic check ins.”

When Xavier looked at me, my stomach fell. His guard was up. All the progress we’ve made in our relationship teetered on the edge of a cliff.

“Have you been doing okay after what happened with Jordan?”

Neither one of us has broached this topic head on since the night at his townhouse. A phantom hand burned around my neck.

“I’ve had a few restless nights. I try not to think about it. Have you been doing alright?”

Another round of poisonous rage crept into his eyes. “I still don’t know where he is. As soon as I find out, I’m putting an end to this.”

“Please don’t do anything impulsive.” The words felt hollow coming out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop him any more than I could stop an out of control freight train.

“It won’t be impulsive, trust me.” Malice weaved through his tone. “He’ll be sorry he ever put his hands on you.”

“Premeditated isn’t any better,” I snapped. “I love you for wanting to defend me but I can’t handle the thought of you getting hurt or losing your career over this.”

Xavier’s shoulders stiffened. He stroked his neck again and nodded. Part of me sensed he only backed down out of respect for my feelings but the look in his eyes said otherwise. Walls of tension pressed closer and closer around me.

A knot formed in my throat. My chest hurt, my lungs hurt, my heart hurt. Everything fucking hurt.

“I wish there was a way to stop him that didn’t involve you beating the crap out of him at every turn. You can’t keep doing that, Xavier. I will not lose someone else I love to that piece of shit.”

The room went silent except for the low hum of my computer. Distant voices echoed in the hallway. This didn’t feel like my office anymore.

It was an airtight prison.

One I needed to leave sooner rather than later.

The expression on Xavier’s face oscillated between doubt and determination.

“Talk to me,” I pleaded, my voice barely rising above a whisper. “Don’t shut me out.”

“I’m not shutting you out. I’m—” He exhaled, running a hand through his hair. “There’s just so much to say.”

“Then tell me something easy.” My voice softened. “Tell me something about yourself. Something I wouldn’t learn in news articles or player bios.”

He remained quiet for a minute before he spoke.

“I didn’t tell you all of it.” His voice held an uncharacteristic tremble. “About what happened with my father.”

The phone nearly slipped from my hand.

“I left out what I overheard him say to Rebecca one night. They thought I was up in my room but I’d gone downstairs for a drink. I heard voices in the living room. My dad sounded upset.”

A quiet knock sounded on my office door. Hannah poked her head inside, saw my face, and abruptly left. Xavier was lost in his own memories and didn’t notice the interruption.

“He was talking about me and Adam and how happy he was that I had someone to grow up with. Then he said…having me as a son was his greatest joy and the worst thing to ever happen to him.” A bitter smile touched his lips. “Imagine saying that about your own child. Imagine feeling that way. I was only eleven when I heard him say it but I was old enough to understand what he meant.”

“But he didn’t—”

“I know. When I got older, I was able to fully comprehend the underlying pain he felt over my mother’s death. But at the time, I was just a kid.” He scowled. “It scarred me. I was angry . I felt inadequate. Like I told you, I channeled the unresolved hurt and took it out on Adam. I let it fuel me to succeed at football. All I wanted was to be noticed. I wanted to feel wanted . Football gave that to me. Cade and Bennet gave that to me. Indulging in all the temptations that came along with being a famous athlete gave that to me.” His eyes flashed. “I vowed to never let anyone make me feel inadequate again. Not even Jordan.”

Hearing that name punched a hole through my heart.

“When he finds out a person’s weakness, he doesn’t stop. Add jealousy to the mix, and he becomes a monster. He hated that I was better at football than he was. He despised that all the girls were drawn to me and not him. He would tell me I was nothing every chance he could. When I signed with the club and became one of the darlings of the league, it set off a new round of animosity. He was especially vicious when Millie and I started dating. I never understood it. I never will. The night he deliberately brought her into that room to see what Cade and I were doing…it…I hurt the person who, at the time, didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t enough.”

He paused for a quick breath.

“And now he’s hurt you. You .” A myriad of emotions ravaged his face. “You are everything to me. You see me. You see my struggles and you still…you still love me. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. I will not let him ruin that. The only thing stopping me from killing him is the fact that I don’t know where the fuck he is.”

I sat in stunned silence. Too many questions littered my mind while unshed tears filled my eyes. I didn’t have to ask him if he’s ever told anyone this before. He hasn’t. The man just broke apart into a million pieces in front of me, and I couldn’t do anything other than stare at him through my stupid phone thousands of miles away.

“Xavier, I…”

“Not exactly something easy, was it?” His voice caught. “This wasn’t how I wanted to tell you. This wasn’t even when I wanted to tell you.” Xavier’s eyes flickered with emotion. “I balance on the edge of a sword every fucking day in order to keep up appearances. You shouldn’t be dragged into this.”

The quiet thickened with dread and confusion. I couldn’t form a complete thought, let alone open my mouth to say something.

Xavier’s expression stilled, almost as though he was preparing himself for the worst.

“Sorry I ended your work day on such a heavy topic. Get home safe. We’ll speak later.”

The screen went dark.