Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

ANNE

R ain pattered on the window in my bedchamber. I watched the droplets trickle down and drip to the ground below. I rested my elbow on the windowsill, my chin in my hand. After the game that morning, my mood had been somber, so hiding in my room had seemed the best way to spend my free hours of the afternoon. There were very few people I had ever told the story of how my marriage to the baron had come about. It wasn’t a subject I enjoyed dwelling on. A dull ache remained in my heart despite the hours I had spent trying to remedy it.

The guests had correctly chosen the true story. That meant that not only would I have to pay a forfeit that evening, but they all were able to see the truth about my past. I felt vulnerable, and that wasn’t a feeling I ever enjoyed.

I stared at the rain, counting the droplets on the other side of the glass. It didn’t seem to be a heavy rain. My restless legs twitched beneath my skirts. The unrest inside me needed to be expelled somehow, and a walk through the rain seemed to be the perfect thing. Before I could change my mind, I tied my bonnet and hurried down the stairs. I heard voices in the drawing room, so I sneaked past the doorway before making my way down the corridor and out into the courtyard.

The cobblestones were flooded with small puddles. I kept my gaze on the ground to avoid the largest ones. My bonnet protected my face from the rain, but the light droplets were refreshing against my arms and the back of my neck. I breathed in the earthy, fresh air, already feeling the slightest bit stronger than I had a few moments before—more capable of controlling my emotions. What had happened with the baron was a thing of the past. I had buried it long ago. Today, it had been unearthed, yet that wasn’t what bothered me the most.

Alexander’s face was burned into my mind. His gentle touch on my hand. The warm comfort that had flooded my soul at the gesture was difficult to understand, but it lingered with me. I didn’t want it to. I wanted my feelings of closeness to Alexander to go away, right alongside the painful feelings that were associated with the baron. I wanted all of it gone . It was all far too unwelcome.

I headed toward the grass. I kept my head low, watching for mud and puddles. As I rounded the corner of the house, a deep voice startled me.

“Anne?”

I jerked my gaze upward, jumping back a pace. Alexander stood a few feet in front of me, hands outstretched as if he had expected me to collide with him. His hair was damp from the rain, his shirtsleeves covered in small, wet dots. “I saw you from the window. I came to see if you were all right.”

I drew a deep breath, though my heart was already skittering. It was in search of a hiding place, but there were none. I looked down at the grass again, forcing a smile to my face. “Oh, yes, I’m well. I thought the rain looked inviting so I thought I might take a walk in it.”

“May I join you?” Alexander’s voice sent a spiral of nervousness through my stomach.

“Of course.” I glanced up at him as he offered his arm. We walked in silence for a long moment, our feet soundless across the sodden grass.

“The others wondered where you had gone…and why we were apart,” Alexander said.

“And you came outside to appease their concerns,” I stated with a nod.

He stopped walking, turning to face me. “I came outside because I was concerned about you.”

I swallowed, fiddling with the end of my bonnet ribbon. “There is no cause for concern.” I smiled, but he remained serious. I took a few paces away, but he caught up to me.

“Lady Tottenham should not have forced you to publicly speak on the subject of your late husband. She should have seen how that might trouble you.”

My lungs were tight. I released a sharp breath. “Truly—I’m not troubled. I married him, and that is in the past. He is gone now.”

Alexander’s brow furrowed. “You married him to protect your sister.” His eyes met mine. “That was the true story, was it not?”

I gave a nod so small I wasn’t certain he even caught it.

He walked beside me, but I kept my hands clasped together.

“I’ve never known anyone to make such a selfless sacrifice,” he said.

“I’m glad I did it. I wouldn’t have been able to bear seeing Henrietta married to such a horrible man.” I clamped my mouth shut.

Alexander’s eyes flashed with anger. “Was he a horrible husband? Did he treat you poorly?”

My stomach lurched with dread. “I knew he wasn’t a good man from the day he tried to take advantage of Henrietta, and then of me. I was only married to him for half a year before he died, but during that time he treated me in a manner that gave me no cause to mourn him or to have the slightest sense of regret over his departure from my life.” My breath shook on the way out. “His head was injured after a fall from his horse. He died a few days later.”

Alexander walked in front of me, turning to face me completely. “You never should have had to endure that marriage.” His eyes darkened with anger. His features were somber, his mouth a firm line, and he asked the question I dreaded most. “When you were faced with the obligation to marry the baron, where was Miles?”

I didn’t want to tell him the rest of the story. I had never told anyone how I had written to Miles to explain the situation, and how desperately I had hoped he would come to my rescue and propose to me instead. The thought must not have crossed his mind. Miles had been hurt by the news, dissuaded from coming back to London. It was my fault for not breaking the rules of propriety just that once. I could have asked him if he would save me. I could have declared my feelings first.

The rain fell faster around us, the droplets growing in size and speed. Alexander’s shirt was soaked through on the shoulders, his hair sending droplets down his forehead.

I closed my eyes. “Miles—he wasn’t in London. There was nothing he could have done.”

Alexander scowled. “He could have come back and married you himself.”

A stab of pain struck my chest, and I scrambled to defend him. “He didn’t understand the situation. I didn’t explain it well enough. I hurt him. Miles and I had discussed our future together many times. I expected him to propose when he came back to London. I—I think he was under the impression that I chose to marry the baron because of his title or money.”

Alexander pushed his wet hair off his forehead, his jaw tight. “And Miles would never be as mercenary as that.” His sardonic tone struck a chord of frustration in me.

I glared at him. “No, he wouldn’t. It isn’t in his nature.”

“What do you know of his nature? You only know what he wants you to know. He hides the rest, and he hides it well.” The bitterness in his voice shocked me. “I grew up in the same household as Miles. I would argue that I have a firmer grasp on his character than you claim to.”

My fists tightened at my sides. My neck grew hot, tingling across my ears. The rain did little to cool it. “I only know the kindness he showed me. I refuse to form a new opinion of him based on yours. Brothers often do not see eye to eye.”

Alexander pinched the bridge of his nose. “I tried to keep my opinion to myself before, but I see now I have no other choice but to share it.” He met my gaze. The intensity in his eyes was unnerving. “He is a liar, a cheat, and he cares for no one but himself. Miles will hurt you, Anne. He will hurt you all over again, and I don’t want to see that.”

My anger seethed within me, but was stopped suddenly by a wave of pain so strong I nearly fell to the ground. “Why must you try to turn me against him?” My voice burst out. I shivered, my wet gown sticking to my skin. My conflicting feelings toward Alexander had been troubling enough, but now his words against Miles were growing more believable. I wanted to push them away. I didn’t want to listen.

A lump formed in my throat, and my words fell to a quiet whisper. “He’s all I have.” I wiped harshly against my cheek as a tear fell. “Miles was my friend for years when I had no one else. He showed me kindness when I felt all alone. I have spent my entire life doing things for other people, but I have come to London for myself . For my future. For my happiness.” Determination surged in my chest, and I took one step closer to Alexander. My anger pulsed strong within me, and my voice grew in strength. “ I was the one who ruined the chance Miles and I had to be together, and I plan to seize my second chance when it comes. There is nothing you can do to stop me. Seeing your behavior now, I have no doubt that any animosity you claim that Miles has shown you was provoked and well-deserved.”

My words hung between us, and the air fell silent. Alexander looked down at the ground, scuffing the sole of his boot against the wet grass. After a long moment, he looked up. Regret tore through my chest at the pain in his eyes—the shattered pieces of his pride. I had been too harsh. Guilt flooded my chest, and I nearly apologized, but my throat was too tight. My skin thrummed with emotion, a mixture that was too volatile to trust or understand. All signs of anger had vanished from Alexander’s face, but the passion remained. His forehead creased, his chest rising and falling in one heavy breath. “It was never my intention to stand in the way of your happiness,” he said in a hoarse voice. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry that I have hindered it so greatly.”

That’s wrong. My heart reared up against his words, sensing the mistruth in them. Alexander was my friend. He had contributed to my happiness over the past fortnight. I wanted to protest, but I couldn’t find the words. Why couldn’t I tell him that I was sorry, and that I still needed him to be my friend? My heart pounded with dread. Had I just pushed him away? I glanced at his lips, unsmiling, serious.

I needed his teasing smile back.

I realized how long I had been staring at his mouth, so I quickly snapped my gaze away. A wave of unexpected longing crashed through my stomach when I caught his gaze on my lips. His eyes met mine. There was something intangible wedged between us. A barrier of some sort. Whatever it was, it needed to stay there.

“The rain has gotten worse,” he said in a curt voice. “You should go back inside.”

“Alexander—” My voice cut off as he started walking ahead of me, leaving the house, and me, in the distance. My heart stung. I pressed my hand against the side of Birch House, the rough stone snagging on my gloves. Where was he going?

I watched his back until his disappeared around the front of the house. Perhaps he was taking a different entrance, or perhaps he wanted to stay out in the rain. It was suitable weather for the storm of emotions we had both just displayed. My heart pounded fast, and I cursed myself for being so harsh. Whether I liked to admit it or not, Miles had hurt Alexander somehow. Miles wasn’t perfect, I knew that, but I was afraid to accept that he might have once been unkind, or even cruel toward his brother.

I blinked fast against the tears that burned my eyes. The truth settled into my bones, rooting me to the ground. It was possible. Anyone was capable of having dark, uncharacteristic moments.

Including myself.