Chapter 27

27

LONDON, 1940

Evelina had always known that saying goodbye to her baby was going to devastate her, but she hadn’t anticipated just how heartbreaking it would also be to say hello for the first time. As Hope passed Evelina her daughter, wrapped in a knitted blanket the colour of buttercups, her breath hiccuped in her throat, tears welling as she stared into her baby’s eyes.

She was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen.

‘Evelina, it’s time to meet your daughter,’ Hope said, settling the infant into her arms. ‘It seems your intuition was right about having a girl.’

A little voice in Evelina’s head told her not to take the baby in her arms, to refuse to hold her, to forego the pain that she was destined to feel when they were parted. But another voice, the louder, more dominant one, was the one she listened to as she nestled her daughter against her chest. It was the very same voice that had told her to cross the road and knock on the door of Hope’s House a month earlier, and that had been one of the best decisions she’d ever made.

‘I can’t believe she’s here,’ Evelina whispered, opening the blanket to look at her. She carefully counted her fingers, her own fingertips skimming each one. ‘All these months knowing she was coming, but still…’

‘There are five toes on each foot, too,’ Hope said, her tone telling Evelina she was teasing. ‘She’s absolutely perfect, if you ask me.’

The labour had been every bit as traumatic and painful as Evelina had imagined, but it had happened quickly, and for that she was grateful. Hope had stayed calm and quiet throughout, urging her on when she needed the encouragement, and whispering reassurances to her when she was exhausted and ready to give up. In the end, her daughter had entered the world swiftly, and even though Evelina had been afraid when she hadn’t heard her crying, it appeared she was simply taking the world in.

‘She’s healthy?’ Evelina whispered, still not taking her eyes from her.

‘She is,’ Hope said. ‘She’s a very healthy little lady from what I can see.’

Evelina glanced over at the Moses basket on the other side of the room, and her hold on her baby tightened. She saw that her daughter’s face wrinkled up then, as if sensing her mother’s agitation, and a noise that sounded like a cat meow suddenly filled the room, until Evelina gently rocked her, holding her closer to her body to soothe her.

‘Does she have to go in there?’ she asked.

Hope stroked her hair from her face. ‘The Moses basket is the best place for her, especially when you’re both sleeping, but you can hold her for as long as you like, and we can always move the basket so it’s right beside you. That way you can keep your hand on her all night, if that’s what you want. She will be in here with you the whole time.’

Evelina nodded as fresh tears slid down her cheeks. ‘I want to hold her forever,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t think, I don’t?—’

‘Shhh,’ Hope said, still stroking her face as Evelina stuttered her words. ‘You’ve just given birth, there’s no need to think about that now. I want you to rest, and we can talk about what you’re going to do in a few days’ time, once you’ve had time to think.’

Part of her hadn’t believed that Hope would keep her word, which was unfair as the other woman had done nothing other than show her kindness. And now that her child had made her entrance into the world, Evelina felt a protectiveness inside her that she’d never felt before, an inability to imagine never not having her baby by her side.

‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I just?—’

Evelina looked up at Hope, and it was only then that she saw the tears glistening in her eyes, too.

‘This first moment is very precious, so I’m going to leave the two of you for now. I’ll be back in a little while with coffee and sandwiches so you can regain your strength.’

She wished she’d said something—anything—to comfort Hope or to thank her for what she’d done for her, but instead she held her daughter closer and inhaled the smell of her, studied her perfect little face and tried to commit her button nose and dark eyelashes to memory.

But as she gazed down at her in wonder, she couldn’t help but hear Hope’s muffled cry from the hallway.

‘I think I’ve decided what to put in my little box,’ Evelina said, as her baby lay asleep beside her, the wooden box in her lap as she stared down at it.

‘I’m pleased you decided to do it,’ Hope said, pausing beside her with an armful of washing. ‘Are you going to put your diamond bracelet in there?’

Evelina glanced at her wrist. She hadn’t even thought about leaving that for her daughter. She preferred the idea of leaving mementos that meant something to her and her only, with no link to Antoine.

‘Actually, I would like you to have this,’ Evelina said, immediately taking it off. ‘As my way of paying you for my stay and saying thank you for everything you’ve done for us.’

Hope’s eyebrows drew together, and it took Evelina a moment to realise that she was being frowned at.

‘I meant it when I said I didn’t expect anything from you, Evelina,’ Hope said. ‘You certainly don’t have to pay me, or leave something behind in lieu of payment. It’s been a privilege to have you here.’

‘But I want to,’ Evelina said, placing the piece of jewellery on the low side table. ‘What you’ve done for me, well, I’ll never be able to adequately thank you, and this is my way of ensuring you can open your door to another woman in the future. Please.’

‘I can’t take that, it’s?—’

‘Yours,’ Evelina said. ‘I don’t want it. I can’t even bear to look at it now, not after giving birth, after…’ She took a breath. ‘You’ve taken such good care of me, and it’s the only way I can repay you.’

‘You’re certain? I can tell it’s valuable, and you never know when you might need the money.’

‘I’m certain. It wouldn’t be enough to raise a child on at any rate. It feels like the least I can do for you,’ Evelina said, smiling up at Hope. ‘Now, tell me again what you intend doing with the box. How do you make certain she’ll receive it one day?’

‘The honest truth is that I can’t,’ Hope said. ‘All we can do is hope that her adoptive parents will have the purest of hearts and intentions, and want what’s absolutely best for her. And if for some reason they don’t want to take the box, then I can always put it away for safekeeping, and find a way to give it to her when she’s of age.’

‘You’d go to such lengths to reunite my daughter with this box?’ Evelina asked. ‘Even if the adoptive parents wanted no part of it?’

‘When I give someone my word,’ Hope said, setting down the load of washing in her arms and placing a hand on Evelina’s shoulder, ‘I always mean it. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to help you, Evelina, after what I…’

Evelina sat straighter, listening carefully to Hope’s words as they slowly drifted away. She was so curious about Hope, about how she’d ended up living in this big house on her own, with such an unwavering desire to help unmarried women with their babies.

‘After what?’ Evelina asked gently, still turning the box over in her hands and seeing a pained expression pass over Hope’s face.

‘Nothing,’ Hope said, her smile returning, as if she’d pushed the weight of her past or whatever she’d been about to say firmly behind her. ‘Nothing at all. What we need to focus on is you and this beautiful baby of yours. Right now, there is nothing that matters more.’

‘Do you think her new mother will pretend that she was pregnant herself? I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who has adopted a child, and I keep wondering how it will all work.’

Hope took her hand and squeezed it, keeping hold as she spoke. ‘Evelina, I don’t have all the answers, because everyone is different.’ She slowly let go of her hand, but she held her eye contact. ‘You’re doing this for your daughter, and my job is to find the very best new family for her to join where she will be as loved and cherished as if you were raising her yourself.’

Evelina blinked away fresh tears. She’d shed so many since arriving at Hope’s House, and after giving birth, that she’d almost thought she was out of tears. It seemed she was capable of crying endlessly when it came to her child.

‘But you will give me your word that you’ll try to give this to her?’ she asked. ‘You will try your very best to make sure she receives this one day?’

Hope’s eyes glistened with fresh tears, too, as if she felt every ounce of Evelina’s pain. ‘Yes, I give you my word. A thousand times over. I would never forgive myself if I had this in my possession and it never found its way to your daughter.’

They sat in silence until the baby began to stir, and Evelina rose to pick her up and cuddle her. She held her close to her chest and gently rocked her, pressing a slow kiss to her pink forehead and letting her lips linger against her soft new skin.

‘What will you do, once you leave?’ Hope asked. ‘Will you return to France, after the war?’

Evelina smiled. ‘I will. France is my home.’ But even as she said the words, her heart screamed that home was wherever her child was, that no country or place could ever be as important as her flesh and blood. But if she gave her daughter up for adoption, then how could she ever stay in London when there was nothing left for her?

‘Evelina, I know you’ve already asked yourself this question many times over, but I have to know that you’re quite certain,’ Hope said, her eyes meeting Evelina’s. ‘I also know what it’s like to not be given a choice, which is why it’s even more important to me that you’ve been offered every opportunity to change your mind.’ She paused, and they stared at each other for a long moment. ‘I’m asking you to be completely sure about what you’re about to do.’

Evelina held her breath, knowing the question that was coming and wishing she didn’t have to answer it.

‘Are you certain that you want to put your baby up for adoption?’

‘I’ve been certain of many things in my life,’ Evelina answered, dropping her gaze to her daughter and studying her perfect, rounded little features, ‘but parting with this little darling isn’t one of them.’ She took a deep, shuddering breath. ‘What I do know is that I can’t offer her the life she deserves. I want her to have a mother and a father to dote on her, to bring her up with all the love and care in the world, to make sure she’s not looked down on for only having a mother, to have a home that she can be proud of. I can’t do those things for her, no matter how much I wish I could.’

‘I understand, truly I do.’

‘Have you found a family for her yet?’ Evelina asked, almost not wanting to hear the reply to her question.

Hope shook her head. ‘I haven’t. Not yet.’

‘But you will?’ Evelina asked, hearing the rising panic in her own voice.

‘I will.’

Her daughter stretched and began to whimper, as if she could somehow sense what they were discussing.

‘I think the little one is hungry,’ Hope said, rising and gently patting Evelina’s shoulder. ‘I’ll leave you to it and come back shortly with coffee. I’m going to miss having you to share a hot drink with, even if the coffee is dreadful due to these blasted rations.’

Evelina smiled up at her before repositioning herself so that she could breastfeed, knowing how much she would miss Hope once she left, too. Usually Evelina stared down in wonder at her daughter as she drank her fill, her little fist resting on her chest as she suckled, but this morning she stared at the little box instead, imagining how old her baby would be when she opened it, trying to picture her daughter growing, holding the clues that she was about to place inside for her.

She’d considered leaving the diamond bracelet for her, and she was certain that Hope would understand if she changed her mind, but she knew she wouldn’t. What she was going to leave behind for her had to mean something; it was the truest clue of who her mother was, and if her ambitions were anything to go by, then this was all she would need to find her mother one day, if she ever wanted to.

Evelina looked at the sketch she’d chosen, her eyes roving over the silhouette of the dress. She loved it as much now as she had when she’d designed it, the first dress that had caught Antoine’s attention and properly launched her career, and it was a design she wanted to revisit. After the war, when she returned to Paris, she was going to design again, to pick up her pencil and remind the fashion world of who she was, not to mention prove to herself that she didn’t need Antoine’s validation to succeed. This time, she would do it on her own.

At that moment she felt a tug at her breast, reminded of her daughter, and her heart lurched. It was so easy to imagine her old life, but actually leaving, saying goodbye…she swallowed and forced herself to look back at her clues, needing something other than leaving to focus on.

She would fold the sketch into a square, and then place the cutting of grey velvet with it. Even just staring at it, she could feel the soft, buttery fabric, knew how it would feel against her skin if she pressed it to her body. Because I’ll never forget what it felt like to wear that dress for the first time, to see other women wearing my creations, to understand the fall of the velvet as I draped it around the mannequin before it was sewn. This is what I was born to do, this is why I left home all those years ago, that was the life I was destined for .

Evelina sighed. It was as if she were part of two worlds, and even though the pull to her daughter was stronger than the one to her past, she knew what choice she had to make.

It was time to leave her child, before leaving became truly impossible.

‘I love you, ma fille chérie,’ she whispered. ‘I love you so fiercely that I fear my heart might explode, but I’m not enough for you. I can’t give you everything you need, the life you deserve.’

No matter how ferocious her love was for the infant swaddled in her arms, Evelina had decided what to do, and there was no going back.