1. Leo

CHAPTER 1

leo

THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO

I shuffled down the stairs, grateful to smell brewing coffee. Ginger was wearing her green bonnet, which meant it was Thursday morning, two days before the massive wedding and one day before my Lovett was set to come to town.

God, I missed them so much. They'd left before the beginning of the semester for orientation and hadn't been able to come home for Thanksgiving, so it'd been approximately one million years since I'd seen them.

Really closer to six months, but still .

Which meant this had to be a super-special weekend. Love was nonbinary, so I'd been sneakily trying to figure out how to call them my boyfriend, but in a neutral way. Some options were just silly, but I hoped by Sunday to simply call them lover .

I flushed at the thought. We'd had a ton of conversations about intimacy and where I drew the line and how we could make it enjoyable for both of us. They were AMAB—assigned male at birth—and had the same parts I did, so it had been surprisingly comfortable to talk about things.

They were also the first person I'd told about my history, outside of Ginger and my therapist. Others knew, of course, because I'd been rescued, but I never got into the details.

Luckily for me, the cousin who pimped me out eventually ended up on the radar of a rescue group operating out of a ranch in the Central Texas Hill Country.

When Charlie and team came barreling through the door, I was living with a bunch of other working kids in a tiny apartment close to the casinos in Lake Charles. We'd all been assigned different characters to play, and I was being shopped around town as "the young cowboy."

You couldn't pay me to wear a cowboy hat these days.

*shudder*

Anywho, they shot my cousin-pimp in the dick and brought me to Lupe, and that's when my life got better.

I knew I'd have some limitations around sex, but Love never pressured me. They had only ever told me they were perfectly happy to wait until I was comfortable, and that there wasn't anything we had to do.

I was looking forward to this weekend, though, because it turned out that there were plenty of things I wanted to do with them.

Ginger pushed a mug of cream-and-sugar-laden coffee in my direction, interrupting my sexy thoughts.

"Morning," she grumped.

Ginger was awesome, but she always needed a few minutes in the morning to be human. "Mornin', Ging. You sleep okay?"

She shrugged. Both of us were a little heartbroken, to be honest.

When I met Love, they were getting their undergraduate degree in animal science. Right around the time we became an item, they'd been given a full-ride scholarship to a veterinary school in Colorado. When I'd found out that they'd be moving, I'd been devastated. Cried for days.

All this time apart sucked, but I was proud of them. I knew they were going to be an awesome vet. I had to keep in mind, then, that this separation was temporary, and I had to do my best to keep up via text and FaceTime.

I was a bit of a grumpasaurus, though, because I hadn't heard from them in three days. They were studying for some big test, and it was driving me up the wall. Ginger patiently kept reminding me it wasn't personal, which I particularly appreciated since she had her own love troubles.

Ah, man. Poor Ginger.

She was still gone over our friend Jules, who was trans. Ginger and I had similar tragic pasts, and as such, she had a hard line against penises. Jules had never wanted or needed gender affirmation surgery, so… Yeah. They were impassed as fuck, even though Ginger was pretty much head over heels for the woman.

I hoped they'd figure it out.

As I brought the steaming mug to my lips, my phone went off. I grinned.

L is for the way you look at me…

"That has got to be Love's ringtone," Ginger said, managing a smile.

Warmth hit me square in my chest. Even though I'd be seeing them in less than twenty-four hours, I'd needed to hear their voice more than I'd realized.

"Yep," I tossed over my shoulder as I headed to the living room for a little privacy.

I hit the Accept button with a smile. "Love."

"Hey, Leo," they said.

I frowned at the phone. People called me a golden retriever, but Love was pure sunshine. The sadness in their voice meant that something was very, very wrong.

"What's the matter?"

They let out a terrible sigh. "I forget how well you know me."

"Of course I do. I know and like everything about you," I said, thinking that like was the wrong word entirely. I didn't just like everything about them, I loved it. And them.

Don't tell anyone I said that.

"You know how I was going to have to leave early on Sunday so that I could study for the test on Monday?"

I curled my lip, hating the reminder that they were barely going to be here for forty-eight hours. I was making plans to spend every possible second with them. Also, they'd be coming back in, like, two weeks for Christmas, so it wasn't really that bad. "Of course."

"My professor just dropped a bomb into the middle of our plans." Their voice shook and the phone creaked under my tightening grip. "Most of the stuff I've been cramming won't be on the test, and a section I'd barely read is going to feature heavily. So now I'm panicking because this test is at least twenty-five percent of my grade."

Don't say it. Don't say it , I begged silently. "Do you need to study while you're here? That's okay."

The silence on the phone made my heart speed up, and not in a good way.

"Sweetheart, I don't think I can make it," Love said, sounding as brokenhearted as I felt.

"Yes, you can," I whined. "I won't distract you, I promise. I'll let you study. We can sit on the couch together, and you can study, and I'll just… watch you."

Love chuckled. "Leo, if I'm anywhere near you, I won't be able to study worth a damn."

I knew they were trying to make me feel better, but it didn't work. "So does that mean you're not coming at all?"

Love sighed, sounding exhausted. "I'm so sorry, Leo. That's not the worst of it, though."

"There's worse than you not coming for the wedding?"

"I don't even know if I'll make it home for Christmas. There's a group of first-years staying to read ahead for the new semester, and I think I should join them. Maybe I'll be caught up by spring break, but?—"

My heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach. "But spring break is forever away." I didn't mean to complain, but dammit, I missed them so much. Why couldn't they come home for Christmas ?

"I know . And I'm so, so sorry. In my very first class this semester, my professor warned we'd hardly see our loved ones for the next four years, and I didn't take him seriously. Now… I don't know how I can make it all work."

They sounded like they were working up to something even worse than canceling their trip, and a crushing pressure ripped through my chest. My fingertips went to my collarbone, where I'd had a high school buddy tattoo their name.

"Love? What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I'm having a hard time keeping up." Their heartbreak was audible in every word. "I'm struggling in all my classes, I'm barely getting enough sleep, I don't know the last time I had a hot meal, and I'm so overwhelmed." They paused, and I held my breath. "I'm scared that maybe I can't be any sort of a decent relationship partner right now."

My ears started ringing, and I panicked. "Are you breaking up with me?"

" No ." The silence on the line was not the least bit comforting. "But maybe we need to put a pause on things for a while."

A pause ? What the fuck did that mean? My mind immediately went to the darkest places imaginable. "Are you seeing someone else?" I asked, not bothering to keep the accusation out of my voice. "Is it someone in this study group?"

The beat of quiet told me that perhaps I'd gone too far.

"Leo, you know I wouldn't do that."

I slumped down on the couch, staring at my phone.

"Leo? Are you there? Tell me you know I wouldn't do that."

"Maybe you wouldn't do that , but you're not even trying to make this work."

"I am . I have been. I'm just telling you that I don't… I'm so buried in work, and I'm scared I'm going to fail. I'm literally giving up Christmas so that I can get a head start on next semester."

"Well, let me make it easier for you." I stood up, ignoring the dizziness and the pounding in my ears. "If you don't want me, then stay in Colorado for all I care."

"Leo, I will not be in Colorado forever. I just have to get through these next few years, and then?—"

"Goodbye, Lovett. Lose my number."

I hit the End button and threw my phone on the couch as Ginger walked into the room, her eyebrows high, clearly having overhead our conversation.

"Did you just break up with Love?"

"They wanted to go on a break because they're so overwhelmed ," I said, using air quotes.

She bit her bottom lip. "They wanted to break up with you?"

"Oh, they weren't gonna say that. Their excuse was that they didn't think they could be a ‘good relationship partner' right now and that they needed to focus on their studies, or whatever."

Ginger's hand went to her chest. "That doesn't sound unreasonable."

She was using her soft voice, a voice I knew all too well. It was the one that said I was being unreasonable and she was trying to bring me back down to earth. I didn't fucking want to hear it.

"They canceled their trip. For a test . They wouldn't even try to study here, they just canceled. That tells me everything I need to know."

"Leo," she said gently. "Remember when we talked about how sensitive you and I can be about perceived rejection?"

"This isn't about rejection sensitivity or whatever. This is about Love not prioritizing us."

"So they weren't trying to say they wanted to be with you but couldn't fit everything in with their study schedule?"

"How do you not fit the most important person in your life?" I snorted. "Unless it turns out I'm not that important after all."

"Remember that your circumstances are very different from Love's. I think they like you a whole lot. I've seen you two, and you're not the only sensitive one in your relationship. I'm guessing they get overwhelmed pretty easily."

"Are you on their side or mine?" I asked, raising my voice.

"I'm always on your side." God, that cloying tone was about to drive me over the edge. "I know you're upset, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't try to solve this for you. It is sad."

"That's all I'm trying to say," I said, my voice cracking as tears tracked down my face without my permission. "And now I have to do this stupid wedding where everybody's gonna be in love, and I'm gonna be over here with my heart ripped out of my chest."

She pulled me into a hug. "I'm so sorry. We're both members of the Broken Hearts Club, and it sucks."

Wait till she sees the Instagram post.

I sniffed, then leaned in and pressed my face against her neck. "That's us," I croaked out. "Two heartbroken losers."

After that, I lost it.

Everybody talked about how important it was to recover from a traumatic childhood, but nobody mentioned how much regular stuff hurt, too. And I was so tired of hurting.

Well… Fuck that, obviously.

I'm better off on my own.

Maybe if I said that enough times, I'd believe it.