31. Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-One

Eric

The bitter sting of my whiskey is the only thing that proves to me that I can still feel. I raise the crystal glass in my hand and study the amber liquid. Is this going to be my only companion for the rest of my life?

I take another sip and feel the burn all the way down. The burn isn’t intense enough. I deserve more torture for what I did to Mia. It’s been a week, and her tears haunt me every minute of every day.

Kim’s tears did nothing to me. I actually found myself annoyed when she cried. But with Mia, it’s like my body is an extension of hers. When she cries, I feel it down into the pit of my stomach.

I’ve been playing that evening in my head over and over, wondering what I could’ve done differently. But the feeling of not being good enough for her still comes barreling back every time. I get angry that she couldn’t just leave well enough alone and not try to change me.

Then I sit at work, hating every second of it, and I can’t help but wonder if she was right. Maybe I’m not happy. But then what happens when I have to start from scratch and build a business from the ground up and am struggling financially? There’s no way she’ll want to be with someone like that. Not a smart, successful woman like her.

I open the top drawer in my desk, and something catches my eye. I pull the stapled papers out and read the design on the top page.

The words Eric’s Wood and Grain are in the middle, and it is surrounded by trees with an ax running through it. It looks like it’s pyrographed onto a log.

This is Mia’s business proposal for me. The logo in itself is stunning.

I place my drink down on my desk and lean back in my chair. With a shaky hand, I turn the page. As I read through her words, I’m blown away at the amount of detail she has put into it. She captures the essence of what the craft means to me.

Then I get into the marketing strategy which is well researched and thought out. She found my target audience and how to market to them through social media and locally. I flip the page and find a financial projection of the first year. Forecasted revenue, expenses, and cash flow.

She must’ve spent weeks on this. As I read further, a weird sense of excitement bubbles up in me. Is it really possible to make a living off of this?

Then I think about how I treated her when she brought it up and bile rises in my throat.

A knock on my front door pulls me from my misery. Fuck, I’m not in the mood for visitors. It’s probably Layla here to make me feel even more crappy about myself.

When I open the door, I’m surprised to see Asher and Liam staring back at me. They let themselves in before I can say anything.

“We heard you might need a little company,” Liam pats my shoulder as I close the door.

We walk into the kitchen as I try to figure out how to get them the hell out of here. I just want to drink my sorrows away on my own.

“Whoever told you that was sorely mistaken,” I reply as they take a seat at my island.

“You look like shit, man. Have you gotten any sleep?” Asher asks.

“Is this your idea of trying to make me feel better? Because you suck at it.”

I opt to stand across from them on the other side of the island. I’m in no mood to pretend like I want to get cozy and talk.

“Wasn’t trying to make you feel better. I’m just telling you like I see it.” He rests his elbows on the counter. “So, I hear you sent Mia packing.”

Every muscle in my body coils at his words. I want to punch his face for acting so casually about what I’m going through. “Choose your words carefully,” I warn.

“Tell us it’s not true and we’ll leave you alone,” Liam counters.

I stand in silence because it’s true and I know it. We all know it. Everybody knows what I did, and now I have to deal with the consequences.

“Talk to us. I know we mess with you and all, but we’re worried. We know you cared for her, so something happened that made you panic. Tell us what it was.”

For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like hiding behind my wall. I’m so confused and torn up about what I want that I just decide to talk. I tell them about how I was already pissed at work because I couldn’t focus. Then I come home and she’s offering a plan for me to quit my job. I realize through my rambling just how much I’ve hidden from them because they don’t even know about my hobby.

So, I just keep talking. I admit the real reason Kim and I didn’t work out. How Mia triggered that fear in me again. So, when she came to me to tell me she could leave, I was already flooded with fear and anger. I tell them that woodworking became my therapy afterwards and has remained the only place that I feel like myself.

Then I admit how I lashed out at Mia and let her walk away in tears.

“Fuck, I’m sorry we didn’t’ know about any of this. I can’t believe that’s how you and Kim ended, and you never told us,” Asher says as he runs a hand through his hair. “We could’ve been here to support you.”

My eyes look down at a spot on my counter, too embarrassed to make eye contact. “I was humiliated. How could I come to you and tell you she left me because I’m not good enough?”

With my elbows on the counter, I lean my head down as tears threaten to spill over. I can’t cry in front of my brothers. That would just add to my humiliation.

“Hey, look at me,” Asher demands.

He’s my older brother and knows when to take control, and right now he’s demanding my full attention. Being the younger one and falling into my role, I obey his command.

I look up through the blur of my tears.

“Kim’s greedy desire for more has nothing to do with you being good enough. You were too good for her, and I’m fucking thankful you didn’t ruin your life by marrying her. I don’t want to hear any of this shit about you not being good enough. You hear me?”

Liam nods along in agreement, but lets our older brother take the reins. I find myself nodding too, letting him know that I hear him.

“I’m sorry we didn’t force this out of you earlier. It’s my fault for letting you get away with hiding from us. I should’ve done better,” Asher says with a look of guilt on his face.

“It’s not your fault. I wasn’t ready to talk about it.”

“No, I could have made you,” he says, and I smirk because he’s right. He has a way of turning on the older brother role and putting me in my place. But it doesn’t matter.

“There’s no point in dwelling about the past, right?” I say.

“How do you feel about how you left things with Mia?” Liam asks, knowing that’s a loaded question. I suppose that’s the point, he wants me to keep talking.

“I feel like the biggest piece of shit that’s ever lived.”

“Good. That’s a start,” Asher replies.

I raise an eyebrow at him, not sure what the hell that means. Has he now switched directions to calling me a piece of shit?

“I’m not going to make excuses for treating the woman you love like shit,” he explains.

My eyes open wide at his choice of words. I lean forward. “I’m sorry. The woman I love?” I question.

“Yes, you idiot. The woman you are so obviously in love with.”

“What makes you think I’m in love with her?”

That gets a laugh from Liam and Asher. I’m not sure why we are all of a sudden laughing at me. “Because I know you. You were finally smiling again. You were crazy protective of her safety, calling us over and barking orders to make sure every inch of this property was covered with surveillance. You think you’d do that for someone you just kind of liked? You think all of these emotions would come flooding to the surface for a woman you don’t really care about?” Asher asks as he raises his eyebrows at me.

“I don’t know if I’d call it love. I mean yes, I care about her. But love in that short of time? We barely know each other.”

“It sounds to me like she knows you better than we do at this point,” Liam points out. “And I know I’m no expert on love, but I don’t think it follows a timetable.”

“Either way. Love or not. I completely screwed it up with her.”

“Are you saying you are giving up?” Asher asks.

“No, I’m not giving up. It’s not like there was ever going to be any real possibility of the two of us. Her life is in Cleveland, my life is here. She runs a successful business and probably wants nothing to do with someone like me.”

Asher leans back in his chair and sighs. “You’re never going to be able to have a relationship unless you figure out how to let your past go. Why would a woman who runs a successful business not want to be with you?”

I open my mouth to answer, thinking I have this amazing response, but no words come out. I’ve never had to defend my feelings before. Certainly, there’s a good reason why I’m feeling this way. I’m just not able to articulate it right now.

“Exactly,” Asher says as he points at me. “You are using this as an excuse to not put yourself out there. I’m telling you, women like Mia don’t come around very often. Don’t take too long to come to your senses.”

Just the thought of her moving on with someone else sends red hot lava through my body. I will kill anyone who touches her.

“I think that you have some things to sit and think about. In the meantime, let’s say you bring us out to your barn and finally show us the real Eric,” Asher says as he stands up.

Liam jumps up eagerly then they both start for the backdoor. I follow behind them reluctantly. Why am I so afraid to show them this part of me? As we walk through the grass out to the barn, my heart accelerates in my chest.

What if they hate my work? What if they think it’s stupid but don’t want to hurt my feelings? All of these questions are swirling through my brain as we reach the barn door. But we’re here now, and I have no reason not to rip off the band aid and show them.

I slide the door open and turn on the light. As we walk in, my eyes remain on my boots as my brothers disperse. I can hear them walk throughout the barn as they take in all that I’ve hidden from them.

It feels like I’m slicing open my chest for them to see the most vulnerable part of me. Not sure what that says about me and how I think I’m supposed to be viewed in the eyes of others that I find my art to be so exposing.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t realize how much time has gone by. They both stand in front of me with weird looks on their faces. My stomach churns as I wait for their response.

“Mia is right,” Liam says as he folds his arms across his chest. “This is clearly your passion, and you’re fucking good at it. Let’s see that business plan she put together.”

They head back for the house leaving me speechless. I follow behind as I try to think of a way out of showing them her proposal. I haven’t even finished it yet, and I don’t want anyone else’s eyes on it but mine right now. It feels intimate. Something she did just for me.