Andrew

I STARE AT JAMIE, TRYING TO FIGURE out when the bit is supposed to get funny. Like, oh, I’m not going to Henri’s with you because I’ve decided we should all hop on a boat and go where the wind takes us. Which still isn’t funny, so I’m hoping he’s got something better.

“I was talking to Cal,” he says. “He’s worried that Danny Rosewood is just going to keep sending people after us. And I think he’s right.”

“How?” I ask. “They went down to the Keys and we weren’t there.”

“Trevor said he’d tell them where we were going. Once they regroup after the Keys, they might head there.”

“Or they could give up,” I say, looking to Cara for help. But she seems worried. “And we talked about this. We get Henri and Amy out, and they hide somewhere until Fort Caroline gives up looking for us.”

“They’ve been broadcasting about me for months, Andrew. There are wanted posters—”

“One! One wanted poster; we haven’t seen any others.”

“Because we were on the western side of Georgia. They probably plastered them up and down the East Coast. Which is why we can’t stay here, we can’t go to Henri’s, and we can’t go to the cabin. Not until this ends.”

Ends. I stare at him, trying to figure out what the hell he’s talking about. Because he’s not seriously considering sacrificing himself for our safety. That’s insane, even for Jamie.

“Ends how?” Cara asks.

“Cal thinks they sent an army to get me in the Keys. I guess to intimidate them and because, as we already knew, there’s no way Fort Caroline is helping anyone else. So they might be vulnerable now.”

“You’re going to attack them?” I ask. This plan sounds worse every minute.

But Jamie shakes his head. “Based on what Denton said about things falling apart, Cal thinks it’ll be possible to start a revolution. Then, when their army gets back from the Keys, there’s already new leadership in place and it becomes a democracy.”

“That’s stupid. No, you’re not going based on months-old intel from Grover Denton and some random guy from California.”

“Cal was in the CIA.”

“I don’t care if he kissed the president on the mouth at holiday parties. Jamie, you can’t be serious about this.”

“I’m tired of always looking over our shoulders!” he says. “I don’t want to have to worry about everyone for the rest of my life.”

I step closer to him and take his hands, even using my bad one, which hurts so awfully it brings tears to my eyes. Or maybe the tears are because of how scared I am of him doing this. “You don’t have to worry about everyone. Just worry about us. They don’t want everyone else. They just want the two of us.”

He puts his forehead against mine. “Which is why I’m going. If they have me, they won’t come looking for you or anyone else. And if we get there soon enough, everyone else in Fort Caroline will see what a waste this all was, and that whatever kind of villain Rosewood made me out to be, I’m just a kid that they spent months and who knows how many resources hunting down. All that time and energy spent on a revenge mission instead of making sure their settlement could be sustainable. And that’s how Danny Rosewood is taken down.”

“What if it isn’t?” I ask. He seems confused by my question. “What happens if you show up and they kill you? Then they parade your corpse around town claiming the teenage boogeyman who stole seven cans of food and shot their leader’s son is dead. What happens then?”

He shakes his head. “It won’t happen like that.”

“Why not?”

“Because if I have to, I’ll kill Rosewood myself. And anyone who gets in my way.” He sounds so sure. His voice doesn’t waver and neither do his hands. Jamie’s face is hardened in anger and frustration, and not even the boy I met nine months ago at gunpoint looked like this person who’s in front of me now.

That boy would never say this. He’d never look at me like this. Before, when I broke into his cabin, he looked lost. As if it wasn’t me breaking in, but him waking up not realizing where he was. I thought he’d kill me, but then almost immediately I could tell he wouldn’t. I don’t even remember if I thought that then or if I was just gambling. When he gave me food, I thought he might be trying to poison me, but the longer he spoke, the safer I felt.

If I broke into that cabin today and saw this person . . .

I think he would have shot me.

“No.” I shake my head. The old Jamie still has to be in there somewhere—this is because he’s scared, that’s all. We’re all scared; I just have to remind him we can be scared together. I put my hands to his cheeks so his eyes are locked on mine. Blood is seeping through the bandage on my left hand and it’s throbbing with pain. “You don’t need to do this. I get why you think you do, but you can come with us and we’re all going to be fine. No one is ever perfectly safe, not even before the apocalypse. But we can be happy, and we can try. All of us.”

I turn to Cara for backup. Please help me. She nods and takes Jamie’s hand.

“It’s okay to be scared,” she says. “We can all be scared, but staying together is what makes us strong.”

He closes his eyes and for a second my heart leaps. We did it. He’s going to stay with us.

But he gives a slow shake of his head.

My hands drop away from his face. There are no tears in his eyes, and he looks resolute.

“Denton is right. I killed Rosewood’s son, and as long as he’s alive, he’ll never stop trying to find me.”

I think the reason it’s called “heartbreak” is because it really does feel as if your chest has split open and everything has fallen out. And then all that’s left is numbness.

“Jamie, please,” Cara tries.

He shakes his head. “And I don’t want you to come with us either. I want you both, Amy, and Henri-Two to make sure you get to Henri.”

My voice is icy when I speak. “I have no intention of going with you on a revenge mission, Jamie.”

He seems surprised, as if he thought I would fight him on this or sneak onto a truck to come with him.

“It’s not a revenge mission.”

“Yes, it is. And I didn’t see it before, but you’ve been like this for . . .” I shake my head. “Since you got shot. You pushed the people in the Keys away. You refused to let that be our home. You gave up on the boat mission after I got kicked off for someone who was a legit navy admiral. You gave up on getting Henri, which was the entire point of us going to the Keys. Then when we were on the road, you tried to hide medicine from the Nomads—the people who helped us and gave us food. You pulled a gun on Denton yesterday. This isn’t about keeping us safe, no matter how much you’re trying to tell yourself it is. It’s a revenge mission. Because you don’t like the person you’ve turned into and—”

I stop myself just in time, because I was about to say I don’t like him either. But I don’t want to say that out loud. Not that I need to. I can see in his face that he knows exactly what I was going to say.

“I love you,” I say. “I do. Just please come with us.”

And just like he knows what I was going to say, I know what he’s going to say, too. He’s made up his mind.

“I don’t want to lose you,” I try one last time.

“I’ll come find you when it’s done,” he says.

I turn away from him. He calls after me, but I go up the deck stairs behind the lodge and straight into the dining hall area. Nadine is there, but Denton isn’t. I walk up to her, interrupting a conversation she’s having with another woman.

“Where’s Denton?”

“Why?”

“Just tell me.”

She looks down at my hands, probably checking that I’m unarmed. Smart move, Lady Marine.

“He went to the bathroom.”

I leave without thanking her and head back toward the outhouses. Halfway there, Denton sees me coming and stops. Probably because he sees the anger on my face. I walk up to him and shove him with my good hand. Because it’s only one arm, it’s not enough to push him all the way onto his ass, so he just stumbles back a few steps.

“Hey!”

“Shut up!” I yell. “Whatever you said to Jamie worked, because now he’s going to Fort Caroline on some revenge mission to kill Rosewood.”

“What? Andrew, I didn’t say anything.”

“I don’t care. You’re sorry, right? You want to make amends? Then you fucking go with him. Make sure he doesn’t get himself killed and . . .” My voice breaks and tears spill from my eyes. “You make damn sure he comes back. Stop him before he makes a mistake he’ll never forgive himself for.”

“Andrew—”

“I don’t care! Whatever you have to say, I don’t care. I told you what you need to do. Do it or don’t.” I continue past him to the cabins and start packing up my clothes. I don’t want to say goodbye to Jamie. It’s immature, but it’s also my last-ditch effort to try to get him to change his mind. If I hide and he can’t find me when he goes to leave, maybe he’ll stay? I hope he will.

But he doesn’t. He doesn’t come looking for me in the cabin the other kids are sharing. And in the morning when I wake up with everyone else, I learn that Jamie and a group of the Nomads have left. Niki has left, too, which surprises me. I never thought she’d leave Jamar here alone.

Cara finds me by the lake, where I’ve taken some of Faraway’s water to clean my arm. It’s healing nicely, except for my hand, where I popped four stitches when I was trying to convince Jamie to stay.

“Are you okay?” she asks, keeping a few paces away from me.

“Not even a little bit.” I’m exhausted because I couldn’t sleep. My arm hurts because I strained it yesterday. I spent most of Christmas morning thinking about Daphne and Liz and the kids who didn’t survive the hurricane. And then my boyfriend ended the afternoon by telling me he’s on a revenge mission to kill another person. Something I know deep down he doesn’t want to do. He’s just scared. Like I am now.

“Let me help you,” Cara says. She takes the cloth from me and dips it in the water. Then she gently cleans my arm, puts antibiotic ointment on it, and rewraps it. “We can stay here. I’m sure Amy will be okay with it. For a few days, we can rest and wait.”

But that sounds awful. Waiting here for them to come back, only to find out what? That Jamie is dead? Or that he killed someone? I don’t care how much Rosewood deserves to die; I don’t want it to be Jamie who kills him. When he killed Rosewood’s son it almost broke him.

I don’t want to see that person again. He did it to protect me, but he’s lying to himself now if he thinks that’s what he’s doing. Though I don’t think he’ll realize it until after it’s done.

“No, let’s get Amy home. Let’s just get that done and then we can figure out what we’re going to do.”

She nods and helps me up. “I know there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better.”

For a minute she just stares at me. Then she shrugs. “That was it.”

And I actually laugh.

“I talked to everyone last night,” she says. “Amy’s ready to leave with Henri-Two whenever you are.”

“I think I want to go today. I’m tired, but if it’s just the four of us, we can stop anywhere.” I’m also worried that if we stay here too long, I’m just going to end up waiting for Jamie to change his mind and turn around. But if he does, he knows where we’re going.

“Okay, let’s go tell the others.”

We go back and find Amy, Kelly, and Rocky Horror by the playground. Taylor and Jamar are there with the Kid as well.

Amy gives me a questioning look and I nod. She goes into the playground to get Henri-Two, who is playing with another toddler in a sandbox.

“You okay?” Rocky Horror asks.

I turn back to the others. “Amy, Cara, and I are going to continue on to Bethesda.”

Kelly nods. “I figured as much. Amy mentioned you all might keep going.”

Taylor walks right over to me. Jamar follows at her heel.

“‘You all’?” she asks.

“I’m still leaving. I’m going with Amy and Henri-Two to Bethesda.”

“I’m coming with you, then.”

I shake my head. “You’re safe here, you don’t need to do that.”

“What about Jamie?” she asks, looking past me for him.

“He went with some others to another settlement.” She doesn’t need to know where he really went.

“Wait,” Rocky Horror says. “Where did he go?” I turn back to Cara, who looks guilty. She must have forgotten to tell him.

“There’s another settlement that was like ours,” Jamar says. “They’re going to stop them. Niki went, too.”

“Stop them how?” Rocky Horror asks. But I don’t answer.

“Is he coming back?” Taylor asks.

“I hope so. But not here—probably to Amy and Henri or to the cabin his mom had in Pennsylvania.”

She nods as if that makes sense. “Okay, I’m coming, too, then.”

“Tay—”

“Screw you, I want to do it. Jamie is my family now. Just like Daphne and Liz were.”

“What about the kids?” I ask. “They’re your family, too, aren’t they?”

“Yes, but the kids are fine here, and they have Kelly. I’m coming with you.” She turns to Jamar. “I’m sorry. I can’t stay.”

“Then I’m coming with y’all,” says Jamar.

“No, no, no,” I say. “Niki would hunt us down and murder us.”

“He’s right,” says Taylor. “You have to stay here. She’s your sister. She can’t come back to find you missing.”

Jamar’s eyes start to well up with tears, and Taylor hugs him tight. He sobs quietly as he grips the back of her jacket.

Rocky Horror puts out a hand. “Whoa! Hold on! I agreed to the Mary Poppins fuckery for the trip. I am not staying here so you can leave me with six kids!”

“You coming, too, RH?” I ask.

He scoffs. “I did not say that.”

I smile. “Then chim chim cher-oo on outta this conversation and go help Hannah and Kelly babysit those kids.”

Rocky Horror groans, looks at the kids on the playground, then back at me. He rolls his eyes and says, “Fine, stop begging, I’ll come, too.”

I open my mouth to tell him I was just kidding, but he holds up a hand. “I was only going to stay ’cause y’all were. I’m still not entirely ready to be done with you yet.” He takes a few steps over to me and lowers his voice. “This place is great, but I’m going to be honest. There’s just something more inviting about being on the road. I feel kind of . . . stagnant here, if that makes sense.”

I want stagnancy, just not yet. Still, I nod.

I ask them all, individually, if they’re sure. They tell me they are. And I do feel a bit better having them on my side. Jamar and Taylor still have tears in their eyes, though. They walk off to say their farewell as we say goodbye to the kids. They’re sad to see us go, but I think they’re happier to have a place to stay now. Especially since after we hug, they run right off to their new Faraway friends.

Except for the Kid. He looks heartbroken.

“It’ll be okay,” I tell him. But he just nods. “You take care of Bobo and Albie, okay?” Again, just a nod. I ask him if I can have a hug, and he nods again but doesn’t hug me back.

With tears in my eyes, I turn away from him. We have our things packed up and ready to go, and Kelly, Jamar, and a couple of the Nomads are there to send us off.

Just as we start to walk away, Jamar calls out to Taylor.

He runs down to her as she turns, and they stop three feet from each other. They just stare, both too afraid to speak or move.

Then Jamar takes a step forward and kisses Taylor on the lips. It’s a long—adorably awkward—closed-mouthed kiss where they both keep their hands in fists at their sides.

They separate and look at each other. “Bye,” he says. And promptly turns around and walks away as quickly as possible. Taylor turns back to us, her face pink.

“You good?” I ask her teasingly.

“Yes.” She walks past me as her mouth slowly curls into a smile, and Amy and I have to bite our lips to keep from laughing. Then Rocky Horror, Cara, Amy and Henri-Two, and I follow her down the dirt-and-gravel driveway to the road. There, we say goodbye to the man and woman at the entrance, thanking them for their hospitality.

We’re probably fifty feet away from the Faraway Campground when the woman at the entrance whistles behind us.

“Looks like you forgot one!” she calls out.

I turn to see the Kid running for us. Bobo and Albie flop in either hand, and he’s hunched over with the weight of his backpack. I jog to meet him halfway and crouch down.

“Kid, you have to stay here.”

But he shakes his head. “I want to come with you.”

“It’s safer here. For all three of you.” I wiggle one of Bobo’s legs, but the Kid shakes his head. “Please? I promise you’re going to be okay here.”

“I want Jamie, too.”

Shit. I stand and turn to the others, using my eyes to ask for help. I could lie to him and say Jamie’s coming back. But then the Kid grabs my hand and holds tight. I look down to see Albie and Bobo tucked under one arm. The Kid looks ahead at the others.

“We’re not going to find Jamie,” I say. “He had to go do something.”

The Kid looks up at me. “But he’s coming back here?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know. He might meet up with us later.”

“I want to come with you, then.”

Cara shrugs and pats Rocky Horror on the shoulder. “Glad to have you back, Mary Poppins.”

Rocky Horror groans, pretending to hate everything about this moment while the others give him a hard time. The Kid pulls me along, helping me give up a little easier. Because I definitely would have missed him, too.