Jamison

WHEN I WAKE UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, I feel strange. Not because we’re in a new place, but because of everything that went down yesterday. The anxiety and fear of running into Denton again, then all that coming together with the optimism about Andrew, Cara, and I continuing on our own again after Bethesda.

This is a good thing, but there’s still an uneasy feeling in my gut.

Maybe that’s just because of the meal last night. I wouldn’t call it a feast, exactly, but there was plenty for everyone, which is hard to come by these days.

I help Andrew and Kelly get the kids up and when we enter the common room, there’s already food out, and something smells holiday-spicy, like cinnamon and nutmeg. Most are leftovers from the night before, but there’s a tray of what looks like cookies and small quick breads.

The younger kids all run for the tree—several adults telling them to slow down and line up—but I’m drawn to the cookies and bread. I grab one of the loaves and examine it closely. It’s dark brown and feels dense. It smells like cinnamon and citrus and looks like there’s dried fruit in it. I show it to Andrew, who grabs a cookie.

“Orange cranberry.” Hannah appears at my side. “The orange flavor is extract, but the dried cranberries are real. The cookies are just spice cookies. We ran out of real flour last year, so that’s chef’s special pine flour.”

“Pine?” Andrew asks. “Like the tree?”

“The bark can be ground into flour.”

He laughs. “Sawdust cookies, nice.”

“I promise they aren’t that bad.” She takes one and heads over to the tree, where her son, Alex, is waiting patiently.

Andrew leans in and whispers, “Who knew pine trees had so many uses. Antibiotic ointment and now flour.”

“Don’t forget decor.” I point to the Christmas tree across the room.

We join Cara and Rocky Horror—who tell me they’re drinking “forager tea.”

“Basically, it tastes like dirt,” Rocky Horror says, but still takes a sip. We watch as the kids get handed gifts one by one. Even ours receive gifts. We asked Hannah if there was a place in town where we and a few of the Nomads could go to find gifts, but she assured us they had enough for everyone. And it looks like they do.

Across the room, I catch Nadine and Denton talking with Cal and a couple of other Nomads, including Kevin. Nadine locks eyes with me, gives me a curt nod, then returns her gaze to the other side of the room. The Lady Marine hasn’t changed.

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands,” Andrew says. When I turn to him, he has his good hand behind his back while his injured hand is still held close to his chest despite not using the sling anymore. My smile grows and I do as he says. He places something light in the palm of my right hand. “Okay, open them.”

It’s a small, faded green ticket—like one from a raffle—with the words “KEEP THIS COUPON” flaking away.

“Are they doing a raffle?” I ask. The last time I saw a ticket like this, it was at my neighborhood’s community development fundraiser.

“It’s a movie ticket,” he says. “Good for one movie that I will retell for you—to the best of my knowledge.”

My smile manages to grow a bit more. “What if it’s one you hate or don’t know?”

He looks like he’s already regretting this. “Any. Movie. Of your choice.”

“An—”

“Within reason, Jamie, don’t make me tell you Citizen Kane or some shit. It’s so boring. Rosebud is the sled and capitalism is evil. There, that one was a freebie.”

I laugh and close my hand around the ticket. “I’ll make sure I choose a good one. Where did you get this?”

“Palmetto Park and Splash World Resort. There were a few littering the ground and I picked them up . . . you know.” During Daphne’s funeral procession. Yes, I guess that would make sense.

“Them? There’s more?”

He shrugs. “Who knows!”

I put the ticket in my back pocket—already thinking about the movies I can ask Andrew to recite for me—and tell him to close his eyes. He does and holds out his good hand. I take the neon wood turtle I stole from the shop in Florida and put it in his hand.

He opens it and his smile drops. For a second I feel bad, like I made a mistake by choosing a gift from the place we had to flee.

“I thought it might be nice,” I say, trying to salvage the moment. “I mean, for you to have something to remind you . . .” Remind him of the place we had to run away from. Because of me. “A souvenir. Sorry.”

But he does smile, and when he looks at me, there are tears in his eyes. He laughs and tries to wipe them away. “No, don’t be.” He hugs me tight, then kisses my neck, then my cheek, then my lips. “It is perfect. Tacky and wonderful and perfect. Thank you.”

After gifts, everyone pretty much splits off into groups to talk and have breakfast. I see the Kid sitting alone with Bobo and his new toy, a Pokémon plush he doesn’t seem as interested in as his own hippo. I head over to him and sit down against the wall.

“You feeling better today, Kid?” He just nods, so I press him a little more. “Pretty cool that Santa still knows where you are, right?”

Again, just a nod. Maybe he knows Santa isn’t real. Maybe when Santa didn’t show up last year after society collapsed, all the orphaned kids in the world realized it was their parents who bought them gifts on Christmas. I feel Andrew’s eyes on me from across the room, probably waiting for me to give him the look that we often share. The one that says tag, you’re in so I can go to the sideline, and he can take over trying to make the Kid feel better. But now, knowing that we’re going to have to eventually ghost everyone, I stay put.

I grab the Pokémon from the floor. It’s not one I recognize, so it must be a newer one.

“What’s this guy’s name?” The Kid just shrugs. “Should we give him a name, then?” Another shrug. “I think he looks like an Edward.”

That makes the Kid smile.

“No? How about Engelbert Humperdinck?”

The Kid finally laughs.

“Well then, what do you think?”

He finally takes the plush from me and looks at it, holding it up next to Bobo. I expect him to say something like Cece or Bobo-Two, but instead he says, “Albie.”

I gasp. “I think that’s an amazing name! Now, aren’t you glad Santa brought him?”

The Kid’s smile drops again. “Are you and Andrew leaving?”

I turn and give Andrew the look, and he joins us. “Are you talking about me?”

“Are you leaving?” the Kid asks. He must have heard us when he was washing his hands yesterday. Andrew gives me an almost imperceptible glance before shaking his head.

“We’re all leaving. I’m not sure when, but don’t worry, we’re all going to stick together.” He holds out his hand. “Let’s go get something to eat.”

The Kid takes his hand and Andrew gives me a guilty look. I return it with a nod. I know exactly what he’s thinking because I feel the same. The Kid is going to be destroyed when we leave. Across the room, Taylor breaks away from Jamar to talk with the Kid for a second. She’s going to be sad, too. But maybe she can go with the Nomads and Jamar.

Christ, then the Kid would be completely alone. This is why I wanted to keep our distance in the Keys. We weren’t supposed to become friends with these people, and we weren’t supposed to be a found family to a group of orphans.

I get up and head out to the front of the lodge where I can breathe a bit. My chest feels tight and my eyes burn, threatening tears.

“How you holding up?”

I turn to see Cal emerging from the lodge. He has a steaming mug of the forager tea in his hands.

“Good. Merry Christmas.”

“Is it?” he asks, blowing on his tea. “After your . . . reunion yesterday. You and Andrew seem to be on edge.”

I nod. “Hard not to be.”

Cal takes a sip of his tea and winces. “This stuff tastes like shit.” He throws it in the dirt, where according to Rocky Horror it should be right at home. “You never told me about this Danny Rosewood guy.”

Of course I left out the part where I killed one of the leaders of Fort Caroline’s only living son and had a bounty on my head. “I figured it would make me seem less trustworthy.”

“Because finding out on Christmas Eve—and after weeks on the road together—that some authoritarian regime is hunting you up and down the Eastern Seaboard, yeah, that’s a person we can trust.” He says it with a smirk, though, so maybe he’s not so pissed.

“We’re going to leave,” I say. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you, but Andrew and I are going to get Amy and her daughter home, then we’re gone. On our own.”

“And what about everyone else? What if these people catch up with us? Do you want us to lie for you?”

The answer is yes, but it’s not right to ask that. Regardless of how long we’ve been traveling with them, they owe us no loyalty. So I shake my head. “You can do what you have to do. But I’m not telling you where we live.”

“I know Amy’s mom is in Bethesda. I can send them that far at least. Then what?”

My mouth goes dry. “Go ahead and tell them. Amy and her mom won’t be there when Fort Caroline arrives, and they’ll hit a dead end. But maybe chasing us all over the country looking for breadcrumbs is exactly how they fail. Using up all their supplies and fuel to find me, all for nothing.”

Cal nods. “But what about the kids? And Amy, Kelly, Cara, Rocky Horror? You’d be putting them in danger even if they were hiding elsewhere.”

I clench my jaw and try to look like I’m not lying. “And who would tell us if something did happen? Even if they lived here, happy and healthy for the rest of their lives, we’d never know.”

“No, but it would be there. In the back of your mind.” He watches my face, waiting for something, but I’m not sure what. I try to remain neutral, showing him that he’s wrong. But he isn’t. “I think this is one of those universal convergence moments we talked about, but from the moment we drove past you on the highway with people from the Keys. Or were they from this Fort Caroline place?”

“No, that part was true. After the hurricane, the Keys offered me up in exchange for the bounty Fort Caroline had out on me.”

He nods. “They could have let us drive past without chasing us down. We agreed it was none of our business and wanted to stay out of it.”

“So why did you get involved?”

“We saw you camped out. Andrew was injured, you had the kids. If you’d escaped them, we figured you could use some help, and you were resourceful enough to get away from your captors.”

“And how is this supposed to be a random moment that makes sense again?”

“I was retired before the flu. But I worked for the CIA.”

That’s surprising. There’s always been something cop-like about Cal, but spy wasn’t even on my radar.

“Most of my time I was stationed in Afghanistan. We were required to withdraw in 2021, and the government promised us that our interpreters and assets who were still there would be evacuated and given US citizenship. Seven of my assets and their families were supposed to be rescued during the evacuation in Kabul. But they never made it, and I never found out what happened to them. So trust me when I say, you can run off into the empty roads of America, end up wherever you end up, and hope for the best for the others here. But you know how this world is. In the back of your mind, it’s the uncertainty that’ll drive you crazy.”

He really just said all that to make me feel like shit, to make me feel guilty for not telling him. “Thanks, that makes me feel so much better.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m trying to make you realize something needs to be done.”

I stare at him, trying to read his unreadable face. “Something like what?”

“You can’t just keep running. And you can’t stop them on your own.”

The uneasiness I felt this morning. Hearing Cal say all this seems to help put those pieces together for me. I want Andrew, Cara, and me to continue on our own, but I’m worried about what might happen to the others.

“So what am I supposed to do?” We ran to begin with because we knew it wasn’t safe. Then we kept running when they caught up to us, but this just keeps happening.

“If they did go down to the Keys to find you,” he says, “that means they probably sent whoever they’re using as a new military force to kill you or bring you back. Which means Fort Caroline itself is weak right now. There’s probably only a skeleton crew or bunch of civilians with guns watching over them.”

“So you’re saying . . . we attack them?” That’s the easiest way for Andrew and me to die. Yes, I’d shoot whoever I had to, to protect Andrew. It’s very different from the deer I didn’t want to shoot back at the cabin. Deer don’t target humans; they don’t try to kill us like people do. The memory of my own gunshot wound returns. I want anyone who would hurt Andrew, or the others in our group, to feel that pain.

But Cal shakes his head. “We don’t attack. We destabilize. From what I learned yesterday, it sounds like this Fort Caroline place is already heading in that direction with the psyops they tried to pull with Denton. So what happens if we show up with you as our ‘prisoner’”—he even uses air quotes—“say we’re there to collect the bounty, and everyone else finds out the people in power have been wasting their supplies hunting you when we’ve had you all along.”

“What’s to stop you from just turning me in?”

“Because I don’t trust them.”

“But I’m supposed to trust you?”

“Yes. Because we’ve lived through all this before. We stayed up late last night talking with Denton and Nadine. Hearing them talk about their experiences there gave a few of us flashbacks of Pastor Phillip. Less religiously fueled, but the same tactics. Authoritarianism doesn’t go away on its own. A few brave people need to push back, tell everyone who will listen what the future will look like if things continue. And I’ve told you what your future is going to look like. Worrying about my assets didn’t end when the flu hit. I still think about them, and I know you’ll think about everyone in that room there.” He points at the lodge.

“And, honestly, I’d feel the same about all of you,” he continues. “There’s nothing I can do about the world ending. But I can at least wish for some peace of mind. And maybe that’s making sure the people I’ve been traveling with—the people I’ve trusted with my life, despite them not trusting me—don’t have to worry about being hunted down.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

Cal nods. “It’s possible it won’t. But think of it this way. If it doesn’t work, you don’t have to worry about them anymore.” He doesn’t clarify who the “them” is. He could mean Fort Caroline, because I’d be dead. But I’m thinking of Andrew. And the Kid and Cara and Amy and Rocky Horror. If I went along with this plan and they weren’t involved, it would mean they were safe.

“How do you imagine this destabilization would work?”

“We show up with you, we pretend a couple of us are the leaders of our group, while the rest of our people act as citizens. They plant the seeds of dissent, and we wait for them all to explode.”

“So people still die.”

“People always die,” he says. “That’s the price of freedom.”

“There you are.” I turn to see Andrew coming out alone.

“Think it over. The Faraway folks have invited us to stay another night. Let me know your decision tomorrow.”

He nods to Andrew and then goes inside. “Think about what?” Andrew asks.

“He wants to know what our next step is,” I lie. “I mentioned that we might be separating from them and heading to Henri’s.”

“It’s going to hurt,” he says. “But it’s for the best. For all of us.”

I nod. “Yeah. I think you’re right.”

“Come on,” Andrew says. “They’re doing some kind of Christmas toast or something.” I follow him inside, and I can already hear Hannah speaking. Then cheers.

“Guess we missed it,” I say.

We walk in and the kids are all celebrating, dancing, running around. The orphans, the Nomad kids, and Faraway’s kids. Kelly wipes a tear from her eye, hugging a woman from Faraway. Cal locks eyes with me from across the room as we approach Cara.

“What did we miss?” Andrew asks.

She lowers her voice. “They just offered a place to stay for anyone who wants it. To live and work here with them.”

Andrew’s eyes are wide, and he looks at me as if shocked by this Christmas miracle. He slips his hand into mine and squeezes it gently, and I know exactly what he’s going to do.

“We’re not going to stay,” he says. “We’re going to take Amy and Henri-Two to her mom’s and then go to Jamie’s cabin. But we don’t want to tell too many people.”

“Because of Fort Caroline,” she says. Andrew nods as Cara’s eyes flit over to Grover Denton and Nadine Price. “So why are you telling me?”

“Because we’re a family. You can choose to stay here if you want, or at Henri’s in Bethesda. Or you can come with us. Right?” He looks to me for reassurance, to make sure I’m okay with him inviting Cara to live with us. Of course I am, but that means another person we have to protect.

“Yes,” I say. “You’re always welcome.”

She nods slowly. “I’ll think about it. I’m going to Henri’s with you, so there’s plenty of time.”

Her eyes drift over my shoulder and I follow them to see Denton and Nadine walking over to us. I’ve avoided them as much as I could since yesterday. Every time I see him, rage flows through my body. It makes my throat tight and my jaw clench. I can only think about him tying our hands behind our backs, ruining the first kiss I ever had with Andrew—the one I thought would also be our last. I don’t care if he says it wasn’t him who shot me. It was them. And he was part of them.

“Can we talk to both of you?” Denton asks.

Andrew shakes his head. “Sorry we pulled a gun on you, but you did shoot my boyfriend, so I’m not that sorry. But whatever you have to say to us, it doesn’t matter.”

Nadine lowers her voice. “The invitation for the others to stay is contingent on both of you not staying.”

Of course it is. It makes sense. Even if we hadn’t already been planning to leave, I wouldn’t be offended.

Denton closes his eyes. “Nadine.”

“They need to know.”

“Yes, and I was going to talk about it outside so as not to cause a scene.”

Andrew scoffs. “Listen, I’m going to give you all a wonderful Christmas present. We aren’t staying anyway. We’ll leave tomorrow, so long as everyone else can stay.” He grows serious. “Especially the kids and Kelly. They need a place they can call home, and if they stay, you need to make sure Fort Caroline doesn’t go near them.”

But I’m not sure that’s possible. If they find out Denton is here and come after him, Faraway might trade information about us to save him. And Fort Caroline has shown they can’t be trusted. They might say they’ll leave Denton and the others here, but if they show up and are better armed than Faraway, they could kill the adults and take the kids.

“Understand?” Andrew asks.

Denton nods and turns to Cara. “You’re allowed to stay, if you want.”

Cara shakes her head. “I left Fort Caroline with them. I’ll leave here with them as well.”

Denton seems disappointed, but the look on his face says he understands.

“And look at that!” Andrew smiles wide and holds out his good hand like a magician doing a trick. “Without causing a scene. Be proud! Merry Christmas to all.”

Cara glares at Andrew, but Nadine just takes his joke as her cue to leave. Denton stands there for a moment before looking at both Andrew and me.

“I also wanted to say that I’m sorry,” he says. “I know now that I wasn’t being brave. I was letting things happen instead of rocking the boat, and it still turned out bad. And I’m sorry you two got caught in the crosshairs.”

Andrew sighs as though he’s annoyed that Denton is apologizing. “Well, you weren’t the only one there letting things go on, so try not to take all the blame.” He stops short of saying anything about forgiveness, which I understand.

Denton nods, wishes us a merry Christmas, and goes back to the other side of the room. But his words still stick with me. How he regrets not doing more when he could have, and how others should have, as well. Maybe there are more people like that in Fort Caroline, just waiting for someone to say something.

Which means Cal might be right.

And it means we should try to do something about it.

I don’t say anything at first. Instead, I let Andrew and Cara enjoy the morning feast. They talk to Amy and agree to leave the next day. It isn’t until halfway through the afternoon that I finally have the nerve to talk to them. I tell them to come outside with me and we walk down to the lake.

“Should we invite Rocky Horror to come with us?” Andrew asks. “I’m not sure if he will, but he may not want to stay here without any other queer folks.”

“Denton and Nadine are both gay,” Cara says.

“No shit! Wow, they really were dummies for staying in Fort Caroline for so long. I’m not sure if that makes me madder or if I feel bad for them now. Dammit, Cara, why do you have to make me feel solidarity with them?”

I take a deep breath and say what I’ve been gearing up to all afternoon.

“I’m not going to Henri’s with you.”