5. Tammy

CHAPTER 5

TAMMY

Sunday was a write-off. After a terrible night's sleep, I was groggy and grumpy… and I took it out on poor Kai. He basically stopped talking, which is what he does when he's stressed, and that made me worried and miserable.

Hudson texted incessantly until I lost it and sent back:

CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE ME SOME FUCKING SPACE? I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW! YOU CHEATED ON ME! I CAN STILL SEE YOU IN THE SHOWER WITH HER!

He went dark after that. It's been a nice reprieve… but also unsettling. I've never felt more alone in my entire life. That isolation ate at me throughout the day. Kai watched way too much TV and turned into a demon child by the afternoon. I managed to get my shit together enough to take him to a playground so he could burn off some steam, and then we ate in a run-down diner with crappy decor and the best food. Too bad my appetite was nonexistent. I forced down half a sandwich and a few fries. I really hate wasting food, but my stomach just couldn't take it.

And now we're on the road again. After a second shitty night, I got up this morning and made the call I'd been too afraid to make.

The phone rang three times before a gruff voice answered, "You got George."

"Hey, Mr. Brown. It's Tamara Tan. Do you remember me?"

He chuckled. "Of course I do, kid. I still live next door to your parents."

I winced, feeling like an idiot, wondering just how badly my voice was shaking. Did it match the trembling in my stomach?

"I was just thinking about Baxter and wondering what he's up to these days."

There was a pause that made my nerves burn. "Really?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, he was my best friend through middle school and… high school." My voice went wispy, and I had to clear my throat. "I'm on a little road trip with Kai and thought if he was still in Nolan, I might swing past and say hello. But he would have graduated by now, right?"

"Yeah. Finished up college this year."

"Oh, okay." My head started to pound in time with my heart. "So, where'd he end up, then?"

Another pause.

I held my breath.

"He's still in Nolan. Doing some building at the Ponderosa Countryside Villa."

"Oh, wow. Building. He always used to love working with you in the summer." I couldn't help my smile. Baxter had always been good with his hands.

A memory flashed through me, and I cut it off before it could fully form. I couldn't think about his hands in that moment.

Shit, I probably shouldn't have even been calling.

But I did.

And now I'm on the road, driving my son to Ponderosa Countryside Villa and second-guessing myself the whole way.

But where else can I go?

This desire to see Baxter is overwhelming. Growing up, he was always my safety net. And then he was gone, and I mourned him. Shit, I grieved when he left Gladstone. Hudson thought it was because of the unexpected pregnancy and processing that… which, sure I was. But it was losing Baxter that killed me more than anything. I should have known he'd go. He'd been pulling away from me long before I got pregnant. I just didn't think I'd permanently lose him. I thought we'd find some middle ground somewhere, that I'd still see his quiet, sweet smile when I crossed the street.

But he moved to Nolan and never looked back.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Common sense has been my earworm since I turned off the expressway, but do you think I've taken my foot off the gas or even once entertained the idea of turning around?

Nope.

I'm going to see Baxter. Even if it's just for a little minute.

Or a lot of minutes.

However long it takes to figure out what I'm supposed to do now that I know my husband likes to have sex with other women.

Shit, was it just that one?

Or has it been many?

Is he in love with Shower Girl? Or was she some fling… or worse… was he paying her to be there?

Bile surges in my stomach, and I grip the wheel, so caught up in rocking boobs and pinched nipples that I nearly miss the turnoff.

Braking sharply, I swing the wheel right and check the rearview mirror.

"Sorry, buddy. Nearly missed the sign."

Kai gives me a quiet look, then turns to gaze out the window. He's clutching his little panda bear like his life depends on it, and I know he's unsettled right now.

Of course he is.

His mother's acting crazy. Taking him into this foreign territory, crying into her morning coffee, and having shaky phone calls with a man he doesn't even know.

George Brown might still be my parents' neighbor, but I never pop over to see him. Since his wife died, he's really lost his spark. There's no more friendly waving over the fence or popping around with freshly baked cookies to share. It must have been so hard on him, losing Kylie that way and then having Baxter leave for college only weeks later. What a lonely life he must lead.

My chest hurts, and I rub at my collarbone, recalling the end of our conversation.

"Tammy…" He made me stop midsentence.

"Yes?"

"I'm not sure why you want to see my boy again, but please…"

"Please what?"

"I…" He lost his words after that, so I quickly filled in the awkward space.

"I just want to say hi. Catch up for old time's sake. It's no big deal, Mr. Brown. Really."

"It'll be a big deal for him. You were his best friend, TT."

TT.

My heart wept as a wave of nostalgia hit me with a strength I wasn't counting on.

I wanted to tell him that it'd be a big deal for me, too, but I couldn't find the words. Instead, the last thing I expected popped out of my mouth. "If you could not tell my parents about this, I'd really appreciate it."

He sighed. "I know they never liked my boy."

I winced.

"I barely speak to your folks these days. They're quite involved in the church, and well… you know how it is."

"I do," I croaked, hating his underlying tone and all it meant. I didn't want to think about my parents and what they'd have to say about any of this.

Kylie Brown was a free-spirited hippie in their eyes. They didn't like the cavalier way she embraced life and raised her child with no obvious rules or restrictions. They didn't like that her son was my best friend.

They didn't like a lot of things.

They still don't.

Which is why I'm in no rush to tell them that I'm traveling all the way to Nolan, Colorado, to see my old friend. To maybe even seek shelter with him while I try to figure out what to do with their daughter and grandson.

I brake at the intersection to let a car through before turning left and heading down the country road. It's pretty with the mountains looming in the background—tall, grand, and so majestic. My heart smiles, but it's not enough to get my lips moving.

Two minutes later, I'm pulling into a freshly paved driveway and stopping outside a grand old villa. It's been done up; you can tell by the fresh coat of paint and the new sign.

Grand opening coming soon! is plastered across the edge.

Turning off the engine, I spin to look at Kai. "You ready to explore this big ol' house with me?"

He looks out the window, assessing it in that quiet way of his before nodding.

"Okay." I force a grin, trying to act chipper and upbeat as I stride around the car and help him unbuckle.

He wants to be carried, and I don't fight him on it. I need him in my arms for this.

My legs are shaking as I climb the stairs, my heart now lodged firmly in my throat. I open the front door and struggle to call out, "Hello? Anybody here?"

The entrance is empty. There's a shiny reception desk just in front of me, the wood gleaming with new polish. I run my hand across it and turn to scan the space. Behind me is a large archway that leads into the dining room, and on the other side of the entrance, a wall has been opened up, heading into what looks to be a spacious living area. Plump couches and chairs angle out toward the window, curving around a coffee table that's meant to look old but is obviously new. Everything about this place smells clean and fresh and new.

"Hello?"

I can't hear any bustling feet and suddenly start to worry that no one is here.

But why'd they leave the front door unlocked?

Kai's grip around my neck tightens, and I try one more time before bailing.

"Hello?"

"We're not actually open yet!" a deep voice calls down from upstairs.

I turn to take in the stairwell with its pretty carpeted strip, then lose the ability to breathe as a large, tall man with sandy brown hair and a beard to match freezes on the landing.

Baxter.

Holy crap, he looks good.

He's grown even bigger, broader. That shaggy beard is a trip. I've never seen him like that before, but I know it's him. Those eyes that are drinking me in right now, staring at me like I'm a ghost… I can never forget that gentle gaze.

My heart swells with affection, nostalgia rushing through me in a wave so strong, I'm surprised I don't sway on my feet.

"Baxter Brown." A smile stretches across my face. I can't help it. It's so good to see him, I want to giggle like a schoolgirl.

I want to run over to him, jump into his arms, and give him the tightest squeeze. He gave the best piggybacks when we were kids. I always jumped on him any chance I could… and he caught me every time.

He walks down the last part of the stairs, stopping on the final one and gripping the railing. I can't tell if he's happy to see me, and it kills that euphoric buzz in my chest.

"Hey, Tammy."

His voice. Oh my gosh, it's so deep and manly now.

What do I say to him?

Why can't I form words?

I want to scream and do the happy dance we came up with in seventh grade.

And I also want to curl into a ball and weep.

Baxter finally moves off that last step and inches toward us. He points at Kai in my arms. "And who's this guy?"

"This is Kai." I smile at my son, lightly brushing his nose. He looks a little scared and uncertain. I won't force him to say anything just yet. This is all quite overwhelming. I get it.

"Hey, buddy." Baxter waves at him, and Kai proves my point by gasping and burying his face in my neck.

Maybe it's Baxter's beard. He does look like a bit of a mountain man with that unkempt thing.

I try to come up with an excuse that won't offend anyone. "He's shy." My voice breaks, tears glassing my eyes as I admit, "It's been a rough couple days."

Baxter's expression crumples with a frown as he walks toward us.

"I'm sorry to just show up like this." Great, now I'm crying. I didn't know what I was expecting, really. I just wanted to see a familiar face, and it's taken all of two minutes for me to slip into confession mode. How does Baxter get stuff out of me so easily? He doesn't even have to try.

With a sniff, I keep blubbering, "I can't go home. You know what Gladstone's like. My parents won't understand, no matter what I say… and none of my friends will get it either."

"Tammy, what's going on?" His voice has shifted to that soft, gentle lilt, and I'm done for.

I forget about the fact that Kai is still in my arms. I forget the great divide that formed between Baxter and me all those years ago.

Suddenly, it's just him and me and my personal nightmare.

"Hudson's having an affair."

Baxter's eyes darken, his expression turning hard. I look away from it. He never liked Hudson. I've thought of myriad reasons why, and I've never been able to settle on one. I didn't want to think about what all those reasons could mean, so I just ignored them. Pretended like it wasn't a big deal.

But it was.

Biting my lips together, I will myself to stop crying. "I just need somewhere to lie low for a few days while I figure this out. You were my best friend in high school, and I know we…" My gaze dips to the floor, memories flashing through me like flying photographs. "I mean, we… well, we lost touch… after…" I clear my throat, heat racing through me. "But… I don't know where else to go."

Baxter looks up, his eyes catching mine before he reaches out and brushes the tears off my cheek. The move is so natural. So familiar.

I ache in ways I can't even explain.

"It's okay," he whispers. "You can stay here for as long as you need. We'll find a space for you."

We'll…

I wonder who he means. I wonder if she's pretty and nice and everything he deserves.

My soul feels crushed and wounded as I nod and force a smile. I'm grateful. I really am. And if he's with someone, that's awesome. If anyone deserves to be happily in love, it's him. I just hope she doesn't mind me hanging around.

It won't be for long.

I just need a day or two. Just a small reprieve before having to decide what to do with my life now.

Do I forgive Hudson and head on home?

Or am I about to venture out into this great big world as a single mother?

A young single mother with no money, no work experience, and only a high school diploma to her name.