36. Baxter

CHAPTER 36

BAXTER

"Kai." Tammy's voice is shaking as she steps into the kitchen with a forced smile and holds out her phone. "Your dad wants to talk to you."

Kai jumps off the stool, brushing cookie crumbs off his mouth before taking the phone. He doesn't say anything, just holds it against his ear and listens.

I try to catch Tammy's eye, but she won't look at me. She crouches down beside her son and holds his hand, giving him an encouraging smile.

"Say hi, back. Remember? He can't see your face, so you have to use your voice."

Kai nods but still doesn't talk.

Tammy closes her eyes, dipping her head for a moment. I can feel her pain and frustration from across the room. This situation sucks for her. I can only imagine what Hudson said on the phone—was he mean? Demanding? Or gentle and cajoling?

The guy could sell anything to anyone. Seriously. He'd always been cheesy and persuasive. I used to convince myself that the only way Tammy got with him was because he cast a spell on her and she was swept away by his effervescent charm.

But did she really love him?

My insides twist. I don't want to think about that right now. Tammy and I had the best weekend. She cares about me.

But does she love you?

Or are you just a fling to satiate some long-lost need that wasn't met back at that swimming hole?

With a thick swallow, I turn my back, grateful when I hear the front door open and the guys come in with all their gear. I dart out of the kitchen to help them, only just catching Kai's voice behind me.

"Good… Because a dog lives here. He's barking."

I'm sure Hudson is telling him how cool puppies are and offering to buy him one if he comes back home.

Shit! Is Hudson going to convince Tammy to change her mind about the divorce? Is he going to woo Kai back and make him beg Mommy to take him home?

I'm going to lose them.

I can already feel it coming.

Walking out into the entryway, I watch Casey pick up an excited Fezzik and greet him. Lani appears behind me, and Asher's face lights up. He pulls her into a hug, murmuring something against her cheek.

She starts to laugh. "Just wait until I tell you about my afternoon."

A fresh envy that I've never felt before scorches me.

I want what they've got.

I want to walk in the door and have a woman greet me and offer to tell me about her day.

You did, just before.

Yeah, and then her husband called. And even when he's officially her ex, he's still going to call… because he's Kai's father.

A bitter acid fills my stomach as I walk up the stairs and decide to hide away in my room until dinner. In fact, who needs dinner? Maybe I'll just spend the evening up here. That way I don't have to pretend that I'm fine and nothing is bothering me. Shit, I wish I had the excuse of studying. I used that all the time at Hockey House, hiding away in my room so I didn't have to deal.

I've always been that way. But after Mom died, it got so much worse. She was taken so suddenly that I didn't even know what to do with the pain inside me. Watching Tammy marry Hudson the week before didn't help, and I was sucked into this vortex of despair.

Hiding away is just easier, you know? It takes so much energy to put on a show.

Shutting the door behind me, I flop onto my bed like a starfish, staring at the ceiling I painted over the summer and once again lamenting the past.

* * *

It's dark by the time there's a soft knock at my door.

I'm writing in my journal and am tempted to stay quiet, but after a soft huff, I murmur, "Come in."

Tammy's face appears, her smile gentle and sad. "Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah." I nod, placing the pen between the pages and setting it on my nightstand.

"You were really quiet at dinner."

I shrug, kind of wishing I hadn't gone down after all. Manners forced me to the dining room, so I ate and listened while Casey told stories that made Kai laugh. The kid seriously adores the guy. Rachel ended up telling everyone about Mikayla's hot sauce incident, and I swear the smile on Ethan's face was glowing. He loves how crazy his lil' mouse is. Lani talked about school, and Asher talked about business with Rachel. Conversation flowed all around me, and I sat watching it all like I usually do, trying my best not to look at Tammy, because every time I did, it hurt.

And now she's standing in my doorway.

I beckon her in, because I can't help myself.

She looks soft and vulnerable tonight—her eyes bigger than usual, glinting with a tumultuous look that makes me want to wrap her in a hug.

"You okay?" I ask once the door's shut.

"Yeah, I just settled Kai and thought I'd come up and check on you before going to bed." She tugs on the sleeve of her Tweety Bird pajamas, and I adore her.

I crave her.

I so desperately want to rewrite history.

Her short little toes curl into the carpet as she studies me. I try to keep my expression neutral, but she's always been too good at reading me.

"Hudson's phone call really threw you, huh?"

Clenching my jaw, I look down at my knees and shrug. "Seemed to throw you too. I'm guessing he wants you back."

She lets out a sigh, her lips trembling as she stares at the carpet. "I'm guessing his parents are putting pressure on him to want me back."

I glance up then, checking her eyes for tears, but she just sniffs and shakes her head. "If he cheated on me, then I mustn't have been enough, right? Why isn't he just telling his parents that we're over? Why is he fighting for me?"

It's tempting to tell her it's because Hudson is a complete tool, but I probably shouldn't go insulting the guy to her face.

"Maybe he realizes what a catch you are and that he made a really stupid mistake."

Her expression bunches into a frown. "Are you standing up for him?"

"No." I shake my head vehemently. "I'm just…" I keep shaking my head, then let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. See, this is why it's better not to talk."

Her lips twitch, her dimple winking at me as she tips her head and shuffles closer. Running the back of her knuckles down my face, she then draws her thumb across my bottom lip. "I'd be quite happy not to talk right now."

My hands automatically land on her hips. "Tammy."

"I just want… to be with you. I don't want to think. I just want…" Her lips part, and then she's smiling down at me again. "I just want to play a game."

"A game?" My face flickers with a frown as she finds a perch on my lap, straddling my legs and smelling like heaven and feeling like the world's strongest narcotic. When her arms wrap around me and her tits squish against my chest, I immediately harden in response.

Her lips brush against my ear as she whispers, "Let's play Baxter Says."