28. Baxter

CHAPTER 28

BAXTER

Shit, I'm a douchebag.

No, I'm a fuckwit.

Or maybe I'm just a…

"Coward. You're a coward." Saying the words out loud is like punching myself in the balls.

I plunk onto the edge of my bed, gripping the mattress and swearing under my breath.

"Fuck!" Digging my toes into the rug beneath my bed, I glare at my knees and wrestle with the war going on in my stomach.

Or maybe it's my brain.

Shit, they're both going nuts.

Half of me wants to hide under the covers and never come out.

Another wants to run downstairs and pull Tammy into my arms and promise her that she's the only girl for me. Tell her how much I want to worship her body. Tell her how much I desperately want to be the guy who can make her come… make her feel better than she ever has before.

But what if I can't do that?

I don't know shit.

"Fuck." I squeeze my forehead, my leg starting to bob uncontrollably.

What's she doing right now?

Has she walked out fuming?

She was definitely upset, but was she angry upset or hurt upset?

"Dammit," I softly whine, closing my eyes and hating myself.

If she's hurt upset, I can't live with that.

I have to find out.

Jerking up, I stagger to my door, my legs and brain fighting the whole way down the stairs. I'm about to tap softly on her bedroom door when I hear a thump from the level below.

Holding my breath, I softly descend and soon find her in the kitchen, furiously cleaning kitchen doors and slapping them closed when she's done.

I flinch as another one slams shut, then feel my stomach drop out my asshole when she glances up and sees me.

Her eyes are bright with tears, and my throat starts to ache.

She sniffs, swiping at her cheeks before jerking up straight and throwing the dishrag in the sink.

The silence stretching between us is thick and painful. I need to break it. I need to rip that Band-Aid off and just?—

"What?" she clips, spinning to face me.

Her expression is fierce yet achingly vulnerable, and I just have to fucking say it.

My body revolts against the idea, my stomach twisting into a painful knot as my voice box tries to shut down in protest.

But that look on her face…

"I'm a virgin." The words are ripped out of me by some cruel, invisible force. Maybe it's willpower. Maybe it's just plain stupidity.

But the words are out there now, dangling between us, and I just have to stand here while she lets that sink in.

Her lips part, and she blinks at me like she doesn't understand what I just said.

Great. Now I'm gonna have to repeat myself and… Fuck! Why is this so hard?

"You're… a virgin?" she squeaks.

I close my eyes so I don't have to look at her. Is being a virgin really that bad? Why do people have to make such a big deal about this?

Frustration simmers inside me, but I start spitting out an explanation in spite of my reluctance. "I was so paranoid after our time together that I didn't want to risk…" I pinch my bottom lip. "I felt safe with you… And then it all fell to shit, and I couldn't put myself through that again. So, I haven't dated anyone. I haven't made out with… anyone. I'm…" I huff and dare myself to look at her.

Her eyes are bugging out big-time. "You haven't even kissed another girl?"

I'm not sure if she believes me, but I nod to try and prove my point. Then I shake my head and whisper, "It's only ever been you, Tammy. You're the only one I ever wanted."

I'm pretty sure that death would be less painful than this.

Getting these words out hurts my throat, my chest, my brain.

I want to bail.

She knows now. Can I just run away, please?

I turn to leave.

"No, wait." Her voice is so desperate, like if I walk out of this room, she's gonna start crying again.

So, I force myself to turn and face her.

She's still looking kind of surprised. Maybe it's taking a minute to absorb the shock of my unexpected news. Then her lips curl into the smallest smile, and she starts walking toward me.

It takes everything in me not to step back, to hold my ground when she squeezes my naked shoulders, then settles her hands on either side of my neck.

"You only wanted me," she whispers, her eyes glimmering with tears despite all my efforts.

"Don't cry," I beg her.

"I…" Her breath catches, and then she lets out this soft laugh before pulling my head down to meet her lips.

Our mouths crush together, her arms wrapping around my neck.

And my body responds the only way it can…