27. Tammy

CHAPTER 27

TAMMY

I stay on the kitchen counter, running a hand over my lower lip and willing my heart to slow the hell down.

What just happened?

It's like history repeating itself.

Things get awkward, so he pushes me away, then bolts from the room like sleeping me with is the worst.

He wants me.

I can tell he does, so…

"What the hell is his problem?" Jumping off the counter, my feet land with a smack, and I cross my arms, figuring I can play this one of two ways: pretend like nothing just happened between us… or chase him and force whatever he's feeling out of those stubborn lips of his.

I deserve an explanation, don't I?

I know I screwed things up back then, but he can't kiss me like that and then give me the cold shoulder.

"Dammit," I mutter, spinning for the door and rushing through it.

My feet thump on the stairs, and he can probably hear me coming. I'm nearly out of breath by the time I make it to the top floor. I pause outside his bedroom, resting my hand against my stomach and trying to steel my nerves.

Sucking in a breath, I attempt to regulate my heartbeat before knocking and walking in without waiting for a response.

He's standing by his bed in all his shirtless glory—and I can confirm that yes, he's gotten even stronger and sexier since the swimming hole. Holy shit. I drink in his rigid contours, my lips parting at the defined muscle in front of me.

Everything about him is perfectly sculpted, with a smattering of hair across his chest. I want to run my fingers through it, then follow that line of hair from his belly button down to the top of his belt buckle. I want that thing undone and gone.

Geez, I sound like a horny housewife mooning over some poster boy.

But maybe that's exactly what this is right now, because with a body like that, he could grace every freaking month of a firemen's calendar.

"Tammy, I…" His words trail off, but it's enough to snap me out of my lust-filled stupor.

Blinking, I avert my gaze and give myself a chance to think coherently.

"Please, you should… go to your own bed." He points to the door behind me, looking kind of desperate.

Is he trying to be honorable right now? Is that it?

I shake my head. "You can't just walk away from me like that. It's not fair to kiss me that way and then just bail. I know words scare you and talking about your feelings is terrifying, but I don't care right now. You owe me more of explanation than… I can't. " I give him a pointed look, and he stares at me like I'm holding a gun to his head. Again. He's got that whole deer-in-headlights thing down pat.

What is he so afraid of?

"Is it the marriage thing? Because I love how honorable you are, but?—"

"No, it's got nothing to do with that. I just…" He shakes his head. "I…" He swallows, his eyes gleaming as he opens his mouth, then shuts it again. I can feel his struggle like it's my own, but I'm not letting him off that easy.

"Why can't you, then, Bax? Why?"

"We…" He shakes his head, cringing deeply. "We tried it once before, and it didn't work." Now it's his turn to give me a pointed look. "You don't remember that?"

"Of course I do! It may have been five years ago, but I can still see it— feel it— like it was yesterday." My eyes start to burn, my nose tingling as I cross my arms and try to keep myself together. "Five years. Five years of you not really talking to me anymore." My head starts to bob. "And I know that a lot went down. We've established that you were embarrassed, and then I got with Hudson and—" I squeeze my eyes shut, my voice starting to tremble. "But I made a mistake that day by the swimming hole, okay?"

His head jerks back, his expression crumpling with confusion. " You made a mistake?"

"Yes!" I flick my hands up. "I chickened out, okay? I wanted you so badly, even after you came early. I wanted to know what it'd feel like to… to have our bodies rubbing together. I wanted to feel you inside me. I wanted to be naked with you." His eyes bulge so wide, I think they might drop out of his head. There's no way in hell any words can come out of him now, so I just keep talking. "I wanted you so much that it scared me. And I freaked out and started worrying that if we did it, maybe you wouldn't look at me the same anymore, and all our silly antics and laughter and play would be gone. Maybe our friendship would be over. And then I was like… well, what if we got together and became all romantic?" I cringe, scraping my fingers through my hair. "But then I started thinking… what if we broke up?" Tears line my lashes as I'm taken right back to everything I went through in that moment. "If we broke up, things would never be the same again, and… and I totally spiraled. That's why I got dressed so fast. That's why I told you I wasn't ready. It wasn't because you… came early. That had nothing to do with it."

He's staring at me like he's in a trance, and I wonder if I'm going to have to keep talking, but then he blinks and rushes out a breath. "I thought you were disgusted by me."

"No." I let out a disbelieving laugh. Like I could ever be disgusted by Baxter Brown. My cheeks heat as my voice drops to a whisper. "I guess it was kind of a compliment that I could turn you on like that."

He rubs a hand down his face. "You got so crazy hot that summer. I'm surprised you didn't catch me drooling every time I looked at you."

My lips twitch, and I desperately try—and fail—to fight my grin…

Especially when he rakes his gaze over me and murmurs, "You're still crazy hot."

I bite my lower lip, fidgeting with the cuffs of my sweater and failing to hide my smile. I can't remember the last time anyone made me feel so beautiful. "Is that why you suddenly bailed in the kitchen? Worried I might make you go off early again?" My tone is light and playful, but the way his expression drops makes me wonder if he heard me wrong or… "What did I say? You know I was only teasing. I'm sure you've got amazing stamina now. I'm sure?—"

"Tammy…" He shakes his head, swallowing and looking super uncomfortable. "You're…" He winces and lets out a heavy sigh. "Can you just… go. Please."

What? Why? Why is he doing this?

I want to tell him a thousand times over that I was only kidding. If that would help.

But the look on his face right now is so tortured, and he's turning his back to me again.

Shutting me out like he always does.

My heart sinks, sizzling to ash in my stomach as I quietly spin on my heel and walk out of the room.

Wow, he really is resolved to not want me.

But that can't be right. The way his body responded to mine was a dead giveaway. The man wants me. I can tell.

I pause at the top of the stairs. Maybe I should go back and talk to him again.

He's asked you to leave enough times tonight, Tammy. Just go downstairs, for God's sake!

With a soft huff, I pad back down to the kitchen. I don't know what to do with myself, so I start spraying and wiping down the already clean kitchen counter. Then I notice the smallest mark on the door beneath the sink and decide to wipe down every freaking door in the kitchen.

What the hell else am I going to do?

My chin bunches, those tears I've been fighting threatening to spill free.

I messed up so badly that summer.

And it appears that there's nothing I can do to fix it.