17. Tammy

CHAPTER 17

TAMMY

The summer before senior year…

Baxter left this morning, and I didn't even see him go. I stayed buried under my covers, listening to his family car pull out of the driveway. I cried myself to sleep the night before. I didn't know what to do with all the emotions coursing through me.

He touched my boobs. No one has ever done that before. He kissed me like I was his oxygen. His tongue was warm and delicious. The feel of his strong arms around me, his hand cupping the back of my head, the way his breaths mingled with mine. The hardness of his muscles… and his dick.

It all felt so amazing. Like nothing I've ever experienced.

But then it got awkward.

I've swung from hating myself for kissing him to wishing I'd had the guts to wipe his cum off my face and ask him to touch me some more.

It was a compliment that he came so fast, right? It means I turned him on.

But that thought terrifies me too.

We've been best buds since we were kids. Going all romantic and sexual changes things between us. Suddenly, I was afraid we'd lose what we had and that broke my heart. So I told him I wasn't ready and that his friendship means more to me than anything else.

But I've texted him twice since his car pulled away, and I still haven't heard back from him.

Is he icing me out because I wouldn't put out?

The thought made me rage for a second, then had me crying all over again. Baxter isn't like that, is he?

He's my friend.

My BB.

It's not until after dinner that I finally hear back from him. It's just a boring informative text telling me he's arrived at his grandparents' house. I text back a lame:

Have a good time.

What the fuck?

That's not who we are. All formal and?—

My thumbs hover over the phone screen, trying to think of something cool and funny to stay, but all I can picture is his ashen face as he tried to wipe semen off my skin and then his look of horror as some went into my mouth.

Sure, I didn't love the taste and texture, but that's because it was like nothing I'd tasted before. That gag reflex was more of a shock than anything. I'm not exactly up to the play when it comes to things like sex. Mom isn't open about the topic, my sister and I aren't very close, and my girlfriends get the giggles whenever we talk about blow jobs or orgasms. They're as clueless as I am.

And there's no way in hell I'm telling them what went down with Baxter.

I just need to figure this out.

Everything's going to be okay. I'll leave Baxter alone while he hangs with his grandparents, and then when he gets back, we can put this whole awkward thing behind us.

That's my plan, anyway… until my parents introduce me to the sexiest guy I have ever seen at church on Sunday morning.

His name is Hudson Clark, and he's got a smile to die for. He gazes down at me like I'm pretty and then asks me if he can give me a ride to school the next morning. I say yes without a second thought, and it isn't until I get home and see Baxter's car in the drive that I remember I usually ride with him.

Feeling kind of bad, I text him to welcome him home and then tell him I'm catching a ride with a new friend who wants me to show them around.

I don't know why I feel bad about that, but somehow there's this guilt that burns when I press Send.

Baxter doesn't reply that night. I don't know why, but it hurts, so I get into Hudson's car the next morning and focus on his beautiful smile and the way his eyes track my body.

He makes me feel pretty and wanted. Like I'm something special.

We listen to music on the way to school, and he tells me all about his big shift to Gladstone and how his mother wanted a break from the city. His father is in finance and can work from anywhere, so they made the move.

"Sure, it's hard leaving all my friends for just the last year of high school, but family first, right?"

He beams at me, and I feel my heart swelling and pulsing in time to the beat of the radio. He's so gorgeous and dreamy and obviously sweet.

We end up spending the day together. I walk him to the office so he can finish his registration, and then I volunteer to show him around the school. I introduce him to all my friends. They instantly love him.

Except Baxter.

He shakes Hudson's hand but doesn't smile.

He nods at Hudson's introduction but doesn't offer anything about himself, and it pisses me off.

Why does Baxter always have to be so shut off all the time?

I frown at him behind Hudson's back, and he just gives me a sad smile and walks out of the cafeteria without a backward glance.

I can't even describe the emotions running through me right now. On the one hand, I've just met a guy who's giving me major butterflies and love bubbles. On the other, I'm watching the person I thought would be my friend for life walking away like I mean nothing to him.