16. Baxter

CHAPTER 16

BAXTER

The summer before senior year…

I've never felt humiliation like it.

This can't be happening.

I gape at my semen on Tammy's face. I gape at her surprised look of horror.

Oh fuckity-fuck!

Swiping at her cheek, I desperately try to get that white goop off her skin but accidentally push some of it into her mouth.

Shit!

She makes a gagging noise, wiping at her lips while I try to clean my hands on the grass. She's still straddling my legs, her boobs heaving as my dick gets limper by the second.

This is a nightmare. What do I say? What do I do?

I'm so fucking embarrassed!

Do I say that to her? Just own this shit or…?

She reaches for her bikini top, scrambling off my legs and turning her back so she can retie it. Her hands are shaking. So are mine. I wrestle my shorts back up and can't think of one fucking thing to say. My mouth keeps opening to fill this awkward silence, but no words are coming out.

"Um…" Tammy glances over her shoulder, her smile tight and fake. "We should probably get home soon, right? Before it gets… dark." She looks up at the sky, and we both cringe. Sunset is hours away. Neither of us are due home anytime soon. She's bailing—as fast as she can.

I want to make it easy on her, but then I also don't.

We should talk about this.

But… I still can't think of anything to say. My throat is so swollen, I'm struggling to swallow, let alone form words.

Our eyes connect, but only for the briefest second.

I stare at the water, wanting to dive back into it and hide beneath the surface.

"I'm, ummm… damn, this is so awkward." Tammy covers her face, then runs a hand over her head. "I think maybe I'm not ready for this."

"To talk?" I mumble.

"No. Sex. I'm not ready for sex yet. I don't know what came over me just then. Maybe curiosity or…" She points to the swimming hole behind her. "Maybe there's something in the water." Her laughter is soft and pitiful. "I just think… well, you and I are probably better off as friends, you know?"

She rests her hand on my leg, and I flinch away from her touch. I didn't mean to—it just happened.

Curling her fingers into a soft fist, she rests it on her knee and stares at the grass. "We shouldn't cross that line into something more. It won't work. You're too good of a friend, you know? I don't want to lose that."

"Yeah," I croak. It's all I can manage. I want to tell her she's wrong, that I've loved her for years and it could totally work. We don't have to have sex yet, but I could be her boyfriend. Can't I just hold her hand and call her mine? That would be more than enough.

I've wanted that for so long, and now is the perfect chance to tell her that we can be friends and more .

But I can't do it.

She wants out of this awkward situation.

She wants friendship and nothing more.

I'm gutted.

It makes it impossible to look at her as we pack up our stuff. Thank God I'm going away tomorrow.

As much as I love her company, I want to get as far from her as I can right now.

Shit. I came on her face.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

It just happened before I could stop it, and now I've ruined everything between us.

We could have gone all the way if I'd been able to control myself.

My insides shrivel as we walk back home not saying anything to each other. It's the longest march of my life. When we reach our houses, there's no standard high five or secret handshake. We just give each other one long, last look and don't even say goodbye.