Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Jess was back in her least favorite place in the world—the chip aisle.

She was trying her best to be gentle with the bags she placed on the shelves, but when her mind drifted to her conversation with Charlie the night before and the fact that she wouldn't even get a scrap of a vacation this year, some of those bags took the brunt of her anger. She sighed, and rearranged them so they weren't the first ones customers grabbed, then closed her eyes. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Charlie had still been tucked up on the couch when she left that morning, hugging a throw pillow to his chest, a blanket tossed to the floor. She'd had her moments when she wanted to throw Charlie to the couch for the night, but he always said something to her that made her soften and forgive him.

Not last night though. He hadn't even tried to fight her, and she didn't care.

Maybe because deep down, in her heart, she was giving up. And maybe there was a part of him that felt the same way, too.

"Jessie?"

Her eyes flew open at the sound of that soft, familiar female voice. The voice that reminded her of whipped cream or meringue—light and soft and pillowy. Like it came from the clouds.

Jess turned to find her sister standing there. She was wrapped up in a pink checkered coat, wearing black leggings tucked into white workout socks and comfortable-looking sneakers, her soft blonde hair pulled back in a low ponytail.

But it wasn't her outfit that made Jess stare with eyes wide at the sister she hadn't seen in years. It was her round belly.

Jess sucked in a breath. "You're pregnant."

Dakota gave her an impish smile. "Four months."

"Wow," she breathed. "That's just—wow. Congrats, sissy."

Jess watched her sister wince at their familiar nickname for each other. The word rolled so easily off her tongue, yet it tasted stale in her mouth.

"Jasper?" Jess asked in a whisper.

"Is the dad, yes," Dakota said. "We're also, um—"

She didn't finish her sentence, but instead, held out her left hand. Jess stared down at the glistening princess-cut amethyst stone on her ring finger.

Jess stared wide-eyed, and her sister's eyes flooded with tears. One sprung free and trickled down her cheek.

"When we found out, Jasper proposed immediately," Dakota explained, pressing the tear into her cheek with the palm of her hand. "We had been talking about getting married for a while anyway. This little one clearly wanted us to move things along."

"And you're happy about it, yes?" Jess asked, feeling her defenses flare up for her older sister.

Dakota's mouth split into a grin. "Over the moon."

Jess exhaled and nodded, not sure what else to say, her insides tossing and turning over the revelations. How much she'd missed because she was no longer part of their lives.

"We're going to wait until next year for the wedding, get settled first," Dakota explained, instinctively rubbing her belly.

"Are you guys in town now?" she asked, curiosity getting the best of her.

"Not…yet," Dakota answered, the tone of her voice apprehensive. Jess knew there was more she wasn't saying. "We sold the condo in Stamford."

Jess's mouth flew open. "You owned a condo?"

Dakota shifted on her feet. "Yeah, I guess you wouldn't have known that either."

Her heart twisted in her chest. There was so much she didn't know. But then the thought of that night after graduation came flooding back to her, and she clenched her fists. She knew this wasn't all on her. So why did it always feel like that way?

"They miss you, by the way," Dakota said softly, like she could read her mind. "You should…you know…"

Jess glared at her. "No."

"Sissy." The word causing her sister's face to twitch when she said it. "Just, please—"

"It's been almost five years," Jess said sternly. "And not once have they reached out."

It was her deepest, darkest wound that continued to fester and suck the life out of her. During that first year in the apartment, when Charlie came home on his college breaks and they'd spend a blissful week or two together, he'd say the same thing over and over. They'll come around, Jessie. Give them time.

But slowly, as time ticked by and the seasons blended into each other, he stopped saying it, like he'd finally come to the same conclusion she'd already made in her heart. They would never come around. They would never try to win her back.

She hated that what happened between her and her parents also meant blocking out her sister. It made sense at the time; she'd taken their side. But now, with Dakota in front of her with that beautiful round belly and the ring that sparkled like hope under the fluorescent lights of Post Road's godforsaken chip aisle, Jess felt tired of pushing her away. She missed her sister—and she needed her.

"Can I see you again?" Dakota asked softly. "Coffee, maybe?"

Jess opened her mouth to try to fight her on it, that old feeling of frustration withering in her gut whenever Dakota tapped into their bond—that old ability her big sister had of reading her. But they were adults now, and her sister was extending an olive branch to her.

She let out a soft breath. "Okay."

"Text me," her sister replied. "It's, um, the same number. Nothing new there."

Jess nodded.

Dakota shuffled around her and her cart, heading for the checkout line. "You look—"

Jess frowned, staring down at her hands. Like shit? I know , she thought. She examined her uneven fingernails, pale and devoid of any color, hiding her disappointed expression so her sister couldn't read that, too.

"It's good to see you, sissy," Dakota said instead. She turned quickly and walked down the aisle, leaving a trail of peppermint and vanilla behind her. Jess closed her eyes and felt a pang at the memories it evoked.

She turned back to her cart, carefully lifting a bag of chips and placing it on the shelf, letting tears run freely down her cheek for the first time in a very, very long time.

Pregnant. Marriage.

The two words swirled around in her head, the image of her sister wrapped in that pink coat always at the forefront of her mind. More importantly, the idea that she got pregnant , and then Jasper proposed, and Dakota was thrilled about it.

What if I woke up one morning and found out I was pregnant , she asked herself. Intimacy between her and Charlie had ground to a near halt, but it only took one slip-up for the little stick to show two pink lines instead of one, and the idea made her stomach roil. Would Charlie propose like Jasper did? There was a period of time when all she could think about was Charlie getting down on one knee, but somewhere along the way that daydream had transformed into a pipe dream—one she'd eventually given up on. Now the idea made her bitter and mad…especially if the only reason he did it was because she got knocked up.

She knew it wasn't like that with Dakota and Jasper. They met in their freshman year at Boston University, the same year Jess started high school, and Dakota had fallen head-over-heels. Jess thought back to that first holiday break, how Jasper drove three hours from his hometown to see her and have dinner with them. Jess sat there and watched the way Jasper's eyes sparkled every time they drifted to Dakota, wondering if Charlie also looked at her that way.

Jess had been with Charlie just as long as Dakota had been with Jasper, and yet everything felt starkly different. Dakota was still clearly in love and happy. Why didn't she feel the same way?

She couldn't seem to get her mind off the image of Dakota's smiling face and rounded belly, even as she sang "Happy Birthday" to Melanie and sliced the cake for everyone—a double layer with Strawberry and Birthday Cake ice cream for Melanie and Duncan's favorite flavors, trimmed with purple frosting. She knew she had to really be out of it when Kevin's goading over her uneven slices didn't rile her.

Now the whole group sat on the porch, lazy and content after demolishing the cake, watching as the sun slowly dipped below the bay. A black convertible pulled up in front of Melanie's cottage in Sandy Cove, and Jess peered over to see Zach smoothly stepping out of his car and locking it.

Blake yelped at the sight of his boyfriend and bolted, hopping down the stairs and snaking his arms around Zach's shoulders so he could reach up to him for a kiss. The sight of them made her heart twist, made her think of Dakota and Jasper, of Calvin and Melanie wrapped up tight on the porch swing next to them.

"Must be nice," she hummed to herself, not realizing how loud she said the words. She ignored the way Kevin awkwardly shifted next to her.

"You could just break up with him," Calvin responded.

And take us up on your offer , Jess finished for him in her head. She curled her hands into fists, wondering if the reason she was questioning her relationship so much was because of them.

Her phone rang in her pocket. She grumbled when she noticed it was Charlie, but was happy to have an excuse to step away from her loved-up friends. "Speak of the devil."

Jess entered the cottage, pressing the phone to her ear. "What?" she answered.

"Jessie, hi!" Charlie said cheerfully. They still hadn't talked about their fight a few weeks ago, and now Charlie was off on his family vacation in the Cape. Without her. And sounding like he was having fun, no less.

She took a deep breath, forcing herself to be civil. "How's the Cape?"

"Cold right now, but beautiful," he said. "Not the same without you here though."

"Yeah, I'm sure," she gritted out.

Jess heard the porch door swing open and turned abruptly. She saw Kevin step inside, Calvin at his heels. She frowned, rolling her eyes as she turned away from them.

"Hey, so I was talking to my dad," Charlie said. "He was wondering when you were going to send rent for April? He said you're usually good about it so he was surprised it didn't roll through.

Jess froze. "What do you mean send rent in? I thought you said you had it handled."

"Wait, what?"

She removed her glasses and rubbed her face with the back of her hand. Thank god she couldn't afford makeup anymore, because she would just be smearing it down her cheeks for the number of times she did this in a day. "You told me you would handle all of April's rent, remember? After you watched me eat grilled cheese for breakfast over a pile of unpaid bills?"

Jess slid her glasses back on and noticed the way Kevin cocked an eyebrow at her. She heard him mutter something under his breath that sounded like, For breakfast?

"Oh, I, well—" Charlie spluttered, hesitating.

Jess waited for one beat, then two, hoping he would remember. Praying that he would offer to do so anyway.

But after an uncomfortably long silence, she shook her head. "Charlie, I have to pay my portion for May in a couple of days. I can't pay double the amount, I don't have the cash."

Jess watched as Kevin and Calvin looked at each other—damn them and their silent exchanges. She shook her head and stepped away, walking toward the kitchen sink.

Laughter sounded on the other end of the phone at something someone said. Her stomach churned as she wondered what was so funny. Wondering if she was the cause of that laughter.

"Look, Jessie, I gotta go. I already gave him my half, and he says you can send the rest with your May payment."

She blanched, unable to form sentences, unable to defend herself. Paying rent for April and May was going to clear out everything she had in her checking account, and Post Road wasn't paying her again until next Thursday.

"Love you!" he chirped, then dropped the line.

Jess just stood there in a daze, looking at the lock screen of her phone, her wallpaper a picture of kanelbullar she made two months ago that she was particularly proud of.

She felt a soft hand on her shoulder. "Hey, you okay?"

Her gaze drifted to Kevin's wavy locks and the hazel eyes that looked intently at her. Her gut reaction was to brush him off. But his hand on her shoulder felt like an anchor as she battled the anxiety building up in her chest. As if he knew, he gave her a gentle squeeze, waiting patiently for her breathing to slow. She simply shook her head in response, and he squeezed her shoulder once more.

Jess looked past Kevin and realized Calvin was already back on the porch, leaving the two of them alone in the cottage.

"What can I do to help?" Kevin asked her softly.

"Do you have eighteen hundred dollars?"

Kevin let out a low whistle. "Jesus, I wish."

Jess grimaced, feeling embarrassed over hearing how desperate her voice sounded. But he didn't seem to care, his thumb brushing up her shoulder, down to her collarbone, and back.

She was afraid to look into his eyes, afraid of what she would find there. "I know what you're thinking."

"You do, do you?"

"You want me to take you up on the offer."

"And why won't you?"

She finally looked at him, that lock of hair now tucked behind his ear. "Because I can't leave him, Kevin. I can't."

"Jessica—"

"Nine years."

He let out a shaky breath. "I know."

"I can't give up after nine years. "

"It's a long time."

"I don't know anything else," she admitted.

The vulnerability that rolled off her lips surprised her, but Kevin didn't skip a beat. He simply nodded, that thumb still tracing the front of her shoulder, his touch making her skin hum.

Kevin shifted so he was facing her and cupped her other shoulder. "Does that mean the rest of your years have to look the same? You still have a whole lot of life waiting for you, Jess."

"But this is what I thought I wanted for my life. How could I want it so bad then, but want nothing to do with it now?"

Kevin froze then, his thumb no longer tracing her collarbone. "What are you saying?"

She grumbled and shook out of his grasp, stepping away from him. "Nothing. I'm saying nothing."

"That didn't sound like nothing," he said, trailing after her. He reached for her shoulder again, turning her away from the cottage door and guiding her back toward him. "It sounds like you don't want it anymore."

She shrugged him off again. "It doesn't matter," she said pointedly.

"Why not?" he pushed. "Why does it not matter?"

"Kevin, seriously, I get what you're doing," she said, her voice rising. "You want me as your baker for your bike shop so you don't have to move back home. But I need you to back the fuck off ."

Kevin's face fell. Silence lingered between them until the faint sound of the porch door opening roused him back to life. "The bakery isn't to just save my business, Jess."

"It's not? Don't tell me you're doing it for me. "

"So what if I'm—"

Calvin stepped in, placing a hand on Kevin's chest. "Hey, leave her be."

Kevin huffed and shook his head. But instead of storming off, he looked back at her. "Forget me and the bike shop, Jess. What I really want is for you to be happy, and I care about you enough to make sure you get that happiness. Does being with him truly, honestly make you happy?"

Jess scowled, but she didn't have the words to respond. She worried if she tried fighting him, tried pretending that she was happy, the truth would come tumbling out instead.

"I have to go," she grumbled, grabbing her jacket and purse as she headed out the back door, making sure none of the Scoopers on the front porch saw her teary departure. She'd never cried in front of any of them before, and she intended to keep it that way.