Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

They failed three times to hail a cab, distracted by their hands and mouths and teeth. Eventually the bouncer cursed and hailed one for them, opening the cab door and pleading for them to please take that somewhere else.

Kevin pulled Jess into the cab by her waist, telling the driver the address of the hotel before pressing his mouth back to hers, extracting soft moans from her lips like they were candy.

The cabbie chuckled. "Looks like someone is having a good night."

Kevin grinned wildly. "The best night of my life, actually!"

Jess licked down his neck and sucked on his tattoo.

He mewled. "Jessica, you're killing me."

Her lips curled into a smile. She nipped on his ear. "Good."

The cab pulled up to the hotel moments later, and after an elevator ride where they miraculously remained clothed, they were at the front door of their room. Kevin pressed her up against it and sucked on her bottom lip as he reached into the back pocket of his jeans for the key.

"Are you on the pill?" he mumbled. "If not, I need to go to the store…"

She smirked wickedly at him. "Why, thought you wouldn't get lucky?"

"Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would get this lucky."

She rolled her eyes, a smile still on her lips. "Yes, I'm on the pill."

He unlocked the door with a tap and a soft click. He cradled her waist and guided her deeper into their room, his kisses wild and hungry. "I've thought about this so, so much."

"And is it everything you imagined?"

"My imagination didn't even scratch the surface."

Jess rocked to her tiptoes and ran a hand through his hair again, wanting to tug it, like she always imagined. But her fingertips got caught in knots, his hair unruly and sticky from the beer.

She pulled back and loosened her grip, watching his cheeks flush.

"Maybe I should take a quick shower first," he whispered.

Her back straightened. She planted her feet back on the carpet. "Yeah, okay sure."

He pushed her to the wall and kissed her neck. "Two minutes. Don't change your mind, okay? This is a good thing."

He stepped back and snatched one of the clean towels, then disappeared into the bathroom.

She sighed and plummeted backward onto one of the beds, arms stretched wide. It is a good thing , she thought. He is a good thing.

Jess sat up and began unbuckling her sandals as her phone made a chirpy ding next to her. She paused her unbuckling and flipped her phone on the bed to see the screen, then froze.

Jessie, I can't do this anymore. This is too hard. I need you.

A chill rippled down her spine as she stared at Charlie's name at the top of the thread. It was her first time hearing from him since she walked out. She couldn't help feeling disappointed that he'd never stopped in at the bakery, didn't try to show face or text her congratulations or something. But she also wasn't surprised. Charlie didn't think much beyond himself and his needs. She learned that long ago, when he left for college and stopped by to see her only when it was convenient for him.

"Everything okay?"

Jess looked up at Kevin. His face was twisted with concern, probably at whatever shocked look was currently on her own. She scanned his face, her eyes landing on a lock of wavy wet hair curling at the center of his forehead, tiny droplets trickling down his nose.

"Y-yes," she lied, her voice cracking. "All good."

He brushed a hand under her chin, guiding her gaze to those hazel eyes. "Did you change your mind?"

The Jess before would have said yes , would have never put herself in this position in the first place. She would have run to Charlie, given him what he needed, sacrificed for him…then sacrificed some more. Because it's what you did in a relationship. You gave yourself up for another.

But this Jess was different. A little selfish. New. Brave.

She silenced her phone and tossed it to the other bed, then tugged on the towel at his waist, letting it fall to the floor. "No," she purred. "Like you said…this is a good thing."

Kevin removed her clothes at the speed of light, his hands roaming her body and his mouth tasting her like she was the dessert he'd been craving. When he was done ravishing her, her body quivering with desire, they finally came together. And oh my , Jess thought. This is, in fact, a very, very good thing.

It was far too late to be up; Jess was used to early nights and early mornings now that she ran her own bakery. But a single time with Kevin didn't quell the deep hunger she had for him. So they kept thoroughly exploring one another with their hands and their mouths.

Jess lay in bed, lazy and content, her hand splayed on his chest. She kissed the tip of an ivy leaf on Kevin's pec and rested her chin there. "Tell me about your tattoo."

He twirled a piece of her hair with his fingers. "It's a reminder that home isn't just a place, that I can find it anywhere. As long as I'm brave enough to seek it."

She smiled. "Your mom taught you a lot about bravery."

"She gave me the confidence to say what I feel. To allow myself to be soft when the rest of the world tells me I need to be hard."

She traced a finger up the vines to his neck. "I like that. I like her."

"I like you ."

Her chest expanded with joy. "I think I might like you, too."

He grinned and pulled her closer, skin to skin. "Looks like someone is learning how to be brave, too."

"Trying to be," she whispered, a soft confession only for him. He was the only person she felt like she could be brave with.

He planted a soft kiss on her temple.

She hummed. "Okay I'm exhausted. Get out of my bed."

" Dammit! "

She smirked. "Thought you could change my mind with your hot body and naughty mouth?"

"Told you I wouldn't need to watch it." He smirked, nuzzling his nose in her neck.

She wiggled her toes, a smile on her lips thinking about his mouth.

He looked at her with puppy-dog eyes. "Please don't make me get into a cold bed."

She sat up and gave him a playful little wave.

"You suck," he grumbled, throwing his legs over the edge. He tore the duvet off the other bed and climbed in.

"I certainly did."

He choked at her comment, then turned off the light.

Jess blinked her eyes open the next morning, listening to the sounds of rumbling trucks and distant honking horns and sirens. She rolled over and glanced at Kevin, who was starfished on the bed—legs and arms wide, head turned to the side, smiling in his sleep. She snickered and snatched her phone to take a picture of how blissful he looked in that bed alone , and made a note to make fun of him later. But when she tapped her screen, her heart sank. Three missed calls from Charlie, and another text.

Please call me. Let's talk about this. I want to make it work. I'll do anything, Jessie.

Her chest tightened as she thought about Charlie, probably all alone in Garrison in a new apartment doing whatever fancy new job his father lined up for him. His family was probably thrilled that Jess was no longer in the picture, but she realized then that she hadn't put a ton of thought into how Charlie was doing. That maybe it wasn't all on him to reach out; she was just as guilty for not checking in on him.

She waited for the guilt to come, waited for that gnawing feeling of doubt about leaving him and starting a bakery and hooking up with someone else. But that feeling never came; she still felt content in her choices. She still felt content after taking Kevin up on his offer and leaving Charlie behind.

Then her mind reeled back. She hooked up with someone else. It felt monumental for her, a huge new step into claiming her life again.

Except if she was being honest with herself, being with Kevin didn't feel like a hookup. It felt like joy. It felt like comfort. It felt like that first bite of a sugary pastry or slicing into freshly baked bread. He made her feel elated, excited, inspired. He made her feel seen. He made her feel—

Movement from the other bed pulled Jess from her thoughts. She peeked over her phone screen and watched as Kevin stretched with a big, satisfied yawn, then relaxed again in the bed, hands perched under his head.

She smiled and placed her phone down, then rolled out of her bed and peeled back the cover of his. She crawled in and swung a leg across his torso, kissed up his neck to his ear. "Good morning," she whispered.

Kevin's smile grew bigger at the sound of her voice. He traced lazy hands to her hips, then in one swift movement he tightened his hold and flipped her over so he was on top of her, making her squeal. He brushed the hair away from her face. "Good morning, my dear Jessica."

She shook her head, willingly let the smile bloom on her face. "Can't you think of a new nickname?"

" Never ."

She rolled her eyes. "I feel like I need a nickname for you, then."

"I like when you call me Kev," he admitted, kissing her cheek. He brushed a hand up her side, goose flesh dotting her skin from the feel of his fingers on her.

"Not Kevvy Bear?"

" Stop that ."

She grinned. "Kev doesn't have the same ring to it, though."

"Fine, then you can call me daddy ."

"Anddddd you took it too far."

He cackled, sliding his body next to hers and curling his arm around her waist. "As much as I would love to fully explore the fact that you crawled into my bed without clothes on, we do have things to do this morning…"

She pouted. "But those things aren't as fun."

He smiled, kissing her neck. "Then I guess if you would rather stay here instead of getting a New York bagel then learning how to make egg tarts at a culinary school—"

She ripped off the blanket and jumped out of bed.

Kevin chuckled. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

After demolishing bagels with lox and large cups of coffee, Jess followed Kevin as they ventured through the subway down to the financial district.

He held her hand the entire time.

They walked through the doors of Brookfield Place and up the stairs, leading to the entrance of the Institute of Culinary Education. Her mouth dropped open as Kevin showed the concierge the tickets on his phone, and they were led over to a set of elevators.

He curled a hand around her waist and kissed the top of her head. "Is touching you like this okay?" he whispered.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Because I wasn't sure how far we were taking this whole hookup game."

She looked into his eyes. "Who said it was a game?"

The elevator dinged and the doors flew open. Jess stepped out of his grasp with a smirk, watching the way Kevin rubbed his neck and dipped his head low to hide his smile.

A student near the door pointed them to their classroom. Jess snatched Kevin's hand and pulled hard as they stepped into the industrial kitchen.

The instructor stood by the door with a big smile. "Welcome to the Institute of Culinary Education! Please take a folder and an apron and find an open seat."

Jess froze when she looked down at the aprons. "Oh."

She felt Kevin place a hand on her shoulder, his lips grazing her ear. "Don't worry, sweetheart, I didn't forget."

She turned to him and looked down at a familiar denim apron in his hand.

Jess grinned, and without thinking about who was watching or what they thought, she got on her tiptoes and kissed him on the lips. "You know me so well."

He blushed as he unfolded her apron and placed it over her head.

The two walked side by side in the early afternoon sun hours later. Jess took a bite of the Portuguese egg tart in her hand, the other wrapped around Kevin's waist. His arm was slung around her shoulders, and he was holding a paper bag with their leftover pastries from class. She held up the pastry to his mouth and he took the last flaky bite, licking her fingers and humming in approval.

"Think you'll want to sell pasteis de nata at the bakery?" he asked.

"Maybe, we'll see," she said. "This feels like a treat that would be great for fall or winter. I have more things I want to do with fruit before they're out of season."

"Like what?"

"Peach streusel muffins, triple berry crisp, lemon tartlets—"

"I love it when you talk pastry to me."

She bumped his hip. "Where are you taking me now?"

"Lunch. There's this place in Little Italy that apparently sells the best meatballs in the city, but there might be a line…if you don't mind getting back home a little later."

She leaned her cheek on his shoulder as they came to a stop at an intersection, waiting to walk across the street. "I don't mind."

Kevin stepped aside from the bustling city goers and slipped a hand behind her neck. He pulled her close, brushing his nose against hers. His thumb traced behind her ear and down her neck. She sighed and hooked a finger through the belt loop of his jeans, pulling his body closer.

"I'm usually not one to crave physical touch, but I missed this," she admitted. "I missed your hands."

"I missed touching you," he whispered back, pressing his forehead against hers. "Can I touch you like this when we get home?"

She looked into his eyes. Her head screamed no , running through the ticker tape of all the reasons why she shouldn't allow this. She finally felt independent, making decisions for herself and no one else. She had a bakery to run and a dog to take care of and a car to repair and money to save so she could eventually get her own place. For the first time in nine years, she felt free.

And yet…her heart was telling her yes. To take hold of what felt good, to be with a person who made her feel alive.

"Yes," she exhaled. "Yes, I want that."

He grinned as he leaned all the way in, then pressed the most precious kiss to her lips. This kiss wasn't desperate with want like last night, but slow. Caring. Patient. Lovely.

He pulled back, planting soft kisses on her lips before wrapping her up in a hug, resting his chin on the top of her head.

She glanced at their hotel up the block. "Do you want me to send you some money for the room?"

"Nah, sweetheart, I got it."

She hesitated, then took a step back. "You know, I am curious. How did you afford this trip?"

He shrugged. "Don't worry about it, I have it under control."

Jess bristled. "I don't like that answer. You promised no secrets."

Kevin lifted his brows, then put his hands on his hips. "Okay well, if you must know, I put it on my credit card."

She felt the world slow around her at the sounds of those three very, very familiar words. My credit card. Suddenly everything around her was spinning—the hot dog cart and the dog walker with ten different leashes and the yellow cabs. Her body tilted to the side. She felt like she was going to faint.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Kevin said. He grabbed her elbow and held her steady. "Jess, breathe. In and out."

She did. In and out. In and out. But the dizziness didn't go away, the crushing feeling in her chest tightening.

He squeezed her elbow. "What's wrong? Talk to me."

"Do you have the money? Can you afford this right now, or are you going into debt?"

Kevin puckered his lips, then frowned.

She scoffed, stepping out of his reach. "You broke both of your promises to me. You said no more debt."

"Jess, it isn't that much! I will be able to pay it off in a few months."

"A few months ?" She was reeling. Was this really happening all over again?

"I don't understand why you're upset about how I handle my money."

"He did this all the time," she admitted in a rush. " All the time. He didn't worry about money or savings and charged his card, never worried about where the money would come from or who would pay. Never thought about how much I was struggling to keep up with it all."

"I am not Charlie. And it's not fair for you to compare me to him."

"But it is fair for me to consider all of this if I'm going to get involved with someone," she spat, the sound of her voice causing tourists to turn their heads. "I can't be with someone who is financially irresponsible again."

" Irresponsible ?"

"You know what, I'm not hungry," she said in a huff. She turned and started up the street toward their hotel. "Let's get our bags and go home."

"You can't walk away from this conversation, Jess. We need to talk this out."

She flicked her hand. "No need, I already made my decision."

They didn't look at each other for the remainder of the day, from the train ride back to Connecticut and the car ride to Haverport. He didn't even say goodbye as he got out of the car when she dropped him at his apartment, the slam of the door the only sound shared between them.