Chapter 5

"WHAT WERE you and Devon talking about?" Garvin asked once William paused in his eating. William was usually a fastidious eater, so to have him practically shoveling in his food meant he must really be hungry.

He swallowed. "His art. I have one of his pieces, and he said it was the view from over by the library. It's my favorite. I guess I knew he lived up here. But I never made the connection until a few minutes ago." He cut off another piece of his small venison steak. Blacktail deer were common throughout the state, and Enrique must have gotten one in recently.

"That's cool. I see he got you some winter gear. Does that mean you'll be staying longer?" Part of him wanted William to stay, and another part—the one built of years of habit and keeping himself locked away—wanted something else.

"I came all this way, and…." He set down his fork. "Dang, that's good. A little peppery, but tender."

"It's venison," Garvin told him.

"Cool. I had that growing up plenty of times." William came from a small town in the upper part of Michigan. Garvin should have known that venison and other game would be familiar to him. "I wish my dad had cooked it like this." He picked up his fork once more. "Look, if you want me to go, then I'll wait until Bob gets the car running and go. I'm not going to stay where I'm not wanted." He leaned forward. "So my staying is up to you." He went back to eating, and Garvin sat back.

This was the moment when he had to decide what he wanted, at least as far as William's visit was concerned. "Then if you want to, you should stay." He didn't want to tell William to go because… well, it was nice having someone around, and he liked William. Sleeping with him last night had been difficult. Honestly, it had been more than that. All night long he'd listened to William's soft breathing, and more than once, hi s scent had filled Garvin's nose, driving him crazy. And yeah, he had to admit that it was difficult trying to go to sleep when his dick throbbed in his sleep pants and there was nothing he could do about it. Having William right there, knowing he was so close and yet keeping to himself, was going to be an exercise in self-control. But having William leave….

"Are you sure?" William asked.

Garvin nodded. "We can contact the rental company to send someone up to get the car."

"That's really something," William said as he went over to watch the snow. "I haven't seen anything like that since I was a kid. We used to get storms that would come through, and I'd look out the front window and everything would be white." Garvin stood next to him.

"I'm going to get your car running before the weather gets too bad." Bob looked huge all bundled up. He went outside, and Garvin shivered just thinking about it.

"How long do you think it will be?" William asked.

"Bob told me he got the block heater running on the car a while ago, so with any luck it won't be too long." Garvin figured he'd go on out and see if he could give Bob a hand just as he came back inside.

"You're good to go. She started right back up. Only problem seems to be that the battery got jolted and it wouldn't hold a charge. It just needed a chance to warm up a little and go back to normal. Plug in the block heater once you get to Garvin's and you should be fine. I brought the suitcases inside to protect them from the cold just in case."

"Thank you so much for everything." William began pulling on the gear he'd worn over. Devon came out with a pair of bags, and once Garvin had his gear on, he placed them in the trunk.

"Would you mind taking Sasha with you?" Garvin asked as William put his purchases on the seat.

"Sure. Come on, Sasha, get inside," he called, and the dog jumped right in back. "I'll follow you to the cabin." William got into the sedan.

Probably the worst kind of vehicle for weather like this—it was so light. No wonder William went off the road. Still, Garvin got on the snowmobile and led the way back to the cabin, taking his time and making sure William was okay.

By the time they arrived, the wind was howling, blowing snow everywhere. Garvin had William cut the engine and then got his car plugged in. Garvin let Sasha inside, and then he and William carried everything into the cabin and closed the door. "I need to bring in some more wood. We're going to need it against this kind of weather."

"I'll get the fire started," William told him, and Garvin went back out into the storm to grab an armful of logs from under the carport. He set it by the door and went for a second load, then a third, before finally going inside, where he stripped off his outer layer.

The fire was already going, and William picked the wood up off the floor and put it in the box before closing the lid. William stripped off his outer gear, and Garvin hung it all up. "Where do you want me to put my stuff?"

"In my bedroom. There's a chest along the far wall. You can use it to put your bags on, and your gear you bought can be hung by the door." While William got situated, Garvin got a pot of coffee going before settling in to grade the last of his papers so he could return them to the kids. He needed to make the most of it in case the power went out.

"So, what do you do out here for fun?" William asked when he came out in heavy sweats and a bulky sweater. "Let me guess, there's another trading post of sorts twenty miles up the road, and you all pile in trucks and go up there for kicks."

"Smartass… and the next place is fifty miles north, or you can go into Palmer or Wasilla. As for fun… well, most of the people out here expend much of their effort ensuring they can survive." He poured William some coffee and carried it over to him. "This is a very different life from the one you lead in LA. Out here we're closer to nature. We don't fight her or try to bend her to our will. Instead we live with her… more or less."

"Really?"

Garvin nodded. "I hunt quite a bit, but my skill tends more toward fishing. I got a bear last year, and my friend Joe helped me butcher it and then prepare the meat properly. It can be very tough, so he showed me how to marinate it and the way to cook it so it both tastes good and gets tender. I told you about my moose. I also hunted caribou and deer, as well as small game. But like I said, mostly I fish in season. The wood we're burning I cut myself. The property goes back quite a ways, and I cut down only selected trees. The rest I let grow."

William slowly sipped his coffee. "And this is the kind of life that you want? You like it here?"

Garvin hesitated and wished he hadn't. "I like it. My life is much simpler than it was… before. There aren't complex motivations, and I understand all the people around me. Bob is a great guy, and he can fix anything with an engine. He keeps all the equipment running for everyone for miles around. Enrique is a born host. He makes sure that we have what we need, and he can get almost anything we want. All we have to do is tell him. Devon… well, he paints, and he makes Enrique happy. He will also lend a hand to anyone who needs it. Last summer he heard I was cutting wood and stopped over just to help out. And me… well, I keep all the computers and electronics running and up to date. If someone has a problem, they let Enrique know, and he tells me. I meet them at the trading post so I can fix it." He shrugged. There was nothing complex or hidden out here. That was part of why Garvin liked it. He'd had enough of complex situations and hidden agendas to last a lifetime.

"I get that everyone works together. I suppose it's a small community up here, especially during the winter." William slid closer on the sofa, his earthy scent driving him a little crazy.

After John died, Garvin had been a complete mess. He hadn't wanted to leave the house for weeks after the funeral. Groceries had been delivered, and he'd stayed at home. He'd withdrawn from everyone and everything. After all, life hadn't been fair in the least. John had been an amazing man—gifted, generous, caring, strong…. He'd also been impatient, and that had driven him all his life. Anyway… after those months of reclusiveness, it had been William who had forced his way in and practically dragged Garvin out for dinner with a group of friends. Garvin hadn't been ready, but then he probably never would have been.

"But is that the reason you stay?" William's question cut through his thoughts .

"What?"

William sat back, his blue eyes watching intensely. "I've known you for a long time. John died almost seven years ago. It took a long time before you rejoined the living, and when you did, it was like you would rather cut everyone off."

Garvin sighed. "As I remember, you wouldn't let me." He wanted to be snarky about it but couldn't. He knew his friends cared, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to be concerned with anything back then. Did that make him as asshole? Probably.

"Is that why you moved out here? You could be alone and withdrawn and no one was going to care?" He sipped the coffee, and for someone who could be so clueless at times, especially about the consequences of his own actions, William sure hit the nail on the head with that one. "Rather than be a part of your own life again—and those of the people who care about you—you just gave up, moved up here, and could spend the rest of your life alone, wallowing in your sea of self-pity."

"Hey," Garvin snapped. "It's my life, and if I want to be alone, then that's my decision."

William leaned closer, his eyes flecked with purple, his gaze growing harder as the wind whipped around the cabin, sending a chill through Garvin. "But what you really want is to have John back, and you can't. He isn't coming back, no matter how long you stay by yourself trying to tell the gods that you're miserable, or something. They don't care, and you can't have John back. It doesn't work that way."

"I know that," he said firmly. "God knows I have wished to have more time with him ever since the day he died right in front of me." Sometimes that day seemed like yesterday, and he was right back there in the pain and confusion, losing the one person he thought he would be able to rely on for the rest of his life.

"Do you? Or are you just stuck?" William asked.

Garvin stood up because he needed to move away from William. "You think you get to come up here, sit on my sofa, and tell me what I'm doing wrong?"

Damn it all, William stayed where he was and seemed calm. "Someone has to." He drank some more and set the mug on the table. "I know you miss John, but it's been a long time. Do you remember what it was like to live with him? What John loved most other than you? Can you remember how he smelled or what he looked like? Or are you grieving and wishing he was here out of habit, or just because you think it's what you have to do?" Garvin thought he was going to explode as William got to his feet. "John was a wonderful friend, the best. He also went, like, a million miles an hour all the time. Do you remember how he could barely sit through dinner? His legs would shake because he had so much energy. His mind went as fast as the rest of him. He threw all he had into everything he did, starting the business, building it into the online powerhouse it still is today… loving you." William looked hurt. "We all miss him. That spirit he had that infected everyone around him."

Garvin's shoulders slumped. "He swept me off my feet after two dates," he remembered. "The two of us struggled together for the first few years, but then John finished medical school. He was a brilliant doctor, an amazing businessman. The practice started off slow at first, but he had a vision. He worked night and day for months to get it off the ground, and once others saw how he did business, they wanted to work with him and the practice grew even more. And yet he always found time for me." He swallowed hard. "John worked hard, but even when we were in school and had just met, he never canceled a date or showed up late. He supported me when I went into teaching." Garvin was tearing up.

"John was so proud of you," William said, and Garvin nodded.

"I made peanuts compared to him, and yet he always told me that what I did was more important. He never missed a function at school." Garvin stared at the near whiteout conditions. "I remember the time he had flown to Tokyo for a huge medical conference that he was supposed to speak at. My kids had a concert that night, and I knew he would miss it. I went to school, helped set up, and got the kids all in place. When we all stepped out on stage, there was John in the second row. I'd never seen him look so happy or so tired, but he clapped and cheered for all the kids, and then the next day, he flew back to Tokyo to speak and bring the international medical conference to a close." Garvin wiped his eyes. "I always knew where I stood with him because John made sure I—"

"John always made you feel like you were the most important thing in his world," William said.

Garvin nodded. "Do you know what it's like to have that and then have it ripped away? To know what true happiness is, and then have it come to an end in your arms?" He shivered and barely noticed as William added more wood to the fire.

"I can't say I do." William closed the stove door. "But I know that John would not like this. He wanted you to be happy. John wanted both of you to be happy, and I just think that would mean you rejoining the land of the living."

Garvin turned around. "And I suppose that means going back to LA?" That was never going to happen. His life there was over, and going back wasn't an option.

"I didn't mean that. But you need to find a way to be happy. To stop living like you expect John to walk thorough your door at any moment and you're just waiting for that to happen." William kept his voice low.

Garvin didn't know how to respond, because at some level he knew that William might very well be right. "How in the hell do you know how I feel?" he snapped.

"Because I miss him too. John wasn't my husband, and we were never lovers, but he was there for me too. You know that John and I knew each other before he met you and that we met in college. It was John who pushed me to go to my first audition. He drove me there and waited outside until I was done. Then he drove me to the next one. I wasn't going to go because I didn't feel well, but he practically manhandled me into the car. I got that job—and the one after it—because of him."

All of a sudden, Garvin could see what William was doing as he stood by the stove, soaking up the heat. He was channeling John. No wonder William seemed different than he usually did. "And now you think you need to return the favor?"

"No. But maybe it's time you came out of your shell and just let yourself live again." William crossed the room and stood right next to him. "God knows I'm not John and can't replace him, but…."

Garvin had had enough of this conversation. When he'd asked William to stay, he hadn't expected a dissection of his entire life to be part of the deal. "How about we let this go. I promise I'll try to… I don't know… get out there and try to live a little more, if you promise not to bring this up for the rest of your visit. Okay? We can just be…." He alm ost said friends , but the word stuck in his throat. William looked stunning in the waning daylight, and as much as he wanted to discount his own feelings, having William here made him happy.

"Okay," William said. If Garvin expected them to shake hands, what he got was a hug that left him breathless and his body on fire, hotter than the flames in the stove. Damn it all, he shouldn't feel this way, but William's hard body against him and the way he seemed so strong and permanent had a wave of excitement running through him. And damned if he didn't feel that same excitement pressed against him.

Garvin backed away. "I should see about dinner." It was early, but he needed to do something to back away from William and this attraction he knew he shouldn't feel… and yet he couldn't help wanting him so damned bad.