4. Jack

Chapter 4

Jack

I can’t believe she said yes to dinner. After seeing her at the school, it took everything in me not to run to her. She still has that thick, wavy brown hair I always loved feeling on my bare chest as she laid next to me in bed. And a body to die for. Long legs that I loved to feel wrapped around my waist and amazing thick hips that fit my grip perfectly. Courtney Becker has curves that I still dream about.

But her eyes, although still that gorgeous chocolate brown with gold specks, seem duller this time around. She has double the stress now being a single parent, and I can’t help but hate myself for doing that to her.

Since Courtney walked out on me five years ago, I haven’t been able to shake her from my thoughts. The problem is, I never did anything to get her back either.

I'm sure she thinks I’ve been living it up in the city, dating and partying, but it’s the furthest thing from the truth. I work twenty hours a day. I fill my time with account after account and earning money to eventually get them both back one day. The guy who took me under his wing and believed in me enough to bring me on as his partner retired eight months ago. He’s young, no older than fifty, and I couldn't believe it when he told me he was leaving.

“I’ve done my time, made my money. I’ve seen everything I could ever ask for, but I’ve also missed out on a lot. My kids are going to college now, and I owe it to my wife to be there with her. She didn’t ask for my crazy work hours or to be left alone while raising our kids. She certainly doesn’t deserve to be alone now that they’re gone.”

He left me all of his accounts to handle and said I was the only one he trusted with them. I was ecstatic until I saw the workload involved. And after hearing his reasons for retiring, it had my mind racing with similar thoughts.

I don’t want to miss out on what’s coming.

But the reasons I don't want to miss out are the same reasons I stayed away. There’s no way I could take care of my son on my own and still work all that I do. And I already proved I sucked at taking care of Courtney. I would never dream of taking him from Courtney, but she won’t move back to New York. So I'm stuck with yearly visits. A few days off at Christmas is the only time the world seems to stop turning so fast and allows me time to come to visit him.

And every time I do, my heart breaks a little bit more. You’d think it would be enough to wake me up. To talk myself into seeing what's really important. I have enough money now I wouldn’t ever have to work again, but I need a time filler too. I can’t not work and not have them either.

But I've done too much damage already, and I fear Courtney will never take me back.

Wintervale is a big change from the city that never sleeps. On plane rides home, I usually find myself wondering if I could make the switch. Could I ever move out of the city and back into a place with a slower pace? I’ve been thinking alot about this and maybe it wouldn’t have to be so slow. The food and shops here are amazing. The Italian place right in the heart of town serves food to die for. And Sweets n’ Spice is the best bakery to get desserts. I’d love to get my hands on those two places; I could really turn them into a huge draw here during tourist season.

And Dress Me Up boutique, owned by Lief and his family, is the whole reason I came early. Lief called me a few weeks back saying the shop was in the red again. He didn’t want to tell his mom yet, but he and January have been talking about closing the place. It's costing them too much to keep it up and running. I’m sure January knows Lief called me, but I had to get a dig in on her yesterday. I hope he told her, at least. Last time he made plans without her, they didn't speak for a year.

Just another self-sabotaging thing I do. Blasting your girl’s best friend is never a way to get her back. But there’s still a lot unresolved between January and me. She was the one to convince Courtney to take my son and move back to Montana, and after that, I refused to give her the time of day. Lief worked his ass off, without January, to pay back the loan, but by doing so, it left him in a hole again. I knew he wasn’t budgeting correctly, but as shitty as it sounds, I couldn’t take time away from the bigger clients to get his ass on track.

It's a family business, and they should have been running it like a family. Instead, he tried to save the day, just like his dad would have done.

And I was in New York instead of helping my friend. Just another fence I need to mend.

Stepping into the warm pizzeria, I shake off the flurries that are sticking to my coat. I thought New York winters were bad, but they've got nothing on this place. I walk to the counter and say, “I called in an order. Fristo?—”

“Jack. We got your order right here.”

I watch the guy turn his back on me and grab my food from the top of the oven. “Pepperoni pizza, two orders of mozzarella sticks, an order of spaghetti and meatballs, and a Caesar salad. Right?”

He turns back to me with an armful of takeout containers and slaps them down on the counter in front of me. “Sounds about right.”

He’s quick to brush me off. “Eighty-seven dollars and thirty cents.” The guy won’t even look at me.

I hand him a hundred-dollar bill and tell him to keep the change. He snatches it from my hand so I have to ask, “Is there a problem?”

He shakes his head quickly. “Nope. Just glad to see you showed up for Christmas,” he snipes out with an attitude, and I want to jump across the counter at him.

“You don’t know me, which means you don’t get to have an opinion.”

He connects eyes with me finally and leans on the counter with both hands. “I’ve got plenty of opinions. That little boy is amazing, and the best thing his momma did was move him back home.” He walks away and to the back before I have a chance at rebuttal.

“Fucking nosey small town.” I grab the food and head back outside looking for Larry, the lone taxi driver in town. Shaking my head at the nonsense, I slide into the back and give him Courtney’s address. His eyes flick to mine in the rearview mirror.

“Guess you already knew that, huh?”

He chuckles and nods his head. “Yep.”

We drive the ten minutes in silence, and when we pull up out front, he only wishes me a good night. Larry is starting to grow on me.

I carefully make my way to the front door on a walk that hasn’t been shoveled, thankful for the winter boots I packed, and Joey flings open the door before I can knock.

“Alright! Pizza!” He pumps his little fist in the air. “Hey, Dad!”

My lips roll inward and I force myself to hold back a tear that wants to fall at the sound of his little voice. “Hey, son.” I bend down to his level. “Help me out and take the top two bags, okay?” He grabs them, and I follow him inside, placing the food down on the small table by the door. I shrug out of my coat, hang it, and kick off my boots, leaving them on the mat.

“Mom! Dad’s here!” Joey goes running down the hall, and I laugh as he skids around the corner and into the kitchen. I take the food and walk down the small, cozy hall that is filled with pictures and low lights. As I enter the kitchen, I’m struck by the contrast to my own. My apartment in the city is all white and stainless steel appliances. This kitchen still boasts the old cabinetry that was here when it was built a hundred years ago, and none of the appliances match. Pictures are hung haphazardly on the fridge and the candle on the table has left a small wax ring from where it was bumped and spilled over.

This house is lived in. Where after six years, mine still looks like a shrine to boredom and loneliness.

Courtney walks around collecting paperwork and piling it to the side while grabbing plates and napkins. “Sorry, I got hung up late at the school and we just walked in. I didn’t have time to set anything.”

I meet her in the middle of the kitchen, taking the plates from her hands. The move catches her by surprise and she looks into my eyes quickly before looking down and backing away from me. “It’s fine, let me help. Joe, grab some cups and forks and help me with the table.”

“Forks? For pizza?”

I chuckle at his outrage. “I also got spaghetti and meatballs and a salad for your mom. Grab some napkins too.”

“Ooh, did you get caesar? That’s her favorite!” he exclaims excitedly, poking around in the bags now.

I place the plates down and redirect him to get the cups. “I do know it’s her favorite, and yes I did. Come on, let’s eat while it’s hot.”

I glance at her again, and Courtney is actively looking everywhere but at me. Her eyes are low while she takes the food from the bags, placing it on the table. When we are all seated, I do my best to break the tension in the room.

“So tell me about school, Joe. Do you like your teachers?”

“I do! I like all the things we learn but my librarian is mean. She’s old and cranky.”

“Joey!” Courtney chastises him.

“It’s true, mom! You even agreed with me after meeting her at open school night.” She glances at me, trying to hide her grin, and I give her a wink.

“I know, honey, but that’s talk between you and I at home. You’re allowed to tell me anything you want in these four walls, but you still have to be nice and respectful to her at school.”

Joey takes a big bite of the pepperoni pizza and talks with his mouth full. “Yes, Mom,” he grumbles, and she hands him a napkin.

“Mouth closed, honey.”

“Mrs. Krankowski is still there?” I ask, chuckling and remembering how old she was when I was in school. Now she's got to be ancient.

“She is.”

The silence after that two word answer is deafening. So I push for more. “Courtney, how about you? Do you have a good class this year?”

She pauses at scooping some salad onto her plate before answering. “Yes, they are a great group of kids. Still babies, though.” Her fork pushes the food around but she’s not really eating. “Four is very young to start school and they barely make it to lunch without melting down some days.”

I’d like to say I understand, but I don’t. I haven’t spent more than a week at a time with Joey since he turned two. And for those first twenty four months of his life, I probably worked twenty of them. I had no business being a father or a husband when I couldn’t put either one of them first.

“You’ll be here for Christmas, right, Dad?”

“Of course. I’m always here for Christmas.”

“I know but you’re here early this year, so I figured you’d leave early too.”

My heart constricts. This kid knows he only gets seven days of my time each year and can’t understand when I want to give more. “I’ll be here, Joe. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Courtney’s eyes flick to mine. I don’t like that I can’t get a read on anything from her except for hate.

“So I wanted to ask you if you’d like to come back to New York with me for a week after Christmas?”

His eyes light up. “Really? I could fly on the plane with you too?”

I glance at Courtney who won't look at me. We talked about this briefly a month ago but I never brought it up again. “You sure can. How else would we get back? We can’t walk!”

“Can I, Mom? Please!” He bounces in his seat, and it makes me feel good that he wants to spend time with me.

She fakes a smile. It’s so apparent to me how fake it is, but Joey doesn’t see it. “Of course, sweetheart. If you want to, you can go for the week.”

“Alright! This is so cool! But, Dad, don’t you have to work?”

“I do. But I’m going to do my best to have my assistant run things in the office so I’ll be home for the week with you. I may still have to work some, but I promise to do my best to do it once you’re asleep.”

I’ve already made changes at the office, including putting more work on my assistant’s desk. It’s going to kill me not to be able to answer calls, but I've already given strict instructions that shit needs to be handled without me. This is my first test for myself. I have to be able to do something other than work if I have any hope of convincing Courtney to give me another chance.

“I can't wait!”

We finished dinner and I cleaned up while Courtney put Joey into bed. The whole night feels very domestic but I can’t let myself go there. I had it once and couldn’t hold onto it.

“He’s asking for you.” Her words are tight as she enters the kitchen again.

My eyebrows shoot up. “Really?” She nods, and I make my way down the hall to his room. “Hey, pal, what's up?”

“I just wanted to say goodnight.”

“You already said goodnight.”

“I wanted another hug.”

I kneel down beside his bed and squeeze him tight when he hugs me. I settle him back down again and tuck his blankets in tight around him. “I missed you, bud. I’m glad I get to spend some extra time with you.”

“I miss you all the time, dad.” Those little words break me.

“I know, Joe. But I have to work. And my business is far away, unfortunately.”

“Couldn’t you move it here? So you’d be close all the time?”

He's breaking my heart tonight. He’s never asked these questions before or expressed any sort of hurt over not having me nearby. But he’s getting older and I should have expected it. “I would really like that, but I just don’t know if it can be done right now.”

“Maybe soon? I think Mom misses you too.”

“Why do you say that?”

He shrugs and plays with the frayed edges of his blanket. “Sometimes I hear her crying. And she tells Aunt January that she's lonely and how hard it is doing things by herself. She doesn’t know I hear her though so don’t say anything!” He quickly rushes out the words, likely afraid he’d get into trouble for eavesdropping.

I pat his hands. “Don’t worry, pal, I won’t say you told me. I don't like your mom being sad. I'll try to do something to help make things a little easier, okay?”

He nods.

“You’re a good man, Joe Fristoni, better than me, and you’re doing a really good job at taking care of your mom.”

He lets out a big yawn. I kiss his forehead, whispering goodnight once more. His eyes flutter closed, and within a moment his breath evens out and he’s fast asleep. I stand from beside the bed and walk out of the room, closing the door slightly before entering the kitchen again.

I glance at my watch. It’s ten minutes to eight. “I told Larry to come back at nine for me. I can try to call him now if you want me to leave.”

She shakes her head. “Even if you called him now he wouldn’t make it back until nine anyway. I can see the roads are getting bad, and he’s probably busy getting everyone home.” She fills a mug with boiling water. “Do you want tea?”

“Yes, please.” She pours a second mug, adding a tea bag, and I watch as she adds a little milk and one sugar to one mug, pushing it toward me. I smile that she remembers just how I take it. I note she only adds milk to her mug.

“No sugar for you anymore?” I ask.

She glances at me then frowns at her mug. “No, I cut excess sugar out about a year ago.”

We both grab our mugs, and I follow her into the living room. She sits on the couch and I sit across from her in the oversized chair.

“So, are you here to buy Wintervale?” She doesn’t even try to hide the snark in her tone.

“There’s the attitude I missed so much.” She rolls her eyes at me. “I could, you know.”

“You could what?”

“Buy Wintervale.” I state it simply and blow on my tea before taking a sip.

“Your money doesn’t impress me.”

“My dick used to.”

“ Used to being the key words.”

Our banter is still on point, and it makes me smile. It also turns me on. Courtney and I loved to fight, if only for the makeup sex. Sometimes she’d pick a fight just to see how far I’d go before dragging her off to the bedroom. We were kids, barely legal to buy a drink, but I’ve never met someone I was so attuned to. Even after all the people I met and dealt with in business, no one knew exactly how to push my buttons like Courtney Becker. I loved every minute of it.

“You know, your drive for business, your excitement for learning and helping people, is what impressed me, Jack. But then you became obsessed with owning things and collecting more . Instead of growing, learning, and adapting to change.”

“I’m a businessman, Courtney. We can’t eat if I don’t make money.”

She pauses, collecting her thoughts. I can see questions dancing in her mind. Mine have been dancing all night, and once Joey said she’s sad and tired from doing it alone, all those thoughts came rushing to the forefront.

“Why are you really here, Jack?”

“I want to try again.”

She jerks her head to me in complete surprise, her face screwed up like I just suggested she jump off the highest building in Wintervale.

“No.” Her answer is short, exactly what I expected, and I smile. “Is this a joke to you? Why are you smiling?”

“No, Coco, it’s not a joke.”

She narrows her eyes. “What happened to the boy I used to know?”

“He grew up.”

“Yeah, into a money-hungry prick.”

“I worked for you . You wanted out of this town, and I provided your way.”

“I made it out of this town on my own, thank you very much. ”

“Yeah, and who helped you start a new life?”

“Some life! You wined and dined me, married me, knocked me up then left! You didn’t give me what I needed.”

“The hell I didn’t.”

“We needed you! Not money or dinners sent to us because you were working late. Not going on vacations and flying on different planes to get there.”

“That happened once. Don’t throw that in my face.”

“Are you serious? You’re not hearing what I’m saying. I bet you don't even know why you want to try again.”

“I do. I want to be close to Joe. I want us to be a family.”

“Close in distance or close emotionally? Because if you think moving us to the city to do the same shit you used to do is going to happen, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“He told me you’re tired. He told me you’re sad. He hears you crying at night, telling January you can't do this alone anymore. Come back with me. Let me make it easier.”

“Moving won’t make it easier, Jack. You don't get it. You can't uproot his life. His life is here. Our life is here. We don’t need things, we have them, we needed you. ”

I sit back and think of all the times I left them to go on business trips. Joe was just a baby, but I never woke him in the morning and never put him to bed at night. If I was lucky to get home before Courtney gave him a bath before bedtime, I’d see him in passing but was too tired to help. I’d eat the meal she prepared for me and then fall asleep on the couch.

“We were bad at loving each other,” I say.

“We weren’t bad at it; we just didn’t know how to change with it. We never moved beyond the teenage desire that we thought would last. It wasn’t enough to carry us through learning how to be adults together. ”

She’s right. We were essentially growing up with each other, learning and changing and not knowing what each other needed because we still didn’t know what we needed alone. I was a twenty-year-old kid obsessed with money and sex. She was a beauty on my arm and older investors took notice. They liked the stability I had in my life, not knowing that the stability was fake. It got me lots of jobs and investments, but in the end, it cost me everything.

I knew seeing her again would ignite everything inside of me. I’m not proud of what I did, but staying in the city when she left was the only answer for both of us. But only seeing my son at Christmas is the second worst thing I ever did. Now it’s time to make things right. But will she hear me?

“I want us to try, Courtney.”

“You’re going to give up your work?”

“I can’t give it up if it means taking care of you both.”

“No, you won’t, and I would never be the one to ask you to do it. But I will be the one to do the right thing for what my son needs though and make those decisions.”

“And he doesn’t need his father in his life every day?”

“He does need that, but you weren’t there before, so he doesn’t know what he’s missing. Don’t come in now if you’re not going to see it through. A week here and there is not going to make things better. If anything, it will make it worse, because he’ll come to depend on and need you all the time.”

“And you? What do you need?”

“It’s not about me anymore, Jack. And that's the difference between you and me. I gave up wanting anything for myself the minute Joey was born. You didn't.”

“I can want the woman I love and have my son. ”

She scoffs. “You don’t love me. You love the idea of us . There’s a big difference.”

Just then, a horn beeps twice from outside. She doesn’t move, only says, “Sounds like Larry is here. Don’t keep him waiting, you're probably his last call for tonight.”

I stand. “This conversation isn’t over, Coco. We have lots to still talk about.” I kiss her on her head, leaving my mug on the table and walking down the hall. Stepping into my boots and coat, I head out into the cold night wishing I could stay here instead.