The Discussion

The Discussion

AGE: 32

It was kind of crazy to Gianna, in all honesty, how very little some aspects of life changed between when she and Riley had been best friends to where they were now, after being married for a year.

The thought occurred to her, as it occasionally did, as she called out to Riley, “Do you need anything from the kitchen?” while on the way to the laundry room.

They still slotted in time to do their laundry together. They still planned to watch their favorite reality shows afterward. They still cuddled on the couch while doing so.

“No, I’m good!” Riley called back.

The simple answer thrilled Gianna, though, because it meant she could go see Riley for the first time all freaking day without needing to waste any more time.

She paused – entirely unintentionally – in the doorway to the laundry room, though, as she felt her heart flutter in her chest at the sight of Riley.

Whose back was to her, her hair still pulled up in the style she’d tamed it into this morning before she’d gone to the station. Wisps of that honey blonde hair had escaped, curling cutely at the nape of her neck.

She was wearing a pair of sweatpants that she’d changed into once arriving home paired with the button-down she’d worn to work, with the sleeves unevenly folded up just over her elbows. This wasn’t an uncommon combination for Riley to change into after coming home for the day. But something about it always gave Gianna an extra sense of affection.

Mostly because she could remember this being how Riley would dress years ago, all the way back in college. When she returned home, she’d dress for comfort. Just like she’d tried to persuade Gianna into doing.

This love, this attraction that welled up inside of her, and even their literal routine – none of this was new. Their domesticity was unparalleled, even when they’d been friends.

Riley turned around, winging an eyebrow up at Gianna. “Just gonna stand there and watch me take care of the home, like some sort of housewife?” She smartly asked while dangling one of Gianna’s fresh-from-the-dryer tank tops from her fingers.

Her lips curled into the cutest smile, giving away her sardonic tone.

Of course, many things had changed from when they’d been only friends, too.

Namely…

Gianna stepped forward, cocking her head. “Listen, I’ve offered you the life of a kept woman over and over – is it my fault that you didn’t want to wait until I got home before you started the laundry?”

“Is it my fault that your meetings ran over schedule?” Riley shot back, giving the tank top still hanging from her fingers a little spin.

Gianna grabbed it from her and dropped it onto the counter. She used her other arm to wrap around Riley’s waist, pulling her right up against her. She reveled in the audible intake of breath Riley let out before she dipped down and slid her lips against Riley’s.

Immediately, she felt Riley melt against her and swallowed the hum that Riley breathed into her mouth.

Yes, this was different.

And even though it was far from new for them now, Gianna still felt the electricity dance down her spine at the contact. She could feel her blood buzzing through her veins as Riley deepened the kiss, brushing her tongue against Gianna’s, as she curled her fingers into Gianna’s hair.

After several minutes, she felt Riley gently pull back. Even after she broke their kiss, she leaned back in to brush her soft, plush lips against Gianna’s once more. Like she couldn’t get enough.

As always, it made Gianna’s stomach flutter, and her mouth tugged into a bright smile as she looked down at Riley. “Hello, love.”

“Hello to you, too,” Riley parroted, the grin on her face mirroring Gianna’s. “I take it your meetings went well?”

Gianna nodded. “Incredibly. I’ll tell you about it when we have dinner.”

As of the last year, since Worthy had been picked up for commercial lingerie outlets, her work pursuing her true passion in design had increased ten-fold. At this point, she worked more for Worthy than she did on anything for social media most days.

“First, I’d like you to tell me about your day,” she insisted. She slid out one of the stools and took a seat. She started folding the laundry Riley had already pulled out of the dryer.

She loved that Riley knew her well enough that she needed a little bit of decompression time from the long day of meetings before rehashing it all without needing to say it directly.

Riley nodded, taking in a breath as she launched into telling Gianna the most recent of her work escapades.

And even though Riley wasn’t in the midst of any upheaval or dramas at work, and this story was just a run-of-the-mill daily life update, Gianna found herself totally lost in Riley’s words.

Again, this was nothing new. She always found everything about Riley’s life worth giving her attention to.

But the vivid vision that formed in her mind’s eye as she listened… was relatively new. The vision of them coming home to each other at the end of every day, of doing their laundry together, listening to every mundane story – with another member of their family added.

The picture of herself bouncing a baby – their baby – on her lap as she sat here in this stool, while they both listened to the calming, soft cadence of Riley’s voice.

This vision had started about a month ago in various ways. It always started, though, in moments like this. Moments where she and Riley were living their normal, everyday life.

Then, so easily, she could see those moments transform. She could see having their child sitting at the counter while they cooked. She could hear multiple children running around in the living room while she and Riley snuck away for a make-out session in this very laundry room.

She could imagine the way the hallway shoe rack would look. Admittedly, they would likely need a new shoe rack dedicated to their children’s shoes, because theirs was already completely full. But she could see that, too.

And every time she had these images in her mind, they gripped her in a want so intense that it stole her breath away. It stole her focus, entirely.

“Do you remember how I wanted to have a whole herd?” She found herself saying, wincing, when she realized that she’d unthinkingly cut Riley off. “Sorry. For interrupting. I just.” She licked her lips, feeling her heart start beating double-time in her chest as she held Riley’s gaze with her own. “Do you remember?”

Riley paused while folding their shared sweatshirt, her surprise at Gianna’s question obvious. “Excuse me?”

Still entirely too aware of the beating of her heart, she elaborated, “A herd. Of children. Yours, specifically.”

“You mean, on our first date? When you told me you wanted to have my babies?” A teasing smile tugged at Riley’s mouth. “Yes, I think I vaguely recall it.”

“Okay, wise guy.” But even Gianna found herself grinning at the memory, even as she felt her cheeks heat ever so slightly.

Riley sobered as Gianna insistently held her gaze, her hazel eyes searching Gianna’s. “Why do you ask?”

This wasn’t how Gianna had intended to approach the conversation. If pressed, she really hadn’t known how she’d have intended to approach this conversation, but it would have involved more flair than blurting it out in the middle of a laundry night, catching Riley entirely off-guard.

But they were here, and she had brought it up, and she could feel in her veins how very much she wanted to keep the conversation going. Holding onto that, she continued, “Because I think it’s time that we maybe get serious about it.”

If Gianna hadn’t already been aware that she’d caught Riley by surprise, she’d have known by the way Riley essentially dropped heavily into her seat, continuing to stare at Gianna as her eyebrows furrowed. Deeply.

“I just…” Riley’s fingers toyed subconsciously at the neck of their sweatshirt. “Wow. Okay. I guess I just didn’t expect this.”

“In fairness, I did tell you I wanted kids on our first date. As you vaguely recall,” she joked, deliberately bumping her knees against Riley’s, needing to establish some connection. Especially with the nerves in her stomach acting up the way they were.

Riley stared at her, dropping her warm hand to Gianna’s knee. “You absolutely did.”

“And, as it stands, I’m thirty-two. So, it’s probably a good time to start coming up with some sort of plan,” she added, landing her hand on top of Riley’s, taking comfort in the familiar touch.

God, she didn’t know why she was feeling so nervous about this. This was just Riley .

Bolstering herself with that thought, she squeezed Riley’s hand. “If you’re not ready for this conversation–”

But Riley shook her head, silently cutting Gianna off. “No, that’s not–” She cut herself off, taking a deep breath once more, seemingly needing to settle herself. “I think I need to do some research? Before we talk about it.”

Something was going on there, in the storm behind Riley’s eyes. Something that Gianna couldn’t quite put her finger on, which was the most confusing part about this entire interaction.

Not being able to read Riley like a book was among Gianna’s least favorite things.

She nodded, though. After all, she’d had time to think about this subject for weeks; it was only fair to give Riley the same time.

“Deal.”

She leaned in, brushing her lips briefly, softly against Riley’s. Sealed with a kiss.

As they sat in the kitchen for the meeting Riley had put on their shared calendar entitled On the Subject of Children , Gianna wasn’t surprised in the least as Riley pulled out a literal file, filled with printed pages, annotated with notes. You can take the woman out of the shared womb with Ellie, but the imprint of Ellie remained.

However, she was curious and leaned over to try and steal a look. “What are those?”

Riley playfully lifted the tops of the pages to keep Gianna from seeing everything she’d prepared, softly kicking her socked foot out at Gianna’s. “No peeking.”

She acquiesced, leaning back in her seat. Since the day after she’d brought up the conversation six days ago in the laundry room, Riley had seemingly returned to her normal self. Which was a total relief to Gianna.

Save for the handful of times in which Riley seemed very contemplative and lost in her thoughts in ways she typically wasn’t. That was what led Gianna to this gnawing concern in the pit of her stomach.

That feeling led her to start their conversation with, “Before we even get into this – do you really want to have kids?” She searched Riley’s gaze with her own, needing to voice the question that had taken root in her mind.

“I’ve realized it’s not something we’ve ever truly discussed in our relationship, given that we’d discussed it a handful of times prior to being together, and it was always something you said you were interested in.”

She’d gone down this avenue of thought in the last few days. The realization that she’d just… assumed this was their next step. But Riley saying that she would hypothetically want children with a hypothetical partner in the future wasn’t the same as wanting them here and now with Gianna.

After all, Riley had always thought that partner would be a man! So, she’d clearly never pictured this .

That little crinkle between Riley’s eyebrows appeared as she slowly nodded. “I do.” She nodded more firmly after a second, in a move that screamed of certainty. “I do,” she repeated.

Relieved and satisfied in equal measure, Gianna let out a breath. “Great. I’m glad we have that out of the way.”

Riley laughed quietly, and the sound of it settled inside of her before Riley urged, “Yes, now that we have that out of the way – you start.” She gestured to Gianna’s tablet. “Because it looks like you brought your own research.”

Gianna shot Riley a winning smile as she tapped on the screen of her tablet and brought it to life. “You may be shocked to know that I, indeed, did.”

“I’ve learned a very long time ago that I should never underestimate you.” The sincerity in Riley’s tone warmed everything inside of Gianna, as it often did.

“First things first – I think IUI is the right way to go. I’m young and healthy. I have a long torso–”

Riley’s peel of baffled laughter cut her off, and Gianna found herself smiling in amusement as well, even before Riley asked, “ What ?”

“According to several accounts in my research,” she smartly tapped on her screen, “A long torso can help in reducing the risk of pre-term births!”

Riley’s laughter abated, though she gazed at Gianna with so much warmth – that amusement and love comingling – as she nodded. “Excuse my laughter. Please, go on.”

“I was merely stating that I believe IUI would be very effective. Especially…” She paused to triumphantly pull out the printed-out lab report she had. “As, according to Doctor Ngo, my womb is practically begging to be impregnated.”

“I’m sure that’s the technical term she used,” Riley murmured as she snatched the lab report away from her, running her eyes over it. When she lifted her gaze to Gianna afterward, her gaze was confused. “When did you get this done?”

Gianna felt herself flush. “Last month, when you drove me to my gynecology appointment.”

Riley had driven Gianna to all of her doctor’s appointments for more than ten years, given that Gianna had never felt the need to learn how to drive. She’d always lived in a city and had access to calling a car if the need arose. When she’d asked Riley for a favor to drive her for her annual physical their junior year, Riley had made it a point to put Gianna’s appointments in her calendar just as she put her own in. As if taking care of Gianna and her needs was as simple as that.

Then again, for Riley, it was. It always had been.

And damn it if it wasn’t one of the things Gianna loved so deeply about her. One of the things that made Gianna feel so sure about expanding their family.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Riley asked, a line forming between her eyebrows. Her tone was far from accusatory – if anything, it was a little hurt.

Gianna quickly shook her head, wanting to do anything to stop any of those hurt feelings. “I honestly wasn’t planning on it. Seriously,” she swore, reaching out to quickly squeeze her hands over Riley’s in assurance. “I didn’t even think about it until I was in the appointment.”

In truth, seeing some of the information in the office regarding pregnancy had prompted Gianna and had gotten this train of thought moving.

“Ever since that day, it’s been on my mind more and more,” she confessed. “And by that, I mean – I think about it every day.”

Riley settled her hand palm-down against the lab report in front of her as she studied Gianna closely. And while Gianna had no idea what Riley was looking for, she stared back, vulnerable and unafraid. Riley could see everything she had to offer.

Finally, Riley spoke softly. “I guess I’m still a little… I know you said you wanted to have children with me. And I know you meant it. But whenever the subject of having a baby has come up, you’ve never expressed any sort of serious interest in it, so – all I’m saying is that I want to make sure we dot all of the i’s and cross all of the t’s before we move forward with anything.”

“Do you remember that whole thing about how I didn’t want to be in a relationship if it wasn’t with you?” Gianna asked, her heart still skipping a beat at how intense that conversation had been. How terrified she’d been – even though she’d literally heard Riley confess to having feelings for her earlier that very night – to reveal her truth after having hidden it for so long.

A sweet smile took over Riley’s face. “I’m pretty sure I could forget everything else that has ever happened to me, and I would still remember that.”

Gianna reached out and took Riley’s hands in hers, this time keeping their fingers intertwined, glancing down at their matching wedding rings. “The same is true about having children. I would never have imagined myself on this path if this path hadn’t been walked with you. You are the only person I want a family with.”

That was the simple truth of it. Perhaps it wasn’t really all that simple – it was layered and emotional, and she’d spent so much of her adult life not believing it was possible.

“Riley, babe, I really didn’t know that you and I were a possibility until a couple of years ago,” she explained, not for the first time. She could still hear her own wonder, even as the honesty spilled from the very depths of her. “And now that we’re real and together and married, there are so many doors available to me that I just – I never would have wanted to open them with someone else.”

She swallowed thickly, the truth of the words coursing heavily through her.

“But with you, I want to open every door. I want every possibility with you. I want every chance at happiness. I want to take in everything life has to offer. And I don’t want to wait any longer than we have to.” She shrugged, feeling like a weight had been lifted.

All of her logistical research could be damned, this was the most important thing for her.

“And if you aren’t ready yet, then – that’s fine. If you don’t really want this for yourself and us, and you’re trying to… to get on-board because you want to do this for me, we won’t do it. Those are all of my cards on the table,” she finished, taking in a deep breath and staring at Riley for several beats.

“Gianna, I do . I’m not telling you that I want a family with you to try to placate you or anything; do you possibly think that’s something I would do?” She asked, looking at Gianna as if the very thought was ludicrous.

She couldn’t help the incredulous laugh that slipped out because Riley had her on that one. Honest-to-a-fault Riley had never placated Gianna in their entire lives. “No,” she allowed before sobering and falling into Riley’s wide-eyed expression. “But… I believe that you love me enough to try to explore every avenue if it would make me happy.”

Riley’s eyes went so soft as she stroked her thumbs over Gianna’s hands. “I would,” she admitted. “Because I do love you so much.”

She took a deep breath, tremulously blowing it out as she dropped her gaze and took a moment.

And Gianna waited, subconsciously holding her breath because she had no idea what Riley was thinking. “But?” She gently prompted, her heart starting to race.

Riley looked back up at her, eyes searching Gianna’s. “It’s not a but . Not really. It doesn’t negate wanting to have a baby with you, I swear. But I’d be lying if I said that talking about this doesn’t make me think about my dad.”

Gianna nearly reeled back from the surprise that trampled through her. She certainly blinked at it, trying to wrap her mind around Riley’s statement.

Maybe that was foolish of her, but…

Riley mentioned her dad so rarely. Gianna was sure Riley thought about him more frequently than she verbalized, and she knew that Riley had loved her father deeply. Every year on the anniversary of his death, Riley was more withdrawn and hovered over Ellie incessantly. At this point, Gianna even believed Riley’s hovering on that date was more for Riley’s comfort than Ellie’s.

But other than that, and the errant comments about “Oh, my dad loved this song,” or “Yeah, this was my dad’s recipe,” Riley didn’t bring him up.

Gianna never pushed for more. Especially because it seemed that Riley – while clearly affected by losing her father in more ways than one – seemed to know how to cope without Gianna’s help. She’d been doing it since she’d ever met Gianna, after all.

When Riley didn’t explain further in the minute that followed, Gianna gently spoke, “Carina, I’m so sorry, but… I don’t understand?”

She hated that she couldn’t connect these dots alone, but she was at a loss.

Riley swallowed hard, her eyebrows furrowing tightly together as she started, “I just – you know my mom.”

… unfortunately, that didn’t shed the light Gianna was desperately needing.

Still, she slowly nodded. Yes, she knew Eliza Beckett, though she wouldn’t say she knew her incredibly well. While she was certainly more of a presence in Riley and Ellie’s lives, far more than Gianna’s parents were active in her life, Gianna wouldn’t necessarily classify her as an active parent . “As well as I can know her, I guess.”

Riley looked sharply up at her words, posture snapping straight as if Gianna had just unlocked something. “Exactly! After nearly fifteen years of being the most important person in my life, over a year of being my wife, you know my mom as well as you can possibly know her. Because who she is after my dad died is not the person she was when I was growing up.”

My dad’s dead, and he took the soft part of my mom with him . Gianna acutely remembered when Riley had emotionally spoken those worse to her, even though it had been over a decade ago. Because seeing Riley so upset and raw was such an anomalous moment for her. The majority of their emotional ups and downs were all caused by Gianna – a fact that held true for most of their relationship, even now.

Riley was the epitome of stability. She was steadfast and durable; she weathered every storm without blinking an eye. Not just for Gianna, either. But for Ellie. For Joel. For everyone in their lives – Riley was the one who would show up and hold you up when the world seemed too difficult a place.

In this moment, as Riley had an undeniable anxiety etched into her expression, Gianna had a moment of panic. Had she missed this part of Riley all along? This part of her, that seemed like such a raw nerve?

She raised one of her hands, smoothing Riley’s hair back, then sliding down to cup her jaw. “Riley, love, I didn’t know this was something on your mind so often. Something that bothered you.”

Riley shook her head but lifted her hand up to press against the back of Gianna’s – effectively making sure Gianna didn’t lose contact with her even with her movement. “That’s the thing – it’s not . My relationship with my mom is… it’s not something I agonize over. I used to.” She admitted, with a small, sad smile. “The year after my dad died and Ellie went to college, it was just my mom and I living in our house. And our house went from a four-person home, filled with conversation and pancake Sundays, to a two-person house, where we co-existed. And it was awful .”

Those tears that glossed over her eyes started to fall, and Gianna felt her heart crack open with them.

God, she had no idea how Riley managed to comfort her about her own parental situation. Because this moment made Gianna feel like she, herself, was dying inside. She hastily disengaged the hand she’d still had holding onto Riley’s and pulled down the sleeve of her sweater so she could carefully wipe Riley’s cheeks.

“Honestly, Gianna, moving to college and meeting you was the best thing that ever could have happened to me.” Riley nuzzled her face closer into Gianna’s hand, still cupping her jaw, a tremulous smile sliding over her lips. “I’ve known that for a very long time, given that you’re my favorite person and the love of my life.”

Her words made Gianna smile, although she was still confused and aching for her wife.

“Even more than that, though…” Riley rolled her lips as she clearly thought over her words. “I never really thought about it until we started this conversation. But I’ve done a lot of thinking in the last week, and I’ve realized that you brought color back into my life. Living with you made me feel like life became normal again.”

“Even when I was a bitch?” Gianna took the chance to joke, tentatively smiling. Desperate, really, to do anything to get Riley to smile.

Which, thankfully, she did. A tearful smile spread over her lips as she nodded. “I’ve never called you that and won’t stand for you to call yourself that, either. But. Yes. Even from the very beginning.”

Gianna felt very accomplished as she did another careful swipe under Riley’s eyes, making sure to leave no fallen tears behind.

She also felt a surge of honor at having been that person for Riley. Riley had been – always would be – the person who changed Gianna’s life trajectory. And while she firmly believed that Riley would have always found her way in life, Gianna – even back before she’d grown – having helped Riley find her footing in life… it meant the world to her.

She basked in that for a few seconds before remembering the topic of conversation they were having. Her confusion leeched back in. “You have no idea how much that means to me, babe, and if you want to take a break in the whole having kids conversation, we can. But I just still don’t quite get it?”

Riley sniffled, bringing her free hand up to wipe over her eyes more rigorously than Gianna had. “No, we should talk about it. Because that’s the point.”

Gianna’s eyebrows pulled down, trying to figure out where Riley was going. It was so incredibly rare that she couldn’t even follow Riley’s train of thought that this was entirely too disconcerting for her.

“The thing I’ve realized is that… I kind of understand my mom, Gianna. Losing my dad made her lose a part of herself. The brightest part of her. The softest part of her. I know she loves Ellie and me, but I also know that there’s a permanent disconnect between us. And while I’ve long gotten used to it, I’ve never understood it. But I think I do, now.” Riley’s eyes searched her own before she confessed, “Because the truth is that if something ever happened to you, like it happened to my dad, I think I would become her.”

Her back snapped straight up with Riley’s words, her hand falling from Riley’s face and landing on the table with a thunk , as shock raced through her. Quickly followed by rejection, and she firmly shook her head with it. “No. No, you wouldn’t.”

Riley nodded, though, her expression gravely serious. “Yes, I would.”

“You wouldn’t ,” she insisted with absolute certainty. “Riley, you’re – you’re Riley . You have such a sense of self; you could never lose it. With or without me.”

“I might have a sense of self,” Riley acknowledged, “But you are everything that lights up my world, Gianna. I love my work, and I love our found family, but… you are what I revolve around. You’re my sun. It’s crazy that we didn’t get together long before we actually did because that’s been my truth for my entire adult life. And while I can use logic to talk myself out of being terrified every single day that something might happen to you, like it happened to my dad, I’ve realized in the last week that I can’t use that logic to quiet my brain around having a baby with you.”

Riley drew in a deep breath, closing her eyes with it. “I’m just so terrified that I could lose you, especially because I know I would lose myself, too. And with children in the mix… god, it would be…” She shuddered as she shook her head.

“Bella, I literally can’t even imagine a world without you in it.” Gianna wouldn’t have imagined that world because even the hypothetical statement made her veins thread with ice. “But – is this fear enough to stop you from doing this?”

In all honesty, that wasn’t a dealbreaker for Gianna. Until just two years ago, until being with Riley had become a real possibility, she’d believed she would be contentedly child-free forever.

But she’d be lying if she said that the idea of having a bigger family – something she’d yearned for since longer than she cared to admit – with this woman didn’t fill her with a longing she couldn’t deny. She didn’t want to.

She was finally at a place with Riley where she didn’t have to deny what she wanted.

“It’s not,” Riley finally said, shaking her head. “But I’m really worried that I’m going to become the person who puts you two in a bubble whenever we leave the house.”

Gianna laughed at that, amazed at the lightness that had returned to her now that she felt like they were getting back on the same page. “Well, consider yourself moving into that bubble with us. Because I would be lost without you, too.”

Riley closed her eyes and breathed, the tension in her shoulders loosening with it. “I guess I just didn’t expect for this to bring up so many feelings like this.”

“It’s a really big thing,” Gianna reasoned, unable to stop herself from leaning in and pressing her lips to Riley’s cheek. She just wanted to be close enough to inhale her, to feel her soft skin against her mouth. “I think it makes perfect sense.”

Riley wordlessly nodded, turning her head ever so slightly so she could kiss Gianna’s cheek.

As Gianna leaned back, Riley arched her a look. “So, you might have to be patient with me. And you will definitely have to deal with me hovering and needing to take care of you and Potential Baby.”

Gianna sent her a look right back. “I waited a decade for you, Riley Beckett. I think I know a thing or two about being patient where you’re concerned.”