Chapter 32

CHAPTER 32

NOAH

W aking up alone in my suite in Nashville, I felt horrible. I had a hangover straight from hell, and as soon as I opened my eyes, all I could think about was still only Gemma.

Last night had been a fuck-up of epic proportions from the moment Tom had introduced us until Lewis had finally dragged me to bed at some ridiculous hour this morning. I hadn’t had that much to drink in ages, but despite the pounding in my head and the disgusting taste in my mouth, the worst of it was still the memory of Gemma walking away from me.

I swallowed hard, but no moisture returned to my mouth and the lump in my throat didn’t move either. Shit. I really thought…

Nope. It didn’t really matter what I’d thought, so I groaned into the darkness of the room and closed my eyes again, willing myself to just fall back asleep.

It wouldn’t happen, though. There was way too much going on in my head and my heart hurt way too much. I didn’t even know why I’d been so surprised when she’d left me, though.

I wasn’t worthy of someone like her.

Gemma was an intelligent, independent, professional woman. She deserved a man whose time was his own.

Mine wasn’t.

Feeling unworthy had come from being made to feel that way all my life by my parents, but that didn’t change the fact that she deserved better. Growing up, I’d made a lot of bad choices. I’d spent most my life being a tool bag and I’d slept around constantly until last year.

The last few months before I’d met her, I’d been trying to change. Partying hard and fucking harder had become boring and predictable, but I hadn’t really been getting any better until I’d met her.

Gemma had made me fully drop every last part of that lifestyle. She’d made me want to be the best I could be and she’d forced me to think about what I wanted my future to look like.

While I’d always wanted to settle down, I hadn’t thought it would happen for me. She had made me think that it could. She’d made me believe that I could have it all, the career, the white-picket fence, the loving wife, and the houseful of kids.

All that stuff I’d always dreamed of having had felt possible with her . And sure, I got that wanting all those things was probably also only because I hadn’t had them myself as a kid, but I was also a closeted romantic.

I genuinely believed in love and happily-ever-afters. My parents hadn’t gotten one, but I’d seen it enough to know that it all existed and I wanted it with all my heart.

I wanted the home. The love. The true happiness and even the petty fights about shuttling kids around and what to have for dinner.

I didn’t even just want it. I longed for it, and I’d spent most of the last few years trying to screw and drink myself into forgetting that.

Late last year though, I’d realized that I was probably going to wind up killing myself if I didn’t slow down.

So I did.

I slowed down. I’d spent my time writing music instead of partying and sleeping around. On occasion, I’d still gone out with Brandon, but that was mostly just to keep from succumbing to boredom—and to keep him from getting into too much trouble.

All that had changed after I’d met her. My Gemma.

It felt like I’d stepped out of the darkness I’d been caught in all my life and was seeing the sun for the first time. Until her, I’d been emotionally unavailable and completely detached. Looking back now, it was like I’d been in a fog and I hadn’t even known it.

I knew it now, though. I had fallen in love with her so hard and so fast, and I had no idea how to go back to the fog. I didn’t want to, but I also had no idea how to move forward.

All I knew was that I was pissed and devastated, and I also couldn’t stop thinking about her. Throughout the night, I’d realized that it had to have been about the events planner thing, but I was also assuming that she’d seen the picture of me with Hillary.

She’d probably also heard all the rumors about what a man-whore I’d been and all those things put together must’ve led her to the conclusion that I didn’t care about her. Why she hadn’t just talked to me about it was a mystery.

If she had, I would have been able to explain everything. Weeks ago, after I’d seen her in that cafe with Dave, she had promised she would always talk to me before jumping to conclusions. We had both promised to be honest and to confront each other about stuff instead of just thinking that we knew exactly what was going on.

She fucking promised!

As the thought raged through me, I sat bolt upright in bed and grabbed the stupid fucking landline on the nightstand and smashed it to pieces against the wall. I’d pay for a new damn phone for the hotel. Not that I knew why they still put such antiquated bullshit in their rooms.

Chest heaving with ragged breaths, I shoved my hands into my hair and bent my head into the comforter around my knees, screaming all my rage into it. What the fuck am I supposed to do with all of this?

I’d had her.

I’d had the woman of my dreams right here in this very room just yesterday and now she was gone, probably already back in Texas, and I had a fucking management meeting this afternoon, so I couldn’t even go after her.

Although the complete truth was that I wouldn’t have gone after her anyway because I didn’t deserve her. For her sake, it was better that she’d left me. Yet a snarling voice at the back of my mind told me not to let my parents mess this up for me.

Just because they’d never given a shit didn’t mean I wasn’t worthy.

Loud, banging knocks at my door yanked me out of my spiral. I narrowed my eyes, trying to catch my breath as I rolled out of bed. “What? Who is it?”

“Me,” Brandon yelled from the other side of the door. “I’m doing a wellness check. That’s what. Come on, man. Open up!”

“Coming.” I grunted, striding to the fridge first to grab a bottle of ice-cold water and pressing it to my forehead before I went to the door.

As I opened it, Brandon breezed in, squeezing past me and letting out a low whistle when he realized the drapes were still shut. “Dude, it’s after noon. Did you just wake up?”

“No,” I lied, then sighed and rolled the water from one temple to the other. “I’ve been awake for a little while. Not really sure how long.”

Letting out a low groan, he strode over to the windows and opened the drapes, his nose wrinkling when he turned back to look at me. “It smells like a distillery in here and you look like shit. Care to tell me what exactly happened? I’m the one who’s supposed to do stuff like this, bro. You’re the heartthrob. Don’t try to steal my bad boy thunder.”

I shook my head, stumbling back to my bed and deliberately falling face first onto it. “Don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Yeah, that’s what you kept saying last night, but I left it then. I’m not leaving it now. Coffee?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I’ll make it. Go grab a shower. Or at least brush your teeth. We’re talking about it when you’re done. Whether you want to or not.”

I blew out a heavy breath, but despite the state I was in, I knew he had a point. I probably stank and a shower might help clear my head, so I pushed myself up and headed to the bathroom, wishing I had a damn drink in there with me.

By the time I was done and had thrown on a pair of sweats, Brandon had opened all the tiny, openable windows in the place, turned up the air-conditioning, and was airing out the room by keeping the door leading outside as well as the one into the hall open. He’d made the coffee he’d promised, and when I sauntered out of the bathroom, he waved for me to join him on the balcony.

I winced at the thought of stepping out into any kind of sunlight, but it was bright enough in here now that it wouldn’t make much a difference. Sighing as I went to grab a jacket, I followed him out and drew in a big breath of fresh air before I collapsed into the seat across from him.

“It’s fucking freezing out here.” I wrapped my fingers around my mug, bringing it to my chest and blowing on the surface of the rich brown liquid.

He chuckled. “Yeah, it is, but I thought the cold air would be good for you. What happened, Parks? Where’s Gemma?”

“She’s gone,” I said before launching into the whole sordid story about what had happened last night when he kept picking at me about it.

When it was finally all out, which admittedly didn’t take too long considering that I didn’t have much actual information, he grimaced. “You’re going after her, right?”

“What? No. She told me to leave her alone, Brandon.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, but she doesn’t know what really happened. You need to go talk to her and explain.”

“She doesn’t want me to.”

“Because she thinks she already knows,” he said, eyes widening with exasperation as he tapped his temple. “Shit happened and a lot of stuff that was said or that she might’ve seen have led her to believe things that aren’t true. That picture with Hillary and what Tom said has created a false narrative. You need to let her know what really happened.”

“Why?” I looked at him from across the table. “I used to be the guy she thinks I am now. There’s no guarantee that I won’t become that guy again.”

“Are you crazy?” he snapped. “Sure, you were that guy, but you haven’t been for a long time. Especially not after you met her. All you need to do is explain. There are really simple explanations behind all this, Noah. You can’t let her go without even trying.”

I arched my eyebrows. “I’ve already let her go.”

“Nope. You’re coming to Austin with me when I go for Christmas, and you’re going to track her down and tell her the truth.”

“No, I’m not,” I said firmly. “You and I both know I’m not good enough for her. It’s killing me that she’s gone. It really is, but that doesn’t mean I should make my problems hers.”

He groaned, setting his cup down to scrub his hands over his face. He shook his head repeatedly. “God, your parents really did a number on you.”

“I know.”

“Okay, but are you going to let them keep doing it?” He finally pulled his hands away, and the expression he was wearing was more serious than I’d ever seen from him. “Personally, I think it’s bullshit. You are good enough for her and I think you know that. This was a misunderstanding. Those can be cleared up. It’s not even that hard. All it’ll take is one honest conversation.”

“And then what?” I asked. “I can’t give her the life she deserves right now, bro. I have a house in California, but we’re hardly ever there. Outside of that, I live in hotel rooms. She has a business. A thriving company that?—”

“That can operate from anywhere,” he said, finishing for me. “That’s no reason not to tell the truth, Noah. You love her. I’ve seen the shift in you and so have the others. All of us know that you’ve changed, but if you’re really worried about becoming that guy again, then stop. Because you won’t. Not if you’ve got her.”

“I still can’t offer her much.”

“Bullshit.” He grunted, head shaking all over again. “Look, if the house thing is bothering you so much, buy another one. Hell, buy five more and let Gemma decorate ‘em all so they all feel like home. You can offer everything, man. Best of all, you can offer her you , which I’m pretty sure is all she actually wants.”

He stood up, leaving his coffee untouched on the table. “You have three days to decide. That’s when I’m going to Austin and you’re welcome to fly out with me. You can stay with me again too. Three days, bro.”

After giving me a long, meaningful look, he spun around and headed back inside, striding straight through my room and out the open door on the other side. I watched him go, knowing what he wanted me to decide, but I honestly didn’t know if I should take him up on his offer to go to Austin.

Gemma had gotten away from me. She’d dodged a potential press bullet since they’d never found out what we really were to each other and she was free now to find someone who didn’t have so much emotional baggage.

On the other hand, I’d never been the type to wallow in misery and self-pity. As it was, this party for one had lasted long enough. I had a big decision to make and apparently only three days to make it.