Chapter 33

We wakeup to an offer of breakfast pancakes from the delightful Tiffany – what a goddess – and snatch up the offer with a thanks, be right down. She's the ultimate chef when it comes to pancakes, served up with chocolate spread, strawberries and the most amazingly whipped up cream. Seriously, delicious.

Ha. Creamgirl makes the best whipped up cream, who'd have ever thought it?

"I'm impressed," Tiff says, as Josh and I take a seat at her breakfast bar, still exhausted from Connor-Carlygate last night. "You're more compassionate than me, Ells," she says as she gets the pan fired up. "Tears or not, Carly's still a smug little cow who's had her bubble burst."

"There's no call for that," Josh says, and his eyes are fierce as they lock onto hers. "Seriously, Tiff, you might think she's a cow, but she's still my sister, and she's still torn to pieces. Have a bit of respect, will you?"

I feel tension between them I've never picked up on before, and Josh sits rigid at my side, uptight and frazzled after our hours spent consoling Carly.

"Sorry," Tiff says, then sighs. "I know she's hurt, alright? Like I said, I'm impressed you went over to help. That's mega noble of you."

Shit, I try to break the tension.

"She isn't that bad at all. I think under the surface she's probably a really nice girl, she just has issues, but don't we all?"

Tiff shrugs before she starts whisking the eggs.

"Yeah, I guess so. If only she'd admit she's a fragile little flower under the surface, rather than brushing it off with her bravado of super bitch, she'd be a lot happier."

I fight the urge to say the famous line – often the things that piss us off about other people, are the things we don't want to see in ourselves. Tiff isn't a super bitch, though. She's Creamgirl, and Creamgirl happens to be the most popular entertainer at The Agency – with every right to be. She's confident, bubbly, happy, sparkling with life and wealth and beauty.

Yet, still, under the surface…

"Was she ok by the time you left?" Tiff asks.

Josh relaxes his shoulders. "She wasn't sobbing, and she even managed a few laughs. Mainly down to the lovely Ella here."

Another tiny rush of pride hits me, and I soak it up for all it's worth. Far better than feeling gut punched all the time.

I did my best last night. I listened to Carly for hours, feeling her pain as though I was revisiting my own. I told her it would be ok, that he wasn't worth it, and I was telling the truth. I hope at least part of her believed me, but I suspect not quite yet. Hugs and compassion always help, though. Especially when they come from places you expect nothing but hate.

Mum always says that compassion is way stronger an asset than resentment, and that hate hurts the person dishing it out more than the person receiving it. It goes rotten inside you, while they move on, unscathed. I'm coming to learn the truth in her words.

"How was the rest of the meal at the Mulberry?" I ask Tiff as she oils the pan.

"It was ok."

I laugh. "That means it was crap, then."

"Meh. Mack's an ass, and Lochlan hardly knocked my socks off. We didn't really click, you know? He was more interested in Bodica. Still had an alright time, I guess." She smiles. "Except we were all worried about you."

"I'm alright. My toilet bowl episode sorted me out just fine. You were a great help, thank you."

She looks at me with her eyebrows raised. "You're alright? Numb, you mean, more like it?"

I chew over my reply.

"Numb, maybe, but there's more to it than that. It feels like I've had a purging of the soul now the final slams of revelation have hit home. I'm over Connor, and I have no shame whatsoever in being an entertainer. It's what I do, it's what I love, it's who I am." I manage a bitchy grin. "Connor can croon about it for the world and bask in the ocean of fake sympathy from people who haven't got a clue what the fuck really happened, but it makes no difference to me. I'll still wake up every morning in bed with Josh, set to go about my awesome new life with a smile on my face."

It"s true.

I never wanted to be a megastar in the public view for the world to see. I just wanted to be loved, and love myself, and that's what I've got now. Loving my career is a side benefit I'd never seen coming. The icing on the cake of happiness, with filthy fairy sprinkles on top.

I only pray Mum and Dad will be able see it that way…

The thought of unveiling the inevitable truth takes me back to the toilet barfing at the Mulberry far more than Connor ever could. Damn it. It better not interfere with my pancakes.

At least I've got some time to plan my admission speech in front of my folks.

You've been charged with being the whore in Connor's viral masterpiece. How would you like to plead, Ella?

Guilty.

Ouch.

I turn my attention back to Tiff. She looks a bit defeated herself as she pours the pancake mix into the pan. Her eyes don't have their usual sparkle. She's just… flat.

"You really liked Lochlan, didn't you?" I say, and she jolts.

"What?"

"You were into him. I could see it a mile off."

Josh nods at my side to back me up, but she swats it away.

"I wasn't crazy about him, just thought there might be something in it. But it's cool if he isn't into me. I probably wouldn't have been into him either by the time it came to it. And I'm not sure I could handle being with an entertainer. You guys do ok, and Eb does ok and all that, and brill to you, congrats, but me? I'm not sure. Who cares, anyway? We just didn't gel."

It's as though she's defending herself from an invisible accusation. Something to justify.

Another peek of Tiffany breaking through the confidence of Creamgirl.

"Anyway," she says. "Talking about pairs of entertainers, how are you two feeling about your upcoming proposal?" She smirks at me as the pan sizzles, what a blatant distraction. "Keen to see Josh get it on, hot and horny with a hot and horny guy?"

"You could say that." I smile at Josh. "It should be me paying for that pleasure."

Josh wraps an arm around my shoulder.

"You'll be getting it on with him as much as I will, and he'll be a lot to take."

Tiff looks right at him, eyes digging.

"And how will you feel watching Ella getting fucked by another guy?"

He pauses for just a moment. "We'll know soon enough, won't we?"

We're a few days away from the proposal, but I'm already feeling it. Josh is smiling, but there's a little something under the surface. A bizarre electric undercurrent about this proposal I can't fathom.

Something intense looming.

Really fucking intense.

I just wish things would go back to normal. Hopefully they will after Josh and I have had a crazy good night and he sees I'm a hundred times more into him than I will ever be with a stranger, and as for Tiff… I ask Josh about her when we're done with breakfast and back up to our place.

"Do you think she'll meet anyone soon?"

He puts the coffee machine on. "She meets people all the time. Plenty of opportunities, not just at work, either. In general."

"I mean, do you think she'll fall for anyone? Properly fall for them."

"That's an entirely different question." He makes us a drink and hands mine over. "Like you said at hers, we all have our issues."

"Did something happen to her? She's never got over her ex, I know that, and I've heard the passing statements, but there was more to it, wasn't there? There's more going on."

He takes a sip of his coffee before he answers.

"Tiff's secrets are hers to tell, not mine."

I admire his loyalty. I reach out to take his hand.

"I hope that one day she trusts me enough to tell me herself."

"I would say that's likely. Just don't expect to work magic when she does. You can only help people when they want to be helped. That's what I've found, anyway."

"She's an amazing person. Such a superstar."

"Yes, she is. In the areas she's comfortable in."

"At work."

"When she's Creamgirl, yes."

I knew as much. I'm learning so much lately, like I'm on a weird college course of life, love, and being a hooker. I'm learning how thrilling sex can be and so easy to sink into the zone when it means nothing outside of the senses. When it's a fantasy and you're playing a character, with no emotional crossover.

Loving someone is a totally different thing, and for me the gulf is widening day by day, I can feel it, so for her… doing it for so long…

I know I must be doing the lip thing. I can see it in how Josh smirks.

"That's all I'm going to say on it." He squeezes my hand. "As I said, Tiff's secrets are hers to tell." He looks off to the side. "I have to call myself out on double standards, though. That's not what I was saying last night about Carly, and I was wrong. It was absolutely her choice to keep things from me, I just wish she hadn't."

"I'm sure she wouldn't have, if it wasn't for me. She'd have probably been sending up the Josh symbol into the sky and screaming for help."

He laughs and pulls me in for a hug. "I always fancied a Batman costume."

"You're built for it," I tell him and drop a kiss on his solid jaw. "Maybe I could be Cat Woman."

"Here kitty kitty," he says and I'm suddenly back in the ghostly old house from my proposal.

I give myself a shake and grin at my boyfriend. "Ever done cosplay for a client?"

"Actually, yeah, one time, an American client asked me to get all done up like the Joker, smeared makeup and everything."

"You're kidding?"

"The purple streak in my hair in my profile picture sealed the deal. It was a wild two hours."

"Who was the lucky lady? Was she Cat Woman?"

"He was a retired Marine, late sixties, grey hair slicked back, grey suit. He played the part of the Commissioner. Reamed me with his truncheon before he fucked me."

"Wow!"

"Yeah, it was intense for a four grand gig. Guy had some stamina. Anyway, whether Carly held off from telling me because of you or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is, you stepped up, and you did a good thing. My sister is feeling a whole lot better this morning because of you. She's eating a fry up like there's no tomorrow and singing your praises."

"She is?"

He pulls out his phone.

"Mum sent me this while you were helping Tiff clear up after the pancakes."

He turns the screen and there's a picture of Carly with two thumbs up, in front of a big breakfast plate at her parents' table.

"Well done, baby," Josh says. "Couldn't have done it without you."

Another flash of pride for me – one so strong that it makes my stomach flip.

"Every cloud has a silver lining. Even the shittiest ones."

"I should send Connor a thank you card," Josh says, "His mistakes bring us closer every day."

"Yeah, and I should send one to Carly. Same goes for her."

We tap knuckles as we laugh together.

"The dynamic duo," Josh says.

I laugh. "Yeah."

"We'll be a dynamic duo for real soon enough. Our double five-starrer is looming."

Yes, it is.

And there is that electric undercurrent again… something in Josh's eyes.

"What?" I ask him. "Come on, Josh. Spit it out. You might not do the lip thing, but I can still feel your brain whirring. What's going on with this proposal? It's not just a regular duo thing, is it?"

He taps his nose.

"Wait and see. You'll be glad you did when it comes to it."