Chapter 27

I haveto draw on every scrap of my experience as an entertainer to get me through the rest of Sunday dinner. I'm used to walking into situations with strangers and shutting out the noise of real life – and I do the same now. I have to. I have no choice unless I want to blow the family meal to smithereens. Airing my dirty laundry in public is one thing, but displaying my chewed-up heart in front of my ex's new girlfriend is another.

I focus on Josh, and his family, and the amazing Sunday lunch his mum has cooked, and shove the rest of it into the background. I'm here as Josh's new girlfriend, excited and engaged with the people who love him, and I remind myself of it every second – regardless of the fact my stomach is still churning, desperate to hurl, and the very sight of Connor makes me want to scream in his face across the table.

His family are keen listeners, and I nearly throw up again as Connor talks about his past, and all his efforts in the music industry. His songs, and his gigs, and his early life when he used to play his guitar in the woods. He even mentions how much Heather and Phil's farmhouse takes him back there. The feel of the countryside in the air.

Wanker.

He's a total and utter wanker.

I do a pretty good job of ignoring him to be fair – aided by Josh's hand squeezing my knee between mouthfuls of dinner – and as for Carly, I try to blank out every single thought aimed in her direction. My head just isn't ready to fathom the situation yet. To fathom her yet. But her head is trying to fathom me, I can see it. The cogs are turning, but she can't share even a fraction of Josh's intelligence, or she'd be able to read it a mile off. It's hardly a cryptic mystery.

I'm his fucking ex, you stupid cow.

Carly carries on chatting away regardless.

I focus every scrap of my attention on my meal while she regales her family with more bullshit about how her twin flame brought her to life. About how incredible a partner he is, so creative, and talented, and magical. Boy, she's got a lot to learn.

Thankfully, Heather's roasted parsnips are good enough that they keep the dry heaving at bay, and once tiramisu is done and dusted with an appreciative yum, thank you so much, we are free to go.

I hope Josh's relatives can't feel my thumping heart as I hug them goodbye, one by one. I'm grateful that Connor and Carly are bailing at the same time as us, so I don't have to give them any awkward see you laters and fake smiles as we part ways.

We reach Josh's Merc as the two C's reach Carly's old Mini, and I don't bother saying goodbye, just give Connor the middle finger and slide into the passenger seat. I tell Josh to go, go, go the very second he can put his foot on the accelerator, and he speeds away, scuffing the mud of the drive up the side of his sister's Mini.

Oh, the shock on Carly's face.

The poor cow really doesn't get it. I almost feel sorry for her, but that's her business to find out, not mine. Connor can explain the situation to his lovely new girlfriend however he wants to explain it, just so long as he keeps my parents out of it. I'd want him to burn in hell forever more if he so much as uttered a word.

"You alright?" Josh asks when we're down the lane and back onto the main road, and I take a breath.

"I guess so. Kind of. Seeing him like that has only reinforced just how much of a wanker he is, so that's a win."

"You did crazily well back there. I'm surprised you managed it, really. If Amy showed up at your parents' dinner table the first time I ever met them, arm in arm with your brother, I don't think I'd manage to keep my cool."

"Good job I'm an only child, isn't it? No unexpected surprises."

"Thank fuck for that." He takes a deep breath of his own. "I'm sorry, Ells, I really am. I should have put two and two together, or checked in more, or at least had some kind of clue what we were walking into."

"Good job you didn't, or we'd never have walked into it."

"That's a very good point."

I squeeze his thigh as he drives. "Thanks for coming to the bathroom and rescuing me from the sack of shit. He'd have argued with me all afternoon."

"Sorry I didn't get there sooner, but Mum was quizzing me."

My gut lurches again. "What did you say to her?"

"Nothing much. That you hadn't been feeling well all morning, and you had some history with Connor around Camden."

"What do you think Carly made of it? Do you think she knows about me and him?"

"I think he's going to have some explaining to do, but that's their bag, not ours."

I look out of the window, grateful again to be out of there. "Yeah, it is."

I despise the pang I get in the ribcage as the adrenaline begins to wear off.

"He must have really played me down to her, or she'd have known who I was from a mile off. All those years together, and he wrote them off as nothing, just to get a piece of her. I just… it's hard to believe."

"Hard to believe what a piece of shit he is?" Josh looks at me. "Yeah, I'm with you, and I was in the same boat myself with Amy. It took me a long time to realise just how much of a cheating bitch she was when things were over. Stuff came out of the woodwork from other entertainers. People that knew her. Apparently, it was my fault, not just hers."

"Yeah?"

His jaw tightens. "Yeah. She painted me in a bullshit light to stay friends with people after she ditched me. She told them we'd been on the rocks for ages. It sure was news to me if we were. I hadn't got a clue."

There's such solidarity between us in our fucked-up situations. Hell knows what Connor was saying to Carly about me when he was getting involved with her, or more specifically, the lack of mentioning me. And who knows how long he was doing it for? Was he organising date nights with her every chance he got, safe in the knowledge that I'd be stacking shelves through a lot of his gigs?

I try not to dwell on it, but it's hard. I feel the lump in my throat once Beaconsfield is behind us – my wall of steel melting away, but I don't want to give the prick even one more drop of my pain.

Josh knows I'm struggling as I stare out of the window, and he gives my knee another squeeze. I try to fight the hurt, but it's a bitch waiting to strike. I try to suck in a breath, but it chokes me. The lump in my throat won't go away.

"It's alright," Josh says. "It's ok to get upset, Ells. Don't try to brush it off like it doesn't matter."

"It shouldn't matter," I choke. "I hate him."

"Yes, but you didn't hate him when he was fucking my sister behind your back, did you? You loved him."

"I did more than love him. I worshipped the ground he fucking walked on, the stupid arrogant prick." I shake my head. "I still can't believe he did that to me."

"I still can't believe Amy fucked me over like a callous bitch either, but I'm glad she did," Josh says, and his eyes are so fiercely green when he flashes me a glance. "Or I wouldn't have met you, would I? I'd still be in love with a liar incapable of giving a shit for anyone but herself and her own fucking fantasies. Good fucking riddance."

I admire Josh's profile as he drives, remembering how he barged into the bathroom and pulled me close to him while Connor and I were battling. I remember how many times he squeezed my knee under the table while I was trying to get through dinner. I knew the offer was there to get out at a moment's notice, all I had to do was say the word.

Such strength. Such respect.

The lump in my throat disappears as I stare at my new boyfriend, because Connor isn't worth another single drop of my tears. He isn't worth shit. Josh is right about our exes, too. I'm glad Connor was a lying, cheating, self-obsessed prick, or I wouldn't have met Josh. And I wouldn't be an entertainer, either.

"Good riddance to bad rubbish," I say and smile at the man beside me. "Both Connor and Amy can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. And Connor can come to Sunday dinner as much as he likes. That piece of shit isn't going to ruin your mum's carrots for me. I can see where you get your chef skills from, by the way. Can't wait to sample her apple crumble as well as her tiramisu. Georgia was raving about it."

He grins. "Can't wait to experience your mum's steak and kidney pie, either. I'll ask her for a cooking lesson when she arrives. I suck with pastry. Always have."

"Nah, you don't suck at anything. Ever."

I adore his laugh. "That's not quite true, baby. I suck plenty. Mainly dicks, of course."

"Yeah, well, I can rival you on that today." I hold up three fingers. "I've got a three on one booking later, in case you'd forgotten."

He gives me a side eye, with a filthy smirk. "Forgotten? Hardly. I should be shaking Connor's hand to be fair. We might have lost out on a decent few hours of preparation time if the tosser hadn't been sitting on the other side of the table."

"You're going to help me prepare for later, are you?"

"You could say that, yes."

"Nice." I feel my mood lightening. "Going to share the details?"

"No. You can wait and find out."

"Better put your foot down then, hadn't you? The clock is ticking."

The smirk on his face makes me grin and I'm feeling more like myself again. Back to the new me, without a sponging, self-obsessed asshole pulling me down.

Instead, I have a hot, dirty boyfriend lifting me up, and that's what I want.

I want hot, dirty sex.

I want filthy hardcore.

I want Josh.