Chapter Sixteen

Xavier

For such a hectic day, I’m unusually energetic. It started with a seven a.m. troubleshooting meeting with the Canadian team and things went downhill from there. But every time I remember the softly whispered “I love you,” I want to howl in pleasure. The feeling it gives me in the pit of my belly is indescribable. Possession. Need. Bone-deep joy.

When was the last time I allowed myself to just be happy? Since before Taylor. I’d been in such a dark place after Taylor died; Zoey had constantly begged me to get grief counseling. She still thinks I have a lot of unresolved issues, but Brooke… Brooke is my happy place. Proof that I can love another woman even more deeply and fiercely.

These past few weeks, Brooke has settled really well into my life. My friends adore her and I got to meet her family. I’ve known deep down for a while that Brooke loves me. I feel it in her touch, the way she responds to me. She looks at me as if she wants to give me the world, despite everything I already have, everything I could give her. But to hear her say it was another feeling entirely.

My phone vibrates and I see her text.

Brooke:

Xavier, I’m so sorry, can I take a rain check on our date tonight? I don’t feel very good .

I call her immediately. She picks up on the second ring.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I’m—just feeling a bit off.”

“Maybe you’re coming down with the flu or something?”

“Yeah, maybe,” she says in a low voice. “I’m sorry about tonight.”

“Oh, don’t be silly, babe, we’ll do it another day. I’ll drop by yours in an hour. Do you need me to get you anything?”

“No, I’m good, and really, you don’t need to come tonight. I just need to sleep it off. I’m sure I’ll be alright tomorrow.”

“I want to see you, Brooke.”

There’s a pause, then, “Okay.”

“Great, I’ll see you in a bit.”

I hang up and call to cancel the standby helicopter as Gail’s maternal voice comes on the intercom. “Your four o’clock just arrived, Mr. Bennett.”

“Thank you, Gail, send them in,” I say, throwing on my suit jacket.

When Stella lets me into their apartment, she has an unnaturally bright smile.

“Xavier!”

“Good evening, Stella, you look well. ”

“Thanks, Brooke is just having a rest.” She takes the grocery bag out of my hands and shoos me into her room. “Give me a shout if either of you needs anything.” She scurries off quickly.

Strange. Stella usually lingers to chat unless she’s on her way out. Which she isn’t.

I find Brooke curled up in bed crocheting. Which means she’s stressed about something.

I take off my jacket and get on the other side of the bed, gathering her in my arms. She puts her face in the crook of my neck, inhaling my skin.

“God, I love it when you do that.”

“You smell amazing. These days there are not many things that do,” Brooke murmurs.

Unusual. “Are you okay?” I ask.

“I am now.”

“What do you want for dinner?” I take my phone out.

“I’m not really hungry.”

“Some soup then. Tomato soup and bread from Libby’s, okay?” She doesn’t look too keen but also doesn’t say no, so I make the order.

“So how did it go with the school board today?”

“Oh, same old, you’d think we were haggling at a flea market. It’s just about hiring a teaching assistant to help with the art and music club, even just on a temporary basis because we’re heading into summer now. There’s a lot of activity before the summer break.” She sighs. “We got there in the end; they’ll get us someone.”

“That’s great,” I say, proud of her for getting it done.

“What about you? Was your meeting alright? You hardly got any sleep last night.” She blushes .

We were ravenous in our need yesterday, indulging in each other for hours.

“It was good, thanks. We should do last night more often.”

“Xavier, I don’t think I’ll survive having several nights like that.”

“Sure you will, we’ll work on your stamina.”

“It’s… too much pleasure.” Her breath hitches.

Desire unfurls low in my belly and I go from semi-hard to rock-hard.

“There’s no such thing,” I say, then deliberately steer the conversation to safer ground before I attack her while she’s sick.

“Lisa’s been asking for you. She’s doing some art from school and wanted to do it together with you. She’s been collecting all sorts of leaves and sticks and sweet wrappers and wouldn’t let Dan help because ‘nobody does it like Brooke’.”

“I miss her too. It’s been over a week, I think.”

I’ve been keeping Brooke to myself in the past week. My tight network of friends and family have been all over Brooke because she’s such a delightfully warm person but I want to have some alone time with my girlfriend for a few weeks before I let them have her again.

“Lisa adores you, and so does Zoey. And Dan. And all the boys. You’d think you walked on water or something.”

She smiles. “You have a wonderful family, Xavier, and Lisa is super fond of you. She made it so hard for me to avoid you in the beginning.”

“Yeah, Lisa’s on my team alright.” I laugh. “She knows she can get away with murder with me.”

Brooke giggles. “I know right? You’re such an amazing uncle. ”

“Thanks, babe.” I kiss her forehead, and we settle into a comfortable silence.

“Were you there when Lisa was born?” she asks suddenly.

“You mean in the delivery room? No, thank you. Dan would have my head!”

She laughs nervously. “Of course not. I meant since she was a baby.”

“Pretty much.”

“So, were you alright with, you know, with feeding and changing and burping, potty training and the like?”

I pause and look at her. Strange question. She has this terrified look on her face. “Well, it’s all a blur, really. I don’t remember the specifics. I might have changed a nappy or two—”

“Have you ever, you know, thought about having a baby yourself?”

A shrill ringing starts in my ears. I go very still, waiting for it to pass. “No. Why do you ask?”

She shrugs, avoiding my gaze, and I know something is very wrong.

“Brooke?”

“Xavier, I’m pregnant.”

I feel the blood drain out of my face.

“Excuse me?”

“I said I’m pregnant.”

I stand, suddenly needing to put as much space as possible between us.

“You said you were on the pill.” My voice rises, and I ball my tremoring hand in a fist.

“I did. I was, but I think I missed a couple—”

“You missed a couple! Jesus, Brooke, how could you have been so careless?” I roar.

“Xavier, please stop shouting at me. You could take some responsibility too. You’ve never ever used protection, not even the first time.”

“Because you said you were on the pill!”

“But you didn’t know me then,” she shoots back. “How many girls could be walking around pregnant by you?”

It’s impossible because I’ve never ever gone without protection. Not even with Taylor. Still, the mental image her words paint crushes my chest in a tight fist, and I hyperventilate. I don’t know what comes over me when I say, “And so how do I know it’s mine if you’d let a man you don’t know fuck you without protection?”

She recoils as if she’d been hit and visibly pales. Her eyes fill with tears.

“Xavier, please don’t be ugly about this.”

“I’m a fucking idiot for believing you.”

“I swear I didn’t lie, I didn’t. I—I had a lot on my mind and just forgot.” She’s sobbing now. Seeing her cry is torture; my skin feels on fire with the need to take her in my arms and tell her it’ll be okay. But I can’t make myself touch her. It’s not going to be okay. She’s pregnant, for Christ’s sake!

My throat closes, and I yank off the first few buttons of my shirt. Still, the air feels cloying and heavy. I need some air. I can’t do this… I don’t realize I’ve said that out loud until she says, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I need to leave. Right now.” I grab my jacket.

“Xavier, please let’s talk about—”

I yank open her bedroom door and come face to face with Stella, who leaps a foot away from the door as if she’s been standing next to it. She’s livid. “That woman loves you and trusts you, and I truly believed you were a decent human being. Guess what? You hurt her more in the last ten minutes than her ex did in a whole year.” She points to the front door. “Get the hell out and don’t ever come near my friend again.”

I’m numb, which is why Stella’s words don’t sink in. Or maybe it’s the damned ringing in my ears. As soon as I get outside, I take huge gulps of calming breaths. My heart rate slows and my knees weaken. I need to lie down before I collapse.

I don’t remember the thirty-minute drive home, but as soon as I get in, my bed calls to me like a siren and I gratefully collapse into it. Brooke’s smell envelopes me and I take a deep breath, filling my nostrils. I need her. Badly. But she’s pregnant. I got her pregnant. I’m a fucking selfish asshole.

I pick up my phone and scroll down to a number I never thought I’d call again. It rings off. He’s busy. Obviously. My phone starts to ring almost immediately.

“Hello, Dr. Carlson,” I say.

“Xavier. What a pleasure. How can I help?”

“I was hoping I could come and see you.”