Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Gray

Everything was finally starting to smooth out, yet the calm only made me more miserable. Max came home from the hospital today, Ella and I had developed a routine, and two of my company’s first investments were doing great.

Of course it was a temporary step forward into smooth waters, because when Max was gone, the rocky waves would be back. I’d had a trial run at being a father, yet one that didn’t involve the death of the only parent my daughter had ever known. At some point I’d be the replacement twenty-four seven, no matter what.

But for now, the lull of smooth sailing had me second-guessing what I’d done with Layla. Or nine hundred and ninety-seventh-guessing might be more accurate. I’d looked at Ella like a burden to Layla—but the truth was, as I got to know my daughter and got the hang of things, I had started to wonder if maybe, over time, Layla would come not to see Ella as a burden either.

Ella was a blessing. Sure, there were plenty of tough times ahead. But yesterday we’d spent the entire day together, and somehow my little angel kept the miserableness inside of me at bay. Today I was alone, and I wanted to fucking kill someone. I hadn’t considered that she could make my life better—make mine and Layla’s lives better.

I was in no mood for company tonight, but Etta had invited me for dinner with her and Rip three times in the last week. I didn’t want to insult them both.

I let myself in with my key and stopped on the stairs, overhearing the two of them talking.

“She’s a real looker,” Rip said. “Probably has a line around the block of men wanting to take her out now that she’s back on the market.”

“Smart, too. I didn’t see any other women in the courthouse looking like her. The man was very handsome. Had good posture. There’s nothing like a man who can carry himself well.”

I took the stairs two at a time. “I have a pretty good idea who the two of you are talking about from smart, a real looker, and courthouse, but I’d like to know who the asshole with good posture is.”

Etta and Rip looked at each other like they’d been caught in the middle of a robbery. Wide-eyed, Etta tried to sweep what I’d heard under the table.

“Zippy.” She walked over and kissed my cheek as I stood rigid, waiting for an answer. “I’m so happy the three of us were finally able to find time for another dinner.”

I shook Rip’s hand, looking him in the eye. “What’s the story here, Rip?”

He looked at Etta and shrugged apologetically before turning back to me. “Etta went to court with your girl last week. Some suit was trying to make time with her in the hall of the courthouse, asked her to go out for drinks.”

I clenched my teeth so hard, a headache immediately came on. “Who?”

Etta shook her head. “I don’t remember his name. But he was handsome. Sounded like they were friendly. He was a lawyer.”

“And she made plans to go out with him?”

“She was noncommittal at the courthouse.”

The muscles in my shoulders loosened marginally. But then some sort of a strange, silent communication took place between Etta and Rip.

“What?” I said.

“Nothing.” Etta pointed to the kitchen. “I think I smell the bread burning.”

After she rushed to the kitchen, I looked at Rip again. “What else is there that the two of you aren’t telling me?”

He blew out a deep breath. “Etta got a statement in the mail from your girl’s firm yesterday. The fees were zeroed out. Layla had taken care of her stuff pro bono. Etta called the office to argue about getting a real bill, and when Layla wouldn’t agree to give her one, Etta told her she wanted to at least make her a nice dinner to say thank you.”

“Okay. So?”

Rip frowned. “Layla had plans…with the guy from the courthouse, apparently. A real big spender, too. Taking her to The Plaza tomorrow night for dinner.”

The miserable feeling I’d had all day suddenly sprouted through my body. My head pounded, my stomach became knotted, and it felt like an elephant had sat his ass on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. I went to the kitchen, grabbed whatever alcohol Etta had in her cabinet, and filled half a glass. The urge to crush it in my hand was overwhelming.

Rip sat down in the living room. “I’m sorry, Gray. I didn’t want to give you that news.”

I drank half the bitter-tasting fluid in one gulp, hoping for something to help me feel calmer, something to numb me.

“I know she deserves a good life. I just hate that I can’t be the one to give it to her. The thought of her being with anyone else makes me want to bash every fucking lawyer’s head into a wall.”

Rip chuckled. “Well, that wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing.” He shook his head. “Fucking lawyers. No offense to your lady.”

“How do you move on?” Rip’s wife had been gone for four or five years now. “Does it get easier?”

“Did a single day go by that you didn’t hear my Eileen’s name when we were locked up?”

I thought about it. I was pretty sure I knew more about Eileen than Rip. My head fell into my hands. “Fuck.”

Rip leaned forward, took the half-empty drink from my hand, and slugged the rest of it back. “Tell me about it.”

I was miserable company during dinner and after. I’d have to send Etta some flowers to make up for it. At least Etta and Rip seemed to have hit it off. The two of them were actually pretty entertaining together. Between my sour mood and the additional drinks I kicked back, I left feeling ready to hit the sack.

I rested my head against the seat of the car for the entire drive home and closed my eyes. It wasn’t like I’d expected Layla to stay celibate or anything. But what had it been? A whole two fucking weeks, and she was already moving on? And The Plaza Hotel? The fucker probably had a room for the night, too. I knew that move. A nice dinner, a couple of drinks—you look gorgeous tonight…and, hey, my room is just upstairs.

Fuck.

The car had stopped moving, so I opened my eyes to see where we were. I had to blink a few times to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. We were stopped in traffic right in front of The Plaza Hotel. The same damned place the woman I loved would be out on a fucking date tomorrow night.

***

The next morning, I woke with my teeth still clenched, a blaring headache, and my palms sweating. The feeling of impending doom reminded me of how I’d felt the day before I’d started my damn prison sentence. But in my mind, the thought of Layla moving on had much longer-term ramifications. This loss wouldn’t be over in a few years—because when you meet the love of your life, and lose her, what do you have left? Just life without the love. Before I met Layla, I hadn’t even realized something was missing. Yet now, without her, I felt totally incomplete.

I’d experienced jealousy before, but it had come from a very different place—the green-eyed monster rearing its ugly head, an archaic sort of possessiveness over a woman that stemmed from some alpha-male, hormonal shit that bred on immaturity. But what I felt today was totally different. Sure, I wanted to beat the living piss out of the guy Layla had plans with tonight. But I also felt other emotions that were new to me—fear, grief, loss. As crazy as it seemed, it likely wasn’t all that different than struggling with the death of someone you loved.

Luckily, I had a reason to drag my ass out of bed today. Otherwise I could have stayed put the entire day, wallowing in my pussified thoughts—which I was too chickenshit to act on. But I had responsibilities that took precedence over my self-pity. My daughter expected me.

I arrived at Max and Ella’s house for my visit a little early. Paula was already there and helping Ella get dressed—foo-sha because it was Friday.

“How you feeling?”

I’d somehow come to terms with being civil to Max. While I would never understand the shit she put me through, or probably ever forgive her for it, I’d seen during her hospital stay that she had no one. And humanity made it impossible to torture her during the little time she had left.

“Good. Weak, but glad to be home.”

I stuffed my hands into my pockets and nodded.

“How are things going with you and Ella?” Max asked. “She hasn’t stopped talking about you since I got home.”

“She’s a great kid.” I paused and thought about not saying what was on the tip of my tongue. But then I thought maybe it would offer Max peace. “You did a great job raising her. She’s smart, happy, polite, and very settled for a little girl who’s going through her mom being in and out of the hospital.”

Max smiled. “Thank you. I regret lots of things in my life. But the thing I regret most is that you lost years with her because of my actions. She deserves you. And you deserve her. Time is a gift, and I hope you have many years with her, Gray. I truly mean that.”

“Thank you.”

Max took a deep breath. “I think we should tell her.”

My eyes jumped to meet hers.

“I don’t have much time left, and it might make the transition easier if she knows she still has one parent, that she’s not alone in this world.”

I suddenly got nervous. “You think she’s ready for that?”

“I do.”

I nodded. “All right, then. Whenever you’re ready.”

Max’s smile was sad. “Time isn’t something I can afford to waste. ‘Don’t put off until tomorrow what can be done today’ is pretty much my mantra now.”

Ella came flying into the room, and I quickly knelt to catch her. God, I needed that hug, beautiful girl. I squeezed her as hard as she squeezed me. Her little arms didn’t fit around me, and I found myself thinking I really hoped she still did this when they did.

“Can we go to look for Stuart again today?”

Max’s brows drew down, so I explained. “Central Park. I took her to the lake where they filmed Stuart Little.” I looked to Ella. “Sure. Why don’t we stop off and get Freckles. I’m sure he’d like to come to the park.”

She jumped up and down. “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Max bent. “Sweetheart, before you go, there is something Gray and I would like to talk to you about.”

Ella looked at her mother and signed a bunch of things I didn’t understand.

Max laughed. “Yes. You have to put your listening ears on.”

Paula seemed to sense we needed some time alone. “I told your mom I’d come back tonight to help with dinner and bath time,” she told Ella. “I’ll see you later, munchkin. I can’t wait to hear about the park.” She kissed the top of Ella’s head and said goodbye to Max and me.

“Why don’t we go in the living room?” Max nodded her head toward it.

My heart started to race. What if finding out disappointed her? What if she thought I’d known all along that she was my daughter and chose not to stick around? How the hell did you break the news to a little girl that a man she just met was really her father? I sure as shit hoped that Max had a plan, because I certainly didn’t.

Max and Ella sat on the couch together. I sat on the chair diagonally across from them. Max looked at me, her eyes seeking approval to start. Only instead of confirmation we should begin, I must’ve offered a look like a deer in the headlights.

“It’s going to be fine,” Max whispered to me before shifting to face our daughter.

“Ella, do you remember when I told you that you were smart like your daddy?”

Ella pointed to her head. “I get my brain from my daddy.”

Max smiled. “That’s right. Well, I have some news for you.”

I held my breath.

Ella signed something that made Max laugh. I really needed to learn the language fast.

“I don’t think that Gray understood that, Ella. Tell him with your words and hands.”

Ella went slow, showing me each word with her hands. “Gray.” She moved her hands in a circular motion. “Smart.” She tapped her forehead with one finger and then held up her hand, palm facing me.

I looked at Max in shock. Is she asking what I think she’s asking?

Seeing my face, Max laughed. “Ella, are you saying Gray’s smart like your daddy because you want him to be your daddy?”

Ella smiled and slapped both her hands over her face, covering it like she was shy. She spread two fingers to expose one eye and looked up at me, nodding.

I swallowed a few times to fight back a rush of unexpected tears. “Come here, you.” Hooking an arm around her little waist, I lifted Ella up from the floor and onto my lap. I nudged her hands away from her face and smiled.

“I’m glad you want that, Ella. Because I am your daddy. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here when you were a baby, but I promise I’m always going to be around from now on.”

Ella stared at me, then looked to her mother for some sort of affirmation. Max nodded.

“Can I call you…”

She lifted her hand, extended her five fingers, and tapped her thumb to her forehead twice. It reminded me of a turkey. My signing ability was shit, but I’d stumbled across the word for daddy on my first night trying to learn it online. That one had stuck with me.

“I’d be honored if you’d call me…” I mimicked the sign and added the word with a crack in my voice. “Daddy.”

Her smile choked me up. But then her pointer finger went to her lip, and she seemed to be pondering something. I glanced up at Max, who shrugged, and we waited.

“Does that mean I’m going to live with you and not Mommy?”

I shook my head, but then realized someday soon that would be the case, and I didn’t want my first act as her official father to be a lie. I looked at Max and gave her the nonverbal cue for how do I answer this one?

Max took Ella’s hand. “You get to have two places to call home. One with Mommy, and one with Daddy. And that’s kinda cool because if one of us ever needs to…go away…you’ll always have a place to call home.”

Ella turned to me. “Are you going away again?”

“Nothing in the world could make me leave you now that I get to be your daddy.”

Ella smiled. “Okay.”

“And you know what else?” I said.

“What?”

“You know the room you slept in at my house?”

She nodded.

“That’s going to be your room from now on. So you always have a place to call home when we’re together. And, I’ll tell you what, you can pick out your own paint color, and we can buy some decorations for it so it feels like your room.”

Ella’s eyes widened. “Can I paint it my favorite color?”

“We can paint it whatever you want.”

She smiled. “My favorite color is rainbow, just like Layla’s.”