Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Gray

I took my time walking to the door.

Ella’s sweet little breaths blew on my cheek with each exhale as her head rested on my shoulder. A few weeks ago, I never would’ve thought this would be my life. If anyone had told me I’d be stalling before I rang the bell to return my daughter to her dying mother, I’d have told them they were fucking nuts.

And the nuts part wouldn’t have been that I had a daughter; it would have been that I could fall so hard and so fast for a child I hadn’t even known existed not too long ago.

But Ella was special. Smart, funny, with a zest for life that I’d forgotten existed, not to mention—I looked over at her sleeping face—adorable, even when she was drooling on my shirt. I was still terrified, and a part of me couldn’t yet fully comprehend the enormity of what would be happening sometime in the near future, but I wanted it. I wanted to take care of this little girl, protect her from all the evils in the world, and be a father who was there for her. They say children learn from watching their parents, not by what parents say in words. Well, the same holds true for children who didn’t have the best role models. I’d learned from my father what not to do.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If I’d found out I was having a child three years ago, when my work was the most important thing in my life, I might’ve followed in dear old Dad’s footsteps, letting everyone else raise my kid and focusing on money and power. But the years of nothing to do but think had given me direction. Ella’s needs would come first…no matter what. So would Layla’s.

I rang the bell and waited to return my sleeping beauty. After a few minutes, I rang it a second time. Still no response, so I began to dig into my pocket for my phone when the door finally opened. Max looked like shit compared to this morning. And this morning she’d looked pretty damn awful.

“What’s going on? You okay?”

She had a blanket wrapped around her. “Yeah. I’m just cold. I fell asleep on the couch.”

I squinted. “It’s eighty-something degrees out. Do you have the air on too high?”

“No. It’s a side effect from some of my medicines. Cold and sleepy.”

I reached out and felt her head. She wasn’t warm.

Max attempted a smile, but it looked like she didn’t have the energy. She stepped aside for me to come in. “How long has she been sleeping?”

“Maybe a half hour. She conked out on the drive home.”

“Would you mind putting her in her room?”

“Sure.”

I walked my princess to her room and laid her down on the bed. She stirred, but rolled on her side and never opened her eyes. Tucking her in, I kissed her forehead before backing out of her room, trying not to make a sound.

Giving a shit about Max’s well being caused me to have mixed emotions. I wanted to walk right past where she sat in the living room—giving the same fucks she’d given about me as I’d rotted in prison for three years. But I was human. Not to mention, she took care of my daughter. So I needed to make sure she was capable of doing that.

“You going to be okay?” I stood in the archway between the hall and living room.

Before she could answer, a teakettle whistled.

“I don’t want that to wake up Ella.” She stood and walked into the kitchen.

I followed. “Do you have anyone who helps you? Checks in on you?”

She took the kettle from the heat and moved it to a different burner. “I don’t have many bridges that I haven’t burned. I have Paula, who works for me. She takes care of Ella while I work.”

I knew Max was an only child like me; she and her mother weren’t close. As far as I remembered, she had an aunt in Connecticut she got along with pretty well. What was her name? Betty, Betsy… Her last name was Potter, and I remembered it was close to those children’s books about rabbits. Beatrix. That’s it. “What about Beatrice?”

“She died last year. Stroke.” Max opened a cabinet and reached up for a mug. “Would you like some tea?”

“I’m sorry to hear that. No tea. Thanks.”

She poured a mug full of hot water and dipped a tea bag in. Turning around she said, “I’ll be fine. I can handle her still, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I can take her for the night if it’s too much.”

“No.” She shook her head and looked down. “I’ll know when it’s too much. I won’t put her at risk, even though I do want to spend as much time as I can with her.”

I nodded.

Max let out a big sigh. “I need to say something you might not like.”

What exactly did she think had come out of her mouth in recent years that I did like? The lies, the manipulation? I bit my tongue.

“What’s on your mind, Max?”

“I’m concerned about Layla.”

“What about her?” I snapped.

“Ella is going to lose her mother. That’s going to devastate her. But there’s nothing either one of us can do about that.”

“Understood. But what’s that got to do with Layla?”

“Ella will grow attached to her. She’ll seek out another woman. It’s natural. She will want a mother figure.”

I clenched my jaw. “And?”

“And when Layla walks away, it will be no different than a death in Ella’s mind—another loss when she’s already so vulnerable.”

“You sound pretty fucking sure she’s walking away.”

“You’re a hard man to walk away from, Gray. But she’s not ready for a family yet.”

“You spent, what, a half hour in her office a few weeks ago? Pretending to be a client when you really just wanted to stick your fucking nose into my business? And you know all this about her?”

“We spent a few minutes together today talking. I watched her with you and Ella.”

I shook my head. “You’re fucking unbelievable.”

“You see what you want to see in women, Gray. Always have. I guess it has something to do with your kind mother and losing her at such a tender age.”

“What are you, Sigmund Fucking Freud? You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

And what the hell was I still doing standing here? I turned around and started to walk toward the door, never looking back as I spoke. “I’ll be here Sunday at noon to pick up Ella.”

***

Layla had been quiet the entire ride back to Manhattan. I hadn’t noticed for three quarters of it because I was still steaming from my little conversation with Max. That woman had balls to try to tell me about my love life. I’d decided to keep her thoughts to myself, rather than unload them on Layla. There was no point in making the strain between her and Max worse.

“You’re quiet.” I laced my fingers with hers as we exited the bridge. “Everything okay?”

She smiled, but it didn’t reach her beautiful eyes. “Yeah. Just tired.”

“Are you still up for going out to dinner?”

“I’d actually rather stay in, if you don’t mind.”

I lifted her hand to my mouth and kissed it. “Whatever you prefer. While I love the idea of showing you off in a sexy dress, I’m a big proponent of naked Chinese, too.”

I wasn’t even sure if she’d heard me. Layla seemed off in another place. She looked out the window and then turned to me. “Ella is amazing.”

I smiled wide enough for both of us. “Am I a conceited bastard if I say I agree?”

She genuinely smiled this time. “Not at all.”

We pulled up outside of her apartment building, and I jogged around to her side of the car to open the door. Then I told my driver to take the rest of the night off.

Helping Layla from the car, I explained. “I don’t plan on leaving tonight, unless you kick me out. And if that happens, I can take a cab.”

Once we were upstairs, Layla disappeared into the bathroom, and I opened a bottle of wine and poured two glasses. Something about the way she was acting still seemed off to me, but I thought perhaps I was over-examining everything at this point because of the shit Max had planted in my head. That woman was pure fucking evil.

I handed Layla a glass of wine when she came back to the kitchen. “Are you hungry? You didn’t eat much of anything this afternoon except that ice cream. Why don’t I order us something?”

She sipped. “Sure. That sounds good.”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“Whatever. You can pick.”

I took her wine glass from her hand and set it down on the kitchen counter, along with mine. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pulled her against me. “If you’re allowing me to pick whatever I’m in the mood for, you might go hungry.”

I brushed her hair back from her face and waited until our eyes met. “Thank you for today. It meant a lot to me to get to spend time with my two girls together. But I’ll admit, as much as I enjoyed it and wouldn’t trade it for the world, I’m glad I have you all to myself right now.”

“It won’t be that way when…I mean, it won’t be that way when Ella is living with you.”

“I’ll have to soundproof the bedroom walls.” When she didn’t smile, I pulled back in order to examine her expressions better. “Talk to me. What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head. “I don’t know. I just got my period, so I’m feeling a little moody, I guess. Plus, I’m tired. My iron is probably a little low.”

I wanted to believe it was nothing, so I didn’t push. After our wine, Layla took a shower and left me to pick out something to order for dinner. She’d directed me to the menu stack in her desk drawer and told me to be careful because the drawer was sometimes wobbly.

Wobbly was an understatement. I pulled out the drawer, and the entire thing derailed from the track. The wooden bottom popped out, and the contents dumped all over the floor. At least twenty pounds of crap had been crammed into a drawer only meant to hold a few hanging files. I laughed and went to the kitchen to search for a screwdriver and some pliers.

The fix was simple. Two screws had come loose that held in the bottom panel, and the drawer had been “wobbly” because one of the wheels that was supposed to roll along the track had come off. I put it all back together and started to pile the shit she had stored inside back in. There were some papers, manila folders, and a stack of notebooks. The top notebook had toppled off the stack and flipped over, landing with the back page open. Thinking nothing of it, I went to grab it, but one of the sentences on the page caught my attention.

He lies.

What the fuck was this now?

I should have just closed the notebook and kept my nose out of Layla’s business. But I couldn’t shut it after seeing the word He. I’m a man—a possessive and jealous one, no less. So, like an asshole, I kept reading.

He’s not dependable.

My heart sank. Fuck.

I’d landed right on one of her pros and cons lists. That had to be what all of the notebooks were. This one was right at the top, and the last damn page. It had to be recent.

I reasoned with myself. It’s probably about something else. I’m jumping to conclusions.

I’ll never be his priority.

My hope dwindled as I continued.

I’ll get hurt again.

Fuck.

Any hope that the list wasn’t about me went out the window when I read the last two.

Never really wanted kids.

I deserve more.

Fuck. I stared at the paper and reread the last part again.

I deserve more.

She did. Layla deserved more than an ex-con with an ex-wife who’d just sprung a kid on him.

I looked once more at the list, and it hit me that it was the last page of a notebook, and everything had been written on the right side of the page. There was a line drawn down the middle, but the entire left side was empty.

No pros.

Being a glutton for punishment, I turned the page to look at the other side and saw the headings. Pros at the top of the left, cons at the top of the right. Only on this side of the page, the con side wasn’t half full—it was filled to the fucking brim. And the pro side wasn’t empty either. There was one entry on the right.

I love him, even though I don’t want to.

“Gray?” Layla’s voice called from her bedroom.

I hadn’t even noticed the water had shut off. I fumbled to shut the book and stick it back in the drawer.

I shut my eyes. “Yeah?”

“Did you order yet?”

“No.”

“What about sushi? Umi delivers pretty fast, and they have the best tuna sashimi. I don’t think I have the menu, but they have all the standard stuff.”

“Sure. That’s fine.”

I got up from where I’d been sitting to fix the drawer and snoop, wanting to give some thought to how to handle what I’d read before talking to Layla about it. The bottle of wine I’d opened was still on the counter, but I bypassed it and went to the few bottles of liquor I knew she kept in her closet. Pouring a double shot of Jack from a dusty bottle, I sucked it back in one gulp. It tasted like shit, but the burn felt good going down.

I had another and poured a glass of wine before Layla walked out of the bedroom. She flipped on the kitchen light.

“You’re just standing here in the dark?”

I hadn’t noticed the sun had gone down, taking away all the illumination from the window. It must’ve been pretty damn dark.

“Lost in thought, I guess.”

Layla tilted her head. “Anything you want to talk about?”

“No. How about you?”

Her eyes looked away. “No. Just a big day for both of us, I guess.”

I nodded.

She played with her phone and then walked to stand beside me. “I found the menu online.”

Her hair was wet and her face free of makeup. I looked over at her while she scrolled through and read the menu. The freckles I loved so much were more pronounced from this angle. I wanted to memorize the pattern for some reason.

“Here.” She passed me her phone. “I’m going to get the seared ahi tuna. If you like the Amazing roll, I’ll split that with you, too.”

My eyes could barely focus on the menu on her phone. They just kept wandering over to study her freckles. I couldn’t ever pinpoint what it was that I loved about them, but looking at her right now, I decided it might’ve been their girlish quality, which contradicted the strong woman. Layla hid them like she didn’t want anyone to see anything but the strength in her.

God, she’s so fucking beautiful. So real, so intelligent, so…everything.

“What do you think?” she said. “Do you like the stuff in the Amazing roll?”

I hadn’t read a word of the menu. “Yeah. That sounds good. I’ll just get what you’re having.” I hit the telephone number on the screen of her phone and dug my wallet out of my pocket.

“Can I place an order for delivery?”

The woman asked what I wanted. But I’d already forgotten.

I covered the phone. “What did you want again?”

Layla’s face crinkled. “Seared ahi and the Amazing roll. I thought you wanted the same thing?”

“Yeah. That’s right.”

The rest of the night didn’t go much differently than my attempt at ordering. I couldn’t keep up with our conversation or even my own train of thought. The damn pros and cons list kept coming back to haunt me, as did Max’s words.

I just wanted to grab Layla and hold her, tell her that her list was wrong. But the more I thought about her list, the more I realized it wasn’t so far off.

He lies.

There was no denying I’d fucked up with her by not telling her about Max right away. Trust took a long time to build and two seconds to tear down. I’d thought we were making progress, but…

“You see what you want to see in women, Gray.”That’s what Max had said.

I’ll never be his priority.

While I’d like to think that she and Ella would be my top priorities, who was I kidding? Soon enough, I’d be a single dad to a devastated little girl. What would be my priority—taking Layla to dinner or staying home with my daughter?

Never really wanted kids.

We’d never even discussed a family. Stupidly, I’d assumed she wanted kids. But where was the basis for that assumption? She lacked respect for her own mother and father and the situation they’d raised her in.

“You see what you want to see in women, Gray.”

Shut the fuck up, Max.

I deserve more.

I couldn’t argue with that one. Layla deserved the world at her feet.

Oddly, the one that hurt the most wasn’t even a con. It was the only thing she could come up with as a pro.

I love him, even though I don’t want to.

By the time Layla and I were ready to turn in, I’d had too much to drink and wanted to sleep just so I could pretend tonight never happened. Slipping into bed behind her, I wrapped my entire body around hers. My arms clutched tight around her waist, while my body curved to envelop hers. It couldn’t have been too comfortable for her, but I needed it.

I really fucking needed it.

Pressing my lips to her shoulder, I wanted to tell her everything she was concerned about was going to be fine. But I couldn’t be that selfish.

Instead, I whispered. “I want you to be happy more than anything.”

She turned in bed to face me. It was dark, but I could see her face.

“Gray…I—”

A cell phone ringing cut her off. It took a moment to realize it was coming from the end table on my side. My first reaction was to ignore it, let it go to voicemail. But then I remembered I had a daughter now.

Reaching over and grabbing the phone, I tensed at seeing Max’s name on the screen. It was eleven o’clock at night. I sat up as I swiped to answer.

“What’s up?”

Her voice was shaky. “I just called an ambulance. I’m having a lot of trouble breathing.”