Chapter 2

TWO

ELLIS

Why the absolute fuck have I been smashed into a dumpster, held at gunpoint, dragged into a fucking trunk, thrown all the fuck around, and now when I’m like “Oh, there are people who could possibly save me from this fucking situation,” all they’re talking about is tweaking someone’s nuts ?

What the fuck?

What. The. FUCK?

I thrash around some more, positive someone will save me. I mean, he’s parked and there are multiple men outside the vehicle. Surely at least one of them will be like “This totally isn’t normal. Maybe we should check to see what is in the trunk .”

“I bet you know nothing about tweaking nuts,” one guy says.

“I have more skill for tweaking nuts in my pinky toe than you have in your whole goddamn weasel body,” the Scottish man retorts.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Maybe I don’t want to be saved by any of them! No, no, no. Anything has to be better than this. I throw in some kicks, not sure what it’s gaining me besides some sore toes as I hear a new person enter the scene.

“What’s in the trunk?”

Finally! Another person who could help me. Another person who might actually save me from this hell I’ve found myself in.

“Hey, Cassel, how about you throw the Scottish Shithead down a flight of stairs again? That’s always a good way to end the day,” the strange one says.

The new guy laughs heartily at the idea of tossing a person down the stairs… I’m starting to lose hope.

“Ah, good times. One of my favorite times. Best part of my youth, honestly,” the man apparently called Cassel says. At least I’m gaining some names so when I go to the police—if I live through this—I can tell them who was responsible.

“Wasn’t that like a month ago?”

What the fuck is wrong with all of these people? Maybe the new guy didn’t get the hint that I need help .

I thrash some more, kicking for all I’m worth.

“Did you guys seriously abduct someone and not call me? You know I love abducting people,” Cassel says.

What the fuck? He’s into it too? Is this just like some cult of people who love kidnapping others?

“I suggested that when he’s done with him, I buy a huge chunk of land and we’ll let the guy in the trunk go and hunt him down,” the strange one says.

“Oh damn…”

Finally! Finally someone sees how fucked up this is.

“That sounds delightful!”

How ? NO! I thought for sure he was going to see an issue with this, but nope , he’s almost giddy as he goes, “I’m in. How about the person who wins gets all of Leland’s money?”

Now there’s a Leland? Which one is he?

“Then what do I get if you win? Ooh! How about I get a picture of Jackson posing naked on top of The Fence.”

What the fuck is “The Fence”? And why would he be naked? Is it a sex thing?

I decide that I’m done. There is no longer any part of me that wants to be saved by any of these people. Maybe if I stop throwing a ruckus, they’ll forget I even exist, and then when some other normal person walks by, I’ll start up again.

“Why’d your trunk go eerily quiet?” Cassel asks.

“Did you kill him before we even got to hunt him down?” the guy I’m guessing is Leland says. “Oh no, did you leave him in there with like a pair of your socks or something and the musty smell you exude killed him? That’s so sad.”

“My scent is like musk that makes men tremble in anticipation,” the Scottish man says.

“That just…” Cassel starts, but even he can’t find words to finish this. Is he finally realizing how fucked up this all is?

The Leland guy makes an odd noise. “It’s sad, is what it is. I think your trunk mate is dead. I would probably rather keel over than sit alone in a car with you as well.”

Suddenly I hear someone in front of the trunk a moment before it opens, revealing four men staring in at me. Shocked, I realize I recognize two of them.

“Hey! That’s the vet tech at the place we take Cayenne and Sarge!” Leland says as he stares in at me.

I almost choke on my relief. He knows who I am, he’ll know that I shouldn’t be part of this fucked-up… cult or whatever it is. He knows how much I coo to his dogs. He knows that Sarge hates everyone else in the office besides me, so I’m the vet tech who’s always tasked with holding him when he comes in. Last time he even gave me the smallest lick on my hand after I’d given him a treat. I finally won that damn dog’s approval. That should count for something, right?

“Huh,” the guy I now realize is Jackson comments.

“Right? Who knew he was a murdering, sadistic asshole?” Leland says. “But he still looks alive to me, so good job not murdering him yet, shithead.”

I stare at him in disbelief. A… sadistic murderer? Me? In what universe did any of them come to that conclusion? I’ve never even gotten a speeding ticket! In high school, I got a warning because I didn’t realize a teacher was talking—not even a detention—and cried about it . How the hell could they think I’m a murderer? Is that what this is? They’ve mistaken me for someone else, and I just have to tell them they have the wrong guy, right? Maybe they’re like some vigilantes or something, and it’s all one huge mistake, and then they’ll untie me, and we’ll laugh about it as I run off and tell the police that they’re out of control.

“This is why I tell Jeremy to never trust anyone,” the one called Cassel says. “I swear my next-door neighbor has bodies in the basement.”

“Isn’t she like ninety?” Jackson asks.

“Ninety-four. But that’s how she lures them in. She’s all ‘Look at me, I’m so decrepit’ and then bam murders them.”

“I could see it,” Leland says with a nod. “She’s definitely got murderer vibes. She offered me some cookies the other day and of course I took them, and they tasted really fucking good, but I was like ‘Damn, these cookies are so fine, I’d follow her into a creepy basement for some more.’”

“Yep, that’s how she gets them,” Cassel agrees, sounding quite determined about this ludicrous theory. “That or there’s drugs in them. I’m not quite sure, but they’re very addicting.”

“So is she a murderer or a drug dealer?” the Scottish man asks.

“Why can’t she be both?” Leland asks. “Jackson, I’m feeling rather jealous that Tavish got to abduct someone, and all I got to do today was tell a woman that her husband isn’t cheating on her and was, instead, picking out a puppy for their anniversary. What’s hilarious is I recommended he go to your vet office.” He aims that part at me. “I told them how nice you all were, especially you! You’re always the sweetest when I go in there.”

I’m still really fucking nice!

“What if I recommended she go there and he decided to kill her? Tavish, for once, you’re doing solid work, even if I still don’t love you,” Leland says. “But next time you abduct someone, hit me up. I have a song for this occasion that I’ve been dying to try out. My last song was so majestic, Jackson cried.”

“A bug literally flew into my eye.”

“Do you think he was crying as he envisioned being stuck with you for the rest of his life?” the Scottish man, who I suppose is named Tavish, asks.

“AW, how cute! Like he was so excited about the idea that it brought a tear to his eye? Babe, that’s the sweetest. And it makes me feel weird inside.”

“Uh-huh… definitely what happened,” Jackson mutters.

I start rubbing my face hard against the floor of the trunk but with the plastic lining it, I can’t get the tape to catch on anything to rub it off. Then I decide that I’m just going to throw myself out of the trunk and rub it off on the road if I have to.

“He’s like one of those fish trying to flop out,” Leland says, and instead of helping me in any way, he sets a hand on my face and crams me back in before the trunk slams shut.

No, no, no. This isn’t happening. This isn’t real. I’m not going to die like this… right?

Fuck.

I’m going to die like this.