Chapter Twenty Three

Pen didn't often cry. Whenever she felt the need, she either talked herself out of it or disappeared down to the beach to let it out.

But this time she broke down in the bakery. It was just all too much. She locked the doors, pulled down the shades, and then stood in the middle of her precious business and the tears started to fall.

So much change, so much that she'd gotten wrong, she didn't know how she was going to become herself again.

Who was she if she couldn't give freely, couldn't be generous, couldn't be optimistic?

And Ash… As much as she had feelings, and she really did, she was worried about Ash going away, whatever she said. She was just being so stubborn wanting everything to be just so, why couldn't she see that some things were better left alone? The fates had handed her this bookshop, this town, this family if she wanted it, and all she could do was try to find reasons not to have any of it.

This might all have started off as something silly, stupid sunshine Pen falling over the ice queen next door. But something had happened when Ash had kissed her, a feeling that Pen had never had before, no matter how many other women she might have fallen for over the years.

For just a second, kissing Ash had been like coming home. It had fit so perfectly, been so comfortable, that Pen was sure that even if she'd have been the world's biggest pessimist she would have thought this was somehow going to work out.

Now Ash was saying that she didn't belong here, that she'd probably have to leave, and Pen couldn't handle it. For once, her optimism wouldn't stretch that far.

She took deep breaths, trying to calm herself, trying to stop the fear from taking over.

This was idiotic, in fact she needed to tell herself that.

"This is idiotic," she said, her voice hiccuping and sad.

Not good enough.

She took a deeper breath.

"This is idiotic."

Still not good enough.

She took the deepest breath she could.

"This. Is. Idiotic."

Say it with confidence, believe it, change is a good thing, the sun always comes after the rain, there is always a happy ending.

There was a knock on the door.

Jesus. For once, Pen stayed silent. She couldn't do this. She couldn't deal with not donating to Sarah Hanson's charity of the week, she couldn't deal with Moira's kids, she couldn't referee a fight between Lucy and Mr. Gupta, she couldn't even talk pre-school with Elspeth.

The knock came again.

Pen froze in place.

"Pen, it's me," said a voice from outside. There was a pause. "I know you're in there."

Ash. Against her will, Pen's heart started to beat harder, her mouth started to dry, she wanted to let Ash in.

"Pen, I can hear you yelling ‘this is idiotic' to yourself," Ash said.

With a groan, Pen went to the door and unlocked it. "You didn't have to tell me that part," she said. "Now I look like I'm crazy."

"We've all got a little crazy in us," said Ash, leaning against the doorframe. "Can I come inside?"

Pen nodded and stood back. Ash came in, closing the door behind her and then, after a second of thought, locking it too.

"I'm sorry," Ash said. "That conversation we just had was… not a good one."

"It wasn't," Pen said. "And I'm sorry too."

Ash shrugged. "When two people are as different as you and I, there are bound to be disagreements and miscommunications, that's how life works."

Pen nodded slowly. "I, uh, I have no right telling you what to do about the bookshop. You're right, I don't want you to leave, but I promise that's not the only reason I said what I said."

"I get it," Ash said. "I get that you want all this to work out, that living next door to each other and loving each other and selling books and buns together is some kind of idyllic dream. I can see it myself sometimes. But I also see the reality of things, and the reality is that life just isn't that way. It doesn't come that easily. We have to work for things."

Pen sighed. "I know. You're right. And you're honest and want to do the right thing."

Ash held on to the back of one of the chairs. "I do want to do the right thing. For everyone. About everything. I've definitely got feelings for you, Pen and I'm not running away from them. Even if I have to go and live in Argentina, I'll still have feelings for you."

"Argentina?" Pen asked. "Why Argentina? Is that a possibility?"

Ash grinned. "No, not really. It was just the first place that came to mind. I think I'm just saying that even if the dreams don't all come true, I'm still willing to put the work in?"

"Right," Pen said. She found that she was smiling. "That works for me. I suppose I could use someone to keep me a little… grounded."

"And I could use someone to teach me how to dream a little bit," Ash said. "So maybe we're good for each other."

"I think that's how it's supposed to work," Pen said. She looked at Ash. "At least if you believe the grumpy-sunshine and opposites-attract books that you'll find on the shelf to the right of the counter."

"Huh, maybe I should read some more of those," said Ash. "You know, it turns out that romance books actually have quite a lot going for them."

"They do," Pen said. "Mary always said it was like selling dreams. You'll know that by now, of course, she said it so often she must have written it down everywhere."

Ash frowned. "Written it down? You know, now that you say that, I don't think I've seen more than a telephone number or shopping list written by Mary."

"No, no," said Pen. "She kept one of those line a day journals. Except most of the time she couldn't just write a line a day, she added little sticky notes to each day and folded them over so she'd have more room. George used to tease her about buying an actual journal."

"Where did she keep it?" Ash asked.

"Um, under the phone in the shop. The big green book at the counter, you must have seen it."

"I thought it was an address book," said Ash, looking surprised.

"Who keeps an address book nowadays?" asked Pen.

"Well… Mary was… older?"

"Not ancient. Jesus," said Pen. She took a step closer to Ash. "Did you call the solicitor?"

Ash shook her head. "Not yet. You're right. There's too much conflicting information here. Whatever that Peter guy said, my mum seemed to know about Aunt Mary, so I suppose I should at least check with her first. And maybe read that journal."

"Maybe," said Pen. "But whatever happens, I'll support your decision. Even if you move to Argentina."

"Not really an option. But good to know."

Pen looked down at the table. "I, uh, got my debt consolidation paperwork today. I've got a payment plan and everything."

"Good, good," said Ash.

She swallowed. "So, uh, want to go and check out that journal?" She peeked a look at Ash, whose sharp features were disappearing into the shadows now that it was starting to get dark.

"No, not right now," Ash said softly. "Want me to check out that debt consolidation paperwork for you?"

Pen shuffled a little closer. "No, not right now." She took a breath and could smell Ash's scent. "Want to take your evening walk on the beach?"

This time it was Ash that moved closer, close enough that if Pen reached out she could touch her. But she kept her hands to herself, being patient, letting Ash control whatever was happening here.

"Not right now," said Ash. She swallowed. "So, uh, I guess we had our first fight, huh?"

Pen nodded. "Yeah, a bit of a milestone that. But, you know, there is a silver lining."

"With you there's always a silver lining," Ash said. But it didn't sound like a criticism this time, it sounded like Ash was charmingly exasperated.

"After a fight, you get to make up."

Ash was even closer now, and Pen could feel her warmth. "I see," she said. "So that's the accepted thing to happen now? We make up?"

Pen grinned. "If you want to."

"Hmmm." Ash looked serious. "That sort of depends. I mean, what exactly does making up look like?"

Pen had a flash of Ash's naked body writhing on the cool tiled floor of the bakery. She coughed. "Um, well, firstly, it probably looks like it should happen upstairs maybe? Where it's a bit more comfortable."

"That sounds good," said Ash. But she wasn't moving toward the stairs. She was moving toward Pen, reaching down and tucking a curl behind Pen's ear, cupping her chin with her hand, leaning in until their lips brushed and Pen's heart did a weird triple-beat.

Pen pulled back, breathless now. "I didn't mean we had to, um, you know."

"You don't want to, um, you know?" Ash asked, half smiling in the dim light.

"No, I mean, yes, I mean…" Pen took a breath. "I mean, I want you to know that you're in control here and that things move as fast as you like, that's all."

"In control," Ash said. Her face relaxed a little. "Mmm, yes, I like the sound of that. I think I can do in control. So, are you inviting me upstairs, Pen?"

A little of Pen's confidence came back. Ash really did want this. "I am inviting you upstairs," she said. She took Ash's hand and turned, leading her toward the stairs. "Let's just see how in control you can stay, little miss grump."

Ash growled but it was unclear whether she was cross at the nickname or turned on by the implications of what Pen had just said. Pen was very much looking forward to finding out.