Chapter Twenty

It was a chilly afternoon and Ash wrapped her jacket around herself as gray clouds scudded across the sky.

By all rights she should be feeling… confused, angry perhaps, uprooted maybe. But she felt none of those things. Alright the last couple of days had been big ones, but far from being overwhelmed she was almost relieved. Relieved that perhaps she fit in better in the world than she'd imagined.

Not that that had ever worried her before. Or maybe she just hadn't let it worry her, it was hard to tell.

But there was something about all this that was slowly starting to feel right. It was a strange feeling and one she wasn't quite used to. One she didn't really know how to examine.

It wasn't until she turned around at the end of the beach to head back that she saw someone wildly waving and yelling at her. She grinned to herself because Pen looked for all the world like a beach ball, her comfortably round body wrapped up in a bright red and yellow coat.

"I've been shouting for ages," Pen said when she finally caught up. Her cheeks were pink with chill and her long blonde curls whipped around in the breeze.

"It's windy out, I couldn't hear you." Ash pulled out her phone. "Why didn't you text or something?"

"I didn't think about it," said Pen, beaming up at her.

Ash felt a sudden need to kiss her again, to hold her close, to feel her heart beat. She swallowed and took a breath because she still didn't know what the rules were here. But as they started to walk again, Pen naturally slid her hand into Ash's and Ash found that she too was smiling slightly.

"Did you get everything I sent you?" Ash asked.

Pen nodded. "All the appointments are in my calendar already."

"Do you want me to go with you to the debt counselor?"

Pen's fingers tightened around Ash's.

"Let me rephrase that, I'll go with you to the debt counselor," said Ash. "It's nothing to worry about. I'm not going to pretend that the situation is all sweetness and light, but once your debts are consolidated and payment plans are set up, you'll do just fine." She stopped on the sand. "As long as you start paying attention to what's in the accounts before you start taking things out."

"I do," Pen started.

"Do you?" asked Ash. She sighed. "You're a very good person, Pen. But half the direct debits from your account are donations to the animal shelter or UNICEF or half a dozen other things."

"But I have to help."

"You can't help if you don't have any money at all, can you? How helpful are you going to be if you're living in a box under a bridge somewhere?" asked Ash reasonably, looking down into Pen's wide blue eyes.

Pen swallowed but nodded. "Got it." They started walking again, Ash slowing her pace to match Pen's. "Any news on the inheritance front?"

Ash sighed. "Those stupid gene sites are worthless. Not a hit on any of them. As for the rest, well, I don't think I'll ever get a real hold on who Mary was. I never knew her, I suppose I just have to accept that."

"But it's important to you, why?"

Ash gave another sigh. "Because, I suppose, I saw something in Mary that I'd have liked for myself. It's hard to explain. She was alone and yet not alone, she was so happy in every picture I saw of her."

"Probably because we don't tend to take pictures of the sad times," said Pen. "Though Mary was a pretty happy person. She was never alone though, not really. She had a whole town full of family, even if we weren't blood relatives."

"I guess."

"And that made you jealous?" suggested Pen.

Ash nodded.

"You don't have to be alone though, Ash. Not if you don't want to be. I mean, it seems like you've set things up so that you can be alone and I don't really understand why."

"Because it was easier," Ash said, stopping again and looking out over angry gray waves. "Because I didn't fit in, I never did, and when you don't fit in, you have two choices. You can pretend to fit in and fake it, or you can pretend that you never wanted to fit in in the first place and spend your time alone."

Pen let go of Ash's hand and moved her arm up so that their arms were linked, their bodies closer. "There's a third choice. You could find another place to fit in, one that's better for you. We're not always born into the place where we fit, or around people we fit with, sometimes you have to go out and find it. Actually, quite often you have to go out and find it."

"Not you," Ash pointed out. "You seem pretty happy here."

"I was lucky," said Pen.

"And what does that feel like? To be lucky?" Ash asked.

Pen moved around so that her arms were around Ash's waist. "Why don't you tell me? I mean, you washed up here eventually, that's pretty lucky. You inherited a whole building with a bookshop, that's quite lucky too, isn't it? I think luck is how you look at things."

This time, Ash didn't stop herself. She leaned down and pressed a kiss onto Pen's soft and cool lips, letting herself properly taste what she was doing, drinking it in for a long minute as the gulls cawed above them.

"You get to kiss me," Pen grinned as Ash pulled back. "That's lucky too."

"We'll need some of that luck when we go to this council meeting on Friday," Ash said, taking Pen's hand and walking on.

"It'll all be fine," said Pen. "Don't worry about it."

"Doesn't that constant optimism ever get old?"

"Nope," Pen laughed. "Besides, I don't see another way to be. I mean, I suppose I could walk around expecting the worst all the time, but then I'm not sure I'd be able to get out of bed in the morning."

"Maybe don't expect the worst, maybe just be realistic?" suggested Ash.

"But the best case scenario is just as realistic as any other outcome," Pen argued. "And whilst we're discussing best case scenario, there's something that I've noticed."

"Which is?"

"The numbers you've given me, the presentation for the council, it all involves the bookshop."

"Mmm," agreed Ash. "Since I, as a pessimist, loner, and general grump am the last person on earth that should be running a romance bookstore, as I'm sure we can all agree on."

"I'm not so sure about that. You might be a grump but you've got a squishy inside like one of those chocolates."

Ash rolled her eyes. "I swear to god, if you say that to anyone else..."

"Your secret is safe with me," said Pen. "And, back to the subject at hand, my point is not that the presentation talks only about the bookshop, it's that it doesn't mention the flat above the bookshop."

"Ah," said Ash. She'd been wondering when Pen was going to mention this and had equally been wondering just what she was going to say when asked.

Pen cleared her throat. "I, um, I was wondering if that meant something."

"It means that selling a private flat to the council would probably be a tough ask," Ash said. "You want to get them interested in the business, which is what we're doing. And I've got to say, you're a lot more optimistic about that than I am."

"I told you, something will turn up," said Pen. "If the council won't give us this grant then we'll run the world's biggest jumble sale or something. It'll be fine."

"Mmm," was all Ash could think of to say. She started walking again.

"But does that mean you'll be, I don't know, selling the flat privately?" pushed Pen. "Or does it mean that you're thinking about staying around town?"

Ash sighed. "I can't answer that question right now, Pen. I'm sorry. I know you'd like me to say that I'm staying but I honestly don't know. I have been toying with the idea of moving out of London. But I don't know if this is the place for me. It's… small."

"But lovely."

Ash laughed. "Not the point. It is a very pretty town. But everyone knows everything and I don't know if that's something I want."

"You don't want a community?" Pen asked, sounding surprised.

"I don't know what I want, not yet. And anyway, who's to say that the community wants me? Not only that, but you do know that I haven't actually signed any paperwork at all accepting this inheritance yet."

"I thought you said that your mum said that you definitely had an Aunt Mary?"

"Mmm," Ash said again. She loved her mother, but the woman was scatter-brained and the phone line had been bad and she wasn't quite ready to risk everything on that just yet. What if this wasn't right? What if someone showed up five years down the road demanding their rightful inheritance?

"Tetherington is a nice place," Pen said, sliding her hand back into Ash's. "You'll learn to love it."

"You sound confident."

"What's not to love?" asked Pen, swinging her arm so that Ash's swung with it. "Couldn't you imagine living like this? Walking on the beach every evening hand in hand with the love of your life." She paused for a second, their hands stuck up in the air. "Not that I'm saying that's me, of course, just, you know, a general love of your life."

"They come in general kinds, do they?" Ash asked, pulling their hands back down again and swinging them. "I might prefer a more specific flavor."

"Really?" Pen said, stopping once again. "What flavor is that then?"

"Sunshine flavor sounds quite good," Ash said, pulling Pen in again.

With each kiss she grew more confident, she relished the feeling of something actually feeling right, comfortable. She liked the idea of having someone like Pen. Or maybe even Pen herself. She just wasn't completely sure that this was the life for her. Not yet.

But, an hour later, when she'd bid a reluctant goodbye to Pen and sent her home, as she opened the bookshop door and Fabio slid inside, as she walked past the shelves full of books knowing that whilst not all of them spoke to her, a certain section really did, she thought that perhaps she could get used to this.