Chapter Eighteen

The first thing that Ash saw when she walked through the bakery door was a familiar, and yet oddly clean, face.

"You," she said.

"The one and only," smiled the once upon a time homeless woman. "The name's Lucy, by the way. I, um, I work here now."

"Of course you do," said Ash. Pen really was the real deal, huh? She wasn't just handing out advice and putting on a front, she actually truly was a sickeningly decent person. Ash sighed. "Is Pen around?"

"She's just upstairs," said Lucy. "I stole her shower time this morning so—"

"Because obviously you live here too," Ash said, shaking her head. "Right, I suppose I'll wait."

But Lucy already had her phone out, fingers flying. "Uh… she says she's out of the shower and you should just head right upstairs." She looked up. "Just go back through the kitchen."

"Yeah, no, that seems… personal," Ash said, determined to wait.

"Hold on… the second message says that you shouldn't be weird about it and you should just go up," Lucy said, giggling.

"Fine," said Ash. She might as well get this over with.

???

Pen zipped up her dress and examined herself in the mirror. She loved the bright reds and yellows of the pattern. She turned to the dressing table and found an eye pencil that would clash terribly but that she loved too much not to use.

"Hello?"

"Ash?"

"Do you always let other people randomly walk into your flat?" Ash called back. "Actually, no, strike that, I met Lucy downstairs."

"I'm just getting ready," Pen said. "Feel free to come into the bedroom."

"Yeah, um, no."

Pen laughed. "Then make yourself comfortable out there, I'll just be a minute."

"Fine."

As quickly as she could, Pen started putting on her makeup. She could hear Ash walking around in the living room. Secretly, she was pleased that Ash had bothered to make the visit. She assumed that she was about to apologize for being cranky on the beach, and maybe even offer her help with the council presentation.

Perhaps Lucy had been right. She came on too strong, maybe Ash needed a little space to see what was the right thing to do. As always, something had turned up and everything was going to turn out fine. Pen grinned at herself in the mirror, then remembered something.

"Oh, by the way, I had Doris Renton in the shop this morning," she called out.

"Who?" Ash asked.

"Doris. Renton." Pen paused while she put on some mascara. "She's about a hundred and eighty, the oldest person in town."

"Huh," was all Ash said to this.

"So I asked her about Mary and she said that as far as she knew Mary had no family until she found Jesus."

"Jesus?" Ash's voice had gone up half an octave.

"Yeah, Mary wasn't especially religious. I think Doris might not have quite as many marbles as she did originally," Pen said, surveying her colorful face in the mirror and nodding in approval.

"Pen?"

"Mmm?" She brushed off her dress and turned to leave the bedroom.

"What are all these?"

"What are all what?" asked Pen, stepping through the door.

Ash was holding a sheaf of letters in her hand, a look of absolute disbelief on her face.

???

Ash saw Pen visibly deflate, like all her blood was pouring out, leaving her weak and pale and lesser somehow. She held the letters out like she was presenting them to Pen, but Pen didn't make a move to take them.

"They're none of your business," Pen said sharply.

"They're not even opened."

Pen rolled her eyes. "They're fine. Nothing for you to worry about."

Ash shook her head. "No, Pen, no… This is very much something to worry about. You know that all of these are bills, right? And most of them are past due notices. I'm pretty sure that there are even a couple of legal summonses in that pile."

Pen did step forward now, taking hold of the letters that Ash was still holding. "It'll all be fine," she said. "Something will turn up."

"Yes," said Ash. "The bailiffs. Or the police. Or someone like that." She snatched the letters back from Pen. "Pen, these things won't go away. You can't just pretend that they don't exist. Are you listening to me?"

The smile finally dropped from Pen's face. "For someone who doesn't like other people interfering in her life, you not exactly doing a fantastic job of not interfering in mine."

Ash took a deep breath, still unable to believe quite what she was hearing and seeing. How had things gotten this bad? Pen must be in thousands of pounds worth of debt. How could she not see what was happening to her?

Except… except this was Pen all over, wasn't it?

"Pen, are you listening to what I'm saying?"

Then to her horror, Pen's face started to crinkle, tears started to bloom, and then she was full on sobbing in the middle of her living room and Ash didn't know what to do.

It would have been so easy, she supposed. So easy for Pen to focus so hard on helping everyone but herself. About as easy as it was for Ash to focus on helping no one but herself.

And then things spiraled out of control and suddenly Pen was left with only the hope that something would turn up, that some miracle would occur. And why wouldn't she believe that? She was the miracle for other people often enough, the miracle for people like Lucy.

Still Pen sobbed, heart-wrenching cries from the depth of her insides and Ash's heart crumbled the tiniest amount and she did the only thing she could think of to do.

She stepped in, wrapped Pen up in her arms, and held her as tightly as she could.

???

Before she knew what was happening, Pen was sobbing into Ash's shirt until the material stuck to her face and she wanted to move, to look up, but she just couldn't stand the shame of it. So instead she stayed where she was, letting Ash's arms hold her until eventually Ash moved.

"I've got a cramp. Not used to hugging people," Ash said.

Pen managed a snorted, soggy laugh and Ash took her hand, leading her to sit down on the couch with its uncomfortable springs.

"Pen, it's going to be alright," Ash said softly.

"How can you say that?" Pen said. "You've just said it won't be. You've said the police will come and everything. And I know I've been stupid, I know that. But I can't change it and… and I don't know what to do about it anymore."

"You do just what everyone else does to you," Ash said. "You ask for help. Or, I suppose, in your case you just give the help because it's the right thing to do, don't you?" She sighed. "You're just that kind of sickeningly good person."

"If that's an attempt to make me feel better, it's a very, very bad one," said Pen, still looking at her hands.

"It is," said Ash. "So let's try this instead. I can help you fix this."

Now Pen did look up, she looked up and saw that Ash was completely serious. "You… you what?"

"I can help you fix this," Ash said simply. "I'm an accountant, remember? I'm not saying I can magic money out of thin air, but I can get you sorted with a debt counselor, get all of this consolidated, start a payment plan. You're not the only person in the world to get into this state. There are places that will help you, you're not alone."

Pen took a breath feeling like she could really breathe for the first time in months. She hadn't realized just how much she'd been packing away, hiding, pretending. "You… you can do that?"

"Obviously," Ash said. She sighed and looked away. "And I suppose I could help with that thing for the council as well, if you wanted."

???

"I don't know what to say," Pen said.

"Thank you would be fine," said Ash. She sniffed and didn't look at Pen. The sight of her sad and tear-stained was suddenly a little much for her to stand.

"I think this deserves more than a thank you."

"Well, you don't have any money to pay my bill, so perhaps we should stick with thank yous for right now."

She heard Pen sigh next to her. "Ash… I know that this must be hard for you as well, to offer to take something on like this, to become tangled with someone else. I get the feeling that you see yourself as alone all the time."

"Maybe," Ash said. She swallowed. She supposed she might as well be honest. "Except that George told me something today that made me think that maybe I might have, um, misjudged things a bit. Or at least not considered all my options."

"George did?" Pen asked. "What did he say?"

"That he thought I was gay," Ash said. It sounded weird just saying it. She thought she felt Pen move a little further away from her.

"Oh… oh. You're um, you're not then?"

"What? You thought it too?" Ash said, turning to look at Pen. Pen's face was upturned, looking up at her with eyes smeared with make up. Which made Ash remember that Pen liked her face and that in turn made her think that actually… actually she quite liked Pen's face as well. "Am I wearing a big old lesbian hat or something?"

"No," Pen said. "Not at all… I just… Well, I suppose it's just one of those things. I mean, I'm gay so I suppose I default to other single women being gay too. I didn't mean anything by it and I apologize if I've made you uncomfortable or anything."

"You're gay?" Ash said, opening her eyes wide.

"Yes, you, um, didn't know?"

"Why would I?" said Ash. Although she supposed things were starting to make more sense now. Jesus, being a lesbian must be a nightmare. How were you supposed to know who else was and wasn't? Unless they told you, she supposed.

Like Pen had just done.

Pen with her nice face and kind heart and massive debts.

"Well, I am," Pen said. "Gay, that is."

"Huh," said Ash. "Well, I'm… not sure but maybe I am?"

"Wait, I thought you weren't," Pen said, looking confused.

Her lips pushed forward when she was confused, like someone would do if they were about to kiss you. Like men did at the end of a date when they left you on a doorstep, at which point Ash would usually duck inside and cry out a thank you as the door closed behind her.

That wasn't what she was supposed to do. She could see that now. She could see how that little lip thing could make your stomach turn somersaults and your mouth dry up and your heart beat a bit too hard and then…

And then she did the unthinkable.

She kissed Pen right on her candy-red lips.