20. Slade

20

SLADE

S ilver doesn’t speak to me in the car. It’s hardly a surprise. He didn’t like me back in high school, and that was before I got his brother pregnant and went to jail. But I can’t bring myself to care about what Silver thinks of me.

I have a daughter. Her dimpled smile is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s exactly like Quin’s. I loved the way she cocked her head while trying to figure out what kind of shifter I was and the sound of her feet scampering across the floor. Her little high-pitched voice plays in my head the whole way home.

He’s the biggest person I’ve ever seen.

People don’t say the ‘Wind’ part unless they call me their little wind chime.

All raccoon shifters are named after beautiful things. It’s because our parents love us.

She was so certain she was loved. When I was her age, I wasn’t even sure where my next meal was coming from. Every time Jake told me he was hungry, I felt so powerless. But Chime is a child from an entirely different world. Her clothes were clean and new. Her hair was combed.

No thanks to me.

The long drive gives me time to think about what I did to Quin. He wrote me a letter during my first month at Sciff. I never bothered to write him back. At the time, I thought it would be better for him if I cut ties completely. My initial sentence was ten years. That was far too long to ask him to wait for me. But I could have written him to say all of that. Instead, I ignored him. While he was pregnant with my child.

If only he had told me about her. Maybe he wasn’t sure if he should. After all, he thought I’d just killed someone.

Quin had to go through his pregnancy alone. He had to give birth alone. I’m sure his family was there for him, but he didn’t have a mate to hold his hand through the pain or drive him home from the hospital. He had to scrounge up money for every Christmas on his own and wake up every time Chime cried in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, I was feeling sorry for myself at Sciff and not contributing a thing.

Silver slows down when we get to a nice neighborhood with cozy little houses and white picket fences. There don’t seem to be many apartments in this area of town. Maybe Jake and Stew are renting out someone’s basement. Silver stops in front of a red brick house with a vegetable garden out front. The address number Jake sent me is printed on the mailbox.

I don’t see a separate entrance to the basement. I guess I’ll have to look around.

I reach for the door handle. “Thank you for the ride.”

“Wait,” he says.

Of course. This is the part where he tells me to stay away from his brother. I can’t blame him. I’d do the same if Jake had gotten knocked up by someone like me.

“Chime is starting kindergarten this fall,” Silver tells me.

I pause, not sure why he’s telling me this.

“Do you know how kids treat raccoon shifters at school?” he asks.

I nod. I remember the things people used to say about Quin.

“It wasn’t so bad for me and my brothers because we had each other. Chime isn’t part of a litter. When the kids call her a mongrel, she won’t have anyone to comfort her or play with her at recess. She’ll have to deal with that all on her own.”

My heart aches at the idea of anyone hurting Chime. It isn’t fair. I feel a fierce urge to protect her from the world, even though I’ve already failed her so completely.

“Imagine how much worse it will be for her if word gets out that her alpha dad is a murderer,” Silver says.

He lets those words hang in the air between us, the weight of them heavy and unbearable.

“Chime has a good life right now,” he continues. “School will be hard for her, but she has grandparents and uncles who love her. She also has the raccoon shifter community. What can you bring to the table, Slade?”

He’s right. I have nothing to give her. I don’t even have a job right now.

“All I’m asking you to do is think about what’s best for Chime,” he says. “Do you honestly think that entering her life right now is the right thing for her? Or is it just what you want?”

The ache I felt for Quin earlier turns into a chasm in my chest as I realize that Quin and Chime would both be better off without me. I climb out of the car without saying a word to Silver. He’s just trying to protect his brother. After everything I’ve done to protect mine, I can’t fault him for that.

The front door of the house opens. My brother steps outside, his hand rubbing his belly, which is round and jutting out from his small frame. The way he beams at me quiets down all the hurt and anguish in my heart, if only for a moment. For the last six years, I’ve only seen him behind plexiglass in the visiting room at Sciff, which felt like a different universe.

He waddles down the stairs as fast as he can. For the first time in six years, I’m allowed to wrap my arms around him and give him a big hug. I hold him for a long time, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He just stands there and hugs me back.

I finally release him. “This house is beautiful. Are you renting out the whole thing?”

He shakes his head. “We own it, Slade. Stew got a big bonus last year, and we were able to swing the down payment. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I wanted it to be a surprise for when you got out.”

Tears burn in the corner of my eyes. My little brother is a homeowner.

“Wow. That’s amazing.”

He grabs my hand and tugs me forward. “C’mon. Let me show you around.”

I follow him up the stairs into a living room with hardwood floors and a fireplace. Jake has a fireplace. I can’t believe it.

“Stew put in the flooring. There was stained carpet throughout the house when we bought it.” He leads me to a separated kitchen and dining area. The cabinets are old, but in a quaint, antique way that makes the kitchen feel homey. “Stew painted the cabinets. Don’t they look great? And I got that table second-hand. Also, check this out.” He reaches up to open two of the cupboards. “All our plates and glasses are matching.”

I can’t help but laugh. When we were little, we ate straight out of tin cans half of the time. The few plates and glasses we had were mismatched because our moms got them from Goodwill.

“That’s how you know you’ve made it,” I say.

He reaches out and grasps my arm. “Thanks to you.” He turns around before I can argue with him. He’s the one who’s responsible for turning his life around. But it’s obvious he doesn’t want to talk about that right now.

We walk down a hallway with three doors. One is open, so I can see the nursery inside with a crib and a rocking chair. The second door is open too. That room has a large bed and dresser. The third door is closed. Jake opens it, and I hear a loud “Surprise!” Stew is standing inside the bedroom with a big poster that says, “Welcome home, Slade!” The moment I step inside, he drops the poster to give me a hug. He’s a full grizzly shifter, so he’s just as big as I am and practically crushes me in his arms. “Congrats on getting out early on good behavior, man. We’re happy to have you here.”

The bedroom is larger than the one next door, with a king-sized bed and a big screen TV mounted to the wall. Another door opens to a bathroom, which must mean this is the primary bedroom of Jake’s house.

I notice that none of the furniture in here is second-hand like the table. It’s all brand new. In addition to the new furniture, someone has piled bags of my favorite chips and candy on the bed. After years of sharing a cell with a bunk bed and an exposed toilet, I can’t believe this room is mine.

“Do you like it?” Jake asks.

“Yeah, thank you so much.”

He walks over to the dresser and opens the middle drawer, which is stuffed with shirts. “I got you some clothes. Just a few things until we get a chance to take you shopping. I figured you were Stew’s size, but if they don’t fit I still have the receipts, and we can exchange them.” He opens the second drawer, which has pants, and a third that has pajamas. I’ve never owned so many clothes in my life. I’ve never had a gaming system either. I don’t even play video games.

How much did everything in this room cost Jake?

Stew hooks an arm around Jake’s shoulders. “Why don’t I go pick up some wings for us and let you two catch up?”

Jake shakes his head. “Let’s do pizza instead. That’s Slade’s favorite. Pepperoni and mushrooms.”

My mouth waters. God, I’ve missed pizza. Technically, they served it at Sciff, but their version tasted like cardboard.

“I’ll get wings and pizza. Because I know you’re craving wings. Don’t try to tell me that you aren’t. You rarely want to eat anything else.” He gives Jake a knowing smile.

“Fine,” Jake relents. “Wings and pizza. But I don’t just eat wings. I eat vegetables too.”

Stew laughs. “Right. The celery and carrots that come with wings.”

Jake glares at him, but he’s smiling. “They still count.”

Stew leans down to kiss him. The gentle love between them normally makes me happy. I’m proud of my brother and the healthy relationship he’s been able to build with Stew, despite all the trauma he experienced as a child. But today their playful banter makes me wonder what Quin craved when he was pregnant with Chime. I’ll probably never know.

For the first time since I made the decision to take the fall for my brother, I feel a twinge of jealousy. The moment I recognize it for what it is, I push it down. I offered to go to jail for him. It isn’t his fault that Quin got pregnant.

“I’ll be back soon,” Stew says, and heads out the door.

“Thanks, honey.” Jake sits down at the edge of my bed and tosses me a bag of chips. “You saw Quin today, right? How did it go?”

I sit next to him. A part of me is tempted to lie. What will Jake think of me when he finds out what I did to Quin? Right now, Jake is the only person I have left in the universe who thinks I’m worth something.

But I need help figuring out what to do next. I could keep my distance, the way Silver suggested. That might be what’s best for Quin and Chime. The only problem is, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last six years.

“I, um, got him pregnant,” I say.

Jake sits back, confusion etched on his face. “Today?”

“No. Six years ago. I guess I have a daughter. Her name is Chime.”

Jake sits there, silently. If I didn’t know him better, I’d think he didn’t hear me. But I remember how he ignored the hardest moments when we were kids. He’d pretend not to see the eviction notice on our front door and he’d put blankets on our moms when they were high, so he could believe they were just taking a nap.

“This isn’t your fault,” I tell him.

He gives me a sad smile. “I think it is, actually.”

“No. Quin wrote me a letter, and I chose to never respond, even after I had unprotected sex with him. That’s on me.”

He looks down at his swollen belly and rubs it tenderly. “I know you, Slade. If you were free, you would have been the best dad in the world to that little girl. You weren’t there for her because you were doing time for me.”

“That guy was going to kill you. All you did was defend yourself?—”

“I know,” he says.

We haven’t talked about this since the night of the murder. All the conversations we had at Sciff were recorded, which meant that we couldn’t without the cops figuring out what really happened.

“Quin thinks you’re a murderer,” Jake says.

I nod.

“Is he afraid of you?”

I think back to the questions Quin asked about the murder and whether I’d ever hurt anyone else. But he also offered to pick me up at Sciff and wanted me to be on top when we had sex.

“Maybe. I can’t be sure.”

Jake sighs. “You have to tell him the truth.”

“What? You can’t be serious?—”

“I’ve never been more serious in my life. You deserve to be in your daughter’s life.”

I consider what Silver said about what kindergarten will be like for Chime. I don’t think Jake has the complete picture here.

“Maybe it isn’t about what I deserve. This has to be about what’s best for her.”

Jake reaches out and squeezes my forearm. “You are what’s best for her.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do,” he says. “Chime is lucky to have you for a dad, just like I’m lucky to have you for a brother.”

Lucky? Jake doesn’t have a firm grip on reality. Chime hasn’t had an alpha dad at all for the first five years because of me. There’s nothing lucky about that.

“I’m not telling Quin. We can’t take that risk. Especially now that you’re pregnant.”

Jake considers me for a long moment. “Isn’t it my risk to take?”

“No,” I repeat.

I won’t throw Jake under the bus to make things right with Quin. There has to be another way.