Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

"WE OUGHT TO set a few more rules," Octavian said after supper was over and the inn's staff had cleared the trays from their room. The rain was still coming down in torrents, but he and Syd were comfortably ensconced in their chamber. He wanted to take control of this evening's activity…if one could call something just short of coupling a mere activity. Knowing how he felt about Syd, could he maintain his control?

He would do his best because Syd needed to be a virgin when she repeated her marriage vows. Perhaps he was a great fool for insisting on this, but it was important to him. He never wanted Syd to feel trapped by him.

Her family's traps were bad enough.

Sir Henry's trap was even worse.

For this reason, Syd's vow had to be given willingly, and it would not be if she was worried about the consequences of their night together, namely a child conceived from their wanton night of bliss.

He had assured Syd that she would be in charge and was now curious as to what she intended to do.

He wanted her to be bold, but he was also worried she would lose her heart to him as she gave him her body.

On the one hand, he wanted her to love him.

He knew that he would make her a good husband, for no one else understood her and would support her as well as he could. But understanding Syd was also a curse, for he knew she would love him completely once she fell in love with him. This also meant she would sacrifice everything to protect him.

If she got it into her head not to marry him because she wanted him to be happy and did not think she could ever satisfy him, then she would run off before the ceremony.

He did not want this to happen.

"Syd, remember this is just trial and exploration. A night of fun."

She nodded. "No hearts involved."

"Right." But he knew both their hearts were already too much involved. "What do you want me to do?"

She crossed to the door and secured the latch, then went to the window and drew the drapes closed so tightly that not a single ray of light got through.

A tallow candle burned on the small table where they had earlier taken their supper and it now served as the only illumination in the room. Syd was cast in a soft, amber glow so that she looked like a fairy princess with silken hair the color of burnished gold. "Take off your clothes, Octavian."

He arched an eyebrow. "All of them?"

She cleared her throat and blushed. "Yes."

He was not the bashful one, and would be her husband by tomorrow anyway. But he slowly removed each item of clothing, taking his time because he did not want any of tonight to be rushed.

When he had nothing left on but his trousers, he began to undo the top button of his falls. "Are you sure, Syd?"

She nodded, but blushed profusely.

He felt it was probably a mistake to take them off, but he could always put them back on if matters began to spin out of control. Of course, it would be agonizing for him to break the flow and don his trousers.

Well, he would not worry about it now.

He took off the last garment.

Her eyes grew big again when she saw his arousal.

"I can put them back on, Syd," he said gently.

She shook her head. "No, I have seen naked male bodies before."

He stifled the urge to laugh. "But they were dead. You were dissecting cadavers."

"For a noble, scientific purpose," she said defensively as she gave her back to him. "Will you please help me out of my clothes?"

"With pleasure."

Although she tried to hide it from him, he felt her body shaking and knew she was not as calm as she tried to appear. Syd would never admit to being scared, so he was not going to confront her about it since she was safe with him and always would be.

She remained turned away from him once all her clothes were off, perhaps rethinking what she was doing. "Would you like to put your shift back on, Syd?"

"No."

"Do you plan to turn around ever?"

She nodded. "Yes, just working up the courage."

He wanted to take her in his arms, but thought it better not to touch her until she faced him and he knew she was ready to proceed with whatever she had in mind. "This is the thing about intimacy, Syd. It is very…intimate. No one exists in this moment but you and me. I will understand if you are not ready for this. I warned you that feelings are potent. But this thing we are about to do is meant to give you pleasure. On the chance you needed the reminder, you can trust me with your life, with your happiness, and with your heart."

The time stretched before them.

Octavian was about to put an end to this folly when Syd finally turned to face him.

Her eyes glistened with tears that were threatening to spill. "Promise you will not hurt me."

He did not know whether she meant physically because of the size of him, which was irrelevant because he was not going to claim her virginity, or whether she was talking about breaking her heart. "I will never hurt you, Syd. You have my solemn vow."

He held out his arms to her.

She walked into them and tossed her own arms around his neck, holding onto him with unexpected desperation, as though she would drown if she ever let go of him. She was feeling something quite strongly, and it had little to with his arousal or the fact it was poking against her stomach. "Syd?"

"Just for tonight, could you pretend I am Lady Clementine?"

What?

Why was she mentioning that peahen? "Why her?"

"Because she is the one you really want."

"Blessed saints, whatever gave you that ridiculous idea?" he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief. "Let us get something clear before we take this seduction any further. Sharing a dance with a young lady does not mean I wish to marry her."

Syd squeezed her eyes shut. "You danced several dances with her and everyone said you were going to propose to her."

"Everyone? Who cares what everyone thinks? I never said any such thing."

"Do you love her, Octavian? Am I ruining your chance for happiness because you are marrying me? Oh, I know it is to be a pretend marriage that will be annulled within the year, but what if she will not wait for you to be free of me?"

He stifled a groan. "Blast it, Syd. There is nothing between me and Lady Clementine. I can assure you that if I loved her, I would never have run off with you."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes. Is this what has been bothering you all this time? Why did you wait so long to mention it to me?"

"I was waiting for you to raise the matter."

"So you had us both get naked to discuss it?" He emitted a laughing groan, for this was such a Syd thing to do. In one way, it made perfect sense. He could not run away from their conversation since he hadn't a stitch of clothing on. "If I cared for Lady Clementine, then I would have found another solution to protect you. Is this all that has been troubling you?"

She nodded.

"Are you certain there is nothing more? Because I want no misunderstandings between us. Dear heaven, Syd. You thought I was interested in Lady Clementine? For this, you were about to destroy your own happiness and freedom? You were eating your guts for days."

"I did not know how to bring up the subject."

More likely, she was afraid to bring it up and have it confirmed out of his own mouth that he was in love with another woman, Octavian realized.

"So you waited until we were standing together naked to mention it? Were you equating baring our bodies to baring our souls? If I were a different sort of scoundrel, I would be tossing you onto the bed and pumping myself into you. Talking to you would be the last thing on my mind. You are not going to take this approach with anyone else, are you?"

"Stop mocking me. You know I would never do this with anyone but you. It made sense to me at the time."

"That baring our arses would act as some kind of a truth serum?" He stifled the urge to laugh. Lord, this girl got the most infuriating ideas in her head.

And yet, she delighted him because this is who she was and there was no one else like her.

"Baring our hearts is the truth serum," she insisted, still hugging him just as he still held her in his arms.

"That would only require our going shirtless," he pointed out, feeling the rampant beat of her heart against his chest, not to mention the soft ampleness of her breasts. The sheer pleasure of it left him almost mindless.

"Octavian, do not give me a hard time about this."

He was already hard, how could she not notice?

But he gave her cheek a caress. "All right, no more teasing. Just the naked truth."

"Octavian!"

"Sorry, I couldn't resist the pun." He sighed and shook his head. "There is no one else for me, Syd. You are the only one I ever cared about. You are not interfering with my marital plans because I haven't any, and certainly will never have any regarding Lady Clementine."

"But she is beautiful."

"So are you."

"She is prettier."

"Not to me, so stop trying to diminish yourself in my eyes. You are every bit as worthy as she is, if not more so. My protecting you is not a sacrifice. In fact, quite the opposite is true. It is the only thing my heart will allow me to do. I'm going to put my clothes back on if we need to discuss this further."

"No, don't. It isn't necessary."

"Then you are ready to take your turn kissing me?" And doing whatever else she had in mind to do with him in that bed.

"Yes. And are you certain you do not mind?"

He kissed her lightly on the cheek. "I do not mind, Syd."

"Thank you. I'm so glad we got that straightened out. It pained me to think that by helping me, you were ruining your own chance at happiness." She hugged him tightly once more and made no move to release him.

He debated whether to lift her in his arms and carry her to bed, but quickly realized Syd needed this moment to experience something she had never felt in her entire life.

This was not about a wanton night of sex.

Or a steamy kiss.

This was about her feeling safe and protected. Perhaps this was also about her feeling wanted, yet another thing Octavian did not think she had ever experienced. Her two inept parents must have shown their love to her ineptly as well. What had they said to Syd? Was she made to feel responsible for their financial burdens?

Did they blame her for everything wrong in their lives?

His heart ached for her. "Syd, let me take care of you."

"Isn't this what you are already doing?" she asked, looking up at him with big, hopeful eyes. "Who else would have been foolish enough to offer me marriage as a solution to my problems? Not that you are foolish. You are too good to be true."

"And this scares you?"

She nodded. "More than anything else. Even more than marriage to the odious Sir Henry."

"What if I also considered you to be too good to be true?"

She laughed. "That is not possible."

"Why not? Syd, you are beautiful. Smart. Compassionate. Quick-witted. What makes you think you are not a dream woman for me?"

"How can I be? I am not even sure my own parents love me. I don't think they know how. I convinced myself they did because a child needs this security in their home life. But there was so much heedless disregard going on around me. How can a four-year-old child understand responsibility better than her own parents?"

Yes, that was a good way to describe her parents.

They were irresponsible.

Selfish, too.

"Let's talk about this, Syd. I want you to tell me all about yourself. But can we do this while lying in bed? I'll still hold you, but you'll be warmer under the blankets."

"All right."

She gave a little cry of surprise when he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the bed. Perhaps the gesture was a little grandiose, but he felt it was necessary. Syd was baring her heart to him, allowing her protective shell to come down as she nestled in his arms.

She was about to share her hopes, dreams, and fears with him.

For the first time in her life, she was trusting someone other than herself to know her inner thoughts, to care for her and protect her.

He felt the softness of her cheek against his shoulder as he set her down on the bed and then settled beside her.

She sniffled, but was fiercely determined to hold back her tears. Well, this was Syd. Always reluctant to show weakness, and tears were the most obvious form of weakness.

It did not matter to him whether she fought them off or not. He understood what she needed from him. He was willing to give her everything.

He kissed the top of her head and ran his fingers lightly through her curls, afraid to say anything to put an end to this moment.

Syd was in charge and would tell him what she wanted.

If a talk and a hug was all she needed tonight, then so be it.

He wasn't going to question why they both had to be stark naked for a conversation or a mere hug to take place.

Was she now going to forget about kissing him?

"Am I dreaming you up, Octavian?" she whispered, snuggling against him as they lay in bed.

"No, Syd. I'm real and not leaving your side."

"What if I want you to go?"

His heart skipped several beats. Why was she asking him this? No, how could she be? Not now, not after what they had just shared.

Bloody blazes.

He wasn't leaving her.

More important, he was not letting her go, even if she now thought to leave him.

"Are you bidding me farewell? Is this what our naked hug was all about?" He tried not to sound angry. "Are you showing me your breasts and your body as a consolation gift because you are going to run off?"

Her eyes rounded in obvious surprise. "No, it is just a hypothetical question."

"Syd, do not ask me that again. We are in this together. Stop thinking of yourself as alone against the world."

She frowned. "Stop telling me what to do. The truth is, I am alone against the world. I have always been alone. Oh, now you are frowning back at me."

"I am not frowning at you. I am merely angry at everyone who ought to have protected you and never did. All I am trying to say is that you have me now, and I wish you would learn to rely on me."

"I will. Is this not what our race to Scotland is about?"

"For how long, Syd?"

"What? Rely on you? I don't know…for as long as you can abide me. You are going to get angry with me at some point during our marriage because this is what I seem to do best, infuriate and anger my loved ones. Then you will leave me. So let us not pretend it will be otherwise." She shifted out of his arms and turned away from him.

Gad, would she always doubt her ability to hold his love? "Short of setting fire to the bed while I am in it," he said, drawing her back into his arms, "I doubt there is anything you can do to make me want to walk away from you."

"Oh, now you sound irritated."

"I am not irritated."

"And now we are fighting."

He groaned. "We are in bed together, naked and hugging each other. This is not a fight. This is you trying to learn about trust. I know you trust me because you would not have undone so much as a button if you did not. In fact, you trust me more than you have ever trusted anyone in your entire life including yourself because…need I point out again that we are…naked?"

"No, you do not. I am quite aware."

"Syd, your problem is not me or anyone else. Your problem is that you do not trust yourself. Nor do you trust this feeling of safety because no one in your entire life has ever made you feel safe."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You needn't apologize to me. I am not chiding you for it. In fact, I admire you even more for accomplishing all you have done while so heavily burdened." He caressed her cheek as she finally eased and nestled against his chest. "You have done nothing wrong."

She emitted a ragged sigh. "Thank you, Octavian. I cherish your opinion of me. Do you mind if I look at your body now?"

He laughed. "Go ahead. Enjoy your fill. I am big and solid and quite real."

He wanted to add that he was also hers forever, but this would only make her skittish again because it was painfully obvious she did not think of herself as loveable.

Unshed tears still glistened in her eyes, poised at the threshold and just waiting to spill. Rather than have her struggle to hold them back, he reached out and gently wiped away the few stray ones that had fallen onto her cheeks. All it took was a light running of his thumb along her cheekbones.

Safe enough.

Nothing too alarming.

"May I kiss you, Octavian?"

"Yes, Syd." Dear heaven, he wanted that kiss. He did not care whether it was prim and meek or hot and heavy.

He would accept whatever she had it in her soul to give him.

She shifted over him for a better angle to his lips, even though he had bent his head toward hers to accommodate her. The kiss was soft, sweet.

Achingly sweet.

Happy and gentle.

Still, his entire body was in a roil because she was once again pressed against him and there was not a blasted stitch between them. They were skin to skin, hers soft as silk and his hot as blazes.

He felt the fullness of her breasts and ached to explore them.

What would they taste like on his tongue? Peaches and cream, no doubt.

"Octavian, may we get dressed now? Well, not all the way dressed because we are going to sleep soon anyway."

"Yes, Syd." He tamped down his disappointment and retrieved her shift.

There would be ample opportunity to explore every inch of her after they were married. After helping her don the shift, he reached for his trousers and put them back on.

She cast him a shy look. "I suppose I am not as hoydenish as you thought. All I did in the end was give you a prim kiss."

He laughed. "Only you would look at it that way. We were naked together. Bodies in unobstructed contact. By definition that kiss was not prim. And you are every bit as hoydenish as I knew you would be. Also every bit as delightful, I might add."

He took a moment to stride to the window, drawing the curtains aside in order to peer out.

The rain was still coming down in torrents. "Still bad out there."

"Oh, dear. Does this mean we are stuck here for another day because the roads will be impassable come morning?"

"Possibly. No reason to fret about it, Syd. If those roads are treacherous for us, they will be just as treacherous for your father and Sir Henry if they happen to be chasing us."

"Octavian, what if this is an omen?"

He rolled his eyes. "This is a storm and nothing more. For pity's sake, Syd. Don't you dare consider reneging on our marriage plan."

"Our make-believe marriage," she reminded him.

"Right, make-believe. After what passed between us just now, is this still all I am to you? A temporary convenience. You bared your body and soul to me," he said, knowing the words sounded like more of an accusation than a mere statement.

Why was she talking about bad omens and not even thinking of their marriage as something permanent? "Did you have me remove my clothes just for a lark? Mere curiosity? Were you bored? Curious?"

"You know it isn't true." She curled her hands into fists. "Why are you being so churlish?"

Because he wanted her to stop lying to herself about their arrangement. Their marriage was never going to be make-believe for him. "Why are you refusing to admit the obvious, Syd? We like each other…as surprising as that may be."

Her fists were still clenched as she regarded him from the bed. "There is nothing obvious to admit."

"Fine, be stubborn about it. I'll ignore our naked moment and pretend it never happened. Or would you like us to dine nakedly tomorrow night? Is this something you plan to have us do on a regular basis? I would just like to understand your rules regarding our fake marriage."

"Stop it, Octavian. I am going to beat you about the head if you do not shut up this very instant."

"You are getting scared and defensive again."

"I am not defensive, and I am certainly not scared of you. Why are you making so much of our baring our bodies? You've seen plenty of naked women, I'm sure."

"That is beside the point," he grumbled. "They were not you . And you had not seen a living man without his clothes until me just now. I make you feel safe and I make you feel happy, and this troubles you to no end. Just don't let it scare you into doing something foolish. You promised me you would not run away."

"And I have every intention of keeping my promise."

"Good, because I intend to hold you to it."

She came up to him and placed her hand on his chest over his heart. "I did not mean to overset you, Octavian. It was just a casual remark."

"About it being a bad omen? Nothing is ever casual with you, Syd. Your mind is always whirling with ideas. I thought we had moved beyond this question of do you marry me or do you not? We took a giant leap forward a few minutes ago and now you are trying to leap backward the entire distance plus some."

She tipped her chin up in defiance. "I am not. You are reading too much into everything I say and do. Are you angry because I had us undress and then did nothing about it?"

He emitted a groaning laugh. "No, I'm not angry about that."

But perhaps he was frustrated and this was skewing his judgment about her intentions. Her claiming the torrential storm was a bad omen was said in jest in all likelihood. But he had leaped on the innocent remark as though it was a wild beast on the loose and about to pounce on him and eat him up. "Sorry, Syd. I think I will be on edge until we are married and I have the legal standing to protect you. Let's be optimistic, shall we? Let's count on the rain being done by morning and the sun out in full force to dry the roads. Let's go to bed. We'll be up at the crack of dawn again tomorrow."

"All right, but no pillows between us tonight. I think I am going to have bad dreams and will need you to hold onto me very tightly."

"Of course. Whatever you wish."

Suited him just fine.

He fully intended to hold onto her. In truth, he would have tied her to the bed if he could have done so without coming across as depraved. Despite the horrendous storm outside, Syd would run off if she set her mind to backing out of their fake marriage plans.

This is why he had been eager to hear her speak of her childhood. He wanted to learn more about her to better understand what might set her off and make her run from him. He was just as set on preventing her from carrying out any ill-conceived plan that did not include marriage to him.

Anything might pop into her head at the last moment.

Was he being an ogre about it?

Yes, but for her own good.

Did she not understand yet the depth of his feelings for her? She would ruin his life as well as hers if she married someone else.

How could he ever be happy without her?

Gad, why did she force him to think about this?