Chapter 23

Twenty-Three

Over the course of the next few days, I found myself taking Lorik's words to heart. Because, it seemed, one part of me still trusted that he would keep me safe, despite what had happened between us.

Gone were the nerves that entered my chest whenever I was beyond Peek's protection. Instead, I felt a fluttering kind of awareness, knowing that Lorik was out there, even though I could not see him.

I struggled between trying to ignore that newfound knowledge…and also smoothing down my hair whenever I left my cottage and whenever I entered the Black Veil after my time in Rolara. It was frustratingly ridiculous. How could I be torn between heartbreak over his terrible betrayal while also wanting to look pretty for him? I was out of my mind, I'd finally decided, even as I picked out my best dresses that didn't have holes in them.

I still hadn't decided if I'd forgiven Lorik or not. I believed what he'd said. I truly did. And knowing that…I felt it was coldhearted not to forgive him for it. Yes, he had lied to me, used me to get the shadevine-hive heart.

But I also recognized that not only would I want to help my people if they were sick…I would literally do anything to save my sister. I would have done anything to save her. If I could have traded my life for hers…I would have.

Knowing that, did that change how I felt about what had happened between us in the aftermath? After the heat of the moment had passed and I could reflect on it with calmness and logic?

Of course it did.

However, I just didn't see how it would change anything between us. We'd been doomed from the start. He was a Kelvarian, the Below King's Hunter, and he would never be accepted in the Above world without his magicked glamour—not that he would ever leave his home.

And I could never leave mine. All we would have were stolen moments, like the ones we'd had before, until he was called away again by the magic embedded into his wrist.

And though I'd pushed my own dreams for the future down deep, I realized I wanted a family. I wanted to be loved, and I wanted to love. I wanted a partner in this life, one who was kind and caring. I wanted children.

Despite whether I forgave Lorik for what had happened, I didn't think he could give me that.

That night, as I returned from Rolara, all while feeling the heaviness of Lorik's gaze—or at least imagining it—I encountered a small package on the threshold of Peek's barrier, sitting on the tree stump near the carved out washing basin.

It was wrapped in the lightest silk I'd ever felt, so smooth and soft that it felt like water slipping through my fingertips when I picked it up.

As the moon began to rise, casting light through the naked branches of the river trees overhead, I unwrapped the white silk to find a smooth stone inside. A warm stone, one etched with what looked like glowing runes. They throbbed like a heartbeat.

I stared down at it in my palm, where it fit neatly within.

"Lorik," I called out.

He didn't reply. A gust of wind picked up, rustling the branches.

"Come out."

I didn't have to wait for long. I steeled myself for the sight of him, but it still felt like a punch in the gut.

He wasn't wearing his glamour anymore. There was no need between us, I supposed. And he was even more handsome than I'd remembered. Or perhaps the time apart had just made me forget.

At his temples, the sides of his long, black hair were pulled away from his face in an intricate braid and pinned at the back of his head. It only put his sharp, wide features on further display. His high cheekbones, his pouting lips, and his cutting jawline. His brows were twin slashes across his face, his eyes tilted at the outer corners like a feline's.

He was wearing a deep maroon vest, the color of human blood, a loose white shirt beneath it. His tight trews looked like suede, but they were supple and molded to his thighs perfectly. I spied the hilt of a silver dagger in his waistband. And as I studied him across the clearing, I watched his wings twitch, flaring once, twice, before he settled them against his back.

Nervous?I wondered.

"What is this?" I asked, though I thought I knew. Lorik's gaze went down to the stone in my hand before it met mine again.

"A magicked stone," he told me. "I've been working on it since… I'm sorry it's taken so long. The runes were tricky to get right."

"It's warm," I commented, my heart beating in my chest.

"I knew you were trying to keep them alive," Lorik murmured, his glowing, beautiful eyes spearing into mine. I was under the impression that he was drinking me in, like he feared this might be the last time we would speak. "I thought this would help you."

"A replacement heart for the shadevine hive," I murmured, unsure how I felt about that. "It won't bring the queen back."

"I know," he rasped. "But I thought…I thought this would help. It will stay warm forever. It will never lose its heat. You could keep the hive alive without the queen until the rest…"

"Until they all die out," I finished for him softly. My gaze strayed back to my palm.

He'd done this for me?

I hadn't known he knew runes. A tricky magic, like he'd said, and very few ever mastered it. But they were infinitely more powerful than spells, which could dissipate like a breeze. Runes were permanent. Forever.

The bitter part of me thought it was the least he could do…then I felt ashamed for it.

The other part of me was touched. Another little piece of my icy heart seemed to flaw with the gift. This would keep the hive alive, and I wouldn't have to change out the stone I warmed in the fire multiple times a day. One less thing I'd have to worry about.

Thank you,I thought, but I couldn't say the words. He was the reason why the hive was without a heart, right?

Not him specifically,I reminded myself. Shame reared its head again, and I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes. I was so confused. Everything was muddled and messy, including my ever-changing emotions.

"Don't, Marion," Lorik said, his voice firm and gruff.

Gods, I'd missed his voice. A stab of longing went through me when I remembered hearing it first thing in the mornings, waking up with that voice.

Let's stay in bed all day,he'd tease me, husky and warm. And I remembered how wide my smile had been as I'd pressed my face into his neck, inhaling the comforting scent of his skin.

"Don't what?" I asked.

"Don't thank me," he said, his voice verging on angry. "I can see it. I can hear it. This is the very least I could have done. And still…it will never be enough. Ever. I'm embarrassed that this is the most I can give you."

Silence lapsed between us. Lorik stood as close to Peek's barrier as he could, and yet it felt like the distance was too great.

"I won't thank you," I finally said, looking down at my feet, my gaze flickering between my boots as I deliberated my next words. "But this will be a great help."

Lorik said nothing.

There was a question hanging in the air, one I had thought a dozen times a day.

"Did it work?" I finally asked, glancing back up at him.

Lorik's expression gave nothing away, but I watched as his eyes tracked across my face, like he was memorizing me. My own went to his lips. I could see the tip of one fang indenting his bottom lip, and I swallowed hard, wondering if he longed for the taste of my blood. I wondered if he'd fed since we'd been together…but surely he must've. And why did that thought make a prick of hot jealousy spear through my belly? Of imagining Lorik with another woman? Another Kelvarian, who was perhaps better suited to his life than I was?

"The spell seems to have stopped new Shades being created," he told me. "No new reports have come in."

"Good," I said quietly. "And your…sister?"

Lorik swallowed, his throat bobbing, his right wing lifting slightly. "The sorceress said it might take time."

My gut clenched. Which meant that no, she wasn't recovered.

"But we are hopeful," he said. "Other Kelvarians have recovered swiftly. More do every day. I haven't lost hope for Thela. She's strong. She will recover."

I nodded. "I hope so."

The stone beat in my hand—a part of Lorik's magic, rare and powerful, and it felt oddly intimate to have it in my possession.

When I began to turn away, Lorik said, "Marion."

I looked over my shoulder at him. There were so many words perched on the edge of his tongue. I could see them. I could hear them, just like Lorik had said to me earlier. Maybe our connection was a magical thing…and a part of me wished it wasn't.

Lorik opened his lips. Then he shook his head, huffing out a sharp breath as his gaze strayed to the earth beneath his feet.

Then he straightened his shoulders, meeting my eyes again. Whatever brief vulnerability that had been evident was long gone.

"The Below King would like to extend his deepest appreciation for your help," Lorik said quietly. "He is in your debt. We all are. If you ever have a favor to ask, he will personally see to it upheld."

My lips parted.

A favor? I had no need of one. There was nothing I wanted, except to go back in time and lie in Lorik's arms once more, memory erased and ignorantly blissful.

Besides…I was in the Above world. What use would I—

A thought occurred to me.

"You said Merec's debt was to a Sev—to a Kelvarian," I said.

Lorik blinked. "Yes, that's right."

"Has the debt been repaid?" I wondered.

"Not fully," Lorik murmured. "He still has another five years on the contract."

"Then I would ask the Below King to forgive whatever debt Merec owes," I said. "That is what I want."

Lorik lowered his chin in understanding. He brought a hand to run it along his horn, and I remembered the feel of the black bone beneath my own fingertips. A pang went through me as I mentally counted the steps between us.

"I will relay your message to him," Lorik said. "He will see it done."

I nodded. Then, knowing there was nothing else to say, I turned.

"Marion."

I stilled but didn't look at him again. I merely waited.

The words came, a quiet confession.

"I miss you, little witch," he told me softly, his voice hushed in the quiet of the evening. It sounded almost reverent. A murmured prayer. "Even when I'm in the Below…all I want is to be here with you."

Tears filled my eyes, making my vision go blurry. I tried to blink them away quickly, but there was a rawness in Lorik's voice that haunted me. His words replayed over and over in my head.

"I don't know if you can ever forgive me, Marion," he continued. "I don't know if I even want you to because I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for betraying you."

My brow furrowed, staring at my night garden next to my cottage, the trellis entrance withering with the cold.

"But please know…I am deeply sorry, Marion."

Whatever I heard in his voice—whatever pained, terrible thing I heard—it made me turn to meet his eyes. His lips pressed when he saw the tears glimmering in my gaze, and he took a stuttered step forward, as if he couldn't help it, before Peek's barrier pushed him back.

I didn't even care if he saw me crying.

Holding my eyes, he said, "I am deeply sorry for betraying your trust. But I am not sorry for everything else."

I frowned.

"Because I will hold those moments with me forever, little witch. I cannot bring myself to regret any moment that I spent with you. Even when you were pulling an arrow out from my shoulder. Because it meant you were close to me. And only in those moments did I feel like I could finally breathe."

My lips parted.

"I know you have no reason to trust me," he continued. "I have given you none. But I would give you my blood oath right here and now if it meant erasing any doubt in your mind about the way I feel about you."

My mind raced. A blood oath? He would be forever bound to it. Just like the one he'd made to the Below King, like the one I'd made to the Healers' Guild.

"I regret that I hurt you. For the rest of my life, I will regret that," he said. "But I do not know if I have the will to say goodbye to you, Marion. Every moment away from you has been agony. Every moment in the Below has felt like a lifetime. It will break my soul if I have to say goodbye to you…but if that's truly what you want, I will respect that. I swear it to you."

I bit my lip, trying to keep it from quivering. Maybe I was weak…but I didn't want that, did I? Maybe I hadn't known it before, but actually hearing him say it? That hurt even more. Imagining never seeing him again. Never looking upon his face, never seeing that wide grin and the sly twinkle in his eyes when he teased me. Never hearing his voice, never feeling his gentle touch across my shoulders, my back, my abdomen, my hips…

Gods, that hurt.

"But," Lorik said, a tone entering his voice after he observed me process that information, "if there is a part of you that could forgive me even the smallest bit, if there is a part of you that still believes in this, in us…"

I inhaled a shaky breath that sounded like a small sob.

"I'll be here," he finished. "I'll always be here, Marion. Take as much time as you need to make that decision."

Lorik blew out a short breath, holding my gaze…and then began to walk away, back into the shadowy tree line of the Black Veil. Would he return to the Below to see his sister? Or would he patrol the forest for Shades, protecting his realm and ours?

"Lorik," I called out, quickly.

He turned so fast one would think a Shade had crept up behind him.

I didn't want to give him the wrong impression, but I wanted to be honest with him too. I didn't want to swallow down the words I felt rising in my throat.

"I miss you too," I said.

The edge of his lips curved in a gentle smile. He didn't say anything else. I knew he would give me time to make my decision.

"Be careful in there," I said next, finally turning away, the rune stone hot in my hand as I gripped it hard.

"I always am, little witch."