19. Leilani

I thought I could do it.

My body wanted Asher so badly, and I had a point to prove.

I wasn’t going to go sexless for the rest of my life because of some asshole at a frat party, so I made myself keep going.

And it was good.

It was so good.

Asher’s hands, his lips, his magical tongue…

I didn’t want to stop. I wanted those thrusts, that sense of being filled completely. I wanted his chest rubbing against my nipples, igniting me in all the right ways. I wanted to feel him come inside me, to share that moment of ecstasy with him.

But then… the word just popped out of me, and as soon as I whispered it, I knew I needed him to get off me, out of me… give me some space!

And he did.

He did what I asked. Then he stayed and tried to understand what the hell was going on with me.

I couldn’t leave him hanging in all that confusion.

So, I said it.

I finally said it.

And now I’m screaming into my hands because, for the first time since it happened, I’ve actually admitted the truth to myself.

I’m finally acknowledging the R-word.

I was raped.

Raped.

“Lani, I’m…” Asher’s voice is all choked up. “I’m so sorry.”

He sounds broken, and it makes my hands fall away. I look at his face and see the anguish, like my news is tormenting him somehow.

“I’m so fucking sorry that happened to you.”

Tears fill my eyes again and I lean forward, resting my head against his shoulder. His arm comes around me, arranging the blanket so I’m covered, and I curl into his embrace. He kisses the top of my head and whispers, “Is it okay if I hold you like this?”

“Yes.”

We go quiet for a minute, and I close my eyes, soaking in the feel of his sheltering embrace. It’s strong and safe. Secure in ways that nothing else has been since that night. It’s almost like the world can’t touch me if I stay leaning against him like this. If he holds me close and doesn’t let go.

“Have you, uh… have you told anyone about this?”

I shake my head and sniff, my belly rumbling with a fresh sob. I try to clamp it down but can’t stop the tears rolling out of my eyes. “I couldn’t. The words just haven’t come.”

He squeezes me a little tighter, his lips brushing across my forehead this time.

“Who was it?”

Okay, so we’re gonna talk about this?

My stomach clenches and I don’t know if I can, but then my mouth opens and words come out.

Words I’ve been too ashamed to admit.

“I don’t know. I was drunk, and we were strangers. I can’t remember his name.” My voice wobbles as self-loathing slathers me in its stench. “I don’t even know if I asked for it. We were just dancing and then making out and then—” The words catch in my throat.

“Where were you?”

“At a party on campus.” I slash the tears off my face and readjust my head on his shoulder. He loosens his grip on me, but I quickly snatch his hand, pulling it back around my body.

“It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” he murmurs, adjusting the blanket again so I’m cocooned within it.

“Do you think…?” He takes a breath, obviously choosing each of his words carefully. “Was it a frat party, or…”

“It was at the football frat.” I wince. “I mean, I know they’re not officially a frat, but that’s what everyone calls their place, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve been there.” His voice has dropped to something husky. Something low and dangerous. “Do you think it was one of them?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know. I don’t think he was a football player.” I close my eyes as a shudder runs through me.

“Okay,” he croaks.

“Thankfully, I haven’t seen him around on campus or anything, but to be honest… I can’t even really picture his face. It’s like my memory has turned him into this blurry entity. And that’s good, right? I never want to see him again anyway.”

“But no guy’s approached you since? You haven’t felt someone watching you or…”

“No,” I croak, the thought making me tremble. “I think I was just a quick fuck to him. He left the room as soon as he was done. He probably doesn’t remember my face either. It’s not like we stared into each other’s eyes. I couldn’t even tell you what color they are. We didn’t exchange names. We just…” I close my eyes, bile burning my throat. I swallow it back down and manage to rasp,“We’ll never interact again and that’s… that’s what I want.”

Asher lets out a grunt of disgust. “I wouldn’t mind finding him. I’d happily cut his dick off for you.”

I let out a shallow laugh. It’s hollow and raw—humorless.

“You didn’t talk to anyone after? Tell them what happened? Report his ass?”

“It’s not like he dragged me into a room,” I murmur. “I went willingly.”

“But he made you stay,” Asher growls.

I curl closer to his side and he tuts, pulling me onto his lap so I can sit more comfortably against him. His hand starts running circles on my back, and I nestle my nose into the crook of his neck.

“After he was done, I… I was frozen. I couldn’t move off the bed. I just… I felt… so gross.”

Asher’s jaw clenches. I can feel the muscles moving. He probably doesn’t want to hear all of this, but I can’t seem to make myself stop.

“I should have chased after him and screamed the house down, telling everyone what he did to me, but I was… I was… ashamed. Embarrassed that I’d done something so reckless. I don’t go to parties and hook up with strangers, but I was in a foul mood and I drank too much. When he came up behind me on the dance floor, I sent him all the signals, you know? We started making out, and I was holding nothing back. I wanted it.”

“And then you didn’t.” Asher’s voice is gruff. “You’re allowed to change your mind. This is not your fault.”

“But I led him on. I was the one who undid his belt buckle. I was giggling and into it, until he spun me around and pulled up my dress. There was just a sudden roughness about him that I wasn’t expecting. I tried to get past it, but…” I shudder again. “Something just felt off. I sobered up in an instant and knew I couldn’t go through with it, but he’d already started and… and…”

“And that asshole showed no self-control,” Asher barks. “This is not your fault.” He leans back, taking my face in his hands so I’m forced to look at him. It’s easy enough to do; his eyes are bright with assurance. “You asked him to stop, and don’t try to tell me that he didn’t hear you. You did nothing wrong.”

My expression crumples. I can feel my face scrunching as my stomach trembles. “He heard me… and then he went really hard and… and… it hurt, and I… I…” My entire body starts shaking, my belly jerking as a surge of vomit fires into my throat.

Covering my mouth, I can’t control my gagging as my physical reaction to that moment rears its ugly head again.

I’m gonna puke.

I’m gonna puke in Asher’s lap.