Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Rae

" D amn it!" I snatched my hand away from the cast iron skillet but it was too late, a blister was already forming on my palm. It was my fault for being distracted when I was trying to teach myself to cook.

No, that wasn't right. It was Zach's fault. He deserved the blame, and on his shoulders was right where I intended to place it.

"It was a mistake."

"It will never happen again."

"I regret what happened."

His words had been playing on a constant loop since he ran out of my cabin like he couldn't get away from me fast enough. The sting they caused still lingered, refusing to go away, even though nearly a week had passed. It was the kind of persistent, burning sting that felt like bees and fire ants swarming beneath my skin.

I pulled my head out of my unpleasant thoughts before the cabin could fill with the smell of burning and grabbed a dishtowel. Wrapping it around the handle of the skillet, I pulled it off the burner and dropped it into the sink with a heavy clang, the contents inside looking nothing like they had on the recipe currently up on my laptop.

I pulled in a steadying breath, determined not to sink into defeat. I'd learned a lot about myself since staying at Safe Haven Ranch, mainly that I was capable of a lot more than I thought. However, I also realized I'd depended on Zach for a lot as well, like teaching me to ride a horse, to drive a stick, to grocery shop for the first time. But I didn't want to have to rely on him anymore. I wanted to do something for myself, like learn how to cook.

"You will not win." I jabbed an accusing finger at the congealed mass in the skillet. "I'm going to defeat you, damn it."

My cellphone rang from my back pocket as I got to work scrubbing out the charred-on food. I reached for it with one hand, smiling at the picture of my mom that popped up on the screen. We'd been texting regularly, but with her and my dad being out of the country, it was difficult to get the timing right for phone calls or FaceTime. "Hi! Where are you calling from this time?" I answered excitedly, tucking the cell between my ear and shoulder to free up my hands.

"Hi, sweetie! I miss you! We're still in the Netherlands, but we leave for Ireland tonight."

"How were the shows? Dad kill it like always?"

I could hear the smile in her voice as she replied. "You know your father, he's one with the music."

He certainly was. I'd seen my father perform a few times, and there was only one way to describe Roan Blackwell when he was up on the stage... pure magic. Then again, that was the case anytime he played his guitar and sang. Some of my best memories were of him holding me on his lap, strumming discorded notes and humming melodies that would eventually be twisted together into a beautiful song.

Every time the pieces of a new song would come together, he'd look at me and smile, placing a kiss on the top of my head and telling me I was his inspiration. That was what he always said. Mom was his muse and I was his inspiration. He still claimed to this day that his music had gotten a million times better after I was born, and he contributed it all to "the two most important women in his world."

God, I missed them both like crazy .

"I'm glad it's going so well. Be sure to take plenty of pictures for me."

"I will, sweetheart. But enough about all that. I want to hear all about you? What are you doing right now?"

I looked to the unidentifiable substance currently swirling down the drain. "Well, I was trying to cook, but so far it's not going very well."

"Wait. You're—you . . . you're cooking?"

I rolled my eyes to myself as I shut off the water and lifted the pan from the sink. I dried it off and seasoned it with oil like I'd seen on the internet before putting it aside. I wasn't ready to give up. I planned to try again, but not while I was on the phone. I couldn't risk the distraction. The last thing I needed to do was burn the Paulson's cabin to the ground.

"Yes, Mom. I'm cooking. Well, trying. But I'm getting better." At least that was what I had been telling myself over the past several days. I was attempting that whole manifesting destiny thing by saying I would learn to cook.

"Wow, honey. I'm—I'm really proud of you."

I smiled at the pride I heard in her voice, even if it was mixed liberally with humor. She was rooting for me, and that felt really good. "Thanks. Maybe by the time you guys are stateside, I'll be good enough to cook a meal for you. "

I thought I heard a sniffle carry through the line. "We'd love that, Rae. More than you know. I'm so glad you're doing well over there. I know things were tense the last time we saw each other, but you have to know, your dad and I love you very much. We didn't send you there as a punishment."

"I know, Mom. I get it now. I'll admit, I didn't see the real purpose at first, but the longer I've been here, the more I understand why you guys did what you did."

"Oh, sweetie." There was another sniffle.

"I... I like it here, Mom" I admitted. It was the first time I'd said it out loud, even to myself, and the truth of how much I liked it caught me by surprise. The uncertainty and tension with Zach withstanding, I really did like being here. The work was hard, but meaningful, and I found I enjoyed falling into bed exhausted every night because it meant I'd had a hand in keeping the ranch and the lodge running. I loved the horses and chickens and cows. I even liked Gretel, when she wasn't being an asshole.

I loved the view of the mountains surrounding the town during the day and the starry sky at night. I was even coming to like my little cabin. There wasn't much to it, but it was starting to feel like home.

"That makes me happy," Mom said. "You sound, I don't know, different somehow. Almost... lighter."

"I feel different," I confessed quietly. I'd come here feeling like I didn't belong anywhere, like I didn't know who the hell I was, but I was slowly getting to know myself with each passing day. What I liked and what I disliked—not what I pretended to care about because it was what was popular at the moment. I was getting to know me . And I was liking the version of myself I was discovering. She was a hell of a lot better than the girl I'd been back in L.A.

We chatted for a few more minutes. I told her about my foray into horseback riding and my determination to learn to drive one of the ranch trucks. I talked about my growing friendships with Ivy and Lennix while she filled me in on everything happening with her and my dad. The one topic I made sure to steer clear of was anything having to do with Zach. Especially the kiss he'd so easily disregarded the morning after it had happened. Like he said, it was never happening again. I filed it away with all the other stupid things I'd done in the past, and I was determined to move on and forget it ever happened. So far, my plan to do that consisted of avoiding the man in question like the plague.

"Well, I don't want to keep you longer than I already have. Sounds like you were in the middle of something when I called, so I'll let you get back to your cooking," she finally said.

"Call again soon, Mom. And give Dad my love, will you? I miss you both like crazy."

"We miss you too, honey. So much." There was a slight pause before she asked, "I love you; you know that, right?"

"Of course I do, Mom." My voice came out raspy, full of emotion. "I've always known that. Never doubted it for a second."

There was a gust of air through the line as though she let out a breath of relief. "Good. That's good."

"And I love you too. Both of you. Very much. I'm sorry if it ever felt like I took that for granted." I had taken it for granted. I'd taken so much for granted. But not anymore.

We disconnected, and I stuffed my phone back into my pocket, but before I could get back to work on the dish I'd been trying to perfect, someone knocked on the door to my cabin.

I whipped around, my heart in my throat at the idea that it could be Zach on the other side. I'd been doing my best over the past couple of days to pretend he didn't exist. It was easier said than done, especially since I was back to ranch-hand work, but I'd made sure to stick close to Hal the past two days, getting my assignments and such from him.

Before I had a chance to freak out too badly, the person on the other side called out. "I know you're in there, Rae. I can smell the burned efforts of your cooking." My shoulders sank in relief at the sound of Lennix's voice. "Open up. I've got Ivy with me, and we have wine," she finished in a singsong voice.

I rushed to the door, throwing it open. "You should have led with that," I teased, waving the two of them in.

Lennix moved right to me, quickly pulling me into a hug before letting go and heading for the kitchen. Ivy followed after her, her nose scrunching up at the smell as she leaned in to place a kiss on my cheek. "What were you trying to make this time?" she asked as she grabbed hold of the door and swung it open and closed like she was trying to air the space out. "Maybe I'll leave this open for a few minutes."

I took the bottle of wine she offered with a laugh and followed after Lennix into my kitchen where she'd already pulled out three wineglasses—a purchase from my second trip into town, that time with Lennix to assure I wasn't left behind again.

"I was trying to make German pancakes."

"Aw, I love Dutch babies!" Lennix declared enthusiastically. Her smile fell a second later as she looked at my stovetop. "Uh, babe. Aren't you supposed to have an oven to make those?"

I shrugged as I pulled the cork from the wine bottle and poured three generously-sized glasses. "That's what the recipe said, but I thought I could try and find a work-around by cooking them a little longer on the stovetop."

Ivy took the glass I offered her and sipped, one brow rising with a humorous look. "And how'd that work out for you?"

I shot her a flat look over my shoulder as I pulled out all the fancy cheeses I'd grabbed at the grocery store, finally excited to have a use for them. "You smell it in here, don't you?" I also grabbed some fresh fruit and some cured meats I'd gotten as well. I might not be able to cook yet, but I could whip together a charcuterie board better than anyone else. If I had a resume, I would have listed it under one of my special skills.

"You know, if you want to keep practicing, you're welcome to come over and use my stove any time."

I looked at her with wide eyes. "Really, you wouldn't mind?"

She lifted her shoulders in a casual shrug as she popped a cube of BellaVitano into her mouth. "Of course. I'll open all the windows beforehand." She dodged the cracker I threw at her head with a laugh. "I'm kidding! But seriously, you're welcome anytime. Just text me."

"I appreciate that." I nibbled nervously on my bottom lip as I took a seat in one of the chairs at the kitchen table. "I'm on the calendar to cook dinner for all the staff and hands next week, and I want to be able to cook without risk of burning down the kitchen and make something that won't give everyone food poisoning." My expression fell. "It would be my luck that the ranch would fall into dire straits when no one was able to work because they were all deathly ill from my cooking."

Ivy took the chair across from me while Lennix hopped up on the countertop across from me. I might not have had much in way of seating, but my new friends made it work.

"You'll do fine," Ivy assured me. "And we're more than happy to help if you need us. Just say the word."

"I appreciate the offer, but this is really something I want to do myself." I stared at the table top as I dragged my finger along the designs made by the woodgrain. "I've never really had to do anything for myself before. It was all done for me growing up," I admitted, a large dose of shame making my cheeks and the tips of my ears turn red.

I hadn't really gotten into all the reasons I'd been sent to the ranch in the first place, and I would have been lying if I said I wasn't worried about what Lennix and Ivy might think of me once they learned the truth.

Lennix eyed me thoughtfully over the rim of her wineglass as she took a drink, and as I waited out her silence, my anxiety grew.

"We know why you're here, Rae," she said, her statement taking me off guard and causing my chin to jerk back.

The wine I'd sipped turned sour in my mouth. I forced it down past the painful tightness in my throat, swallowing audibly. "You... know? Like, everyone?"

She nodded.

The bites of cheese I'd eaten curdled in my stomach as I set my glass on the table and pushed it away.

"I knew who you were the moment I saw you," Ivy admitted, casual as could be. "I have an addiction to trashy tabloids." She shrugged unrepentantly and smiled. "I never claimed to have good taste."

"If you thought we were going to judge you because you made a few stupid mistakes, you don't know us very well," Lennix continued. Her expression had never wavered, never darkened or turned even the slightest bit judgmental with all the bombs she'd just dropped on me. She didn't look at me any differently than she had the day she showed up here to introduce herself. "You aren't your mistakes, babe. You might not have come here of your own free will, but from everything I've seen, you've made the best of it. You haven't complained or whined that it's too hard. You've worked hard and pulled your weight, busted your ass to do so."

Ivy held her hand up in the air like a middle schooler sitting at the front of a classroom. "I can confirm that." She looked at me, her expression dead serious. "Sure, it's only cleaning rooms and stuff, but when you've worked for me, you've taken every single aspect of your job seriously. You don't slack off, and you don't expect anything to be handed to you. You screwed up. Who hasn't? I know I've done my fair share of dumb things."

"Same," Lennix agreed resolutely. "I grew up on a ranch, for crying out loud. There was no limit to the amount of trouble I could get into. Not to mention I had a big brother thirteen years older than I was who was already an expert at mischief and shenanigans by the time I came along. He taught me well."

"Zach?" I let out a bubble of incredulous laughter. "You're kidding me? I didn't think he was capable of causing trouble. He always seems so... responsible."

Ivy and Lennix both burst out laughing. "You're talking about my brother?" Lennix squeaked. "Please! I think he spent most of his teenage years grounded. By the time I was old enough to cause trouble, there wasn't anything I could say or do that my parents hadn't already experienced. The most freaked out I'd ever seen my mom was when she caught Zach in the hayloft with a girl. I remember hearing her slam into the house, screaming incoherently about her eyes burning."

I ignored the sharp pang in my chest at the mention of Zach with another girl. It wasn't like I had any business feeling jealous. We'd only shared one kiss, after all, and that had ended disastrously. But it was nice to hear he wasn't as perfect as I had been thinking this whole time. And it was really nice to know my new friends didn't judge me for the things I'd done in the past.

For the first time in my life, I had real friends. True friends. And it was one of the best feelings I'd experienced in a really long time.