34. Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Four

Indy — Now

S omething had possessed my body and gone on a rampage.

It was the only explanation I could give for waking up in a bed that wasn’t mine, wrapped in a shirt three sizes too big, curled up beside a cat—okay, that was mine. The only reason I hadn’t sprinted out of the bedroom and run barefoot down the dirt road was because there wasn’t a strange man beside me.

But I was certain there was a strange man whistling down the hall.

Careful not to alert anyone I was awake, I looked around the room, slowly absorbing my surroundings. It was spacious, the log walls and deep green flannel curtains creating a cozy, rustic feel. I might’ve appreciated the space more had I not realized where I was.

Heart racing and belly filling with dread, I wrung my fingers through my hair as I remembered the choices I’d made last night that led me here. Indy Tyler, you are a fool. An absolute fool who deserves soggy Lucky Charms and cold coffee—

“Either you’re having a panic attack or you’re thinking about me naked again,” a smooth voice taunted, and if I dared let myself look, I knew I’d see him standing in the doorway. “Unless there’s another reason you’re breathing all heavy. You got asthma or something? ”

I groaned, wishing I’d wither away into dust. Choosing the next best thing, I pulled the blanket over my head. Nolan’s blanket. I was lying in Nolan’s bed. I was wearing his shirt. And Genny was here. Oh, good hell, I’d told him I couldn’t sleep without my cat. Even worse, when I’d heard him call me his wife, a deprived part of me liked it—

“Relax,” Nolan said from outside my cocoon of safety, his voice closer than before. “You and Genny took the bed. I slept in the living room. Nothing happened.”

That wasn’t true. We might have slept separately and not broken any physical boundaries, but something had happened last night. Lines had been crossed, weaknesses revealed.

“Well,” he continued, oblivious I was on the brink of a mental breakdown, “unless we’re counting the part where you tried to lure me into bed early this morning. You were like a little siren. You tried all sorts of tactics, told me you’d lost your foot and needed help finding it—”

I laughed, lifting the blanket off my head. “You’re such a liar.”

“It’s true.” He grinned, a sight that had me blushing for an entirely different reason. “You specifically told me if I didn’t climb into bed naked and help you find your foot, it would be my fault if you had to get a wooden peg leg. Pretty sure you said your pirate name would be Peachy Parrot—”

I chucked a pillow at him, and he laughed, catching it easily. I couldn’t help but welcome the warmth in my chest, appreciating his attempt at easing my nerves.

He set the pillow at the edge of the bed, openly assessing me. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright.” My head throbbed, and if I moved too quickly, my stomach turned, but I was better off than I’d expected. On extra-long days, my favorite way to unwind was with a small glass of wine, but that was the extent of my drinking. Alcohol had stolen too much from me, and I didn’t trust myself enough to let go and drink. Maybe the fact I was sitting in Nolan’s bed was proof I shouldn’t . . . but I didn’t feel that way. “Thank you for taking care of me last night.” My memory was fuzzy, but I’d never forget how he’d helped me not once but twice when I’d gotten sick. “I’ll buy you new sheets, or even a mattress. Or pay for whatever therapy you might need if I traumatized you last night.”

The corner of his mouth lifted, but there was something sad in his eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder if his mind lay where mine did. If he was thinking of when he hadn’t been there, when I hadn’t gone to him for help. “How about you eat some breakfast instead? Then we’ll call it even.”

It wasn’t an even trade, but I couldn’t pretend I even wanted to protest. Instead, I climbed out of bed and changed into the tank top and shorts I’d worn last night—freshly washed, courtesy of Nolan—before joining him in the kitchen and eating a hearty meal intended to cure hangovers.

But it didn’t stop the swelling guilt as I stood on his front porch, fighting an internal battle. I glanced through the screen door, debating if I should leave or not. Nolan was in the shower, and despite his help, I didn’t owe him a goodbye. And if I was being honest, it twisted my insides being here.

Not because of Nolan. No, it hurt to be inside his house.

The inside was well-kept and clean, no sign of dirty dishes or laundry stashed in the leather sectional. Before I’d stepped outside, I’d even spotted his Dad’s guitar against the fireplace. But despite the cleanliness, the vaulted ceilings and the ample number of bedrooms, I couldn’t forget when Nolan had confessed how empty it felt.

Remembering how Nolan had been there for me last night, even after I’d turned him down, I decided to stay. He deserved more than me sneaking away.

We deserved more than that.

I smiled as he stepped outside, hoping it masked the anxiety beneath my skin. His hair was slick from the shower, like he’d barely run a towel through it before tossing on a shirt and jeans. So much had changed between us, but one thing had remained the same.

Nolan Graham had the best ass.

Knowing he’d have no problem calling me out, I averted my gaze to the meadow and focused on what was keeping me from running for the hills. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“It’s not a big deal.” I could tell by his easy smile he meant it .

“It is to me.” Before I could chicken out, I continued, “We kissed. And then barely a day later, you had to babysit me in the bar and watch as I danced with other men. That’s not fair to you.” I shook my head, guilt still weighing on me. Nolan had told me he wanted me—no matter the time frame—and I’d pushed him away. “Our kiss, what you said to me . . . it scares me, Nolan. And I guess it scared me enough I was willing to do anything to get you out of my system. And to make things worse, I texted Levi and asked him to set me up with his friends. I was panicked, and I know I wouldn’t have gone through with it, but how awful is that!” I hid my face in my hands and groaned. “Obviously it doesn’t matter. Nothing I do works. There’s a reason I’m twenty-seven years old and the only man I’ve ever kissed is my high school boyfriend.”

He let out a low chuckle. “You and I have two very different opinions on how last night went.”

I peeked at him through my fingers. “I’m sure yours is much worse, considering the details are a little blurry to me.”

“Well, then, let me make it clear for you.” Nolan reached for my hand, lowering it from my face. “Last night was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. And it’s because I got to watch you just be . You were happy, carefree. You were dancing. I loved watching you have fun. I couldn’t care less that you danced with other men, Indy. I’m confident enough to know you weren’t looking at them how you used to look at me, how I sometimes catch you looking at me now. And guess what? At the end of the night, you chose to come home with me. You slept in my bed, and even better, I got to take care of you. And that’s a pretty big damn win for me.” My pulse raced at the deep sincerity in his eyes. “And just so you know, the only man you’ve ever kissed is technically your husband. And some people might say that’s kind of hot.”

I stared at him, at a loss for words. Nolan might be kind, but I knew he wasn’t telling me this for the sake of my feelings. Despite our flaws, we’d always tried to be straight with one another.

“I’ve only ever kissed you. And I don’t think that’s pathetic.”

I choked on a sound, a mixture between a laugh and a cry. “What kind of shit are you spewing? ”

“What?” he asked, looking at me like he truly didn’t understand why I was confused. “I already told you I’ve only ever been with one woman. Why are you acting so surprised?”

I gawked at him. “I thought that was your lie.” Even if it wasn’t, I would’ve thought he’d at least kissed someone else.

He raised a brow. “Unless something changed and I wasn’t made aware—I don’t play major league baseball.”

No, he didn’t. But it had been easier to deem that a lie than dig into what that truth might mean. “I’ve heard stories about you,” I tried, remembering what Sam had said last night about women warming Nolan’s bed. I was positive he’d done it to be an ass, but there had to be some truth to it, right? “I might’ve been away, but my mom still called me. Told me how you were building quite a reputation with the out-of-towners.”

Nolan’s smile slipped, and I waited for triumph to wash over me. But it was grief, the same grief I’d felt when Mom revealed the only man I’d ever loved had moved on. I hadn’t wanted to know, was angry she’d told me. But it was for the best. Nolan deserved to move on, even if I couldn’t.

“I tried. I tried like hell to forget you, Indy.” He pursed his lips, gathering his thoughts. An impatient side of me wanted an explanation now, but I appreciated the intention he put in his words. “Those first years when we were separated, I didn’t touch or even think about another woman. It didn’t matter if we weren’t talking; I was still your husband. No matter how determined I was to destroy everything good in my life, I wasn’t willing to lose you entirely.”

It had been the same for me. In those years we were separated but legally married, I told myself I hadn’t moved on out of respect for my marriage. But in the end, when Nolan filed for divorce and I still couldn’t move forward, I’d blamed it on school, work.

It had been easier than accepting the truth.

“But after our divorce went through—or I thought it had—I tried to move on. Like you tried last night, I wanted you out of my system. So I tried dating again. I’d take girls out, show them a good time . . . but I could never take it further than that. And I knew it was because it wasn’t working. Every step I took away from you only made me feel emptier and want you more.” He avoided my gaze, but even if he was uncomfortable, he didn’t stop. “So instead of letting everyone see me as the pathetic bastard who was hung up on his ex-wife, I let them believe what they wanted to believe. I’d take out girls from out of town, ones I’d never see again and have to worry about spilling the truth. I’d flirt with them long enough for someone to see me, make sure they saw me leave the bar with them. But as soon as I was out that door and I’d accomplished what I intended to, I’d go home alone.” He let out a dry, empty laugh. “Apparently I did a damn good job, because I haven’t gone out with a woman since Dad died, but all anyone can focus on is how much I like to sleep around. I even fooled my brothers into believing it too.”

“Why’d you stop?” I asked, deciding that was easier to focus on. “Pretending to go out with other women, I mean?”

“I guess after I lost Dad, I was too caught up in that to worry about the town finding out I wasn’t over you.” He lifted his arms in a helpless shrug. “Now I’m too busy and too damn tired to try and keep up with that lie. It was exhausting.”

I nodded, accepting his response as truth. With anyone else, I would’ve believed they were lying, not wanting to admit how many women they’d been with. But Nolan? Him living a lie, painting a picture for those around him—that was far more believable than him sleeping around.

“That’s kind of . . . sad.”

“What the hell, peaches?” Nolan laughed, the corner of his eyes crinkling. “You’re supposed to tell me it’s hot. That’s what I told you.”

I gave him a slight smile, unable to deny there was joy in my heart. Nolan had only ever been mine. But while relief existed in me, there was something else too. Heartbreak. He still believed there was something about him, within him, worth hiding.

And I couldn’t help but fear I was still missing something. If Nolan hadn’t moved on, if he was as reluctant to find someone else as I was, then why had he asked for a divorce? Why had he broken our promise ?

Deciding now wasn’t the time for that conversation, I said, “Fine. It’s hot that we’re both basically born-again virgins. So hot that maybe we should start dating—”

“Hell yeah—”

“—other people,” I finished, even if the thought made my stomach squirm.

Based on Nolan’s wide eyes, staring at me like I’d sprouted an extra head, I knew he wasn’t keen on the idea. “Did you not listen to what I just told you? I tried moving on, and it didn’t work.”

“No. You faked moving on.” I couldn’t lose my nerve. “And honestly, I never tried. Maybe that’s our problem. Maybe if we had tried to move on instead of living in the past, we wouldn’t both be alone right now. Maybe we’d be in love with someone new. You’d have a family—”

“Or it would confirm what I already know.”

I let out a laugh, shaking my head. “You’re impossible.”

I wasn’t going to win this. I could see it in the way he watched me, feel it in the way his fingers touched mine—Nolan was convinced I was it for him. But he was wrong. There was someone better out there for him. Someone who could give him what he wanted.

He had aspirations, desires for his life. He worked hard, both at woodworking and running the game shop. He had hopes of starting a family, creating a home full of laughter and joy. Even after everything, the pain and losses he’d endured, Nolan still had enough courage to reach for the stars.

As for me, I doubted the very ground I stood on. I wasn’t entirely sure I deserved to reach up and hope for more at all. I hadn’t let myself imagine a future, or at least one I truly desired, in so long.

“The town will talk,” I tried, assuming they were already spinning their stories after last night.

He snorted, seeing it for the halfhearted attempt it was. “They already are. We might as well be happy.”

My eyes burned. I’d once told him something similar. I’d been so young, inexperienced. But sometimes I’d do anything to go back to the fifteen-year-old I was then. I wished I had the bravery she did .

“I don’t know what you want from me.” My voice was a defeated whisper. “I’m leaving, Nolan. I keep telling you we have no future, but that only seems to encourage you more. So please tell me what you want, because I’m so confused.”

Despite my insistence, I didn’t resist when his hand covered mine. Wasn’t surprised I wove my fingers through his and held on tight. Because what I wanted and what I knew I should do were entirely different things.

“I’m not asking for your future,” Nolan said in a low voice, his gaze on our joined hands. “I’m not asking you to stay, or even give up your career. Come the end of the month, we’ll still sign the divorce papers.”

“Then what are you asking?” I asked, though I was beginning to understand.

He wasn’t asking for my future... but just right now ? And then at the end of the month we’d still say goodbye?

He reached for me, and I held my breath, bracing for him to bring me in for a kiss. But he only caressed his fingers against my cheek, pushing a loose curl behind my ear. “Just give me a date.”