Chapter Thirty-five: Never Have I Ever

Gia

NEVER HAVE I EVER

Performed by Danielle Bradbery

I could almost feel Ryder’s internal debate wafting through the air. He didn’t want me to do this. I’d said too much about my plan to entice Laredo into taking me somewhere private. I should have known Ryder wouldn’t be thrilled about that scenario, regardless of the strategy behind it. Regardless of the fact that I’d used similar ploys to plant devices in places around the world.

I just had to be prepared for whatever Laredo would have waiting if he already knew who I really was, if the leak in the task force had already given him my real job along with my badge number.

Ryder moved past me, shoving his way through the stack of trunks, stopping at a large rounded one with a heavy, old-fashioned lock hanging open off it. I followed him, looking inside to see a slew of movie props. Swords and a fake holy grail. A shield. Sashes and shoes and bags.

Ryder handed me a red velvet bag. “There’s a tiara in here that Gemma lent the film crew last year. It has a matching necklace, earrings, and a bracelet. It’s all very Art Deco and a bit gaudy, but the large pieces might help you hide a camera.”

I drew out a tiara made of yellow gems and diamond-like crystals. Designed with elaborate scrolls of curves and flowers embedded around the large stones on the front, it fell off to more round diamonds on the sides. It was tastefully small but jewel-studded enough to make a statement. A pair of clip-on earrings with large yellow and white gems dangling down several inches matched the tiara along with a three-strand, beaded necklace and a stunning cuff bracelet.

“These are beautiful—gaudy—like you said, but gorgeous. I’ll figure out how to add a camera to at least one of them and stream the feed to our burner phones.”

I was still uneasy about Ryder coming with me. Every protective instinct in my body had roared to life, determined to make sure he was around for that little girl who desperately needed him. I was terrified I’d miss an opportunity to end this because I was afraid of letting him out of my sight. Alone, I could maneuver through anything. With him… I’d be tempted to watch over him rather than do the job. But also, I needed him to get me in the door.

Worse, I needed another set of eyes at that gala, and right now, I didn’t know who I could trust besides Rory. Not with Enrique and Leland both under suspicion.

“I need one of Scully’s men to go grab my bag from your house,” I told him.

“I’ll call Maddox and see if he can do it.”

How would Maddox feel about me using his brother? I could almost hear him trying to dissuade Ryder as much as I had.

We made our way down the rickety stairs, and I checked on Addy again. My heart swooshed softly, happy to see her still sound asleep, wrapped in the blankets with her stuffed animal and not hiding under the bed. Today had been terrifying, but maybe the love she felt from Ryder…from me…was allowing her to still believe in some measure of safety.

Ryder grabbed my hand, steering me back to the room we’d lost ourselves in for a few minutes, but I pulled away. “If you could call Maddox, that would be great. I want to check in with the officers outside, and I need to make a few calls.”

“You need to rest your voice and get some sleep so you’ll heal.”

It had been so long since I’d let anyone worry about me, care for me, love on me, that it was overwhelming to have it all streaming at me now from Ryder. What was even stranger was that I actually bloomed under the attention, actively craving his concern and love.

I still didn’t know what any of this meant for me going forward. Leland’s words about there coming a time when I’d be willing to give up my job for someone came back to me. I’d scoffed at it, doubted it would ever happen, and now…love had hit me like an overwrite virus, destroying what I’d had and making me start anew.

Except, unlike catching a computer virus, I didn’t feel frustrated or angry. Love wasn’t ugly or vicious. The way it wrote itself on your soul was beautiful. I wanted to keep it rather than scrub it away. Those few moments tangled with Ryder hadn’t been nearly enough. I craved more. I yearned to have those feelings every single day, to wake up with his blue eyes taking me in and his fingers tracing patterns on my skin.

I eased back into Ryder’s space, rose on my toes, and kissed him. Softly. A quiet pledge. A promise I hadn’t been able to say aloud yet. Because what would it really matter if I did say those words? He lived on a ranch in the middle of Nowhere, Tennessee. I lived in Maryland, miles away from NSA headquarters. I traveled the world, and he barely left the ranch. He reveled in being with his family, and I ran from mine in the name of service to a country I wasn’t always sure deserved it.

Unlike Leland giving up fieldwork to stay close to headquarters, I doubted the NSA would let me do even an analyst job from the middle of nowhere.

My emotions were ping-ponging all over the place, and I was desperate to get some control back, to talk to someone who would understand.

I ran my hand along his cheek, the beard a dichotomy of soft and prickly. “Let me do two things, and then I’ll come and rest.”

He brought my hand to his mouth, kissed the knuckles, squeezed, and then turned and walked toward his grandmother’s bedroom.

My heart fluttered. He was trusting me—not only to do my job but to come back to him.

After what Ravyn had done to him, I knew how hard it was for him to do just that.

I promised myself I wouldn’t let him down, even if I couldn’t see the right ending.

After I checked in with the man on guard out back and reassured myself Laredo’s men hadn’t followed us here—at least not yet—I stepped back into the kitchen. I dialed my brother’s number from memory, hoping he’d pick up even though I was calling from a burner phone.

A gruff, sleep-filled voice answered, “Hello?”

I cringed, realizing it was the middle of the night in Toronto, where Holden and The Painted Daisies were, if I’d kept his schedule right.

“Holden. It’s Gia.”

“What the hell is wrong with your voice?”

I swallowed, suddenly not wanting to lie about any of it to him. “That’s not what’s important at the moment. I have a question for you.”

“Seriously, G, what’s wrong?”

“How did you do it?”

He hesitated for a beat, and knowing my brother, he was trying to figure out how far to push me about my voice. He sighed, giving in and asking, “Do what?”

“Your job protecting Leya when you were attracted to her?”

“Hold on.” I heard rustling, a murmur of voices, a door shutting, and then he came back on the line, asking, “Where are you?”

“Tennessee.”

A small half-laugh echoed over the line. “The Hatley Ranch?”

I wasn’t there at the moment, but I knew what he meant. “Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Everyone there was in my face constantly about whatever the hell had gone down between you and Ryder. What did go down? And why are you back there?”

“When I was here last time, he caught me going through his office.”

Two long seconds passed before he asked cautiously, “Why the hell were you doing that?”

I inhaled slowly, debating, and then letting the air out with the truth. “You don’t really think I work for an agricultural journal, do you?”

“What? Yes, damn it. That is what I thought!” More silence that I didn’t fill as I let my smart brother catch up. “What are you telling me? You’re CIA?” He was upset. I’d known he would be if it ever came out, but there was more hurt and worry than anger in his tone.

“NSA Special Collection Service.”

“Jesus, G,” he grunted. “How the hell did you get mixed up with them? And what does this have to do with the Hatleys?”

“I can’t talk about the case—you know that. And what? I can’t serve my country like my dad and my brother?”

“Is this what really happened in South America? The time you told me you were surrounded by guerillas? They could have chopped you into bits and fed you to the crocodiles, and we’d never have known what happened to you.”

I let out a frustrated huff. “Look. I didn’t call to talk about what happened in the past. I’ve done a damn good job protecting myself and my team. I even made sure you had backup in Colombia. So, stop harassing me about my job and what I have or haven’t been doing. The only reason I’ve come clean tonight is because I need some perspective. How did you stay objective?”

Another long silence followed before he asked, “The CIA agent who helped us? That was your doing?” When I didn’t respond, he said gruffly, “Thank you.”

“Wait, what was that? Did Golden Holden just thank me for something? Wow. How bad did that hurt?”

He chuckled. “Come on, I’ve thanked you plenty of times. You were the reason Leya and I ended up at the Hatleys when we needed a place to stay, and I thanked you then.”

“Write it down in the record books. I’ve gotten thanked two whole times,” I teased, my chest lightening just from talking to him.

“Ha ha,” he said before clearing his throat and moving on. “So, you’re at the Hatley ranch, and you’ve got what? The hots for Ryder? And you’re worried it’s making you lose your objectivity?”

“I’d say it’s more than the hots, but yes,” I said quietly. The way I felt in Ryder’s arms… It had felt like…belonging. True belonging I’d never felt, even with my family. Maybe that was my fault because I’d been lying to them for years about who I really was, but no one had ever looked at me and seen me the way Ryder did. Tonight, as we’d lain there, hearts pounding and bodies still shaking, it was as if he read my entire history, every emotion I’d ever had, and still wanted me to stay.

“Want my advice?”

“That’s why I called, Holds.”

“Leave. Get out. You can’t do the job and remove yourself—not if you have feelings for him.”

My eyes closed. My heart skidded around in my chest. “That’s the one thing I can’t do.”

My brother heard the words I hadn’t said to Ryder in every syllable. “You love him.”

“You didn’t leave Leya,” I said instead of admitting to feelings Ryder deserved to hear first.

“I didn’t. And she got kidnapped. I almost lost her.” I heard the pain in his admission, what he perceived as his failure, in every syllable.

“What would you have done differently if you couldn’t leave?”

“I couldn’t leave. I didn’t know who we could trust.”

“I’m in the same boat,” I told him. “Someone’s been keeping the truth from us.”

“G… Let me see if I can swing some coverage here. Things have calmed down since we found Landry’s killer. I’ll come to you.”

“You have all new responsibilities with the band. I’m not tearing you away from that. I shouldn’t have called. I have another task force member here with me. We’ll be okay. I’ll just put some distance between Ryder and me.” I didn’t trust Enrique, and I wasn’t sure Ryder would let me put any space between us. But I’d called my brother and worried him when there was nothing he could do, so I said what had to be said.

“If you feel even one-tenth of what I feel for Leya, I can guarantee it’ll be impossible to put any distance between you.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“I can only hope you don’t feel the way I did, G. I don’t want you to get hurt, and I don’t want your conscience to be filled with my same regrets. If something worse had happened to Leya…” He dropped off, unable to finish. Seeing my brother with his famous wife, I could only imagine the devastation he would have felt. When I saw them together, it was like seeing one person divided into two bodies. Their connection glowed around them like its own aura.

If something happened to Ryder or Addy on my watch, it would tear me apart.

I’d be shattered.

The entirety of these emotions scared me more than chasing a cartel ever had.

“I love you, G.”

“Love you too, Golden Holden.”

“Keep me posted.”

“I will.”

“I mean it. If I don’t hear from you at least once a day until you tell me it’s all clear, I’m going to send some Secret Service buddies to track you down.”

I laughed. “Don’t you dare. My NSA boss would hate that.”

“I know. That’s why I’d do it.”

When we hung up, I wasn’t sure if I felt better or worse. All I knew was that I couldn’t fuck up. For those few moments when I’d been lost in Ryder’s arms, I’d lost all cognizant thought. There’d been nothing outside his hands and mouth. No job. No cartel. No danger. When the car alarm had gone off, it had slammed reality back into me. I could have been surprised all over again, just as I had been by the giant and his friend at the house.

Instinctively, I knew it wasn’t my feelings that were the problem. In fact, the feelings I had for Ryder and Addy—for the entire Hatley family—made me more determined than ever to shield them from anything that came their way. I’d put myself between any of them and a bullet. I’d dismantle, code by code, the world of any asshole who tried to come at them. The problem had been forgetting everything while I was lost in him.

So, the touching had to be put on hold. Not the feelings. Just the skin on skin.

All I had to do was remember who I was—the woman who’d spent years earning her spy badge and proving her merit with the NSA. I knew how to catch Laredo. I had to trust my experience and training to get us through this.

I’d do the research. I’d find all his hidden secrets.

I’d bring Laredo and the Lovatos down.

And then after… After, I’d let myself wander in the shimmering bubble Ryder offered, allow myself to forget who I’d been, and see where the wind blew me.