Chapter Sixteen: Made that Way

Ryder

MADE THAT WAY

Performed by Jordan Davis

I looked about Addy’s room with a lightness in my heart that hadn’t been there before. It wasn’t littered with her personality the way Mila’s room was at my brother’s, but it was a step in the right direction. There were toys piled in the corners, a dragon blanket on her bed, and the closet now looked like someone actually lived there instead of holding a solitary outfit.

“What would you like to do now?” I asked.

She had the jaguar tucked under her armpit as she dug in her backpack that she’d placed right by the bed again. She came out with the Switch and picked up the two new video games we’d bought.

“You really do like your video games, don’t you?” My lips twitched.

She shrugged, but there was a light in her eyes that tugged at me.

“Why don’t you bring that into my office? You can play while I get a few things done.”

She looked around the room as if she was reluctant to leave, and that made me both happy and sad.

“Scratch that. Stay right here. I’ll get my computer and bring it in.”

She didn’t respond but turned her attention to the video game box, trying to open it. I stepped over, brought out my pocket knife, and went to cut open the plastic and tape. She jerked away from the knife, scooting back onto the bed until she was pressed against the headboard. I cursed inwardly, thinking of what she’d seen happen to her mother. I swallowed over the lump in my throat but finished opening both games for her before setting them on the bed.

After I grabbed the bags of trash we’d filled with tags and plastic, I headed for the door. I looked back to see she was already pushing the game cartridge into the device, and my chest eased ever so slightly.

I hurried out, threw the garbage in the cans outside, grabbed a couple of bottles of water, and stopped by my office to get my laptop. When I came back into Addy’s room, her thumbs were moving, and there was a furrow between her brow as she concentrated on the new game.

I kicked off my boots and joined her on the bed, leaning against the headboard.

She stilled when our arms brushed momentarily, but then she settled back into the game.

It was progress.

I opened my emails, working through the small stack that had accumulated since the day before. There was another note from the president of the Eastern Dude Ranchers’ Association, asking if I’d received his invitation to the charity gala, and all but insisting I come so we could discuss my future with the association. As much as I hated his events, I wasn’t sure I could say no. Or should say no.

Jaime Laredo was not only persuasive, he was usually right. In addition, I owed him. Without the knowledge he’d shared, I wouldn’t have been able to save our ranch. These days, he wanted me to step into the treasurer’s position that had been vacated due to an unfortunate heart attack, and while I’d never been interested in taking on a leadership role in the association, it was hard to keep turning him down. On the other hand, with Addy being here, I’d have less time and less tolerance for the politics of the association.

I closed the email without responding.

Addy gave out a frustrated grunt, and I looked over to see she’d switched cartridges and was trying to load the second game.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She tilted the device to me, and I saw an error message stating there wasn’t room to load the game. I frowned. “Let me see.”

There were only five games there—the four she’d had before and the new one. I flipped through the menus until I found the device’s capacity. With a two-terabyte card installed, there should have been plenty of room to load the game. I fiddled around some and then tried to load the game again.

I got the same message.

My phone rang. I handed Addy back the Switch. “Maybe it has a virus, or something’s wrong in the settings. We’ll figure it out. And if we can’t, I’ll get you a new one, okay?”

Her shoulders slumped, and I wanted to run out and get her a new one right then.

“You can take off one of the old games and try to put the new one on for now,” I suggested before looking down at my phone and seeing my mother’s face.

I answered and said, “What’s up?”

“I know I said I wouldn’t push, but we’d love to have Addy over here for dinner,” Mama said.

Other than the huge tantrum Addy had thrown at the mall, we’d had a good day. I didn’t want to break the little thread of calm and comfort she seemed to have found—we’d found.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. We’re just getting settled in.”

“It’ll just be us and Sadie. Just one more person. Dinner is ready and waiting, and after, she can see the kittens. I saw the way her eyes lit up when I mentioned them.”

So did I, and I wasn’t interested in bringing a cat into the mix. I already had my hands full.

But if we stayed here, I’d have to cook, and while Mama had filled my fridge, I still wasn’t sure what I’d make.

“Fine,” I groused.

She snorted at my obvious reluctance. “See you soon.”

Addy was watching me with curious eyes. “I guess we’re going to the ranch for dinner. Mama wants to show you the kittens. It’ll be just my parents and my sister Sadie.”

Her brows raised, but that blank look that had preceded her terrifying tantrum didn’t return.

“Get your shoes and your new coat. I’ll go let Gia know.” The idea of putting Gia and Sadie in the same room gave me heartburn. My little sister already thought something had happened between Gia and me, and while we had once exchanged a goddamn kiss, it had been punishment more than pleasure. Although, which of us it had really punished was unclear, as I still couldn’t escape the taste of her.

I knocked on Gia’s bedroom door.

“Yeah?” she hollered. I twisted the knob and stepped inside. She was on the bed, her ponytail now tied into a messy knot on top of her head, and her feet were bare. Bright-pink nail polish glimmered on her toes. The color was somehow surprising when black or a deep purple would have suited her snarky attitude better. Even when I’d thought she was a journalist, there’d been an edge to Gia that had made her seem rough and tumble rather than soft and girlie. And yet, that color felt all girl. All woman.

If it weren’t for the computer and papers strewn about her, she’d look like she’d just woken from a nap. My dick responded to the idea of her in bed, soft and warm and messy. My body wanted to push her work aside, take off her clothes, and see what other kinds of mess we could make. My brain told my body to take a cold shower and put as much distance between us as possible. The feelings I was having for her after our day together, along with the hole in my resolve about women and relationships after my talk with Sadie, had my mind screaming danger.

Maybe it was that prick of alarm that had my words coming out colder than I intended when I said, “We’re heading to the ranch for dinner. If you’re busy, don’t feel like you have to come. There’s plenty of food in the fridge now that Mama loaded it up.”

A look crossed her face that might have been hurt, and I immediately felt like an ass. I wouldn’t have gotten through the morning without her, and now I was making it sound like I didn’t want her with us. And while it was true, because having Gia with us would allow her to continue chiseling away at the barrier I’d put up between me and my desire for her, it was also equally true that I liked having her around. I liked those flames that licked through me when our skin happened to brush.

“Or come,” I grunted out. “Doesn’t matter. Either way.”

“Wow. How badly did that hurt?” she asked, mischief lighting her eyes, as if there’d never been anything else there a moment before.

I huffed and turned around so I wouldn’t be tempted to kiss the look right off her face. “We’re leaving in five minutes if you’re coming.”

“I need ten.”

“I can give you seven.”

“You’re such an ass.”

I came out of the room to see Addy wearing the new flowered coat Gia had picked out. She had her backpack on again and the stuffed jaguar in her arms. I wanted to tell her she didn’t need to bring the bag with her, but that would likely rip her sense of security away. I’d just have to hope she’d realize soon enough that she didn’t need it.

We made our way to the kitchen, and I saw the Escalade key fob on the counter where Gia had dropped it when we’d come in. I picked it up and headed for the garage. I opened the back passenger door of the SUV for Addy, and she climbed in. Then, I went to the driver’s side, backed the seat up, and started adjusting the mirrors.

When Gia joined us, she’d brushed her hair back into a smooth ponytail, pulled on a sweatshirt that read University of Pennsylvania, and slid her feet back into the blue cowboy boots she’d had on since I’d seen her in my brother’s office. Boots that I’d harassed her about the first time she’d been at the ranch, saying they were what city folk thought actual country folk wore, but they’d never hold up to the rigors of life on the ranch. The boots looked scuffed and worn now, but they also looked like they’d held up just fine, making me wrong about yet another thing when it came to Gia Kent.

When she saw me in the driver’s seat, her eyes narrowed. She opened the passenger door, put her hands on her hips, and demanded, “What are you doing driving my car?”

“I don’t like being a passenger,” I told her.

“Ryder, get out of the driver’s seat.”

“Climb in. We’re already late.”

“You’re not driving my car.”

“It isn’t really your car.” But it made me wonder what kind of car she actually owned. The last time she’d been here, she’d been in a similar vehicle.

“That isn’t the point.”

“What is your point?”

“You can’t drive a government vehicle.”

I put the SUV into reverse and pushed down ever so slightly on the gas so the door bumped into her as it started to move.

“Ryder!”

“Get in, darlin’, or you’re gonna get run over.”

A panicked noise from the back made me turn my eyes to Addy. She was upset, which made me feel like a jerk in a way the argument with Gia hadn’t. Arguing with Gia only made me want to shove her up against a wall and kiss her until she gave in. But I hated that I’d upset Addy. Gia had heard the choked noise too. Indecision warred over her features before she huffed and pulled herself into the passenger seat.

“Don’t call me darlin’,” she hissed, slamming the door with so much force the windows rattled.

“Your boss will dislike you destroying the door more than me driving.”

She didn’t respond, and I shoved aside what felt like disappointment. I enjoyed sparring with her more than I should have—just like the argument over chocolate and vanilla earlier had made me want to show her just what she was missing, what dominating and overpowering could do for her.

I backed out of the garage and hit the button on the remote on my key chain to shut the door. As we drove down the driveway, Gia turned back and looked at my house for a moment. “Did you set the alarm?”

I unlocked my phone and tossed it at her. “You can turn it on from there.”

She found the app with no problem, clicking through the settings before saying, with a hint of surprise, “This is a decent system.”

I looked from the road to her and back. “With everything that went down with the West Gears and then The Painted Daisies, we upgraded everywhere on the ranch.”

The SUV’s headlights reflected off the Narrow Bridge sign, and I caught a glimpse of the creek below. It was full after a winter of heavy rains and snows, with more coming. The dark clouds that had started our day were still hanging around. The weather report had said it would hold off tonight, but the air was cold enough that if it did come down, it might just snow. I wondered whether Addy had ever experienced snow. What had she looked like the first time she’d stepped into it? What had the smile on her face looked like when she’d built her first snowman? Had there been joy in her eyes as she’d whooshed down a hill on a sled? My chest tightened. So many firsts I’d lost out on.

The pain of what I’d lost overtook me on the brief drive from my house to the ranch, and the car settled into a gloomy silence I regretted.

I pulled up in one of the empty parking slots in front of the restaurant’s darkened windows. In another few months, it would be bustling with activity as the season kicked in, reminding me I really needed to get back to work on the cabins.

When I got out and went around to Addy’s door, she was stiff as a board again. My heartbeat picked up pace, wondering if she’d throw another tantrum like the one at the mall. Her eyes were wide, taking in the barn and restaurant and well-lit house.

“I know it looks big,” I told her. “But it’s just my parents, who you met last night, and Sadie.”

Gia stood just behind me as we waited, unsure what would happen.

Slowly, Addy unlatched her seat belt and picked up her bag and her stuffed animal. I helped her out of the car, and to my surprise, she slid her tiny hand into mine, the soft skin rubbing against my calluses. My throat instantly clogged as I gently held onto her fingers, almost afraid they’d disappear.

“You ready?” I asked, looking down into her face.

Her eyes were big in the fading light, but she nodded.

We headed for the wraparound porch and the back door.

The warmth hit us as if we’d opened an oven door, the smell of sugar and cinnamon mixing with the smell of Mama’s chili. More comfort food. Rainy day, comfort food.

I took my hat off as we stepped in, hanging it on the coatrack and sliding out of my jacket as I hollered, “We’re here.”

Rapid footsteps approached, causing Addy to step behind me. Sadie appeared in the kitchen’s archway with an inquisitive look in her eye, head angling to the side to catch sight of Addy, who’d tucked herself behind me. Her face broke into a huge smile with her eyes flashing just like Mama’s had the day before. Sadie said softly, but with enthusiasm, “Well, hello there!”

Addy remained still, as if she were invisible.

My sister came closer, leaning over to meet Addy’s gaze. “I’m your Aunt Sadie. And while you don’t know this yet, I can promise you I’m the fun one. I’m the one you’ll come to whenever you want to get into a little trouble, and this one”—she tossed a thumb in my direction—“is being all prickly and growly and saying no.”

Addy didn’t respond, but Sadie didn’t let it stop her.

“You can take your coat and backpack off and hang them right there by the door.” Then, my sister stood and turned to Gia. Her smile got even wider, a little dimple appearing. “Well, well, look at what the coyote dragged back onto the ranch. Just couldn’t stay away now, could you?”

Gia laughed, reaching over to help Addy with her backpack and jacket.

By the time all their coats were hung, Mama and Dad came in looking disheveled in a way I didn’t want to think about.

“You’re here!” Mama came closer, bending down to meet Addy in the eye. “What would you like to do first? See the barn and the kittens or the playroom that thinks it’s an entire toy store?”

“Maybe we can actually make it into the house first?” I said dryly. Everyone chuckled and backed into the kitchen more. I looked around and said, “I thought you said dinner was ready and waiting?”

Mama looked a bit sheepish. “Well… Once I realized you were really coming, I decided to whip up some cornbread, so we have a few more minutes.”

Outside, a bolt of lightning lit up the sky, and barely a second later, thunder boomed so loud it vibrated the entire house. Addy jumped, moving closer to me. I put my hand slowly around her shoulders. “Just a bit of a storm. Nothing bad.”

Hail hit the roof, bouncing off the porch and adding a crescendo of music to the kitchen that had dropped into silence.

Mama took it in stride, sticking out her hand to Addy and saying, “Well, looks like that gives us our answer. Let’s go check out the playroom.”

Addy looked up at me, and I said, “I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere. The playroom is upstairs.” I pointed above us. “It’s in my old bedroom from when I was your age.”

Curiosity got the better of her, and she withdrew her hand from mine to stick it in my mother’s. I resisted the urge to snatch it back. I’d already lost seven years with her, and I was selfish enough to want every moment for the next seven to be mine. I was already halfway in love with the tiny human being. And that was when the cold reality hit me with the same intensity as the lightning that filled the room. This little girl might not truly belong to me, and yet I was already making plans to keep her. If Ravyn had nearly destroyed me when she left, losing Addy might just finish off the job.

? ? ?

After dinner, Sadie and I cleaned up while Mama dragged out photo albums to show Addy—and Gia—pictures of me as a kid. It was supposed to be embarrassing, but I didn’t actually care. My childhood had been a good one. I’d gotten up to normal boyish pranks with Maddox. We’d tormented our little sisters in the typical sibling way. We’d been a family. I figured it might be good for Addy to see the love that poured from the pages. Maybe it would make her feel like she’d be safe and loved as well.

I took a dish from Sadie, dried it, and put it up on a top shelf.

“So… How are you really doing?” she asked, all mischievousness gone from her face.

I leaned against the counter, listening to Mama prattle and the nonanswers of Addy. “Feeling a bit like a tadpole put on land before I’ve grown lungs.”

“She doesn’t talk much.”

“No complete sentences.” I went on to describe the tantrum she’d thrown at the mall. “I don’t know what it’s all about, but if she saw even a portion of what happened to Ravyn…” My throat clogged up like it did every time I thought about it.

Sadie drained the water from the sink, rinsed it out, and took the towel I offered her. She leaned up against the cabinet with me, her once long, lanky body a little rounder these days after all she’d been through.

“I wish Ravyn wasn’t dead so I could kill her myself,” she said fiercely.

I didn’t want to admit how much I’d thought the same thing.

Neither of us said anything for several seconds. Then, Sadie smiled and shoved my shoulder with hers. “And Gia? You put your hands on her yet?”

“Gia is working a case. Nothing more. She’ll be gone as soon as she gets what she needs.”

“What does she need, big brother?”

I whipped the towel out of her hands, twisted it up, and smacked her on the thigh with it. “You’ve got a one-track mind, Sassypants. I can’t even stomach what that means for the guy who eventually falls for you.”

The twinkle in her eye dimmed a bit, sarcasm thick as she said, “Sass and scars and flabby skin. He’ll be so lucky.”

I wrapped my arm around her neck, rubbing my knuckles into her hair. “Damn right, he’ll be lucky.” She fought me off, and we were both smiling until I ruined it by saying, “You’re beautiful, Sadie. Inside and out. If a guy can’t see that, he isn’t worth your time—not even one night’s worth of your time.”

She grabbed the towel back and flicked it at my abs. “What? You become a dad and turn into a mush monster?”

I growled and made to grab the towel one more time, but she laughed, tossed it on the counter, and skipped out of the kitchen toward the living room.

I followed, rounding the archway and stopping as the image in front of me filled me with warmth. Addy was tucked between Gia and my mother with her jaguar pressed against her chest. Dad was sitting on a chair opposite with the television on low, but he was watching the women rather than the screen. Mama was flipping through an album. Addy kept reaching out to touch the page as Mama told her stories about my siblings and me.

Gia leaned in, checking out a picture of Maddox and me covered in mud from head to toe after we’d gone fishing in a rainstorm and ended up sliding down the hill on our way home. Mama wove the story more, explaining how we’d trailed it through the house, and it had taken days to clean up. Gia’s lips were turned upward, face soft and relaxed, and I wondered if that was what she’d look like after she climaxed too—tranquil and sweet and at ease.

Addy stifled a yawn, and it wiped away thoughts I shouldn’t have been having about the snarky NSA analyst. I looked at the antique clock on the mantel just as it chimed eight. Day two of parenthood, and I was already screwing up bedtime.

“Okay, I think we better head out. It’s been another long day.”

Mama patted Addy’s leg, and the little girl didn’t jump at the touch, which felt like more progress. “Next time you come, I’ll show you his awkward teen years. And I think we have some pictures around here of your mama and him.”

Addy’s eyes turned wide, and my stomach bottomed out. If Mama had a picture of Ravyn, it would be a rare one. I hadn’t had the opportunity to burn all images of her after she’d left because Ravyn had rarely let us take them. Just like she’d rarely liked to go out in public. At the time, I thought she was shy. I had been determined to make her feel as beautiful as I thought she was so that she’d want to take pictures with me.

After she’d left, it had been a relief to have so few pictures. I’d wanted to forget there’d ever been a woman named Ravyn who’d been a part of my world. I’d wanted it to be a black hole in my timeline. A before and after where I couldn’t remember the in-between.

“Thank you so much for dinner. And the stories,” Gia said. “I’m never going to be able to look at Ryder again without laughing at thoughts of him in his birthday suit covered in olallieberry stains.”

Mama chuckled, but my body heated all over again at the idea of showing Gia my naked body in a way that would have her begging instead of laughing.

We’d barely shrugged into our coats when headlights flashed through the window, coating us in white light. I narrowed my eyes at Mama. “You said it was just going to be you and Sadie.”

Mama nodded, brows drawing together as we watched Maddox’s Bronco pull in next to Gia’s Escalade.

I took Addy’s hand, bracing myself for what was to come. It felt like my brother had barely had time to park before the back door burst open, and Mila bounded in, screaming, “Nana!” at the top of her lungs. Her blond braids bounced around her cherub face, warm honey eyes glinting as she ran headfirst into my mother.

Mama caught her tight, saying, “Why isn’t this a nice surprise!”

Mila’s gaze went wide as she caught sight of me standing with Gia and Addy. Her eyes dropped to where I held Addy’s hand, and she was a breath away from demanding to know what was going on when my mother said, “I thought the three of you were going to the movies.”

My brother and McKenna pushed through the doorway covered in rain gear. McKenna was an older version of her little sister. Blond hair, light-brown eyes, heavy brows. She’d grown up in Willow Creek but skedaddled the moment she was eighteen, leaving a broken-hearted Maddox behind. When Maddox had found the baby sister McK hadn’t known existed living in squalor, he’d taken her in and made her his own. Eventually, that act had brought them all together.

“We were in the middle of the movie when the electrocity went out at the theater,” Mila said.

She rarely got her words mixed up anymore. It was an endearment we all sort of missed. McKenna corrected her, saying, “Electricity.”

“That’s what I said.” Mila turned away from my mother to look at us again. “Who’s that?”

I hadn’t been prepared for Mila tonight—for her questions or her energy—and I wasn’t sure Addy would ever be prepared for my over-the-top niece.

“You might remember Gia. She was here last year,” I answered before squeezing Addy’s hand and adding, “And this is Addy.” I wasn’t sure how to explain the rest, because we didn’t want Mila blabbing to the world Addy was mine, and yet I didn’t want Addy to hear me say she was only there for a little while. I hesitated, and it was Gia who picked up the rest for me.

“We’re staying with your Uncle Ryder.”

Mila’s eyes grew round. “I love staying with Uncle Ryder. He always lets me eat ice cream for breakfast.”

Maddox choked, Mama rolled her eyes to the ceiling, and I narrowed my eyes at my niece. “Thanks for ratting me out, kiddo.”

Mila’s hand went to her mouth. “Oops.”

Her gaze dropped to the stuffed animal in Addy’s hands, and she grinned, turning back to pull her two rainbow unicorns from McKenna’s arms and then skipping back over to us. “You have a stuffed animal too. This is Chester and Charlotte. They’re famous. They have a book written about them.”

Addy nodded slowly.

“You know the book?” Mila’s voice dropped to a whisper. “The Day the Unicorns Saved the World is still the bestest book of all the books that exist.”

“Dragons,” Addy said so quietly that I wasn’t sure she’d even spoken.

My niece grinned. “Oh, yes! The Day the Dragons Saved the Universe is my second-favorite book. If you like those books, it means we were meant to be friends. Maybe even best friends. And you know what best friends—”

“Breathe, Mila,” Maddox said with a soft chuckle.

“But, Daddy, it’s true.”

I reached down to pick up Addy’s backpack and helped her slide it on. “It’s late, and we were just leaving.”

“No!” Mila cried out just as my mother asked, “What about the kittens?”

“It’s rainy and late. We’ll come back tomorrow to see the kittens.”

“I don’t want to go out in the rain again. I’m going to spend the night,” Mila said, turning her big round eyes on my mother.

“You don’t get to demand it, Bug-a-boo,” McK told her with a chagrinned smile. “You need to ask Nana if you can stay. She might be busy and have plans tomorrow.”

“I don’t,” Mama came back without hesitation. She’d never deny time with her grandbaby. It made me ache all over again because she hadn’t had the chance to have those moments with Addy. My entire family had been denied what was rightfully theirs. I wanted to hate Ravyn for it all over again, but I wondered how my dislike of the mother she’d loved would impact Addy. And what was the point of continuing to hate a dead woman? It couldn’t do anything to her. It would only make Addy and me miserable.

“See!” Mila said, chin jutting out at McK before she turned to Addy. “You should spend the night too. We can build a blanket fort and sleep in it. Chester and Charlotte want to get to know your leopard better.”

“Balam. He is a jaguar.”

The complete sentence took me by surprise. It seemed like she hadn’t uttered a complete one in the entire time she’d been with me.

“That’s a super-cool name. You can stay and tell me all about where you got him, and how long you’ve been friends, and why you’re here with Uncle Ryder and Gia.”

Addy looked at me, but it wasn’t with the pleading eyes that Mila normally gave Maddox when she wanted to stay at my parents’ house. Hers looked scared, as if she was afraid I’d actually leave her there. The tightness in my chest grew until I was sure it was going to swallow me whole.

“Maybe next time, kiddo. Addy has had a long couple of days and needs some rest.”

Mila’s face fell. “Well, if you come to see Nana’s kitties tomorrow, I’ll be here, and we can become friends then.”

Gia thanked my parents once more, Mama hugged me tight, and Dad patted me on my shoulder. Sadie gave me an impish chin nod, head tilting toward Gia, and Mila squeezed my leg before running toward the stairs.

“I’ll walk you out,” Maddox said, stuffing his hat onto his head.

I slammed my hat on in a similar motion and led Gia and Addy out to the Escalade in the rain. While I opened both passenger side doors at the same time, Gia eased around me to slide into the front. I helped Addy up, watched her buckle her seat belt, and then shut the door all while Maddox watched from the rear of the SUV.

I joined him at the back, stuffing my hands into my pockets to ward off the chill and the wet. Our breath left wisps of white visible in the porch light.

“How are you holding up?” he repeated Sadie’s question.

“I’m okay,” I said, which wasn’t exactly a lie. I had moments of being okay.

“Look. I know what Gia said about the DNA test, but before you get yourself completely wrapped up, I think you should take one. I have a guy at the lab who runs tests for our department. He said he’d do an off-the-book test for us. You and her. No one else needs to know.”

That ache in my chest grew. It was already too late. I’d already gotten wrapped up. In a little over twenty-four hours, I’d fallen hard for a quiet little girl who’d experienced trauma at the hands of the same person who’d handed it to me. It didn’t really matter what the DNA test showed, did it? But if it meant I could make sure she was mine and mine for good, then I needed to do it.

I made my way around to the driver’s side and turned to meet my brother’s hooded gaze. “Arrange it. But I’m not sure it makes a difference.”