Chapter 25

Olivia stared at Sinclair. “How dare you go through my things!”

“You did not answer my question.”

“Because that is none of your concern. That is my desk and those are my papers. I gave you permission to read one paper, not search my desk.”

“Brook has always been an enigma. There’s been much discussion and curiosity as to his identity. Some believed it was an older man who lived in the country, brilliant, and enjoyed writing papers. Others believed him to be a scholar attached to one of the universities. Others thought he was a physician who wished to keep his identity a secret. Not one time did anyone ever consider that he may be a she.”

Olivia stared at Xavier but would admit to nothing. While everyone believed that Brook was a man, the writing, conclusions, and theories were respected. When those in the medical field learned, if they learned, they were authored by a woman, everything that she had written would be discarded immediately.

“Please leave my office.”

“Why?”

“Have I not just explained?”

His going through her things was a violation of privacy. Did Xavier truly have so little respect for her? How would he have been had she accepted his marriage proposal?

“I am sorry,” he finally said as he rose from the chair. “I couldn’t help myself. I did not think. When I read the paper, the writing was so familiar, and it took a few moments to realize that you wrote in the same manner as Brook. I thought perhaps you had just read his work so often that you adapted his style, but then dismissed the idea because why would you sound more like Brook than anyone else…I had to know.” He pushed his fingers through his hair. “But if anyone ever learns….”

Olivia said nothing.

“I would never expose you, Olivia.”

She believed him, but it was her secret and hers alone.

“Have you attended presentations at the Royal Society of Medicine?”

“Do women attend?” Olivia countered.

“Rarely. However, I recall one gentleman who looked familiar but I could not place the features. He always sat in the same chair. I always assumed it was O. W. Brook, which clearly he was not…unless….” Xavier frowned and studied her.

She would not confirm his suspicions.

“Take the paper. Rewrite or publish it. I no longer care.”

She stepped aside and opened the door further.

“Olivia, I truly am sorry. I should have waited and asked. It truly was a surprise to realize that you are Brook.”

No doubt it would be the same for anybody who learned.

“I have admired his…your work these past few years. My brother wanted to contact Brook to consult on Elaina. I was the one who didn’t want Brook there.”

She tilted her head. “Why is that?”

“I wanted no interference and as you know, thought I knew best.”

They were both aware that hadn’t been the case.

“I was an admirer of you before I knew you were…well, you.”

She was thrilled to be acknowledged for her intelligence and writing, especially by Xavier who had too often put forth his superiority. “Thank you. But the paper is complete. At least, my portion is. It now belongs to you. Publish or do not. There is other work that requires my attention.” She opened the door wider. “Have a good day, Dr. Sinclair.”

He opened his mouth to speak but said nothing and quit the room. Olivia shut the door behind him then poured herself a cup of tea before taking a seat behind her desk.

“Aggravating man!”

Xavier was the cause of so many conflicting emotions. She loved him, but Xavier did not return those feelings. He respected her writing, but still went through her things. At one time he treated her as a colleague and friend, then other times his tone was condescending. Though, he even admitted at times his message was conveyed in a way he didn’t intend. Too often he spoke without carefully thinking how best to word what he wished to say. And, apparently, he did other things without thinking the matter through, such as searching her papers.

Oh, he was an aggravating man, but there were far more good qualities to Xavier than negative. He cared, otherwise he would not have been with the children night after night. Any other surgeon would have called each day, checked on their progress and left. Xavier had practically lived here.

She had become used to having Sinclair at Westbrook House. He had been of great assistance and his research and care had been invaluable. Further his desire to concentrate on the health of children instead of those in Society was admirable.

Yet, his arrogance was too often present.

Oh, why did she love him and did that arrogance make it impossible for him to love her?

It no longer mattered. It was too painful to have him here merely as a friend when she wanted so much more.

When he was not seeing patients, Xavier had rewritten Olivia’s paper. It wasn’t to correct anything, simply to adjust the wording and phrases to match his own and not O. W. Brook. When he was finished, he had it published.

He still couldn’t believe that she had been the author of so many articles that caused him to sit back and reconsider what he had previously believed. Or, when she had presented questions when conflicting information had been presented, but in a way that made the reader deeply consider which earlier author had been correct.

Was it simply that a female mind had a way of looking at matters in a different manner?

It also did not take long to realize that the man who always arrived late to the lectures and presentations, sat in the shadows and left immediately was Olivia dressed as a man. It certainly explained why she had seemed familiar.

He also waited for there to be an illness or injury at Westbrook House, but no word had been sent.

After a fortnight, he assumed that all children had recovered and were likely back at their studies.

He would have called on her to inquire, but Olivia had no further need for him, nor did he believe that she would welcome him.

That simple thought caused more pain than he believed was possible.

He missed her, a loss he felt deeply—nearly to his soul. He’d not had such a good friend before—one that was missed when gone. If only she wanted him as much as he wanted her, but Olivia had dismissed him, and was likely still angry he’d gone through her desk.

Why hadn’t he stopped himself? It was a violation and one she would likely not forgive.

He had erred in so many ways, and he was a fool. An arrogant, frustrated fool, and Xavier would do anything to get her back.

“I have brewed tea if you would like a cup, Dr. Sinclair.”

He glanced up to find Lady Petra standing at the entry of his office.

“What kind of tea would it be today?” She liked to blend her own herbs for whatever mood she was in or thought anyone needed.

“One for melancholy.”

If only treating melancholy and depression was so simple. “There is a tea for that?”

“Yes.”

“What is in it?”

“Chamomile, rose petals and hawthorn berries.” She brought a cup and saucer forward and placed it on his desk.

Xavier picked up the cup and sipped. It was light. “This is enjoyable. Thank you, though I don’t believe I suffer from melancholy.”

“This tea is also to sooth an aching heart.”

“I have no heart ailments,” Xavier argued.

“Not physically, but it pines for someone, does it not?”

How could Lady Petra know anything about his emotions. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

She came forward and stared into his eyes. “You hide the love even from yourself. How very sad.” Then she was gone from his office before he could ask her to explain.

What the blazes did she mean by hiding it from himself. Xavier was fairly certain he knew each of his emotions and why he experienced them. Besides, how could someone hide something from themselves.

“We should go if we are to arrive on time,” Valentine said as he stepped into the office.

Tonight, he would present the paper Olivia had written to the Royal Society of Medicine. He was nervous about doing so, but only because he hoped that Olivia would be there, and now he knew where to look for her.

Would she be there tonight?

Was it too much to hope for?

Valentine said little as they traveled to the Royal Society of Medicine so that he could deliver his speech. When it was over, Xavier intended to return home and Valentine had plans to meet one of his brothers.

When the carriage pulled up to the building, he stepped out and entered, Valentine by his side, and then made his way to the podium after being introduced.

He set the paper down and glanced to the upper section and to the shadows to an empty chair. He suffered a stab of disappointment though he should not have expected her to be here. She had no need to be. Yet, he had hoped that she would.

As he was discussing the findings, Xavier realized that he was presenting this as if he had been alone, when that had not been the case. He stopped and glanced about the chamber of doctors, then back up, but her seat remained empty.

Not that it mattered, he had important things to say.

“I have spoken much on what was discovered, how the children were treated and the methods tried. However, I was not alone in these endeavors. By my side was Lady Olivia Westbrook, who is quite knowledgeable of medicine. Many of the suggestions for treatment came from her. She worked by my side, much as a colleague would, as we searched for an answer and I am proud to say that we did not lose one child to chincough, which is a rare circumstance indeed.”

He paused to consider his words.

“I did not write this paper either,” he announced. “I am merely presenting it and the author allowed me to put my name upon it, otherwise it would not have been read by the very doctors in this room.”

There were some murmurs throughout those in attendance.

“Everything written within is true, as I was there, but the paper was written by Lady Olivia Westbrook.”

A few of the murmurs grew louder before the men quieted.

“Women are not given the same advantages as men. I do not pretend to know the reasons other than far too many men believe their intelligence inferior. Whatever the reason, it is a failure of science and medicine not to allow women to pursue a medical education. I learned this by working alongside Lady Olivia and I am certain that my colleague, Dr. Valentine, would agree. Further, in the future and when in need of a consultation on a condition or ailment, I will not hesitate to seek Lady Olivia’s opinion.”

“There are matters that are too delicate for a woman,” someone called to which Xavier laughed, recalling when he’d made a similar comment.

“I made the mistake in believing that once. Dr. Valentine was about to perform a caesarean surgery on a woman who suffered a difficult labor. I believed that Lady Olivia should leave the room for the very reason you stated. Her response to me was As it is a woman who will experience such a procedure, I take objection to our delicate constitution.” He paused when there was laughter. “Therefore gentlemen, before dismissing a woman, realize that they have a far sterner constitution than we realize and likely match your intellect.”

He glanced one last time at the empty chair and tried to push aside the ache of disappointment.

“Thank you,” he finally said to those who had come to hear his presentation, but few had questions. Maybe it was all being dismissed because of Lady Olivia’s participation, which was something he could do nothing about.

As he stepped out into the evening air, Xavier took a deep breath. This was the last of what he and Olivia had shared. He’d not been back to Westbrook House in a fortnight, nor had he or Valentine been called to treat an injured or ill child. Though, there was little need, really, as Olivia had matters well in hand.

Except, he missed her. He ached with it.

Xavier had no idea that a person could physically long for someone else with such strength that it affected even his very breath.

He wanted to see her smile. He’d even settle for her scowl of disapproval if that was all he’d be allowed. Ah, to hear her voice, to sit beside her and discuss matters of importance, or even gossip. He would take anything that she was willing to give, but she did not want him.

Worse, she had no need for him and Xavier wasn’t certain a day would come that he did not need her.

He turned and walked to where his carriage waited.

There was only one explanation for why he had been suffering so since leaving Westbrook House, and he now had an answer to the questions he had started asking himself nearly a month ago. He now knew what it was to love someone who was not blood, for there was no other excuse for this need and desire for even a glimpse of her face.

When he had fallen in love, Xavier had no idea, but it had been long before they were finally intimate because he could clearly reflect back to when he fully took notice of Lady Olivia Westbrook and that was the first night that he had stepped into Westbrook House. Each time he had visited, he lost another piece of his heart until it had fully been turned over to her.