Chapter 20

Once her courses arrived, Olivia would no longer have cause to worry.

If they arrived.

They must arrive.

She had certainly enjoyed the pleasure of last night and as much as she would not mind repeating the experience, it was not worth the worry that ate at her now.

It was far more than pleasure. It had been exquisite and a memory that she would hold for the rest of her days.

It was also kind of Xavier to offer marriage. If she had given the matter any thought, it would have been expected because he was an honorable gentleman, after all, and proposals usually followed loss of virtue, but Olivia did not want him to make the sacrifice for her. She wasn’t even certain they would get along well enough to live in the same household for any length of time. She certainly would not make a good wife as she was not one to sit at home and stitch, entertain over tea, make calls, or anything else wives in Society did. Certainly, he understood. How would his brother, the earl, feel about his younger brother marrying what many considered an unconventional spinster?

Xavier clearly had not thought through his proposal before suggesting that they marry. It had simply been based only on honor and not because he carried any deep emotion for her.

Though, she would like to believe that they had developed a friendship and they had gotten along very well these past weeks. But they had been first trying to solve an attempted murder and then for weeks their concentration was on caring for the children. They had not really been given the chance to argue because of such heavy concerns on their minds. Now that all has settled, who was to say they wouldn’t return to how they were before?

Well, at least she had received a marriage proposal.

It had also come from a gentleman she loved. Unfortunately, he did not love her, and desire was not a reason to wed, for she was certain that it would one day dim and Xavier would realize the weight of his mistake and she would be the one to live with his disappointment and rejection. He could also likely blame her because she had been the one to insist after shutting and locking the door.

“How are the children?” Victoria asked as she walked into her office.

“Improving and it is my hope that they will all recover.”

Victoria shut the door and sank down into a chair in front of her desk. “And how is Dr. Sinclair?”

Olivia frowned. “He is well. I believe he has gone above stairs.”

Victoria nodded. “Is there anything that you wish to tell me?”

Just because Mrs. Shaw had told her suspicions to Victoria, didn’t mean that Olivia needed to confirm them. “No.”

“Well?”

“Well, what?” Olivia returned.

“What was it like? Was it awful or wonderful?”

Olivia could only stare at her twin. She’d never kept a secret from Victoria before, but nothing had ever been this personal.

“Let’s just say, I understand how one can easily be seduced.”

Victoria’s eyes widened. “Is that what he did?” She stood so quickly that the chair nearly tipped over. “Should we not ask him to leave?”

Olivia laughed. “I believe I seduced him as much as he seduced me.”

“How is that even possible?”

“I believe it began when I was the one who shut and locked the parlor door because I wanted to experience passion. He was the one who asked if I was certain and gave me every opportunity to send him away or reject him. I did not.”

Victoria gasped. “Shame on you.”

Olivia would have thought her sister was outraged had the corner of her lips not tipped.

“That is all I will say on the matter, and I am assured you will say nothing.”

“Society already frowns on us for taking in fallen women, can you imagine what they’d say if they learned that you are one as well?”

Olivia couldn’t help but join Victoria in her laughter.

Thank goodness her sister wasn’t shocked or angry or disappointed. No doubt, had she been given the same opportunity with a gentleman she felt a passion for, Victoria would have done the same.

“I also gained a marriage proposal from it this morning.”

Victoria sank back down into her chair. “You and Dr. Sinclair are going to marry?”

“No. I refused his offer because we both knew that it was made from propriety. You and I both know that is no reason to wed.”

Victoria leaned back, tilted her head, and studied Olivia. “Are you certain you don’t wish to wed?”

“Not without love. Further, being a wife would mean that I would have less time for Westbrook House if it were allowed. I would become property to a husband who would have the power to dictate what I could and could not do. We both know that I must have respect and be allowed to continue in our work.”

“I assume that means you do not love Dr. Sinclair, because I’m certain he would never keep you from Westbrook House.”

Except, she did love Xavier and had already admitted to herself that she had fallen in love. But that was one secret she would keep from her twin, as she would from Xavier for then he would insist they marry. Olivia would never marry a man where the love was one sided. If he loved her as well, it would be different. Instead, they had only shared desire and passion.

“It matters not my emotions because I will not wed.”

She had turned down his request for her hand without giving it any consideration.

Xavier had not been prepared to offer for Olivia and frankly, it had taken him by surprise when he did.

Why wouldn’t she marry him?

He was wealthy, the spare to an earl. He was a doctor who owned a home and did not need to rely on quarterlies like so many of his peers.

So, what the bloody hell was wrong with him?

“Are you angry Dr. Sinclair?” Fern asked as he marched into the kitchen.

“No. Yes. I don’t know.”

“Usually, a gentleman who spent the night as you did is in better spirits,” Corliss observed.

Xavier nearly gaped at them. Such was never said to a gentleman of his standing by women who were servants in a home.

Except, they weren’t servants. This was their home and they all saw to the management of it, including acting as maids, a cook, nurses, and anything else that was needed of them. Further, their lives had been quite different before coming here and were far more worldly than either of the Westbrook twins, and likely thought nothing of acknowledging intimacies.

“What do you know of how I spent my night?”

He looked from Fern to Corliss to Maeve and then to Mrs. Shaw. He did not know how, but they knew. Likely because Fern had formed her own conclusions after she entered the parlor this morning. However, he was not about to confirm their suspicions. What happened between him and Olivia was a private matter.

One that would be repeated. Several times if he had any say.

Well, if she would stop being stubborn they would.

“She turned down my proposal,” he announced.

“Of course she did,” Corliss said. “No lady wants to marry because it is expected. Given Lady Olivia is a spinster of a certain age, she will not merely settle, or she would have by now. If you wish to win her, you will only be able to do so with love.”

“Love?”

Fern shook her head and chuckled. “And gentlemen think they are the smarter gender.”

He knew what love was, but is that what he felt for Olivia?

Did she feel that for him?

He had heard others talk of love and his brothers all swore that they would only marry for love, even though the eldest may not have such an option. But that still didn’t answer the question as to whether Xavier loved Olivia.

Look at the lengths the Clermonts had gone for a son, even though the couple insisted they loved each other. A husband and wife in love did not openly accept a mistress even if it wasn’t about pleasure. Or, had it been and his wife had been gullible enough to trust that the two sharing intimacies was no more than a business arrangement when it gave the lord a perfect excuse to keep a mistress.

How could Clermont even go to another woman’s bed if he loved his wife so much?

Except, deep down, Xavier knew that Clermont had only wanted an heir and if his wife had provided that son, he likely would have never considered bedding another woman.

Perhaps love was the cause of madness, for their answer to an heir had certainly not been conventional.

Xavier never expected to experience love because he had set his mind on remaining a bachelor, therefore, did not allow himself to be drawn into emotional entanglements.

There was no doubt that he wanted Olivia and desired her, but did he love her?

How did one know when they loved or were in love?

His entire medical career had been dedicated to studying the mind and trying to understand why people suffered from such ailments as depression, melancholy, and so forth. He knew that it wasn’t simply because they were having a difficult day. There were too many cases where by all appearances the person had an exceptional life, such as a devoted spouse, a comfortable home, loving children, such as his own mother, which meant that there was far more going on inside to bring about the difficulties. That is what he had sought to understand and heal. He never considered the heart, emotion, and love.

Though, he never doubted his mother’s love for her husband and children, which was something that just occurred to him.

Now he wished that he’d also studied how emotions affected the body, outside of the mind.

So often people claim that emotions lie in the heart, which he dismissed. The heart pumps blood and keeps the body alive. The emotions lived near the heart, or it wouldn’t be affected so strongly.

Xavier wandered out of the kitchen and into the courtyard, still carrying a cup of tea and settled on a bench.

What exactly was love? How did a person identify it within themselves?

He understood love, the deep caring that he had for his family, each of them individually.

It was the love for someone that was not of blood who became dear to him that he was not quite certain of. Love of a family began at birth and grew and was already there when a person became aware of it. But love that grew after meeting someone…well, that had never happened to him before. Would he even know if it did?