Chapter 19

In the aftermath of their passion and as Olivia’s heart and pulse finally began to slow, she also became chilled, yet she couldn’t manage to move. If she hadn’t known better, she’d be convinced that her bones had disintegrated, leaving only skin and muscle with nothing to support.

Xavier lay on his side, his arm draped over her waist, mouth close to her ear. She noted when his breathing finally became normal as well.

That was the most incredible experience of her entire life. She’d never understood how a woman could be seduced. In fact, it was beyond her comprehension how misses allowed such intimacies. But, if their lovers had been half as skilled as Xavier, it was a wonder there weren’t more ruined women in London.

The mistresses spoke of pleasure when they’d shown up at Westbrook House after being abandoned, but in Olivia’s naivety she thought they had meant affection.

The fire had died, and a chill swept over her body as she shivered.

Xavier said nothing but rolled away from her, then lifted her before he carried her to the settee, where he deposited her naked body onto it, then lay down beside her, bringing the blanket over them both.

Olivia turned to her side to grant him more room and he pulled her back against his chest. The two of them cocooned was quite pleasant.

He said nothing but kissed her cheek.

Was there really anything to say?

Olivia didn’t know when she fell asleep, but the pounding on the parlor door woke her from a deep slumber.

She quickly sat up and then remembered that she was naked and pulled the blanket across her breasts.

“Lady Olivia, is all well?” Fern called.

“Yes…um…give me a moment.” She scrambled to find her dress and pulled it on over her head, then kicked her stockings and shift beneath the settee while Xavier buttoned the placket of his trousers and pulled his shirt over his head.

It was then she recalled that he had not even removed his trousers last night, not that she minded.

She quickly folded the blanket as he pulled on his boots then drew a breath and calmly walked to the door and opened it. “I apologize. We must have fallen asleep while reading the journals.”

Fern’s eyebrows rose, and Olivia was almost certain she snorted, though it was too quiet to be sure.

Olivia’s face burned as she was certain Fern knew what had occurred last night, but she dearly hoped that nothing was said.

“I will bring you a fresh pot of tea and breakfast will be ready shortly.”

“Thank you, Fern,” she said. “How are the children?”

“Recovering,” she answered and took the tea tray from the night before with her.

Olivia wanted to die of humiliation.

What must Fern think of her?

Until Xavier, she was a proper, respectable spinster. Would they now view her as ruined? Would they look down on her for her behavior? It didn’t matter that their lives had been less than proper, but the women who worked within Westbrook House hadn’t had a choice as to their life circumstances. She did.

Oh goodness.

“Regrets?”

She turned to find Xavier studying her, his brown eyes full of concern and in an instant recalled everything from the night before, which brought a tingle of awareness through her entire being. “No. You?”

“Never.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers. “I shall take my leave, but I will return later this morning after I have changed my clothing.”

It was what he did every day.

“I will see you then.”

Olivia watched as he left, shrugging on his suitcoat in the process, his cravat loose about his neck. He always left in the same disheveled state, but returned a properly turned-out gentleman.

She blew out a sigh and wandered to the kitchens where she could make her own cup of tea so that the women were not bothered.

When she stepped inside Fern, Corliss and Maeve looked at her, eyebrows raised and humor in their eyes.

Her face burned, and she was certain that it must be quite red.

“I told you we merely fell asleep.”

“I am certain that you did, after.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’ve never had cause to shut the parlor door before, let alone lock it.”

“I must have not realized that I did so.” She didn’t dare admit to what had happened.

“It’s about time you had some pleasure,” Maeve stated. “But before you let it happen again, make certain he has a French letter.”

She was about to deny that anything happened, - except- “What is a French letter?” Unless it was a letter from France and if so, what should that matter where intimacies were concerned?

“It’s a sheath made of animal intestines and designed to fit over a gentleman’s manhood and acts to keep the pox out.”

“Pox!” she stated in alarm. “Should I be concerned?”

“It is not the reason I’m suggesting it, but it stands to reason that if it keeps a man from getting or giving the pox, it also holds his seed within the sheath,” Maeve explained.

“There has been no discussion that it could be used for such, but common sense would dictate that it could prevent a child,” Corliss reasoned.

Goodness. Olivia hadn’t been concerned that Xavier carried a disease. She supposed she assumed that being a gentleman he would use greater care and hoped that she was correct. However, his seed had been freed into her.

She grabbed the table and slipped into a chair.

What had she done?

What if their one magnificent encounter resulted in a permanent reminder?

“There, there, Lady Olivia.” Maeve patted her hand. “A woman rarely conceives the first time, and usually it takes several before a seed finds a way into her womb.”

Oh, Olivia truly hoped they were correct.

“If he does not carry French letters, I will obtain them for you,” Corliss offered.

“No,” Olivia blurted out. “I am not admitting that anything occurred between myself and Dr. Sinclair. But, had it, it will never happen again.”

She couldn’t risk a pregnancy. She was a respectable spinster—who had given up her virginity to passion last night.

It was going to be difficult enough facing him each day after what they’d done. She’d been in love with him before they were intimate, now it would be worse.

Further, he could never know because he certainly did not return her feelings, or he would have made mention of it. Especially last night.

But no matter how marvelous, and how much she cared for him, it would not happen again. Though she now understood how so many women ended up in an interesting condition.

“I certainly hope you are wrong,” Fern said.

“It is not proper that I engage in such activities with Dr. Sinclair.”

“It is not proper at all,” Corliss laughed. “But there is nothing wrong with having a bit of fun, if you are careful, and we will never breathe a word of it.”

All Olivia could do was gape at them.

“Men go about bedding women all the time and nobody thinks worse of them for it. It’s unfair and if you enjoyed yourself, and since you and Dr. Sinclair are of a certain age, he is certainly not taking advantage of you, then you should enjoy the intimacies while you can.”

Olivia shook her head then picked up the tea that Fern set before her.

“You are mad.” She glanced about the kitchen and the other women were nodding their heads. “You are all mad. Not that I admit to improper behavior.”

“Then why were your shift and stockings underneath the settee?” Mrs. Shaw asked as she came into the kitchen. “I am only curious as to who removed them. You or Dr. Sinclair.”

Her face was going to go up in flames. The women who had been with her these past years were laughing, but not in a mean-spirited way. Still she was mortified.

Olivia rose and grabbed her belongings from Mrs. Shaw. “What may or may not have happened in the parlor is a private matter. Further, I beg of you not to mention it to Dr. Sinclair or my sister.”

“It may be too late for your sister,” Mrs. Shaw said. “She saw me carrying your things from the parlor when she arrived.”

Olivia groaned. Victoria would have questions, and may do a bit of scolding, but at least she knew her sister would never breathe a word of what happened. But, just in case, Olivia was going to do her best to avoid her sister today.

“Well, I have to check on the children and prepare myself for the day. Goodbye.”

She nearly ran for the stairs only to get away from their laughter as quickly as possible.

Goodness! What had she done?

Xavier couldn’t believe that he hadn’t bothered to completely remove his trousers before taking Olivia last night. He had not paused to be rid of them because he’d been too eager to be in her once he’d been freed.

She was perfection, from her response to his lovemaking and then her participation. It was no wonder that he had been unable to hold off before he could bring her to release a second time. He had to fight not to spill his seed the moment he entered her, but that control did not last long.

He also hoped that she’d not been disappointed.

Except, she had been thoroughly pleasured before he sought to take his, though bringing her to the heights of passion and release with his mouth had been pleasurable to him as well.

She’d given up control to him last night, and it may be the first time that she’d ever done so.

Unfortunately, they did not get a chance to speak this morning because Fern interrupted them. The woman also knew exactly what had happened and he dearly hoped that nothing was said to Olivia, or anyone else for that matter.

A respectable spinster does not make love on the floor of a parlor, especially the first time.

What the blazes had he been thinking? Olivia should have been in a comfortable bed, but she was the one who had locked the door.

The least he could have done was taken her to the settee so that the hard floor did not press into her back, but he wasn’t thinking of comfort while they were together. All he could think about was her cries of pleasure and being with her.

Next time, he would proceed slower, and in a far more comfortable setting. Though, he had no idea where that could be.

She did have a chamber at Westbrook House, but it didn’t seem right to join her there when so many others lived in the house.

He could bring her back to his home, but if anyone saw her enter, she’d be quite ruined. However, there was nothing to keep him from calling on her. She did share a home with her twin sister, therefore a chaperone was available. So long as he left at a reasonable hour so as not to invite gossip, all should be well.

It didn’t take him long to wash and change his clothing before he once again returned to Westbrook House. When he arrived, Olivia was in the entry and she motioned him into her office.

Xavier entered, closed the door, then crossed to her immediately and took her in his arms.

Olivia pushed him away.

“What is wrong?”

“Nothing! Everything. What happened last night can never happen again.”

This was not at all what he had been expecting to hear. “May I ask why?” He was certain Olivia had enjoyed their evening as much as him.

“Two reasons. Pregnancy and the pox.”

He stared at her for a moment as her words registered in his brain.

“I am not certain if I should be offended that you fear I carry the pox.”

“It is not an unheard-of disease,” she insisted.

“Now I am insulted.” Though he truly was not. She was wise to have considered the potential ramifications of their being intimate. “However, I can promise you that I in no way carry any horrible disease. Therefore, none was passed to you.”

She blew out a sigh and he wondered if she had truly been worried, or panic had struck at what they’d done.

“As for pregnancy, well, I could have attempted to prevent the possibility, but I was not thinking very clearly if you must know.”

“French letter?” she asked.

He was thinking of how a man withdraws before release, not a French letter and was shocked to hear her even mention it. “What do you know of those?”

“The women have mentioned the use of such.”

Yes, well, they would be far more worldly about such things than Olivia. Despite the fact that she surrounded herself with children and women from the rookeries or worse, she still retained much of her innocence, or at least experience until last night.

“If it would make you feel better, I am happy to invest in French letters, but they are for the protection of disease.”

“The women in the kitchen believe they can be used for both.” Then she went on to explain their reasoning.

Why hadn’t he considered the same as it made perfect sense. Though, in truth, he was not fond of using them, he would if Olivia insisted.

“No.” she argued. “We should not do what we did ever again.”

“What if I know a way that we can that will also take away your concern?”

Olivia narrowed her eyes on him. “There is nothing that will ease my fear, no matter how careful we may be.”

“Certainly, there is. Marriage.”

She gaped at him, and Xavier was just as surprised that he’d uttered the words as well. He had not intended to propose to Olivia today, though the possibility of marrying her had occurred to him before they had been intimate. However, he had ruined her, so it was the correct thing to do.

“No.”

Her answer was so quick and sharp that he felt a moment of pain and rejection.

“We shall not wed because of what we have done,” she said. “I am not some young miss you lured into the gardens and had your way with. I am the one who made the decision last night so there is no need for you to sacrifice your bachelor state out of a misguided notion of honor because you now see me ruined.”

“What if I want to marry you,” he argued. In fact, he truly wished to do just that. Her days would be spent at Westbrook House, and he would treat patients. In the evening, they would retire to their home and after they supped, go to their marital chamber where he would divest her of her clothing, and they’d spend the night entwined in each other’s limbs.

He wanted Olivia because she was the perfect woman for him, and he’d not worry that she would need to rely on him for guidance. If anything, she’d try to direct him and no doubt they would often have a battle of wills, which Xavier happily anticipated.

“You do not want to marry me,” she insisted. “You are simply suffering under the misguided notion of obligation because you are a gentleman.”

“I wanted it as much as you, Olivia.”

“And it was incredibly marvelous, but it shan’t happen again.” She walked away from him and settled behind her desk.

Why wouldn’t she marry him?

Was he good enough to bed but not marry?

The pain was no less than a knife to his heart. He’d never suffered such before.

Had she really only wanted him to feed a need and to satisfy her curiosity about intimacy?

Now that she had, Olivia no longer had a need for him.

“Very well,” Xavier finally managed to mutter before he turned and left her office.

Was this how misses felt after they’d given up their innocence and were then rejected by the rogue?