Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Four

Rainier failed for the next week and the week after that. Surprisingly, Felix didn’t seem angry. Rainier thought he would, but he couldn’t bring himself to eat exactly half of the big meals. With snacks, he was sure he could feel fat forming on his body after every bite.

He almost cried one evening while he studied himself in the looking glass. He shouldn’t care, but he was also failing Mum’s expectations because he had gained. Even if he didn’t eat normally, he was still consuming more than before. He was failing Felix because he hadn’t been able to finish half of each meal. The physician seemed disappointed when he came to check and said Rainier just needed to eat because it wasn’t that hard, and he was being silly at this point.

Felix had told him to get out after that comment and called him an idiot.

Rainier was also failing because he had no energy to do the office work, and Felix had been trying to keep things together somehow. He didn’t have experience at such things, and it wasn’t fair for him to have it all piled on him.

Sometimes, when Rainier woke up in the morning, he felt relief. Mum wouldn’t yell at him that day. She wouldn’t give him that look that made him feel as big as a house, or a lecture on self-control. Guilt would follow for being relieved that she was gone. What kind of son did that? It had only worsened earlier when he’d read a letter from Betty.

His Aunt and cousin were surprised by the events, but they weren’t angry at him for taking over. Betty said it would have been utterly ridiculous to take Rainier off the throne and put Natalie in his place. She didn’t want it anyway.

Mum was staying with them and acting like Rainier was dead to her. Natalie had written and seemed to think all of his actions were just. Betty said he should let his Mum come back.

You only get one Mother.

She won’t say it, but I’m sure she’s devastated.

You’re her only child now.

He wouldn’t be surprised if Betty came banging on the front door tomorrow. He was surprised they hadn’t rushed up here to visit already, but maybe Natalie was keeping her at bay. He couldn’t deal with family right now.

The letter still made him feel like more of a failure. He’d kicked his own Mum out, and while he tried to remind himself that everything they’d done that day had been required and partly for Felix’s safety, it made the weight in his chest heavier.

He sat on a stool in front of the long looking glass. Some of the edges had softened a little after trying to eat his meals and the snacks. Felix hadn’t let up on the almond milk and toasted bread.

All of that self-control he had was slipping away. Maybe he’d touch Felix one day and see nothing but disgust on his face.

Felix came in with his sleep clothes on. “What are you doing?”

Rainier’s throat tightened. “Did you find me disgusting when we met?”

“No! I think it’s clear we like the same thing. If I thought you were some gross pervert, I wouldn’t have come with you.”

“Not a pervert. I mean how I looked. I weighed more.”

“I thought you were someone who couldn’t gain weight, but not disgusting.” Felix crouched by him. “There’s not deathly thin and fat with nothing between.”

“I can’t even do the office work. I’m failing everyone.”

“You’ve managed to eat a little more lately, so you’re not failing me. As long as you sit and try to eat…” Felix tilted his head. “Besides, who’s everyone? Fuck everyone.”

“You saw the letter Betty wrote.”

“She wants peace in the family, and she’s probably bothered by what you did because she couldn’t imagine doing that to Natalie or anyone. You need to do what’s best for you even if someone else doesn’t understand it. You’re living your life.”

Felix scooted to get in front of him, and he snatched the drying sheet to wrap around Rainier’s shoulders. “You’ve got goosebumps, and staring at yourself isn’t helping.”

“I look fatter. I can see it, and it’s only going to get worse. I don’t know how to do what you want and not feel like a disgusting pig.”

Felix cupped his face. “I know you’re not going to suddenly forget everything Mum said to you, but it will get better. Also, I think we should get rid of the looking glasses. Judging yourself by your looks isn’t helping, and it’s distorted. What are you going to do when you look like before? When we met, I mean?”

“Feel like a sow.”

“That’s why I think we should get rid of them for a bit.”

“All right.”

If it made Felix happy, why not? He could still see and feel his own body, so he wasn’t sure how that was supposed to help. He already felt like a sow.

“You haven’t even asked me for sex,” he said as Felix hugged him.

“Because you shouldn’t be wasting your energy. It has nothing to do with how you look, and I’m not with you just for sex. Of course, when you do have more energy and seem to be doing better overall in the future, I’d like for you to pound me into the bed so I can’t walk straight afterward.”

Rainier snorted. He wasn’t sure if he could manage sex now anyway.

“I’ll always be your Kitten,” Felix whispered to him.

***

Felix had all of the looking glasses stored away somewhere.

Rainier forced himself to go outside one morning when Felix was in the office. Books weren’t interesting at the moment, and he’d rather sit in the sun. Maybe a break from the same walls would be good for him.

He hadn’t gone to the swing in ages, and the ropes holding it up looked dry. When he sat on the weathered, wooden seat, it creaked. His first thought was that he weighed too much for it, and mookies shouldn’t be plopping their fat behinds on a swing.

He remembered Felix saying his appearance was distorted to him. Perhaps everything was. He held onto the ropes and gave himself a nudge with his feet to get it going a little. The swing was just old and not about to fall down because he was fat. In fact, he probably weighed less than the last time he’d been on it.

It seemed so empty since two people could sit on it, but his sister wasn’t around to share it anymore. Hopefully, it didn’t break because he didn’t need to bust his arse and have a new problem.

He ran through his failures from last night and almost wanted to go back in so he could crawl into bed and try to hide from them. He could almost imagine Mum telling him to get his fat ass off the swing and to also grow up because he was too old for a child’s plaything.

What would Addy say? He never thought about that before. For a moment, he pictured her telling him to throw up his food. But if he did that, Felix would see evidence as he thinned again.

Honestly, if she could come back, she’d probably know better now, right? That meant she’d tell him to eat. She’d gotten so trapped in her own problems and hadn’t been able to see the truth at the time. He couldn’t see it now when it came to himself. She’d never been fat, but she hadn’t believed him and couldn’t see it. Just like he couldn’t see anymore when Felix said he wasn’t.

She’d likely tell him it wasn’t his fault that she’d died because he’d been too young and afraid. Just because she couldn’t live any more didn’t mean he shouldn’t. She’d been completely consumed by things until that morning. Rainier hadn’t hit the end, but even though he was alive now, it was like being in limbo with him fighting himself at every meal. His own way of shrinking himself had completely consumed him.

That wasn’t living, and if he wanted to have a life with Felix, and not reach the end soon, he’d have to do more than gain weight. He’d have to start making a real effort to change certain behaviors or give them up entirely.

***

He brought his plate into the sitting room and sat on the floor by the couch so he could use the small table in front of it.

“What are you doing?” asked Felix.

“I want to try to eat with you again.” Rainier patted the floor next to him.

“But why?” Felix settled on the floor. “I thought you wanted to eat alone.”

“I shouldn’t do that forever, right?”

“No.”

“If I feel one way about something, perhaps it’s not true, and I should try to stop. I hate eating in front of others because I’m thinking that they view me as fat. If I see myself in a distorted way, then my view of how I think others view me could be messed up too, and I should try to let that go. Erm, maybe that doesn’t make sense…”

“No. I see what you’re saying.”

“I shouldn’t eat alone my whole life either. Also, it’s not fair for you to get my cold leftovers because I spend forever trying to get each bite down.”

“I don’t mind that. I’m just trying not to waste food, and I want you to be comfortable.”

Rainier poked a piece of potato. “Maybe I need to get out of my comfort zone.”

He took the bite and passed the fork to Felix. Another thing he needed to change was chewing everything for so long. He’d gotten used to it so that he was doing something and making it seem like he was eating at the same pace as others.

After so long, it felt unnatural to not keep chewing once the bite was paste. If he was going to keep pace with Felix and not drag this out, he had to go only until it was appropriate to swallow.

He and Felix took turns with the fork, and he realized they’d probably look ridiculous to anyone else.

Felix said the servants asked after him, and that showed they cared to some extent. They’d also supported him when he took over which meant a lot. Still, he couldn’t imagine anyone but his Kitten sitting on the floor with him and sharing one plate and a fork.

***

It took weeks, but the edges softened a little. He could feel them and see himself. His brain screamed to snatch back the self-control because he was definitely getting fat. Felix eating with him at meals helped to shut it up only a little.

Even when he was eating from a separate plate, he still couldn’t face a family meal. Natalie wanted to see him, and Betty asked to come by too, but he didn’t feel ready yet. Felix said if he wasn’t, simply tell them no. He didn’t have to bend over backward to please anyone. If he felt better without them around, that was fine, and he could take whatever time he needed.

Mum didn’t write. Betty stopped trying to convince him to allow Eliza back, and she tactfully made little mention of her beyond the bare basics of saying she was fine. Maybe he was dead to Mum since he wouldn’t allow her to twist and force into some impossible vision that she wanted.

Maybe a lot of people had trouble seeing what was real including her.

The Winter Solstice, which was in name only since it never grew cold in Glasswood, passed, and the New Year went by too. Rainier had started helping in the office bit by bit since things had piled up too much, and they hired a Master Steward to help.

Nearly a couple of months after the New Year, he decided to do something that should have been done a long time ago. The urge to do something productive had come on rather suddenly one morning. Felix said maybe it was because he finally had a little more energy, but he probably shouldn’t spend it all since he didn’t think heavy physical pursuits were a good idea.

Rainier said he wanted it done and over with. Addy would likely also say it was time, and he didn’t feel it was too strenuous.

“Why did she leave it like this?” Felix looked around Addy’s sitting room.

Rainier shrugged. Felix had been coaxing him into slowly increasing what he ate, but the bacon had been rather greasy that morning, and it was a bit heavy in his stomach. Heavy like the rest of him.

“She put Father’s things up shortly after he died, but maybe she felt regret for Addy that she won’t admit. We all know death is final, but I think putting away her daughter’s things made that finality worse in this case. Even though she pressured us, and her expectations are unrealistic, she didn’t want us to die either. I think it’s time to clean out these rooms. I think Addy would want us to move on, and she’d know it doesn’t mean we’re forgetting her.”

It would help him to forgive himself too.

Felix hugged him. “Do you want help?”

Rainier rubbed his back. “No, Kitten. This is something I want to do myself.”

The servants brought trunks, and once he was alone, he went into Addy’s bedroom. He could start with her clothes. He turned and realized her looking glass was by the privy door.

He hadn’t seen his body in one for what felt like forever since Felix had all of the others stored away. Rainier had definitely put on weight. In fact, he might have been the same as when Felix met him. Or pretty close. He thought about the bacon and the almond milk making him grow huge and round like the sketch of a puff fish he’d once seen.

It was tempting to take off his clothes. He could check his ribs and shoulder blades before looking at each spot where the fat had grown. Think about how Mum would disapprove. Point out each imperfection. Hate himself.

He turned away. Or he could not do that because lunch would be hard, and while he’d been eating most of the meals lately, he still sometimes left a few bites. Felix wouldn’t want him in here alone and agonizing over all of the bad stuff.

He met his gaze in the looking glass. Felix hadn’t seemed disgusted by his body last night when they’d sucked each other off. In fact, he’d had the same expression he’d worn months and months ago while tonguing each piercing and taking the length in his throat: like pleasing Rainier was his biggest joy in life.

They hadn’t done petplay lately, but the eagerness to touch and be touched was still there since Rainier had started getting back some of his libido. Felix hadn’t said so, but it was probably because he’d gained weight.

Addy wouldn’t want him picking at all of his bodily faults either. Maybe it was better that Felix had taken away the other looking glasses. Rainier needed to focus more on his health and how he felt physically, not give himself the critical eye every day.

He set to packing the trunks and making a pile of things that could be taken by the servants or tossed. Some of the things he’d hadn’t seen in years, and when he found her old dolly in a drawer, he decided that could go on the mantelpiece in their room.

Everything else would go away. Once the rooms were stripped, he sat on a trunk in the sitting room with the dolly next to him. Oddly, he felt lighter now, like he’d stripped off something that had been weighing him down, and he hadn’t fully noticed it before.

Never again would he come in here and sit on the bed while guilt ate him from the inside out.

Felix peeked in. “It’s nearly noon.”

“I figured. We need to eat lunch soon. How big do I look to you?”

Felix frowned. “Why?”

“Just be honest with me. Am I the same as when we met?”

Felix squinted at him. “Not quite. Soon, you will.”

Rainier took a deep breath. “After lunch, do you want to take a ride with me?”

“Erm, I don’t think you need that kind of exercise. I don’t want you to start losing weight. Why do you think I said it’s not a good idea if we actually fuck? A walk in the garden is one thing because some fresh air and some movement is good. When I suck your cock, you can lay there and enjoy it, but I don’t want you doing anything too vigorous and trying to lose weight in a new way.”

Addy had tried by running, so he could see where Felix was coming from. “I don’t get dizzy so easily, and the horse will be doing the main vigorous work. I’d like it if we could go to the sweet shop, and we’ll come right back. I want a honey swirl, and you can have whatever you like too.”

Felix stared at him for a second. “Really? You want a sweet?”

“Yeah. I haven’t had one in years.”

“All right. Er, a messenger brought a letter. It doesn’t look like Betty or Natalie’s handwriting.”

“I’ll go look at it, and we’ll eat after, okay?”

“Do you want to wait?”

If it was bad, it might cause some of his feelings to flare up. They weren’t gone, and he wasn’t entirely better yet. But the future might bring other bad letters or days, and he couldn’t always put stuff off.

“I’ll read it before we eat.”

Inky purred and rubbed against Rainier’s legs while he stood by the little side table in their sitting room and opened the packet. It was from Mum, and it wasn’t to apologize.

She said she wanted to come back. If he’d had enough time playing King with his dirty toy, they could forget about the treason, and he could hand back the crown. Technically, that could be done, but it was usually only in cases if the heir became bedridden or had some issue that made them completely incapable and no end was in sight.

Felix would have to go, and since they hadn’t married yet, that would be simple. Rainier scowled at those words. Like he could forget the man who’d stuck by his side even at his worst.

According to Mum, he also needed to grow up and learn some self-control. That nice little insult was coupled with how she did love him, but he’d brought these difficulties down on himself. If he’d learned restraint years ago, it wouldn’t be an issue now, and he wouldn’t have done something as ridiculous as cutting off his own Mother.

If he had trouble keeping off the weight without eating too little, there were herbs and things he could use that would help with regular usage. She’d done her best to raise him and shape him into an acceptable man, but he kept making the wrong choices.

He threw down the letter at that point.

Was that what she did? Take herbs? Nobody had ever said anything, but perhaps she’d had some secret things she consumed to help her stay skinny. He didn’t know of anything like that, and maybe she only thought they worked. After all, she’d come into the pantry that one night, so she must have occasionally snuck a snack now and then.

Dear Elira. If he allowed her back, it’d be the same shit all over again. There was no apology for driving him into this over the years. She hadn’t even said sorry for planning to put Natalie in his place. It was all her, her, her, and if she came back, the prior years would start again. If he dug his heels in on anything, she’d threaten to take away his title and position. Any new weapon she could come up with, she’d use.

Even though he still wasn’t comfortable with his body, he knew he’d made progress. His view was warped, but Felix’s wasn’t, and it was with his help he’d kept drinking the tea for stress and increased what he ate over the months. He was in a different place now because he wouldn’t have dreamed of eating a honey sweet last year. She’d ruin all of that, and how could he trust her around Felix? His future husband didn’t need the stress of her either. This was his home now, and Rainier couldn’t imagine waking up anymore without his Kitten beside him.

He’d never have true self-control which included not hurting himself with Mum controlling him.

Rainier was about to tear the letter in half when Felix came from the bedroom with the mouse on a string. Inky darted over to swat at it.

“I’m guessing it’s not good?”

“No. You can read it.”

Felix tossed the toy for Inky to attack before he took the letter. Rainier went to the writing desk in the corner of their bedroom. If Mum thought she was going to return and take over again, she had another thing coming.

His letter was brief and to the point while he put his foot down with words.

She was to never write to him and discuss anything about his weight. He didn’t want to hear it, and he didn’t need someone’s warped view when he was trying to get better.

Felix wasn’t dirty, and he wasn’t going anywhere either. He’d done nothing but help, and if it wasn’t for him, Rainier wasn’t sure if he would be alive now. Felix was the King too, they were getting married, and there was nothing she could do about it. Rainier wasn’t giving up his crown.

If she ever wanted to come back to visit and have him in her life to any extent, she’d have to make some serious changes in how she interacted with him. He needed to put himself and Felix first, and if she couldn’t understand some basic boundaries and not cross them, they would remain without contact.

He would live life on his terms. Not hers.

He signed it as Felix came in. “Are you all right?”

Rainier set the never-fill quill in its holder. “It hurts, but I will be. Here.”

Felix read the parchment and nodded. “Good. I’m sorry you have to do this.”

“It’s better for both of us in the long run. If she can’t follow my rules, I won’t try to keep contact with her, and she won’t be permitted to visit. After I send this off, we’ll go eat.”

Months ago, the nasty words from Mum probably would have made him want to skip his next meal or barely eat. Now, they made him want to remain out from under her thumb, and to do that, he could have lunch with his future husband.