CHAPTER 20

“I understand,” Kenna told her. “Your mom’s health comes first.” She looked off then as if she were thinking of something. “Hey, next time you see Rip, will you tell her that I put your mom ahead of the story? I think it shows good growth on my part.”

“And what, you’d like a reward?” Hollis teased as they walked down the hall with posters of Kenna and guest commentators and hosts they’ve had on the show over the years lining the walls.

“Yes, I would. Ripley gives the best rewards,” Kenna replied.

“I miss rewards,” Hollis stated without thinking.

“Oh, yeah?” Kenna laughed. “When was the last time you were rewarded ?”

“It’s been a while,” she replied.

Then, Hollis smiled as they made it to the cube farm, which was what they called the large group of cubicles on the floor. They were talking about sex, and she didn’t feel awkward. She’d never really had a conversation about sex with a friend before. Yes, technically, Kenna was also her boss, but the woman never made it feel like that to her. Still, Hollis couldn’t help but wonder if they’d continue being friendly like this after she stopped working for Kenna, which could be any day. This wasn’t Hollis’s dream job; she wanted to work at a library again. And now that she didn’t have a job in Vancouver to go back to, she’d need to find something permanent either here or there, which meant she’d have to make decisions she’d been putting off sooner rather than later.

“So, no Raleigh, I take it?” Kenna asked. “Or have you not gotten there yet? Taking things slow?”

“Oh, no.” Hollis laughed dryly. “Not getting there ever is more like it.”

They arrived at her desk, so Hollis stopped.

“Want to keep talking in my office?” Kenna offered.

Hollis just nodded, followed Kenna into her nice, large office, and sat on the sofa without being asked while Kenna closed the door.

“Tell me what happened,” Kenna said as she sat down next to her.

“My timing was awful,” Hollis began. “I’d been talking to my mom about the case, her desire not to go through any more treatment, my thoughts about her doing this show when she’s getting worse, and my feelings for Raleigh. I managed to convince her to not do the show. Sorry about that, by the way.”

“It’s fine,” Kenna replied, shrugging her off.

“But she’s not getting treatment and won’t see Ada’s brother.”

“Oliver?”

“Yeah. Ada told Raleigh that he might see her if she wanted a second opinion. My mom doesn’t want any more opinions. She said she was ready to be done with treatment of any kind. Then, somehow, that segued into her telling me that I should talk to Raleigh about how I feel, or, at least, ask her out. I tried to call her to do it, but I ended up texting her for drinks because I’m a coward.”

“Okay. Well, drinks is a step in the right direction,” Kenna offered.

“Except, I just unloaded on her at a bar. She noticed I was off, which was mainly my nerves, but I ended up telling her everything that was on my mind, and none of it was good, Kenna. It was like I word-vomited thirty-five years of baggage onto her.”

“What did she say?”

“She passed me a beer and suggested I go to therapy.”

“What?” Kenna laughed and then covered her mouth quickly. “Sorry.”

“No, that’s about right,” Hollis replied.

“She told you to go to therapy?”

“Not exactly. She mentioned she knows a doctor who specializes in our situation. She hadn’t gone yet herself, for whatever reason, but she seemed to think that it might be a good idea for me to go see him.”

“I’m not trying to tell you that you need therapy, but Raleigh’s your friend, and, at least in some way, she knows what you’re going through.”

“It wasn’t the therapy thing that got me. I mean, I can go talk to someone. I’m just not there yet.”

“Okay. What was it?” Kenna asked.

“I just couldn’t stop myself,” Hollis shared. “She knew something was off, and I wasn’t telling her what it was, but now we’re talking about therapy, and I decide that that’s the best time ever to tell her the real reason I’m acting weird, so I tell her that I wanted to ask her out.”

“Oh.”

“Right, oh ,” Hollis replied with a nod. “I should’ve just had a beer, enjoyed the nachos, and called it a night, but I had to make things awkward by telling her that I’m into her.”

“Well, the timing wasn’t the best, yeah, but at least it’s out there now. What did she say?”

“No. She said no.”

Kenna nodded sorrowfully and asked, “Did she give you a reason?”

“No, because I was too embarrassed to listen. So, then, I was a jerk, cut her off a bunch, and left her there at the bar. I paid for the drinks and food, at least, but that’s it.”

“And you haven’t talked to her since?”

“Nope,” Hollis replied. “She just texted me when she got home. I’d been worried she’d drink both beers and then drive, which was dumb because she’s Raleigh; she’d never do that. Anyway, she texted that she’d gotten home safely and asked me to let her know that I was okay. I messaged her back that I was home, too, and going to bed. That was it.”

“What are you going to do?” Kenna asked her.

“Nothing.” Hollis shrugged a shoulder.

“Hollis, you can’t just do nothing. She’s your friend.”

“I know. But I’ve never been in this situation before. I’ve never really had friends as an adult. And when I dated, they were people I was with, not exactly friends first, so I don’t know how to deal with liking a friend and not being able to be with them.”

“I think it starts with talking to her,” Kenna reasoned. “You might not get the outcome you want, but you should at least address the elephant in the relationship now.”

“What do I even say? She snuck up on me. One day, I’m sitting in a support group meeting just for something to do and maybe something to help, and there’s this beautiful woman sitting across from me. Next, we’re going to coffee, and she’s asking me to go with her to meet Dylan and watch the show. I stay at her place, and she’s stayed over at mine as well, and there are these feelings now. I just want to hold her all the time.”

“That’s all you want? What about those rewards ?” Kenna teased.

“I’d like those, too,” Hollis replied. “I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this way before.”

“Talk to her, Hollis.”

“That’s what got me into this mess to begin with.”

“And you can’t help whom you have feelings for. Your heart got you into this mess.” Kenna laughed a little. “You can’t do anything about that. Maybe just give her a chance to explain why she said no. You didn’t do that the first time. She may feel the same way and is just not ready. Maybe she doesn’t. Either way, just give her a chance to explain. Then, figure out how to proceed from there.”

“I guess.”

“Hey, why don’t we go for drinks after work? Aaliyah is hanging out with her cousins at my sister’s place tonight. Ripley and I were going to go out. Why don’t we grab a few people from here and go out? I’ll buy the first round.”

Hollis sighed and said, “Thanks, but no thanks. I think I’d rather be alone. Well, with my mom, technically.”

“Are you sure?” Kenna checked.

“I’m sure. But thank you for the offer,” Hollis said, standing up. “And if you don’t have Aaliyah tonight, you could always ask for your reward from your wife. ”

Kenna laughed and replied, “I guess I could. Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I just have to get past it, like everything else,” Hollis told her.

◆◆◆

“What do you want for dinner tonight? I haven’t gone shopping yet, so we don’t have much, but I can go pick something up, if you want. Looks like we’ve got a couple chicken breasts. Is there a recipe you–” Hollis stopped when she heard the doorbell. “Are you expecting someone?” she asked her mother, who was lying on the sofa.

When she didn’t hear a response, Hollis closed the refrigerator and walked into the living room to find the woman asleep. Hollis tossed a small smile in her mother’s direction but was secretly worried because Olivia had been sleeping a lot more lately. She’d also been spending more and more time in bed and had a harder time moving around without Hollis’s help. The second ring of the bell brought Hollis from her worried thoughts back to the present and made her focus straight on the person who could wake up her mother if Hollis didn’t get to the door before the third time they rang the bell. She pulled open the door and saw Raleigh standing there with two brown paper bags in her arms.

“Raleigh?”

“I know I just showed up, but I also tried texting you earlier, and you haven’t responded, so… I took a chance.”

“I meant to. I just–”

“It’s okay. Can I come in?”

“Depends. What are you bringing with you?” Hollis asked.

“Dinner,” Raleigh replied, walking inside. When Hollis took one of the bags from her, Raleigh looked over at the sofa and whispered, “She’s asleep?”

“A lot these days, yeah.”

“Will cooking wake her up?” Raleigh asked.

“Not likely.”

“Have you already made dinner? ”

“I was just about to start,” Hollis replied.

“Good. Want to help me with this?” Raleigh told her more than asked before she just walked through the living room and into the kitchen like she owned the place.

Hollis was left standing at the door, wondering what was happening. Then, having let out a big sigh, she closed and locked the front door and followed Raleigh into the kitchen, where her unexpected guest was already unloading the groceries she’d brought over onto the counter.

“Raleigh, what–”

“Hollis, you didn’t let me explain the other night. You just left.”

“Can we maybe not talk about this now? My mom–”

“If cooking won’t wake her up, you and I talking about this won’t, either,” Raleigh interjected.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to explain.”

“Hollis, you are the first friend I’ve made since I lost Eden. I have other friends, but I don’t see them anymore. I’ve tried. We had a dinner party or a night out for drinks. They all just tiptoe around me because they no longer know how to talk to me. It used to be about work, Eden, and my relationship with Millie – either how it was going or talking about how it had ended – but then it just turned awkward, so I stopped going. I stopped making an effort. Then, you show up, and you just get it.” Raleigh finished unloading one bag and took the other one from Hollis. “You don’t tiptoe. You don’t get impatient when I cry for the thousandth time in a day. You let me talk about her, but you don’t force me to, either. And we can talk about what we’ve both gone through, but we can also talk about everything else. I haven’t had that.”

“So, you want to just be friends,” Hollis concluded. “I get it.”

Raleigh stopped unpacking and turned to her.

“Hollis, it’s not that I don’t feel it.”

“You don’t have to say–”

“Oh, my God. Shut up.” Raleigh laughed and rolled her eyes. “Let me finish a damn sentence.”

“Sorry,” Hollis said, smiling and shaking her head at herself.

“I do feel it. There’s a pull.”

Hollis nodded once.

“It’s been there since the beginning,” Raleigh shared.

“Yeah,” Hollis agreed.

“But I can’t.”

“Okay.”

“I just don’t think I can be with anyone. I don’t know what’s going to happen if we never find her. Maybe I’ll end up like your mom. She never remarried. From what you’ve told me, she rarely dated in thirty years. Maybe that’s what’s in store for me.”

“God, I hope not,” she replied. “Raleigh, the situation is different. My mom married the man who kidnapped me. The man she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with changed, and when they divorced, he took me from her. I don’t blame her for not trusting anyone else like that again.” Hollis paused and tucked her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. “I don’t want that for you. Even if it’s not me, even if it’s not now, Eden wasn’t taken by your ex-husband or anyone you loved like that.”

“But she was still taken, and I can hardly focus on anything other than that right now. My work is suffering. I lost a good client the other day. I just don’t think I have the strength to start a relationship with anyone, least of all you, because you…” Raleigh took a deep breath. “Hollis, you’re too important to me. I can’t lose you as a friend. I know that’s selfish, but it’s the truth.”

“Okay. Then, you won’t,” Hollis stated. “I’ll be your friend.”

“I wish it–”

“No, don’t do that,” Hollis interrupted her this time. “Let’s just cook dinner or something, okay?”

Raleigh nodded and said, “Okay.”