26. One Step Closer Jax

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O ur relationship shifted , for better or worse. I slowly accepted that Tabby and I couldn’t ever be more than the friends that we were. Instead of waiting for Rob to contact me, I reached out and offered up new things to try.

With his wardrobe change, Tabby started to wear tacky and fun ties like his casual shirts. It was easy to help him keep a signature style while still being work appropriate, especially when I sent links to Rob instead of buying them myself. That way, they were loving gifts from his boyfriend, and he showed them off with a beaming smile.

Look at this great one!

Tabby texted, with a picture of himself in a black button-down and a tie emblazoned with various insects.

You can be jealous if you want.

Oh, man. That’s awesome.

Just needs more moths.

Or a rhinoceros beetle.

Nice knot, btw.

I was so glad he liked them. It warmed my heart to see him so confident. His dull scrubs were no comparison; the bugs were a winner.

I upped the ante and sent Rob even more ideas, one at least every other day. Tickets to the museum for the weekend. A drive up the coast to the beach at Bodega, where Tabby could talk about Hitchcock and his love for paranormal movies. I said, “Be sure to bundle up for the cold.” A scheduled massage. A personalized pocket watch. Preparing for the Christmas season, I sent Rob a link to beard ornaments that I thought would make Tabby laugh.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, as I walked to my car from the office after work, a cavalry horn went off in my pocket. Rob’s ringtone, which heralded saving the day.

“This is Jax.”

He barked, “Hey, knock it off with the texts, dude. You blow up my phone too much.”

My heart rushed like I got my hand slapped. “Oh. Sorry. Just thinking ahead, I guess.”

“I’ve got Christmas mostly covered, but this shit gets expensive, ya know?” Rob huffed with exasperation. “Wish you could give me some ideas that don’t cost me anything but my pride.”

It took every ounce of my self-control not to say, if you had any pride, you could do that yourself . “Not trying to make you go broke, Rob. It’s just how I show affection, and apparently it works for Tabby. Gifts and quality time.”

“Lucky for me, you have his same wavelength. I don’t understand most of this.”

“Then why are you doing it? Like, if you don’t get it, why go along with what I’ve said? Doesn’t he get suspicious that it doesn’t seem like you?”

“I have that covered. I tell him Annie gives me the ideas. So, thanks for not busting it. All this shit—I do it ‘cause he’s worth doing it for.”

Yeah. That’s for sure.

“But seriously.” Rob cleared his throat and softened his voice, as if someone else walked in the room. “If you have any ideas for me that I can do on my own without spending a dime? That’s the kind of shit I really need.”

I sat in my car and looked at my empty passenger seat, remembering how easy it was to talk to Tabby the first night we got to know each other. The same strange comfort I felt in his office whispered at the back of my mind.

Okay, Jamie. It’s time to let go.

“I’ve got just the thing,” I said, and gave Rob the greatest gift I could give Tabby: the gift of a new way to say I love you .

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“T ell me you brought something other than peanut butter,” Tabby said, settling into his office chair for our bi-weekly lunch meetup that Thursday. “I know you’re picky, but you can’t be that predictable.”

“Predictable never hurt anyone.” I sat with my paper bag opposite him, as usual. “You’re right, though. I tried to be a little adventurous today. Check it out.” Handing him one of the two creations, I bounced my brows while he opened it.

After eyeing me somewhat suspiciously and putting his pre-packed salad to the side again, he lifted the bread to look at the contents. “Jaxson Grady. Is this avocado?”

“The very same. Homemade version of your favorite sandwich. Avocado, turkey, havarti, lettuce and extra mayo. Ta-da.” I gave him an exaggerated bow in my chair and opened mine. “Personally, I think the usual place could use a titch more salt, so I have a couple packets if you agree.”

He took a bite and swept his hair back while leaning in the comfortable chair. “Heaven. It needs nothing.”

“Jax for the win,” I said, relaxing and pulling out my phone to pick something stupid for us to watch in the meantime. Our growing routine was more than comfortable, now. It was easy, and like he said, predictable.

“You going over to Cordelia’s for Thanksgiving? She makes so much food, it’s astonishing. I’m sad to miss it this year.” He barely gave himself room to chew before talking with his mouth half-full, which I didn’t mind. The spot of mayo on his mustache distracted me, and I didn’t point it out. It gave me an excuse to focus on his lips.

“I have nowhere else to be. My dad’s made the feast every year since I was a kid...it’s gonna be so weird not being at home for it. Do you have any special traditions this time of year?”

Tabby pouted for a minute as he thought. “Mm...not really. I’m going on vacation for two weeks on Saturday. Mom likes to see her sister in Chicago, and we do that every couple years. I wouldn’t exactly call it a tradition. Rob’s staying here. You?”

“As far as I’m concerned? All the family traditions are dead now that Mom’s with Brian. I’m thinking about starting some of my own traditions. Shit —that reminds me.” I navigated away from the comedy station to Google.

“What are you up to?” he asked, peering over the desk.

“It’s stupid. I’m looking up the San Francisco ballet. Do they do the Nutcracker here?”

Before he could answer, Tabby choked on something and coughed uncontrollably.

“Whoa, don’t die on me,” I said, holding my hands up and lurched toward him. “You okay?”

He nodded, still coughing and turning bright red while he held up one finger and gathered himself. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” he croaked.

“Good. My CPR’s rusty.”

Tabby tried to catch his breath, now teary from coughing so hard. “Sorry about that. Jeez.” He sniffed and took a few deep breaths. “So, Nutcracker, huh?”

I went back to my phone. “Yup. My family’s gone every year since I was five. I’ve never seen any show but Denver’s.”

“They do have one here. You’ve seriously gone all your life?”

“I know, it’s cheesy. Not exactly the most manly tradition, so I don’t talk about it with anybody. Even when I’ve gone with people outside of family, I pretend like I’ve never seen it.”

“I don’t think that’s cheesy at all. You underestimate how many people like doing that—myself included.”

I paused as a gentle smile crawled across my lips. “You do? You like the Nutcracker?”

He blinked a few times, showing off the long lashes I admired so much. “I love it.”

“Right on.”

As we stared at one another, the same sweet energy swelling between us that I’d felt so many times before, I considered asking him to join me. I couldn’t deny how much I liked having someone at my side, especially this time of year.

Tabby beat me to it, though. “Jax, will you go with me?”

No hesitation. “Sure. I mean...if Rob’s cool with it, anyway.”

Tabby blew a raspberry. “He doesn’t care. Not his thing whatsoever. He’d probably be relieved.”

“Alright. Then yes, of course. Do you wanna check out the dates with me?” I leaned across the desk and we both scrolled through the options together. He cross-referenced the calendar on his wall to make sure there weren’t other plans on his end.

“I can’t believe it’s already here,” he said. “Feels like I went last month or something.”

I laughed. “I can’t believe you can’t think of somebody to go with you. Gavin and what’s-his-name aren’t into it?”

“Not even a little. I think Gavin would rather die. Cordelia rolled her eyes once when I asked. Annie said it was too mushy for her.”

“What? Too mushy for Annie? I mean, I get she isn’t all that into lovey-dovey stuff, but the quintessential Christmas ballet is beautiful.”

“True, but you underestimate just how much Annie hates romance. Like, she hates it.” As Tabby said the words, he pulled back from my phone screen. His brows furrowed and eyes fell. “She...she hates romance completely.”

“What’s the matter?”

Invisible wheels spun in his mind. “My God.” Tabby’s gaze shot to me. “Annie would never advocate for something like that, would she?”

Huh? I felt hit by a train. “Advocate? For what? That’s a weird thing to say.”

He became progressively more flustered as the seconds passed. “Jax, I’ll need to look at tickets later. Maybe when I get back from Chicago. Right now I need to make a call.”

The lift I felt a few minutes before was gone, slamming me to the ground. “Um. Yeah. Okay. That’s fine.” Gathering my things, I tried not to fumble and drop stuff on the floor.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said, standing and trying to backtrack.

“It’s fine. I get it. You’re busy.” Patting myself down to make sure I didn’t forget anything, I opened his office and slipped halfway through. “I’ll hear from you soon though, right?”

Curtly, he said, “Yeah. Later.”

“Bye.” I closed his door behind me and left, barely shuffling out of his quiet office, unsure what just happened and dreading the answer.