25. Home Tabby

I lingered at work after Jax’s visit, well into darkness outside. When he spent time alone with me, it reignited the smoldering embers of our romance, making me question everything about how I lived my life. Somehow, I’d hoped talking about why Rob needed me would make me feel like my bond at home was stronger; instead, it shined a light on all our flaws.

I was quiet on the drive home, not practicing for an imminent argument like I used to; it would’ve ended with my telling Rob to leave. I didn’t want to plant that seed.

A sharp draft blew through our apartment when I walked in. I huffed and went to close the many open windows. I keep telling you not to do this. My irritation grew when I leaned over a table and knocked some of my knick-knacks on the floor by accident.

Rob came out from the bedroom to the sound of my grumbling. “Babe? You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m...ugh...” I bent to pick everything up and tried to stifle my temper by talking to myself. It’s fine. It’s just Rob. You love Rob. It’s fine.

His warm hand on my back made my stomach flip. “Can I help?”

“Well, you can stop leaving the windows open like I ask every damn day.” I stood and charged away from him, toward the window in the far corner. “It brings in too much humidity, gets really cold by three in the morning, and then I’m awake shutting windows because you won’t just put a damn fan by your side of the bed. I’m tired of paying for your hot flashes.”

Rob stood in silence without trying to argue with me. Our roles were flipped.

“I hate that I can’t eat what I want. I hate that we never go anywhere except Ethan’s shop. I hate that you gripe about my binders, and I hate that you don’t go with me to Mom’s. But I swear to fucking God, nothing infuriates me more than when you won’t close the damn windows.” With the final one slammed shut, I turned and folded my arms. Expecting a fight, I put up my internal armor. Here we go.

Rob continued to surprise me and lowered his face instead. “I’m sorry, babe. I really am. I’ll get some fans in here, if that’s okay.”

I squinted. Why aren’t you exploding at me?

He walked up and held his hands out for me, which I took because I had no reason not to. “Thanks for saying these things. I need to know. I need to know what you’re feeling and thinking if this is gonna work. And it can’t work if you don’t talk to me.”

Now my guilt, fear, and anxious heart thumped loudly in my ears and head. A wash of cold over my whole body nearly made me shiver. I was disappointed with the serenity between us. Fighting would’ve given me an excuse to unload all the shit I kept inside.

He squeezed my hands. “Can we start over, babe? Right now. Right here. Just us moving forward?”

How could I say no? What kind of selfish monster would I be if I didn’t stuff my insecurity in a box and lock it away? If he wanted a chance, I owed it to him. If he wanted the truth, I could give him that, too.

At least, most of it. “Yes. Let’s do that.”

He stepped a little closer and kissed me with the tenderness I imagined Jax would earlier.

I still love you, Rob. I swear I do.